Highway to Hell
by SmurfLuvsCookies
Summary: SEQUEL to Ghosts of the Past. The Akatsuki visit again, warning the girls that Konoha knows of their world. In order to protect the girls, the Akatsuki might have to venture into hell itself: high school. Crazier? Certainly. Deserves reviews? Hell yes. :D
1. WARNING!

**WARNING!**

**This is a SEQUEL to "Ghosts of the Past" which can be found on my profile. If you HAVEN'T read "Ghosts of the Past," then you should either read it before reading the rest of this or you shouldn't bother with this story at all. Though if you pick the second option, you'll be missing out on a lot of good fun. :) **

**If you HAVE read "Ghosts of the Past," then feel free to continue reading. **

**While we're here, I might as well post my disclaimer. **

**None of the Akatsuki belong to me. Though I desperately wish they did. **

**Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy my story.**


	2. School Bells and Guitar Hero

**I'M BAAACK!**

**Sorry for the wait. Like I said, I had to get my ideas restocked. But now that I have done just that, we can pick up where we left off. And if you ignored the previous warning AND the warning in the summary but, for some odd reason, you're reading this author's note instead, this story is a SEQUEL to another. If you haven't read the story "Ghosts of the Past" (which can be found on my profile) you shouldn't continue on because you won't have an inkling as to what is going on. Got it? Good. **

**Don't say I didn't warn you.**

**Also, this is slightly revised...just for grammar and stuff, nothing plot-altering.**

* * *

**Chapter One: School Bells and Guitar Hero**

* * *

The Akatsuki never ceased to amaze Jayden Itishi and Claribel Sazume. Since that summer several months ago, they'd kept in touch through the aid of a cell phone and even visited time to time, though normally in pairs. Each visit was more bizarre and unusual than the last. You'd think that after a while you'd get used to it, but it still hadn't happened. Then again, it is hard to get used to S-ranked criminal ninjas from another world.

For being an supposedly "evil" organization, the Akatsuki weren't that bad. Sure, they had plans to take over the world, but who didn't these days? As individuals, they were pretty damn awesome.

There were even times when the girls wished they lived in the _Naruto_ world. This, of course, would never happen. Not only did they have obligations here in their world (namely, their friends Ryan and Seth) but Pein simply wouldn't allow it. He said it would be too dangerous for them to go into the _Naruto_ world with the Akatsuki, especially since they had no training whatsoever. So they were stuck in their own world, going to school five days a week and watching lame movies the other two, like they were now.

It was Sunday night, and they were watching _Daybreakers_. Jaye glanced over at her cousin, Clari, and nearly sighed. Even Clari's eyes were glazing over. If Clari wasn't scared during a horror movie, then you knew it sucked. She hated scary movies. Despite this, Jaye managed almost every time to drag her to a frightening, ghost-infested, gore-ridden horror movie in which she sat, curled up in the farthest recesses of the seat, daring only to peep at the screen from the gaps between her fingers.

_Damn vampire craze_, Jaye thought as she watched the sucky movie. Ever since the so-called "vampire craze" instigated by the _Twilight_ phenomenon, the horror movie industry had taken a nose-dive into a steady down-hill spiral. Worse yet, it was the end of October! Movies should be the very epitome of horror. Instead, Hollywood had produced nothing but flops. _Thank God for the classics._

As Jaye's internal monologue rambled on, there was a loud thud from outside the house. Jaye knew it wasn't just her imagination, as Clari and Lily also turned their heads in the direction of the mysterious sound.

"What was that?" Clari whispered, as if the cause of the sound would hear her speak over the shrill screams booming from the speaker system.

"I dunno. Only one way to find out," Jaye said, standing up and grabbing her coat.

"I'll come with you. Clari, would you please put in another movie? I don't think I can watch that any more," Lily said, following her daughter out the door.

"Okay," Clari agreed, ejecting the DVD and flipping through the vast selection of film they'd stocked up over the years. She hummed a meaningless song to herself, shifting though the stacks of cases until she found the movie she was looking for. _Zombieland_. It was everybody's favorite. Carefully putting _Daybreakers_ back in its case, she placed _Zombieland_ in the DVD player and pushed the slot in.

Clari glanced at the door. It had been nearly five minutes, but Lily and Jaye weren't back yet. Pausing the movie, she shrugged her coat on over her pajamas and, after a moment of consideration, grabbed the baseball bat from the closet near the front door. Clari wasn't entirely sure what a lazy teenage girl with a baseball bat was going to do to someone that Jaye (who was a blackbelt in karate) and Lily (who lifted weights) couldn't vanquish, but it was worth a shot to just take a look.

She opened the door and was face to face with Pein.

"Hello," said the leader of the Akatsuki, pushing her aside. Seven more Akatsuki members filed in (Zetsu was missing), calmly and quietly, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Lily shuffled behind them, thoroughly confused. Jaye didn't come in. Clari poked her head outside and saw her cousin standing in the middle of the yard with a dazed look on her face.

"JAYE! GET IN HERE!" she yelled.

Jaye drifted to the door, in a trance of some sort. Clari waved a hand in front of her face. When that didn't work, she slapped her cheek, none too gently.

"OW! Bitch, that hurt!" Jaye shouted, touching her reddened cheek.

"You were unresponsive. What's wrong?"

Jaye, once more, got a spacey look on her face. "Hidan hugged me."

"Weird," Clari agreed.

"Very."

"Are you girls okay?" Pein asked immediately after they'd walked in the room.

"Umm...yeah. Why?" Clari inquired.

"We received information saying that Konoha knew about you," Konan explained. "We were concerned that they'd get here before us."

"Wait, wait," Lily said. "You're telling me that the other guys know about us too? Are the girls in danger?"

"We aren't sure. But we are going to stay here until we are," Pein said. "I have Zetsu keeping an ear out back in our world."

"I see..." Jaye said. "Why don't you just take us to your world?"

"NO," Pein and Lily said at the same time. Pein said it was too dangerous (once again) and Lily said that they had school tomorrow, so they couldn't. Clari and Jaye pouted, but did not object.

"School?" Deidara said.

"Yeah, we gotta go every Monday through Friday from eight to three," Jaye said. "And Mom's gotta work. So you'll probably have the house to yourselves."

"Wait, what if Konoha kidnaps you while you're at school?" Konan said, frowning.

"Hmmm..." Pein thought. "Then I suppose we'll have to go to school with you."

There was a long silence. Then the protests started.

"What? You can't come to school with us!" Clari said.

"Why?"

"Because everyone will recognize you!"

"We'll be discreet. Wear normal clothes and such things."

"That won't be enough!" Jaye objected.

"Besides, it would be a pain if you _all_ came to school with us," Clari continued. "And most of you are too old. Plus you don't have the proper transcripts; you've never even been to school! Not to mention the fact that, no matter what you do, you're going to be recognized by _Naruto_ fangirls, particularly those of you who have abnormal features. Kisame, Kakuzu, Tobi; you guys couldn't even step outside."

"Deidara, Hidan, Konan," Pein said. "Are not too old. Transcripts won't be a problem; trust me. And we will make them unrecognizable."

"What about Lily?" Clari pointed out. "She needs someone with her too, doesn't she?"

"Konan," Pein instructed.

"What are the rest of you going to do?"

"Watch the house, of course."

"That bastard is _not _coming to school with me!" Jaye sneered, jabbing a finger in Hidan's direction.

"What did you say, bitch?"

"You heard me, pedophile!"

"What the fuck? When did I become a pedophile?"

"When you decided to molest me in the front yard, that's when!"

"Damn it, I told you I fucking slipped on the wet grass!"

Clari put her hand over Jaye's mouth before she could argue further. "I don't think this is going to work, Pein. How about you scout the perimeter of the school instead of actually sending Deidara and Hidan in as students?"

Pein considered this for a moment. "I suppose that would work. If there is anything suspicious though, then we're changing the plan."

"It's a deal," Clari agreed. She dropped her hand from Jaye's mouth.

"You can't shut me up like that!" Jaye shouted.

"I just did," Clari said blankly.

"Okay, how about we all go to bed? We've got an early day tomorrow," Lily cut in.

"No! We want to talk for a little longer!" Jaye complained. "We haven't seen you guys in forever!"

"We're tired," Pein said. "Everyone should have plenty of time to talk later."

"Fine," Jaye mumbled. Everyone went to their respective rooms, with the exception of Zetsu, who was absent. Jaye and Clari were left alone in the living room, staring after the retreating black cloaks.

"I still say he molested me," Jaye sniffed, following Bear up the stairs. "Fucking rapist bastard."

"It's not rape if you liked it," Clari pointed out. After a moment of dead silence, she found herself sprawled out at the foot of the stairs. Jaye continued walking up as if nothing had happened. Clari gaped after her. "You pushed me!"

"What about it?"

"Down the stairs!"

"So?"

"I could have died!"

"Coulda shoulda woulda," Jaye replied, closing the door to her room.

"That doesn't even make sense!" Clari yelled after her. From the top of the stairs, she faintly heard Deidara's voice.

"Shut up, un! Some of us are trying to sleep!"

Clari made a face in the speaker's direction and walked up the stairs to her own bedroom, opening the blond artist's door and flipping the light on in the meantime. He retaliated by sending a bomb after her. It chased her all the way to her own room, until it hit the door she suddenly slammed shut in her escape.

"That was a bit harsh..." she mumbled. The door behind her rattled with the force of a tiny explosion.

oOoOoOoOo

The girls got up too early for Deidara and Hidan to be the ones who came to school with them. Deidara tried to blow Clari up when she went to wake him, and Hidan simply wouldn't get out of bed, no matter how much Bear licked his face. Lily and Konan had already left for the bank where Lily worked, so Pein instructed Itachi and Kisame to watch them. When Kisame complained, Pein sighed and said that he would send another pair over around noon.

The girls and the ninjas left for school.

"So...how's this gonna work?" Jaye asked as they drove down the road. "You can't come in the school with us, so how are you going to watch us?"

"We'll just watch the school," Kisame explained, though the question was obviously directed at Itachi. "No one can get you without something suspicious happening to the school, right?"

"But how are you gonna do that? Won't you be noticed, standing outside a school?" Clari inquired.

"We'll use ninjutsu," Itachi said. "Though it would be helpful if there was some cover near the school."

"There's some trees by the track," Jaye said helpfully.

"That will work."

By now they had arrived at the school. Jaye pointed out the track when the got out of the car, and Kisame and Itachi darted over there.

"Do you really think this is gonna work?" Jaye asked as her and Clari walked across the parking lot to the building.

"No," Clari said honestly. "But it's better than them actually coming inside the school with us. Besides, do you believe that Konoha is after us?"

"I dunno...they could be," Jaye said. Suddenly she squealed. "That would be so fucking awesome!"

"Yeah, until they get into it with the Akatsuki," Clari snorted.

"Psh, Konoha doesn't stand a chance," Jaye said dismissively.

A shrill bell came from the building and they quickened their pace so they wouldn't be late for first hour.

oOoOoOoOo

"Do you hear that?" Itachi said suddenly. They were lounging on the thin branches of the pine trees by the track, watching the girls' gym class run laps (or at least in Kisame's case).

"Hear what?"

"A...siren?"

"I don't hear anything," Kisame said nonchalantly, turning his attention back the the high school girls.

"Why does that not surprise me?" Itachi said under his breath. But, since Kisame didn't hear anything and the gym class below didn't seem alarmed (though they probably wouldn't have been able to hear it either way), he said back and allowed himself to relax. This was probably the easiest assignment Pein had ever given them. Itachi would be almost sorry when he would have to go back to that house full of noisy imbeciles.

Nothing happened for an hour or so. Then the girls stopped running and began walking back to the school.

"Aw!" Kisame cried. "Now what do I do?"

Itachi was about to give a snarky answer when the bell chimed again. This time Kisame definitely heard it too. The girls below squealed and began running towards the school building.

"You don't think...?"

"Let's go."

They jumped from the trees and raced to the school building.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari and Jaye were on their way to second hour when the front doors of the school (which they just happened to be passing at the time) burst open, chilling them with cold October wind and revealing two ominous figures. Several stupid girls screamed and ran away from the area. Clari and Jaye just stared at the doors in disbelief. Why were they here? Nothing suspicious had happened!

To make matters worse, they hadn't even bothered to disguise themselves. If the girls waited any longer to take action, a student would recognize them or a teacher would investigate all the commotion.

"Clari? Jaye?" Kisame called. Clari slapped her forehead. Jaye twitched and threw her binder at them from across the hallway. Kisame noticed it and dodged it, whipping out his sword.

"_Really_?" Clari cried, marching over to them. They relaxed a fraction.

"Oh, you guys are okay - "

"OUTSIDE!" she screamed, forcefully shoving them back out the doors. Once they were a safe distance from the front door, she placed her hands on her hips and hissed, "What is your _problem_?"

"What do you mean? We thought we heard a siren," Itachi explained.

"That was the bell to change classes, you dumbass!" Jaye snapped.

"Oh," the partners said in unison.

Clari sighed. "Look, just go back to the track and, next time, try to be more discreet if you need us. Please?"

The bell rang again, making Kisame and Itachi jump.

"Great! Now we're gonna be late to second hour!" Jaye accused, grabbing her cousin's arm. "Let's go Clari."

As they raced back inside, the partners glanced at each other.

"I think we upset them," Itachi stated.

"Ya think?" Kisame replied. "Come on, let's go back to the track."

"You just want to watch the girls again."

"Excuse me for being bored."

oOoOoOoOo

The rest of the day went by slowly. Clari and Jaye both got detention for being late to second hour, and would have to stay an extra hour after school on Wednesday.

"Damn Mr. Williams," Jaye muttered as the final bell rang and they walked out to the car. "That son-of-a-bitch."

"He's been a total bastard ever since his wife divorced him," Clari agreed.

"Why someone would marry that guy in the first place is beyond me."

As Jaye slammed the car door, Deidara and Tobi popped up from the back seat, almost giving the girls a heart attack.

"How was Jaye-chan and Clari-chan's day?" Tobi asked innocently.

"Crappy, thanks to you!" Jaye snapped. "Fish-boy and Emotionless Bastard got us detention!"

"Well, I had a wonderful day," Deidara remarked. "You guys picked the best spying spot ever, un!"

Clari slapped the back of his head. "Pervert."

"Ow!" Deidara complained. "That hurt my head, and my heart, un."

"Tough shit," Jaye said.

"Any word from Zetsu?" Clari inquired.

"Nope, not yet. Why, you anxious to get rid of us, un?"

"Hey," Jaye interrupted before Clari could answer. "Do you think you guys will stay for Thanksgiving?"

"What's that?"

"It's when people stuff themselves with food," Clari explained. "It's two weeks from now."

"I dunno. Doubt it, un."

"What about Christmas?"

"Huh?"

Jaye sighed. "Nevermind."

She pulled into the driveway. "How long is Pein gonna keep this whole body guard thing up?"

"Who knows, un?"

As they walked up the front steps and stopped at the door, Jaye held out her arms to stop them.

"What are you doing now?" Clari asked, exasperated.

"I have to make my grand entrance," Jaye explained, cracking her knuckles. "You don't think I do these things on a whim, do you?"

Clari sighed and opened the front door (very unceremoniously, to Jaye's dismay). The latter pouted as Deidara and Tobi walked past her, but eventually accepted the fact that she was going to have to go without her grand entrance for once in her life.

"Hi, girls!" Jaye heard her mother call. She spotted Clari and Deidara and Tobi frozen in the entry way. She had just enough time to wonder what was going on before covering her ears against the boisterous chord of...a guitar?

Last time she checked, no one here played guitar.

"What the fuck?" she yelled over the booming music, which was now a full fledged song. A dazed Deidara stepped out of the way so she could see the sure-to-be-catastrophe that lay ahead.

Oh Lord.

Mother had dug up _Guitar Hero_.

"Isn't this great?" Lily cried. "I've been looking for this game forever! Who would have thought that I would find it in attic?"

"Where I hid it," Jaye muttered.

"What was that, Jaye?"

"Nothing Mom. Say...why don't we play a different game?"

"Yeah, since there's not enough controllers for everyone..." Clari mumbled, still in somewhat of a shock.

"What? She just finished explaining how to play!" Hidan shouted. "I wanna try!"

"No you don't, dammit!"

"You don't tell me what to do, bitch!"

"Why can't we play?" Konan asked. "It seems rather enjoyable."

"It seems like it would be, doesn't it?" Jaye retorted.

As the others bickered, Deidara leaned in and muttered, "Why don't you want them to play, un?"

"Let's just say that Lily gets really, really into this particular game," Clari whispered back.

"I used to play the trombone in band as a high schooler," Lily babbled on. "But my real dream has always been to be in a rock band! I've never bothered to learn how to play the guitar though, so this game is perfect for me!"

"Ohh..." the Akatsuki said in unison.

"So," Lily growled, suddenly surrounded by a dark aura. "_Who wants to play?_"

oOoOoOoOo

Clari picked through what was left of the living room furniture. Apparently Lily wasn't the only one who got overexcited when playing _Guitar Hero_. One minute, she and Pein were rockin' out to Ozzy Osborne's _Crazy Train_, and then next minute all the furniture in the living room took a little trip into the kitchen.

She picked up a large, narrow hunk of wood. "I found the armrest for the rocking chair!"

"Oh, good," Lily said, taking it from her and placing it in a pile of wood. "That was the last piece we needed."

"I can't believe you actually kicked it that far."

"I know. Even I was impressed."

"Do you see why we hid _Guitar Hero_ from you now?" Jaye sneered, hitting her mother on the back of the head with what seemed to be a piece of a recliner.

"Yes, I do. I'm sorry," Lily said solemnly. Glaring, she took the metal rod from Jaye's hand and whacked her with it. "And respect your elders."

"Damn..." Jaye said, wincing as she rubbed the back of her head. "What a bitch."

"What did you say about me?"

Jaye grabbed Clari's arm and dragged her upstairs. "Come on, Clari! Time for bed!"

"Get back here!" Lily roared.

"Run!"

"Wah, why did you drag me into this?" Clari squeaked, bolting upstairs with her cousin.

Jaye felt fingers around her ankle. "Shit! She got me! Save yourself, Clari!"

"Will do!" Clari yelled, leaving her fallen comrade behind.

"No! Wait! Come back!" Jaye screamed, clawing the stairs in an attempt to escape her villainous mother. "OW! Fuck, Mom!"

"I should clean your mouth out with soap!"

"SHIT! GOD DAMMIT, MOTHER! STOP HITTING ME WITH THAT THING!"

"DIE!"

"I think this qualifies as child abuse," Konan commented as she watched this episode with her fellow Akatsuki.

"Indeed," Pein agreed.

"STOP CHATTING NONCHALANTLY AND HELP ME, DAMMIT!" Jaye squealed hysterically.

"Who the fuck says 'nonchalantly'?" Hidan spat.

"AH HA!" Jaye said in triumph, racing up the stairs.

"I LET YOU GET AWAY! YOU JUST REMEMBER THAT!" Lily shouted, raising the rod threateningly.

"Is this a common occurrence in your house?" Kisame asked her with the infamous _WTF?_ expression.

Lily shrugged dismissively, avoiding the question. "Eh, she'll survive. Now, who wants to help me find all the pieces to the couch?"

oOoOoOoOo

In the end, they did manage to put almost all the furniture back together. Pein and Lily both swore never to touch another _Guitar Hero_ controller ever again. Or _Rock Band_, just in case.

Kisame and Itachi walked down to the basement, Itachi said thoughtfully, "I wonder if this means that Pein secretly wants to be a rockstar too."

"...It would explain all his piercings," Kisame said after a moment of consideration.

"Indeed."

oOoOoOoOo

**Sooo...whatcha think? Good enough debut? **

**I think Pein_ does _secretly want to be a rockstar...teehee. X3**

**I do believe that this story is going to be much crazier and more hilarious than the first. Since a lot of sequels aren't as good as the first ones (I hate that, don't you?) I'm going to do my best to break that curse! NOTHING SHALL STOP ME! Bwa ha ha. **

**"Indeed" is said twice in this story. I just love that word. Why? Because it's just such a good response. **

**And because when you say it with a British accent, it sounds AWESOME! I****f you do happen to be British, then you must say "indeed" to me one day.**


	3. Not Blushing and Accidental Dates

**I'm glad I got a lot of positive responses from my readers! :D **

**It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.**

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**Chapter Two: Not Blushing and Accidental Dates**

* * *

The next morning, Hidan and Kakuzu were on the first shift.

"Why the fuck do you have to get up so early?" Hidan complained as they drove to school.

"How should I fucking know?" Jaye snapped. "Ask the moron who decided that school start at eight o'clock in the morning!"

"Yeah, and it's not our fault you had to get up at five in order to do your hair," Clari put in.

"Shut up, bitch!"

"Make me."

"I will!"

"Okay. Do it. I dare you."

"Don't fucking taunt me!"

Kakuzu sighed. "Don't get him all excited before I have to deal with him, Clari."

"I'm right here!"

"Yes, I'm aware. You're yelling right in my ear."

Jaye parked the car. "Okay, do you guys think that you can shut up long enough to keep watch and _not_ alarm everyone in the school?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, bitch?"

"I'm taking that as a no," Jaye remarked.

Kakuzu dragged Hidan out of the car before he could retort.

"Hopefully today will be better than yesterday," Clari commented optimistically.

"Yeah, maybe we won't get detention today!" Jaye said with heavy sarcasm.

Clari ignored her tone. "I wonder how Lily's doing with Konan...we never got to ask her about it because of the whole _Guitar Hero_ catastrophe."

"I'd be more worried about how Konan's doing with Lily..."

oOoOoOoOo

Another shrill ring penetrated the otherwise silent office. Konan felt her eye twitch.

Lily looked at the caller ID and picked it up. "Lily Itishi's office."

Konan looked around the office as Lily talked on the phone. It was about the size of a small bedroom, with a big desk near the back wall and filing cabinets lining the room. There was little more other than pictures of the girls on her desk that portrayed any sense of personality. Apparently it was against "company protocol."

Also against company protocol was jeans and colored hair. So Konan was forced to wear an uncomfortable suit and an itchy blonde wig. Lily tried to explain to the manager that Konan's hair _was_ actually blue, but he wouldn't hear of it.

Under normal circumstances, Konan would have asked Pein to find someone to switch posts with her every other day or so. However, since Lily was an important friend, she decided to take on the task by herself. No matter how uncomfortable the situation.

Still, that didn't stop her desire to drop-kick the manager of this establishment.

Lily sighed and put down the phone. "I gotta go to a meeting, Konan. Do you think that you'll be okay here for a little while?"

"Yes, of course," Konan lied.

"I'm really sorry," Lily said sincerely.

Konan pasted a smile on her face. "There's nothing to apologize for."

"Are you sure? You can go home if you really want to. I honestly don't think I'm in any danger."

"Out of the question. You must have an Akatsuki member at your side at all times until Zetsu gives the okay," Konan said. "I, personally, agree with Pein's orders. You are in a great amount of danger if Konoha knows about you."

Lily paused at the door. "I don't know a lot about the whole anime thing, but aren't they supposed to be the good guys?"

"Yes, supposedly. But they've done their fair share of killing," Konan explained. "Particularly in interrogation."

Lily made a face. "I see..."

"I wouldn't be too worried about it though," Konan added with another forced smile. "We'll protect you to the best of our ability."

Lily opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by her beeping watch. "Ah! I'm late for my meeting! I'm terribly sorry, Konan. We can continue this conversation over lunch."

"Of course," Konan said, but Lily had already ducked out the door and shut it behind her. With a sigh, Konan removed her wig and glanced at the clock. Lily's lunch break was at 12:30pm.

It was 10:48am.

She groaned and slammed her head against the big wooden desk.

Repeatedly.

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan whistled. "Damn! We've got a good view, Kakuzu!"

"I agree. I can count every dollar going into that vending machine..." Kakuzu replied. "Right now I'm at $45, that that's just from today."

Hidan stared at his partner for a while. "You're kidding me, right?"

"What?"

"There are at least twenty girls jogging down there and you're counting how much money is going into the vending machine? Seriously! Kakuzu, we need to hook you up!" Hidan cried.

Kakuzu shook his head at Hidan's crude humor. "Quiet down, Hidan. If you're any louder they'll be able to hear you."

"Is it because you're gay?" Hidan inquired.

"Coming from the guy with no shirt."

"Shut the fuck up!"

_Slap!_

"Ow!"

"What did I say about being quiet! The girls will hear you!"

Hidan rubbed his cheek. "Fuck. Just don't focus on money for once in your life."

"If it will get you to shut up, then fine." Kakuzu brought his attention to the high school girls and almost immediately became bored.

"Well?" Hidan insisted.

"I don't see the big deal," Kakuzu confessed. "Most of these girls are young enough to be my granddaughter, so I hold no romantic interest in them. Also, there are only sixteen of them, not twenty. Learn how to count, Hidan."

"Come on!" Hidan cried. "You don't like any one of them! Not even that hot one over there!"

Kakuzu squinted to the girl that Hidan was pointing too and recognized her immediately. "Hidan, you do realize that's Jaye, right?"

"What? No it's not!" Hidan squinted at the tall, raven-haired girl running the track.

"It is," Kakuzu said. "My perception skills are astronomically more impressive than yours. It's Jaye."

Hidan sat back against the trunk of the tree and jerked his head away from his partner. Curiously, Kakuzu peeked around to see his expression.

"Are you...blushing?"

"Fuck no!"

"I'm detecting a slight rise in temperature."

"I'm not blushing!" Hidan yelled, though Kakuzu was still being forced to look at the back of his silvery head. Even then, Kakuzu could see the red creeping up his neck and shading his ears.

"Show me your face."

"I don't wanna!"

"Then I can only assume you're blushing," Kakuzu sighed.

Hidan fumed for a second before whipping around to face his partner. "I'm not blushing, see?"

"You are."

"I'm not!"

"Your cheeks are red."

"Are not!"

"Red as tomatoes."

"They are not! I'm not blushing because I'm not embarrassed."

"Oh?"

"Yes! I have nothing to be embarrassed about!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Dammit!"

"I beg to differ."

"GO TO HELL, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!"

It was at that point that Kakuzu was knocked out of the tree.

oOoOoOoOo

"Did you hear that?"

"What was that?"

"I don't know..."

Jaye sighed and rubbed her temples as her classmates looked around aimlessly for the source of the screaming and the monstrous thud that took place afterwards. Ryan looked around too, as if the perpetrator might be somewhere in the sky. "Did you hear that, Jaye?"

"Hear what?"

"Cursing and then...some kind of impact. Do you think someone got in a fight?"

"I don't know what you're going on about. I didn't hear anything." Jaye pretended to feel around her waist. "Damn! I must have dropped my phone over by the trees. I'll be right back!"

"I'll go help you find - "

"No!" Jaye yelled. "You just...stay there."

"But why - "

"Stay. There."

"Okay..."

Jaye jogged over to the trees to find Kakuzu laying on the ground. She walked over to him and stared at his motionless body for a while. Then she looked up. "Hidan, what did you do?"

"Wha - psh - ah - nothing!" he stuttered, the tips of his ears going vibrant crimson.

Jaye made a face. "What is your problem? Idiot..."

"What'd you call me, bitch?"

Jaye squatted next to Kakuzu. "You okay?"

"Just peachy," Kakuzu replied. "I'm laying here so I don't kill that bastard."

"I see..." Jaye stood. "I'm going back to class before I get in trouble."

"By the way..." Kakuzu added, sitting up on his elbows. "You do realize that Hidan can see down your shirt from up there."

Jaye felt the blood rush up to her face. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Is that a blush I see?"

"No!"

"I believe it is."

Jaye bit her lip, and, since she wasn't in the mood to argue, made a dash for it. But not before shielding her collar with her hands and accusing Hidan of being a "pervert pedophile rapist bastard."

When she got back to Ryan, she was certain her face was still red and she was still crossing her arms over her chest.

"Uh...Jaye...?"

"Don't ask!" Jaye cried, grabbing Ryan's hand. "Come on, let's finish up this lap!"

"Oh...um...okay..."

oOoOoOoOo

Konan had to pee.

Like, really, really bad.

There was no bathroom connected to Lily's office and Lily said not to leave the office for anything. But she had to pee so bad! It was to the point where she couldn't bare it anymore, or she'd explode. And to make matters worse, it was so incredibly boring in this tiny office that she had nothing else to focus on.

Finally, she gritted her teeth, stood up, adjusted her wig in the mirror, and opened the door to the office. She would find a bathroom, then she would come right back. Harmless.

She slipped into the quiet lobby outside the office. A chipper receptionist sat at the desk with a headset. Konan waddled over to her.

"Um...excuse me?" she said after standing there awkwardly for a moment.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes...I'm new, and I'm looking for the bathroom."

"Go down that hallway right there," the receptionist directed, pointing to the adjacent hallway. "Take the third right turn, then the first left turn, and the bathroom is the second to last door on the left."

"Thank you," Konan said gratefully, though the receptionist had said the directions so quickly she didn't really catch all of it. But she would manage. Anything to find a bathroom, at this point.

As she walked down the hallway, she mumbled the directions to herself. "Take the third right turn...or was it the left...?"

After several minutes, Konan found herself hopelessly lost. And on top of that, she felt like she was getting ready to pee her pants. She'd been stupid for waiting this long to seek a bathroom.

_Crap!_ she thought._ Now what do I do?_

Luckily, she suddenly saw someone turn the corner. Unfortunately, it was Lily's superior. Though she disliked the man, she had no choice but to confront him and ask him where a bathroom was.

"Mr. Mathews?" she asked.

"Who are you?" he said rudely.

"I'm Lily's friend, remember?"

"Oh, yes, that one with the blue hair. What are you doing in the supervisor's quarters? You do know this is off-limits to workers, much less worker's friends."

_Double crap._

"Actually...I was looking for the bathroom," Konan explained.

"Oh," Mr. Mathews said, opening the door to his immediate left. "It's right here."

The sign did, indeed, read: Ladies Room.

"Oh," Konan said, feeling like an idiot for not reading the sign. But that feeling soon evaporated with relief. Yes! The ladies room! She said a hasty thanks to Mr. Mathews and made to dart into the bathroom. But Mr. Mathews continued the conversation.

"You're Lily Itishi's friend, hmm?"

"Ah, yes. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

"You know, you're awfully pretty."

"Thank you, but I really - "

"How about you come to lunch with me?"

"Um, actually I'm already going to lunch with Lily. I really have to go..."

"Then how about coffee tomorrow morning? I won't take no for an answer." Mr. Mathews beamed down on her, not showing any signs of moving out of her way. She was so close, yet so far. _Why?_

"Then yes, sure. Now, I really have to go to the ladies room," Konan rambled, nudging him aside and racing into the bathroom.

It didn't occur to her until after she'd relieved herself that she'd just made a date with Lily's manager. Pein was going to be furious.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari had a tendency to daydream in class, particularly in sixth hour because she was so close to the window. As her Spanish teacher babbled on and Jaye took notes beside her, she idly wondered who was on watch right now...

There was suddenly a bang and a rather large puff of dust near the track.

Why did she even ask?

oOoOoOoOo

"DAMN IT, TOBI! GIVE ME BACK MY CLAY!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

Deidara let off another bomb, this one frighteningly close to Tobi. "AH! DEIDARA-SENPAI! BE CAREFUL!"

Luckily there was no gym class that hour, so no one heard them yelling. But everyone had heard the explosion, and soon there would be teachers flocking the place. Tobi heard them as an infuriated Deidara commanded him to give him back his clay.

"Deidara-senpai!" he said, pointing to the large group of administrators.

"Hide, un!" Deidara ordered. They darted out of the trees and hid behind the bleachers surrounding the track.

"What was that?" the teachers said.

"I don't see anything, do you?"

"No, but keep looking. There has to be something here."

As the teachers searched for them in the trees, Deidara felt a presence behind him. He wheeled around, coming face to face with a teacher.

"Hey! What are you two - " his sentence was cut off as Deidara hit him in his bald head. The unconscious teacher dropped to the ground. Tobi and Deidara stared at him wordlessly.

"Deidara! Tobi!" a familiar voice said behind them. They turned to see Clari, who was gaping at them and the teacher who laid at their feet.

"Hi, Clari-chan!" Tobi quipped.

"What did you _do_?" Clari hissed.

"What do you mean, un?" Deidara asked innocently.

"You...y-you _killed_ _a_ _teacher_!" Clari sputtered.

"He's not dead. Don't worry about it, un."

"Don't worry about it? Don't worry about it!" Clari shrieked. "Of course I'm going to worry about it! You realize that they're going to have this area on lockdown until they find the cause of the explosion, don't you? You won't be able to hide here anymore!"

"So?"

"So, that means that you'll have to find a new place to hide or - "

"Hey, did you hear that? Coming from the bleachers?"

"Let's go check it out!"

Deidara grabbed Clari's hand and hid behind a tree near the bleachers. Tobi darted above them into the branches.

"What are you - ?" Clari began. Deidara clapped a hand over her mouth to shut her up. He peeked around the corner of the tree to see if any of the teachers had heard her. None of them had; they were gathered around the teacher Deidara had knocked out.

"Unless you actually want me to kill your teachers, I suggest you be as quiet as possible," Deidara whispered. Clari nodded, but he still didn't remove his hand, just in case.

"I don't see anything..."

"It must have just been Bernie. Let's take him back to the school and let the nurse take care of him."

Two teachers dragged the teacher named Bernie across the track and back to the school. Tobi jumped down from the tree. "Wow! That was close, huh?"

Clari slumped, relieved that no one had seen them. She became aware that Deidara was still holding her and that his hand was still clamped over her mouth. She glared and said, "Leguomeh!"

"I'm sorry, what was that, un?" Deidara teased. Clari scowled and elbowed him in the stomach, causing him to drop his hand from her mouth.

"I said, 'Let go of me!' " she repeated, stepping away from him and putting her hands on her hips. "What are you two doing? Do you know how much trouble you could have gotten into?"

"Tobi stole my clay - "

"Deidara-senpai tried to blow Tobi up - "

"STOP!" Clari yelled. "Deidara, what were you thinking? Setting off a bomb here? That was just stupid! For being our protectors, you're doing a crappy job at keeping us safe!"

"Sorry, Clari-chan," Tobi mumbled, wiping a tear from his eye.

"What are you doing out here anyway, un?" Deidara said with his eyebrow raised. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"I asked for a bathroom pass," Clari retorted, holding up the orange slip of paper. "Jaye said I probably shouldn't bother, but I wanted to come and check on you guys anyway."

"Aw, Clari-chan was concerned about Tobi and Deidara-senpai!" Tobi said, clapping his hands together.

"Actually, I was more concerned about the teachers," Clari muttered, though her face had gone a bit pink. "Just don't set off any more bombs or anything like that. If something else like this happens, then people will start to get suspicious."

"Right!"

As Clari walked away, Tobi stared up at Deidara.

"What, un?"

"Tobi wonders if Clari-chan realizes that Deidara-senpai has mouths on his hands, that's all."

oOoOoOoOo

"You _what_?" Lily exclaimed, nearly choking on her order of lo mein from the Chinese place across the street from her work. Konan had just finished telling her about her run-in with Mr. Mathews and the accidental date she scheduled.

"Breathe! Lily, breathe!" she urged. When Lily finally stopped gasping for air, Konan sat back and tucked a piece of blue hair behind her ear. "I don't see what the problem is. I'll just cancel and say I'm sick."

"And then show up with me an hour later?" Lily said. "That's not going to work. You either have to go with him or you can't come to work with me that day."

"Not an option," Konan said firmly. "I have to go to work with you until Zetsu comes back with more information on Konoha."

"Then you have to go on a date with him."

"But...he's...irritating," Konan finished, though she had quite a list of more appropriate words to describe him. "And besides, Pein - "

"Look, I know he's annoying as hell, but you have to go. Or else he'll take it out on me," Lily explained. "And why would Pein care? It's not like you two are a couple or anything...right?"

"Of course not!" Konan snapped. "I just don't think he'll be happy with exposing myself your world so openly."

"Please, Konan!" Lily begged. "It doesn't have to be a long date, and you can wear the wig!"

Konan bit her lip. "I don't want him to have any ill-will towards you...I suppose one hour won't kill me."

"Oh, thank you," Lily sighed, relieved. "I owe you one."

"Yes, you do."

oOoOoOoOo

When Jaye and Clari heard about Konan's date with Mr. Mathews, they were outraged. Because not only was Julian Mathews Lily's boss, he was also the father of their arch-nemesis, Kathrine Mathews. After Jaye went into hysterics and Clari started hyperventilating, Konan assured them that she didn't plan on making any second dates.

"Pein!" Jaye exclaimed. "You can't possibly be okay with this!"

"I don't mind," he said, shrugging.

"What?" Konan said with a mildly irritated look on her face.

"Just don't expose us," Pein added, sipping his glass of water.

"You're telling me that you don't care at _all_?" Konan hissed, clenching her hands into fists.

"No," Pein said, catching her expression. "Should I?"

Konan replied by making a very unattractive snorting noise and stomping upstairs, slamming the door behind her. Pein looked at the rest of the people in the room blankly, wondering why they were shaking their heads and, in some cases, trying not to laugh. "Did I say something?"

"Don't worry about it," Clari said.

"Yeah, you'll probably just be sleeping on the couch tonight," Jaye added, letting a chuckle slip through her mildly composed face.

Pein, again, just looked at them blankly.

oOoOoOoOo

Meanwhile, Konan schemed tirelessly in their room. She didn't know exactly why Pein's easy-going attitude towards this bothered her so, but she did know that it bothered her. A lot. More than the piss she had to take did. She wanted to make him feel this discomfort. But how? _How?_

"You forgot to lock the door," Clari said from behind her. Konan jumped. She had been so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she hadn't heard them (Jaye was there too) come in.

"Some ninja you are," Jaye snorted. Konan glared, but allowed them access. They were girls, they should understand.

"I need your help."

"With?" the girls said in unison.

"I don't know exactly..."

"I do," Jaye said. "What you need help with, Konan, is revenge."

Revenge. It did have a nice ring to it. "So how do we accomplish that?"

Clari and Jaye glanced at each other and gave her identical sadistic smiles. She was suddenly regretting their recruitment. But, after much explaining and preparation, Konan felt confident about their plan. She had no doubt that it would work.

However, there was one thing that bothered her. "I still don't understand why I'm so upset."

Clari and Jaye stared at her for a long moment. "Really?"

"No, I don't. I mean, why _should_ it bother him...?"

"Konan, you're irked because you like Pein," Clari said bluntly.

"Well of course. I like all of the Akatsuki members. Well, most of them," Konan added as an afterthought.

"No, she means that you_ like _like him," Jaye explained. "Getting-married-and-having-children kind of like. Love, if you will."

Konan dismissed this suggestion. "Psh, please. Love Pein? Don't be absurd."

Clari and Jaye sighed at Konan's dense mind. They couldn't convince her now, but perhaps, in the near future, they would.

Or not.

* * *

**Yes, yes, the next few chapters will be Pein/Konan. They're so fun. X3**


	4. Pink Hair and Petting Zoos

**Chapter Three: Pink Hair and Petting Zoos**

* * *

The next morning, Hidan, Kakuzu, Lily and Pein gawked at Konan. Jaye and Clari smiled at their creation, proud of their work. You see, Konan was on her way to her "date" with Lily's boss, Mr. Mathews. And, though both of the girls resented that particular man for giving birth to their arch-nemesis, they figured it would be interesting to assist Konan in her attempt to get Pein jealous. Even though the blue-haired ninja was too dense to appreciate it to the full extent, as she still denied her feelings for the Akatsuki leader.

Since Konan would be going with Lily to the office immediately after her breakfast date with Mr. Mathews, she had to wear a suit. This made it a little more difficult for the girls, but they managed to succeed in what they thought would make Pein extremely jealous. They'd stuck Konan in a black, skin-tight suit with a slitted pencil skirt and red pointy-toed heels. They also put her in the blonde wig, along with some makeup.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" she inquired, sticking her hand underneath the blond wig and itching her head.

"Yes, it'll work," Jaye huffed, tired of Konan's frequent questions. "You're hot."

So, the girls headed downstairs to continue getting ready for school. Several minutes later, Konan followed, waddling down the stairs one at a time. And now we're back to gawking and smiling.

"Konan, you look great," Lily said in awe. "Are you sure you're not planning on making a second date?"

"Maybe," Konan said vaguely. "Maybe not. We'll just have to see how it goes."

Pein seemed to be rendered speechless.

"Well, I'm sure you'll knock him dead," Lily said, glancing at Leader. "We should probably get going though, if you don't want to be late."

"Okay," Konan agreed, brushing past Pein coldly. They left, Lily biting her lip to restrain her laughter. As soon as the door closed, the girls pounced on Pein.

"You didn't even say anything!" Clari snapped.

"What should I have said?" Pein glared.

"Oh I don't know, something along the lines of: 'Don't go, I'm secretly in love with you!' " Jaye suggested.

"But I'm not," Pein said without blinking.

"Ugh! You two are so dense!" Clari exclaimed in exasperation. "You could have at least said she looked nice!"

Before Pein could reply, Jaye looked at the time. "Come on, Clari, we're gonna be late for school."

With one last venomous scowl at the Akatsuki leader, the girls dragged Hidan and Kakuzu to the truck and made their way to school.

oOoOoOoOo

Konan and Lily arrived at the coffee shop across the street from the bank where Lily worked at around eight o'clock. Lily wished Konan luck and walked across the street to the bank. Konan squinted through the windows of the shop until she recognized Mr. Mathews' form at a little round table with two Styrofoam coffee containers on the top. She walked through the doors and nervously edged to the table, not entirely sure what to expect.

"You're ten minutes late," Mr. Mathews snapped as she sat down. Konan scowled defensively at his tone, mostly because she was not ten minutes late and that she had the ability to kill him in a thousand different ways.

"Actually, I'm five minutes late," she said as politely as she could. She needed to tolerate him if she was going to get a second date.

"Same difference," he replied dismissively. "Late is late. I won't accept it."

"Excuse me for not being able to control heavy traffic," Konan muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

At first Konan tried her best to initiate small talk as she sipped her coffee, only to realize that she had absolutely nothing in common with Julian Mathews. In fact, she found him increasingly insufferable. All he talked about was his "darling daughter," who Konan knew to be a complete bitch. If Lily's job wasn't on the line, she would bring the doting father back down to Earth. Rudely.

When the time finally came for them to walk across the street to the bank, Konan practically jumped out of her seat. She couldn't wait to get away from this man. However, Mr. Mathews had other plans.

"I had a great time," he said as the crossed the street. "Would you like to accompany me to dinner tomorrow night?"

Konan thought hard before she answered. She definitely did _not _want to accompany him to dinner tomorrow night, or any other night for that matter, but if she voiced these thoughts then Lily would have a difficult time at work. And she wouldn't be able to properly extract revenge against Pein. Konan burned with anger when she remembered his impassive face at the stairwell. He hadn't even complimented her!

But then again, she didn't really need Julian Mathews to make Pein jealous.

With this in mind, she gave him a blinding smile and declined as politely as she could, saying that she was doing something tomorrow night and that she would be busy all week.

"Oh well," Mathews sighed, shrugging. "My wife will be disappointed if I don't have dinner tomorrow with her anyway."

Konan froze, causing several cars to honk. "_What_?"

"What?" Mathews repeated, pulling her onto the curb.

"You're married?"

"Yes, didn't you know?"

"Of course not! How on earth would I have been able to know that!" Konan cried. "If you're married, then why are you asking other women on dates? Shouldn't you be with your wife?"

"Well, she gets boring."

Konan was ready to strike this man. In fact, her hand was curling into a fist when she heard a familiar voice.

"Konan? What are you doing out in the middle of the street?"

Konan whipped around, coming face to face with none other than Pein himself. It was hard to recognize him under the shaggy black wig and suit that Lily had forced him into. "Pein? What are you doing here?"

"I became concerned about you," he said, grabbing her hand and tugging her away from Mathews. "As I was sitting at home, I realized you could easily give us away if you weren't careful. Not that you aren't careful most of the time, but if that Mathews guy is as annoying as the girls portrayed him to be, then I figured you might get angry and do something you would regret later."

"Oh," Konan said, though she was secretly pleased.

"By the way, Konan," Pein continued, glancing down at her. "I forgot to tell you. You look very nice."

Konan beamed.

As they were absorbed in their own problems, they completely forgot about Mr. Mathews being stranded on the curb. Mathews, of course, was not happy about his date being taken away by another man, nor was he satisfied to learn that he had just been manipulated into making that same man jealous. He scowled in their direction, thinking of a way he could get even with them. Then, of course, he realized that Lily was the mutual party. "I'm going to make Ms. Itishi's job hell."

Just as suddenly as he'd appeared, Pein wheeled around, dragging Konan behind him. He heard Mr. Mathews declaration with his ninja ears and wasn't happy about it. He loomed over Lily's boss, calling a menacing aura around him on command. "Let me just say, Mr. Mathews, that if you so much as give Lily an extra paper to file then I will make your miserable life hell. In fact, I think it would be advisable to give Lily a pay raise, or even a promotion. Don't you agree, Konan?"

"Yes, I do. I think it would be very advisable. I don't know _what_ would happen if _you _lost your temper," Konan said with a nod.

"R-right," Mathews stuttered, thoroughly frightened by Pein's aura and it's implications.

"I'm glad we understand each other," Pein said. "Now, go inside and tell Lily the good news."

Mr. Mathews practically sprinted to the safety of the bank. Konan and Pein watched him go.

"That was very nice of you," Konan remarked, turning to Pein. "Lily will be pleased."

"Yes, well, Mathews isn't exactly on my good side," Pein replied crossly.

"Oh? And why is that?"

"He's an imbecile."

"I completely agree."

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan, Kakuzu, and the girls chatted about Konan the whole way to school. Hidan raved on and on about how she cleaned up good. Kakuzu voiced his opinion and said that he thought Konan looked like a prostitute.

"What?" Jaye and Clari exclaimed at the same time. "She did not!"

"I think she did."

"Then you obviously have never seen a prostitute," Clari sniffed, insulted.

"Have _you_?" Kakuzu said, lifting an eyebrow.

"Well...no. But I know they don't dress up in suits like that! She looked like a sophisticated, yet hot businesswoman."

"I still think she looked like a prostitute," Kakuzu sighed.

"Please! She did not look like a prostitute. I could show you what one looks like, but I don't want the neighbors getting any wrong ideas," Jaye said.

"Why don't you dress up like one for me?" Kakuzu said slyly.

"That's fucking sick!" Hidan intervened. "Bitch is a bitch, not a prostitute!"

"Are you saying I couldn't pull off dressing like a prostitute?" Jaye retorted.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, bitch!"

"I bet I could be a better prostitute than you, bastard!"

"There's no way in hell you could be a better prostitute than me!"

"There's only one way to settle this," Kakuzu proposed. "You two have to have a contest to see who makes the better prostitute."

"What? I'm not doing that!" Jaye snapped.

"Why? Are you scared?" Hidan teased.

"No! It's unfair! You're used to going around half-naked all the time!" Jaye remarked.

"Fuck you!"

"Itachi will be the judge," Kakuzu continued.

"But that's not fair! Itachi's not gay, as far as we know," Hidan roared. "Get Deidara to do it!"

"Deidara isn't gay," Clari said.

"Yeah, you would know."

"We're getting off topic," Kakuzu said. "Are you guys having the contest or not?"

Hidan and Jaye, both unwilling to be the first ones to back out, nodded resignedly.

"Good," Kakuzu said, enjoying the prospect of embarrassing the two of them even more. "Itachi, Konan, and Pein will be the judges then."

They arrived at the school, and the ninjas darted towards the track. As the girls walked across the parking lot to the school, Jaye's eyes widened in horror. She turned to her cousin. "Clari...what have I done?"

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan and Kakuzu were unbelievably bored at the track. It was too cold for any classes to be held outside, so they were alone on their desolate little tree, waiting for the next pair to show up.

"Do you really think this is necessary?" Kakuzu said thoughtfully, turning a kunai over in his hands. "Guarding the school like this? We haven't seen anyone from Konoha, and it's already been three days."

"We haven't gotten any word from Zetsu," Hidan growled irritably. "Fucking bastard. Probably on vacation, instead of spying on Konoha like he should be."

Kakuzu sighed. "Nobody's even come to the vending machine."

"Would you shut the fuck up about the vending machine?"

"I can't help it if we have different interests, Hidan."

"You're interests aren't interesting! Dammit!"

"It's nearly noon. Deidara and Tobi should be here any second."

As if on cue, the blonde artist and the masked man came into view.

"Sorry we're late, un," Deidara grumbled. "Damn Tobi had to stop to - "

"Don't tell them, Deidara-senpai!"

" - pet the rabbits at the petting zoo down the street," Deidara finished, ignoring his partner's request. Kakuzu and Hidan shook their heads sadly at the childish Akatsuki member. How he even got in the organization was beyond them.

"Whatever. I just wanna get out of this fucking place! Boring as hell!" Hidan complained.

"No girls today, un?" Deidara said, disappointed.

"Nope."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari and Jaye sat at the cafeteria table idly, munching on fries. Ryan and Seth had yet to come sit down, so they felt it safe to talk about the Akatsuki.

"How long do you think they're gonna stay here until they realize that no one's hunting us?" Jaye said.

"I dunno. They'll probably stay until Zetsu comes back."

"You know, I think Zetsu might not be spying like he should. He might be on vacation or something. I would, if I were him. Can you imagine taking orders from Pein twenty-four-seven like that? I feel kinda bad for him and Itachi," Jaye rambled.

Clari was preparing a reply until something caught her attention. She frowned across the cafeteria. "Jaye?"

"What?"

"Did you see that?"

Jaye swiveled around in her seat, following Clari's range of vision. "See what?"

"Nevermind. It must have been my imagination."

"What'd you see?"

"I thought I saw...pink hair."

At that point Ryan and Seth plopped down next to them, and they found it inconvenient to discuss the issue any further. Surely it was just Clari's imagination, after all.

oOoOoOoOo

Pein sat at the girls' house, flipping through the channels on the TV. Konan stayed with Lily at the bank, but he'd found the black wig and suit intolerable so he came back to the house. Besides, it probably wouldn't be wise to leave the Akatsuki here alone. Particularly Hidan and Kakuzu, who were in the midst of an argument when they arrived from school.

He glanced at the time and sighed. The girls should be home soon, then he'd leave responsibility to them. They seemed to handle the Akatsuki members fairly well, which was a welcome break from the normal chaos.

"Oh! Stop here! I wanna watch this!" Kisame exclaimed from the seat beside him. Pein didn't recognize this particular cartoon (something about a sponge under the sea) so he continued flipping, much to Kisame's chagrin.

Suddenly, there was a plant-man between him and the television.

"Zetsu?" he said, actually surprised.

"Leader, I have news," Zetsu said urgently. "Konoha - they already have agents here!"

"What?" Pein roared, hopping off the couch. "Who?"

"Hatake Kakashi's team: Sai, Haruno Sakura, and Uzumaki Naruto."

"Naruto? Isn't that - ?" Kisame began.

"The kyuubi," Pein said. "The nine-tailed demon fox."

"What do we do?" Kisame inquired.

"Where are they now?" Pein interrogated urgently.

"I don't know. The only reason I know what little information I have is because I caught some friends of Naruto's talking about it. Apparently the mission was top secret," Zetsu explained. He looked around. "Where are the girls?"

"At school," Pein explained, glancing at the clock. It was well past the time the girls should be home. With Konoha ninjas on the loose in this world, he wasn't in the mood to be lenient about their delay. Hopefully Deidara and Tobi had already become suspicious and were investigating. Though Pein highly doubted it. "Kisame, alert all the others immediately. We're going to school."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari and Jaye sat in detention, bored. They weren't to do anything but homework, if they had any. Which of course they didn't, on the one day it would have been welcome. Better than sitting in the silent classroom, doing nothing.

There was no way they could get even a whisper of conversation to break the looming silence of the class, so when the teacher wasn't looking Jaye passed Clari a note.

_Do you think Pein remembered that we had detention?_

_Probably not. Lily knows though, so she'll tell him when she gets home. It's not Pein I'm worried about. _

_Who are you worried about?_

_Whoever's on guard duty is going to come looking for us, if they don't know we have detention. _

_Well, at least it gets us out of it early._

Clari did not reply back to that. Frankly, there was nothing she could reply with other than an agreement. They had both completely forgotten about detention until after lunch, and by then it was much too late to alert anyone. So, Clari didn't feel like passing notes. She was too busy worrying about the chance that the partners on duty would do something to give themselves away.

oOoOoOoOo

"Deidara-senpai."

"What, un?"

"Are you sure we should be doing this? Tobi doesn't want us to get in trouble."

The inched across the empty parking lot of the school, uncertain. It was well past three o'clock, and the girls still hadn't exited the building. Deidara thought it was very suspicious, but he didn't want to do anything that would reveal his or Tobi's identity. They'd stolen some black hoodies from a couple teenagers, but it was hardly enough to adequately conceal themselves. At least they hadn't worn their cloaks today.

"I dunno, un. But it's the only thing we can do right now. So stop questioning it and walk faster."

They entered the school building and froze. Not only were they hopelessly confused by the converging hallways and doors, or nervous about the curious glances they were receiving, but they were surprised to see someone that they hadn't expected to see in this dimension.

Uzumaki Naruto.

He was in disguise, of course. But Deidara and Tobi both recognized him immediately. Naruto seemed equally surprised to see them. The shock quickly dissolved into a fierce battle emotion.

"Yo!" he shouted across the hallway. "Akatsuki!"

"What should we do now, Deidara-senpai?" Tobi whispered.

Deidara thought. "The girls are a priority. We can't risk them getting hurt, un."

"So...Tobi needs to find the girls?"

"Yeah, and I'll battle the kyuubi."

"Right. Tobi is a good boy!"

It was right then that three Narutos charged at Deidara and Tobi at full speed.

oOoOoOoOo

When Clari and Jaye heard the explosion, they knew it didn't come from outside. It was too loud for that and, besides, they saw a flash of light from the tall rectangular window in the door.

"What the - ?" Mr. Williams began, standing up from his desk urgently. There was screaming from the other side of the door. Jaye and Clari glanced at each other, panicked, and raced to the door, Mr. Williams yelling at them to get back in the classroom.

But when they reached the hallway, they were met by a girl with vibrant pink hair and wide green eyes. They froze in confusion and shock, which was mirrored on the Haruno Sakura's face.

"There you are!" she breathed, scowling at them as if they'd caused her a huge inconvenience. Not that they'd even met her before now. In fact, how did she even know who they were?

They didn't have time to ask this question. Sakura grabbed one of their arms in each hand and dragged them further down the hallway, ranting all the while. "I didn't realize it'd be so hard to find a short girl with multi-colored hair," she glared, eying Clari's black, brown, and orange cap of hair. "Or a tall girl with black hair and gray eyes. But it was hard! I finally found you, so we can leave this godforsaken world! Sai! Sai, where the hell are you?"

"Here, Sakura!" Sai called, stumbling under the force of another explosion. "The Akatsuki are fighting Naruto and Kakashi."

"How many are there?" Sakura asked, still dragging the stunned girls behind her. Clari and Jaye were paralyzed with shock, too surprised to do anything. They didn't even realize that Sakura was practically breaking their arms with her steely grip. Even Jaye wouldn't be able to escape it.

"Two. A blonde one and the one with the orange mask," Sai briefed, spreading a piece of parchment on the floor and uncapping ink. He hurriedly began drawing a bird with swift, even strokes. He paused in his work to inspect Sakura's cargo. "_They're_ the co-conspirators?"

"I think so," Sakura said, glancing at Clari and Jaye incredulously. "They were the only ones who matched the description."

"They don't look like much," Sai remarked, finishing the details on his bird.

This comment sparked Jaye's attention. "Hey! Who the hell do you think you are, talking about us like we aren't even here?"

"Jaye..." Clari squeaked.

"Do you even know why we're here?" Sakura inquired furiously.

"Well, duh! Of course we don't!" Jaye growled back. Honestly, she'd always disliked Sakura in the anime, so she wasn't surprised to discover that she didn't like her in person either.

Sakura whipped around and grabbed the collar of Jaye's shirt, making a fist in the fabric and hauling Jaye to her toes, releasing Clari in the process. "We're here to capture the poor excuses for people that are shielding the Akatsuki! We've been watching you for days, so don't even tell us that that's not you! Do you even know what the Akatsuki's done? How much pain they've caused? How many lives have been lost because of them?"

Jaye, who'd experienced the full force of Hidan's bottomless anger and was therefore unfazed by Sakura's speech, simply spared the pink-haired ninja an icy scowl. She felt that she was in no position to defend the Akatsuki, though every fiber in her argumental body wished that she was. But even Jaye had enough common sense to know when to shut up and when to speak.

"Sakura, it's done," Sai said in monotone, gesturing to the large bird that seemed to be an illustration come to life. Clari, though she acknowledged that Sai's artistic ability was well beyond hers, couldn't help but notice how different this bird was from Deidara's. Although the bird was obviously three-dimensional, as Sai demonstrated as he climbed on it's back, it still had the appearance of something that should have been on paper.

"Good," Sakura snapped, pushing Jaye forward towards the bird. "I'll go help Kakashi and Naruto. You take care of these two."

With that said, she darted off to help her teammates. Sai gave the girls another impassive glance. "Don't even think about running."

"I wasn't planning on it," Jaye muttered. Both of them were aware that they wouldn't be able to get away even if they tried. At least not without the assistance of the Akatsuki, all of whom were either fighting or at home. With this in mind, Jaye's gaze flickered over to the battle around the corner nervously. She didn't want any of the Akatsuki to get hurt or, God forbid, _die_.

Sai motioned for them to get on the bird as another explosion went off. This one was so close that Jaye could feel the heat of it on her skin. Knowing that Deidara could be a bit of a maniac when it came to his art, she begrudgingly shuffled towards Sai and his creation. What other choice did she have, at this point? Clari followed her, her brow creasing with hesitation and worry.

There was yet another explosion, this one so powerful and nearby that it knocked them all off their feet. Jaye felt a breeze all around her, fanning away the heat from the last explosion and bits of plaster that were chipping off the walls. The wings of a large clay bird flickered in and out of perception. Blinking, Clari and Jaye gaped at the enormous creation hovering above them.

Tobi poked his head out from above the bird. "Clari-chan! Jaye-chan! Take Tobi's hands!" He leaned down until his upper body was perilously dangling over the side of the bird. The bird swooped down so Tobi was close enough to haul the girls up with him and Deidara.

Jaye and Clari raced towards Tobi's outstretched hands. Jaye, who was closer and a faster runner than Clari, got there first. Tobi quickly grabbed her hands and swung her aboard. Clari arrived soon afterwards, but was delayed by another explosion that knocked her to the ground.

Sai was suddenly between her and Tobi, looming over Clari with something like a glare on his face. He scooped her up and flung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Clari could do nothing but blink as he sped away, carrying her with him. It was too fast for her eyes to follow.

"Clari-chan!" Tobi called. Deidara, thinking that this meant that Clari was on the bird, flew higher into the air, gliding away from the school. Jaye's eyes widened as she realized what was going on.

"DEIDARA! YOU IDIOT!" she screamed hysterically. "SAI'S GOT CLARI!"

"WHAT?" Deidara roared, whipping around. "TOBI, DAMMIT!"

"Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi cried.

"TURN AROUND!" Jaye shrieked. "DAMMIT, DEIDARA! _TURN AROUND_!"

Deidara did just this, but the size of his bird was so immense that they'd already flown several miles. By the time they got back to the ruins of the school, Team Kakashi and Clari were nowhere to be seen.

oOoOoOoOo

The rest of the Akatsuki arrived at the scene seconds after Deidara landed on the remains of the parking lot. They weren't worried about anyone seeing them at this particular moment, as everyone had fled when the explosions started going off. Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto had all disappeared when they realized that Sai had gotten a hold of at least one of the girls.

"What happened?" Pein shouted at them urgently. Tobi quickly got him up-to-date while Jaye screamed at Deidara, accusing him for not getting Clari back in time.

She was very upset.

"Jaye, calm down," Hidan said, not yelling at her for once in his life. Even he seemed rather frightened.

"Calm down?" Jaye hissed. "_Calm down_? How the fuck can you tell me to calm down when Konoha just _abducted_ Clari? We need to do something, _now_! She's a criminal to them, and if we don't get her back, they'll - they'll - "

"Stop screaming!" Kisame snapped. "We're trying to come up with a plan, and you're not helping."

"Well, excuse me for being panicked! I'm not exactly used to this kind of thing!" Jaye retorted.

"If they know the jutsu to go between worlds, then they're probably heading back to Konoha now," Pein reasoned. "I think that just getting one of you would have been enough for them, especially when they realized that all of us are here."

"So we have to go back, right un?" Deidara urged. "To get Clari?"

Pein glanced at Jaye and hesitated.

"We _are _going to Konoha to get Clari," Jaye said, determined. "And I'm coming with you."

"I'm not sure if it's safe...if we take you with us..."

"You are taking me with you, dammit!" Jaye shrieked, back to hysterics. "It's not any safer here!"

"That's true...but what about school? What about your mother?" Pein inquired, still trying to convince her to stay.

"Hello! Deidara just burned down my school! And Mom would want us to go get Clari as soon as possible!" Jaye insisted. "Why are we even talking about this? We're going to Konoha, we're rescuing Clari, and we're coming back. It's so simple!"

"Okay," Pein said, surrendering. "I'll get Konan to inform Lily. She and Zetsu will stay here and guard her."

Zetsu nodded and melted into the ground. Pein turned to Itachi. "I'll also need you to stay and put up some kind of ward against every ninja but us. We can't have this happening again."

Itachi nodded.

"Good," Pein sighed, clapping his hands together. "Now, Itachi, send us home."

* * *

**SUSPENSE! **

**Also...**

**WE'RE GOING TO THE _NARUTO_ WORLD! **

**Are you as excited as I am? :D**


	5. Incessant Humming and Public Nudity

**Now presenting...**

**CLARI AND JAYE IN THE _NARUTO_ WORLD! **

**I wonder what kind of mischief they'll get into here? It is a whole new world (no Aladdin puns intended) to explore. **

* * *

**Chapter Four: Incessant Humming and Public Nudity**

* * *

Clari found herself to be very disgruntled.

Not only had she been kidnapped particularly rudely by a person nearly as emotionless as Itachi, but that said person's teammates weren't at all what she'd thought they'd be.

First of all, Sai displayed a steady aura of indifference towards her. He treated her like she was luggage. Every time she said something, he'd disregard it completely. No, he'd _ignore _it completely and act as if she hadn't said anything at all. Besides that, he wasn't gentle with her frail, non-ninja body. Even now, sitting around a fire, Clari could feel the dull ache of the bruise blossoming on her stomach from where Sai had run away with her thrown over his shoulder.

If Sai's indifference wasn't bad enough, Clari and Sakura didn't get along whatsoever. Maybe they would have if the circumstances were better (Clari had to admit that she wouldn't be friendly to someone who assisted her greatest enemy either), but at this particular moment in time she and Sakura were as catty to each other as they could possibly be. In Clari's defense, Sakura had started the whole thing. She scoffed at everything Clari did, even though Clari did make an effort to be nice. After a while it got tiring, and she snapped back at Sakura without restraint. The pink-haired ninja had left her mark too; there was a solid purple band around Clari's arm that fit Sakura's hand print exactly.

Naruto and Kakashi were two different stories entirely. Naruto seemed to have no regard for the fact that Clari was hiding the Akatsuki, nor did he notice Sakura's glares, which were probably frosty enough to freeze hell over. Twice. In fact, the glares were so icy and frequent that Clari had taken to calling her Ice Queen. In her head, of course. Clari would never grant Sakura the pleasure of such a royal title as "queen."

Anyway, Naruto chatted with Clari just as if she was part of the team, which surprised her to an extent. She suspected that Naruto would resent her the most, considering his unstable emotions. But Naruto was labeled "Most Unpredictable Ninja" by everyone, so perhaps he didn't see her as sinister like Sakura seemed to, no matter who she protected.

By comparison, Kakashi was so absorbed in his book that he didn't bother with his teammate's problems. He probably thought they'd duke it out, eventually.

The five of them sat around a flickering fire after a long day of walking. They weren't near any towns to speak of, ergo no hotels or inns. So they were camping tonight. They would be in Konoha by tomorrow.

"You get to meet the Old Lady!" Naruto exclaimed with a smile. Clari did not mention that it wasn't exactly a celebratory occasion.

"Stop calling sensei 'Old Lady'!" Sakura snapped. "It's disrespectful to the Hokage!"

"Hokage?" Clari asked, feigning ignorance. The Akatsuki knew about their anime; but Team Kakashi didn't.

"Yeah, Hokage Tsunade," Naruto explained. "You'll like her, don't worry about it, dattebayo."

"I think she _should _worry about it," Sai pointed out. "The Hokage is determining whether she lives or dies."

"That's very cheerful. Thanks, Sai," Clari muttered sarcastically.

For once, Sai answered. "You're welcome."

"Oh...yeah, I guess you're right," Naruto said. Then, there was an awkward silence.

"Well," Sakura said. "I'm sure Tsunade-sensei will make the best decision."

Clari wasn't sure which choice Sakura wanted Tsunade to pick.

oOoOoOoOo

Lily was hyperventilating.

"Lily! Lily, please calm down," Konan begged.

"HOW CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? CLARI WAS JUST KIDNAPPED!" Lily screamed between wheezes and gasps. "AND JAYE WENT TO A DIFFERENT DIMENSION! HOW CAN YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN?"

"I'm sure that Pein will get Clari and Jaye back here by next week," Konan assured.

"NEXT WEEK?" Lily shrieked.

"Yes. It will take a while to track Clari down, and then they have to wait for Itachi to put up wards so this doesn't happen again," Zetsu explained.

"Well, I guess that's good news," Lily breathed. "At least this won't happen again."

"We definitely won't let this happen again," Konan promised. "You guys are part of the Akatsuki now."

"Great. It's nice to know that I'm in a gang from another world," Lily remarked, on the verge of tears.

"It's not as bad as it sounds," Konan said.

"Which part?"

"Both."

"Ugh!" Lily groaned, flopping down on the couch. "What about school?"

"You should know that Deidara burned the school down," Itachi said.

"WHAT?"

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye opened her eyes to a rock wall.

Oh. Well, that was charming.

"Finally!" Hidan yelled. "We're back!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jaye retorted. She looked around. The Akatsuki hide out wasn't all that different from an actual home. There was a common area, a few bathrooms, a kitchen, closets, and a bedroom for each of the Akatsuki members. That was about it. Even though the facility was small, it was homey. And not to mention, well-guarded.

"There's no time for arguing," Pein interjected before Hidan could reply. "We need to come up with a plan to get Clari back."

"What happened to my plan?" Jaye asked.

"It wasn't detailed enough, or discreet enough."

"I like her plan, un," Deidara said.

"We don't want something going wrong," Pein pointed out. "That would be dangerous for Clari and everybody else involved."

"So what's this miraculous new plan?" Jaye countered.

"First, I think we should wait until Clari gets to Konoha," Pein began.

"What? No!" Jaye said immediately. "There's no telling what could happen and, besides, Konoha will be heavily guarded!"

"But at least we'll know exactly where she is," Pein explained. "We won't let her stay for long. We'll leave tomorrow, in fact."

Jaye huffed, but didn't say anything. Pein continued.

"Once we get to Konoha, we'll need a distraction. Deidara, that's where you come in. She'll most likely be somewhere near interrogation or she'll be guarded by a ninja. I don't think they'll put her in jail, once they see that she's relatively harmless. They probably won't give her more than two guards either, since they won't be expecting us to attack Konoha. Deidara will fly over Konoha and cause a distraction with his bombs - "

"Art," Deidara corrected.

" - with his art, and then we'll have Hidan and Kakuzu search interrogation in the west side and Tobi and Kisame search all areas near the jail on the east. If anyone gets any information saying otherwise, tell me immediately. I'll cover that area with Jaye." Pein looked at all of them one-by-one, piercing them with his strange ringed eyes. "We need to be especially careful on this mission. Clari and Jaye and even Lily are all part of the team now. We need to treat them as such. We can't risk either of them being hurt or...worse."

There was a long stretch of silence after this. Then Kisame asked, "How are we getting her out of the city?"

"That's the tricky part. Deidara will have his hands full as the distraction, so we can't use his...art...as a way out. Whoever finds her first will have to evacuate her immediately and try to slip out of the city without being noticed. Then inform me so the rest of us can leave. The thing to remember is this: if you have Clari, _don't engage in battle_. It's too dangerous. The same goes with Jaye."

At this last part, Jaye scoffed. But she didn't say anything, because it was probably true. She had a feeling that the meeting was about over, and she really wasn't playing a big part in it anyway. Looking down at her body, grimy from recent events, she stated, "I'm getting a shower."

Pein nodded, clearly dismissing her. He let her borrow some clothes from Konan's collection, then helped her find a bathroom. She closed the door and sighed. _Why did Clari have to go and get herself kidnapped? I can't even enjoy my trip to the _Naruto_ world,_ she thought. But no matter how hard she laughed and joked at the situation, she couldn't completely erase the feeling of dread and worry that sat in the pit of her stomach.

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan sighed, stretching. "Bitch should be out of the shower by now."

No one replied.

"I'm going to go get one," Hidan continued as if someone cared. Again, his statement was greeted warmly with silence. He glowered at his fellow members, but said nothing further. He went upstairs to his room and undressed, wrapping a towel around his waist so he could walk across the hall to the bathroom. He didn't like bringing his clothes into the bathroom with him. They always turned out kind of damp afterwards, and it irritated him greatly.

The hide out was a big place, a lot bigger that Jaye had originally thought. So big, in fact, that Konan practically got her own wing since she was female. Because of this, none of the Akatsuki members (particularly Hidan) bothered with feminine things like knocking on doors. If you walked in on someone who was naked, oh well. It didn't matter. They all had the same parts. No one cared.

But girls have different parts. And if you're a boy and you accidentally see a girl naked, then it _does _matter, particularly if you haven't seen this girl naked before. Which is why Konan got her own wing and why Hidan _should_ have knocked on the bathroom door.

However, he didn't.

I think you can guess what happened next.

"_HIDAN_!" Jaye screamed shrilly after her shock dissolved. She'd forgotten to ask Leader for a towel, so she had no coverage. Therefore, she could do nothing but shove the numb perpetrator out the door and back into the hallway. But by then, Hidan had gotten a good eyeful and there was nothing poor Jaye could do about it. Except, of course, extract revenge.

So she grabbed the towel from around his waist and whipped it off his body, quickly shutting the bathroom door between them, leaving her in the bathroom and him in the hallway.

Nude.

Kisame, who had just happened to be walking by, whistled. He did, however, avert his eyes. "Dude, get a towel on. No one wants to see that."

Hidan, who was standing in the hallway like the idiot he was, scowled at the fish-man before rushing to get another towel. On the other side of the door, Jaye collapsed after wrapping the towel around her securely. She slouched against the wall and crossed her arms, scrunching her nose. She was blushing vividly, and not only because Hidan had just seen her naked.

For Hidan was not the only person who got an eyeful.

oOoOoOoOo

Lily found that she couldn't go to work. She was much too distressed.

Luckily, Mr. Mathews had been very lenient of late, so she was able to call in sick. But as she sat at home, doing nothing, she found that she was even more of a nervous wreck. She couldn't sit still, she couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep. So, Lily resorted to following the Akatsuki members around.

First she followed Konan around. But after a while this got tiring, because Konan did nothing but watch TV. They did attempt to make conversation, but they were both so worried that the talking died quickly.

Next she followed Zetsu. Even though he was a little more interesting, he kind of scared Lily and she had the feeling she was annoying him.

The only other option was Itachi, who also scared her a bit. But stalking him was a lot more interesting because he was putting up wards around the house. Lily followed him around as he circled the neighborhood.

"I really don't think you should be out here," he said.

"I'm bored and anxious," Lily sighed. "I don't have anything else to do."

Itachi did not reply. He kept walking.

It'd already been two days since the girls left. Lily was miserable.

"You shouldn't be so worried," Itachi suddenly said. "It's only a week here. Two or three days there. It won't be a problem."

"Wait, did you say it would only be two or three days there?" Lily asked. "What happened to the thingy with no time difference?"

"I couldn't use that thread because I was in such a rush," Itachi explained. "I had to use the one with the time difference."

"So it'll be a week here..."

"...but only two or three days there," Itachi finished. "That's correct."

Lily sighed. Her breath condensed in front of her face and formed a miniature cloud, which then proceeded to evaporate into the frigid November air. Halloween was yesterday. It was the first year that Lily hadn't passed out candy. With everything happening so fast, it'd completely slipped her mind. She suspected the girls had forgotten about it too.

"You make it sound like they know what they're doing," Lily muttered.

"Pein does," Itachi said. "At least, I _think_ so."

Lily blinked. "Itachi?"

"Yes?"

"I think you just cracked a joke."

It was Itachi's turn to blink. "No. I was simply stating that I believe Pein knows what he's doing compared to the other Akatsuki members. Though when it comes to Clari, his actions do seem to become a bit more reckless."

"Reckless how?"

"He worries about her," Itachi said. "More so than he should."

"Why?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

Lily thought for a minute. "Is it because Pein might be Clari's biological father?"

"Perhaps," Itachi replied, unfazed by the fact she'd come up with this conclusion.

"Jaye told me about it."

"I didn't ask."

"Your eyes did."

"Last time I checked, eyes can't ask questions," Itachi said.

"Then you need to check again," Lily sniffed.

Itachi just blinked for a third time.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari was silent as they walked the rest of the way to Konoha. She was nervous beyond belief. When she was nervous, she had a tendency to hum a song. It didn't matter which song it was, just as long as she was humming something.

After several hours of this incessant humming, Naruto and Sakura both turned around to snap at her simultaneously. Clari flinched at the unexpected ambush and apologized, clamping her mouth shut. She remembered how she had annoyed Zetsu with her humming one morning, when she had been making breakfast. He hadn't yelled at her.

The trees broke and they were suddenly standing in front of the gates of Konoha. The sight was so abrupt that Clari gave a start of surprise.

"We're here," Naruto announced with a grin.

"Way to state the obvious," Sakura said.

"Come on," Kakashi ushered. "We should probably get...uh..." He gave Clari a sideways glance, his brows furrowing.

Clari lifted an eyebrow. "You've been traveling with me for two days and you don't even know my name?"

"Nope."

"That's sad," she sighed. "It's Clari."

"Well, we need to get Clari to Tsunade as quickly as possible," Kakashi continued. He began walking towards the gates, followed by Naruto and Sai. Sakura made a point of planting her feet firmly on the ground, not moving an inch until Clari did. With a deep breath, Clari hesitantly walked through the gates of Konoha.

The city was much bigger that she'd thought it would be. There were people bustling around everywhere. Almost everybody seemed to know Naruto. Several people, most of which Clari recognized, came up to say hello. She saw Kurenai, Shikamaru, and Chouji on their way back from the hospital, followed by Kiba, Akamaru, Hinata, and Shino who were on their way to a mission. Ino waved when they passed the flower shop. Iruka stopped to ask if Naruto wanted to get ramen later. Lee and Gai also said hello. Needless to say, Clari was on the verge of having a spaz attack.

"Are you okay?" Sakura asked, giving Clari a puzzled expression.

Clari nodded slowly, closing her gaping mouth.

"Yo! Naruto!" Konohamaru yelled. He rushed across the street towards them, practically tripping over his scarf.

Naruto rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Okay, make it quick. I'm on a mission. Whatcha got for me this time, dattebayo?"

"Naruto, we don't have time for this," Kakashi said.

"It'll only take a sec," Konohamaru promised. Then, he clasped his hands together and said, "SAKURASEXYNOJUTSU!"

And then, there was a naked Sakura standing in the middle of the street.

"AAAAAARGH!" Sakura screeched as she grabbed her impostor and knocked her fist against the top of his/her head vigorously. Naked-Sakura quickly puffed back into Konohamaru.

"Ow! Ow, quit it!" he whined.

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR WOMEN?" Sakura shouted, releasing him.

"Do you want me to do the Sai-on-Sasuke jutsu again?"

"NO!" Sakura answered, grabbing Naruto's ear and Clari's arm and dragging them away, obviously expecting Sai and Kakashi to follow suit. "AND DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"

"What? This?" Konohamaru said with a sly grin. He repeated the "SAKURASEXYNOJUTSU!" and proceeded to run away.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE TWERP!"

oOoOoOoOo

By the time they got to Tsunade, Sakura was flushed with anger and Naruto had a black eye. Clari had a matching bruise on her other arm. She decided that she no longer thought Konohamaru was funny.

"...I see," Tsunade said after they finished telling her about Clari's capture. "You didn't get the other one?"

"No, there were too many protecting them," Kakashi said. "We were lucky to get her."

Clari said nothing.

"Very well," Tsunade said, nodding. "She'll do. You may go."

With a respectful bow, the four of them left. Naruto was the only one who looked back, worried. After the door closed, it was only Tsunade, Shizune, and Clari, alone in the office. Clari gulped and began humming, squirming under the intense gaze of the Hokage. Tsunade raised her eyebrows.

"What are you doing?"

"Humming calms me down."

"Well, stop it."

Clari did.

Tsunade sighed. "Look, we're not going to kill you. You seem like you're relatively defenseless, which I have to say surprises me. Normally the Akatsuki picks informants that they know are strong enough to keep their mouths shut. You...you're just a normal girl."

Clari bit her lip.

"But you're obviously worth something," Tsunade continued, analyzing Clari from her desk. "Or else they wouldn't go through such lengths to protect you. This kind of behavior is unusual for them. Why are you so important?"

Clari said nothing.

Tsunade stood. "If you just answer the questions, we won't have to take any serious measures. But if you don't, then I'll be forced to. I assure you that you won't like serious measures. You seem good enough, which leads me to believe that you were forced into this somehow. Are you too afraid to answer? They won't get you here."

"I'm not afraid of them," Clari said, scowling.

"So you're cooperating with them willingly?" Tsunade said.

"I haven't done anything wrong!" Clari snapped.

"You're shielding wanted criminals!"

"I had no way to know they were criminals!" Clari lied. "I'm from a different...I don't know! Dimension or something!"

"They _are_ criminals here," Tsunade said. "And right now, _you_ are here. Couldn't you tell they had sinister plans? Didn't they share anything with you?"

"They aren't bad people!" Clari cried.

"They've killed thousands!"

"They're my friends!"

This stopped Tsunade short. "Friends? Is that what you are to them?"

Clari shut her mouth, afraid that she'd said too much.

"Or is that what they are to you? Do you know how disposable they consider people to be? Especially weak people, like you. I don't know what they told you, but you can disregard all of it. I guarantee it's not true," Tsunade said.

At a loss of what to say, but still feeling the urge to do something, Clari stuck her tongue out at her.

Tsunade blinked. "Did you just...stick you tongue out at me?"

Seeing that this particular tactic annoyed the Hokage, Clari repeated her childish actions with flourish.

"You are just being ridiculous!" Tsunade huffed, clearly at her limit. She turned to Shizune. "Keep her with you for a while. Just until we can break her."

Shizune nodded.

"I'll also get someone to watch your house, just in case she can do something we don't know about," Tsunade said. "As an extra precaution. When you leave, bring Team Kakashi in here. I have another assignment for them."

Shizune nodded again and left the office. Clari followed her, glancing back at the Hokage nervously. Tsunade stared down at papers on her desk, rubbing her temples as if she was stressed. For a fleeting moment, Clari actually felt kind of bad for her.

oOoOoOoOo

Shizune lived in a simple, one-bedroom house with a small kitchen and living area. Even though it was rather tiny, Clari quickly decided that she liked it.

"Hmm...I guess you can sleep on the couch," Shizune decided. She wasn't entirely sure what to make of Clari. They didn't say much on the walk here, so Clari didn't know what to make of Shizune either.

"Okay," Clari agreed. While Shizune went down the hall to grab blankets and pillows, Clari idly wondered who else would be watching her. Just as the thought crossed her mind, there was a thump outside and a rapid knock at the door. Shizune emerged from the hall to answer it.

"Hello, Shizune-sama!" someone said exubrantly from the other side. "You are looking youthful today!"

Clari had a pretty good idea who it was.

Gai and Lee came inside the modest home, looking around with interest. Shizune seemed a bit worn out. She obviously hadn't been expecting Tsunade to send two such boisterous characters to her house.

"Is this the potential threat?" Gai said, studying Clari.

"Yes, I'm the potential threat," Clari sighed. "But I'm already going to tell you that I'm not a threat."

"You could be lying," Lee pointed out.

"I'm not lying."

"That could be a lie too."

Clari shook her head. "Whatever."

"We thought we'd come by and tell you we'd arrived," Gai said to Shizune. "We'll be outside if you need us."

"Okay," Shizune said, looking relieved that they weren't actually staying inside. After they left, she sighed and glanced at Clari. "So...what do you want for dinner?"

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan did not emerge from his bedroom after the catastrophe with Jaye. No one else knew for sure what had happened, but after Kisame's account they had a pretty good idea. And they were enjoying the theory more than they should. None of them were strangers to the fact that Hidan didn't knock on doors, and it wasn't an accident that they hadn't relayed this information to Jaye.

"You think this is _funny_?" she spat when they asked her about it. "I am scarred for life!"

"Aw, c'mon! It couldn't have been that bad," Kisame gasped.

"It was!"

"I have to say, it must have been a bit awkward," Pein sympathized. "Most couples kiss before they strip down, don't they?"

The others stared at Jaye, anticipating her reaction. She crossed her arms and looked away, pouting. The room was as silent as a graveyard, waiting for her to get defensive and deny everything. She did not.

"You've kissed?" Deidara suddenly accused. "Holy shit! When did that happen, un?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jaye said.

"Was there tongue?"

"EW! OF COURSE NOT!" Jaye roared, attempting to punch Deidara. He dodged it skillfully, with a grin.

"So you did! You can't deny it now, un!"

"It was an accident!" Jaye cried.

"Right, like the time Hidan 'accidentally' slipped on the wet grass and hugged you," Kakuzu said.

"He came to wake me up one morning and slipped on a baseball," Jaye explained, ignoring Kakuzu's sarcasm-filled comment.

"I always thought he liked sneaking into you're room a little too much," Kisame remarked.

"Shut the fuck up!" Jaye snapped. "You guys are blowing this way out of proportion! It was an accident, not intentional, not a big deal."

"Is Hidan-sama a good kisser, Jaye-chan?" Tobi asked, supposedly innocently.

Again, Jaye did not answer.

And again, the room as dead silent.

"You...didn't answer," Kakuzu said, stating the obvious.

"I'm aware."

"So that means..."

"It means nothing."

"It _means _she thinks he's a good kisser, un!" Deidara, once again, accused. This, of course, left the Akatsuki doubled over with guffaws and left Jaye with a scarlet blush up to her hairline. She gave them her deadliest scowl and raced down the hallway, to Konan's room. Unfortunately for Hidan, he'd decided it was safe to come out and ran into her as she darted down the hallway. Jaye retaliated freaking out and accidentally punching him in the nose when he grabbed her shoulders to calm her down. As he tried to stifle the bleeding, she called him a "pervert pedophile rapist bastard" (again) and slammed the door to Konan's room.

When Hidan stomped into the common area to get something to wipe the blood off his face, he was met by six pairs of curious eyes. Perplexed, as Hidan often was, he grabbed a rag and glanced at the six pairs of eyes who were still staring at him. He glared. "What the fuck?"

"So...a nosebleed, huh?" Kisame said.

"Yeah, Bitch punched me in da nose," Hidan explained, his speech slightly corrupted by the blockage of his nasal cavities.

"Oh...right, that's what it was," Kakuzu said.

Hidan gave them all another confused look. "What da fuck is your problem?"

Deidara coughed. "Trip over any baseballs recently, un?"

The Akatsuki cracked up again. Hidan was too shocked to even scowl, or yell. He blinked, utterly astounded. But then he got over it and gave them all a murderous glare. "SHUT DA FUCK UP, BASTARDS! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

He continued to cuss them out, his voice struggling to overpower the Akatsuki's booming laughter. As they continued to laugh, Hidan got more and more agitated. His face got red, then purple, then red again. Veins popped out on his forehead.

Suddenly, his voice cracked.

All the laughing stopped. This was something that had never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever _ever _occurred in the Akatsuki. E-V-E-R. But it's not what you think, or what the stunned Akatsuki members thought. As Hidan tried to start his rampage again, no sound came out of his windpipe. His eyes widened, and he grabbed his throat in horror.

Hidan, the great profane shouter of the Akatsuki, had lost his voice.

No matter how hard he tried, nothing but a raspy whisper came from his mouth. He was in full panic mode, muttering every obscenity known to mankind, but none of his words held their usual splendor. They were only effective when paired with the ear-drum-shattering level of screaming that Hidan had perfected.

"Man, today's just not your day," Kisame remarked.

Hidan could do nothing but scowl.

* * *

**So much going on in this chapter! AH, I'M LOSING MY MIND! -dies-**

**Now, I'm going to warn all of you Sasuke fangirls that you should probably not read any further in my story, because that duck-ass bastard is going to suffer a horrible fate very, very soon. Why?**

**Because. I. Hate. Him.**

******With a passion. Masashi Kishimoto must have been high when he first came up with that swine's character. That's the only theory I find suitable for his measly creation. That, or Orochimaru brainwashed Kishimoto into giving birth to his idea of a perfect little boy to play with. And we _all _know how messed up Orochimaru is. But, one good thing that comes out of Fanfiction is that I can do whatever the fuck I want with the _Naruto_ characters. And nobody can do a thing about it, because I've already posted my disclaimer. **

**He deserves to die! He's the worst friggin anime character known to mankind! He has slandered the name of Uchiha forever! He has disgraced the sharingan! He has the butt of water fowl (a duck, if you want to be all specific about it) for a hair style! **

**And worst of all, _he killed Deidara_!**

**So as far as I'm concerned, that whiny, ungrateful, dumb-ass punk can go fall off the side of Mount Everest and land in the pit of hell! Where he belongs! DIE, SAUCE GAY!**

**Well anyway, Sasuke fangirls should not read any further. ^^ **


	6. FUN Songs and Mexican Coordinates

**Chapter Five: F.U.N. Songs and Mexican Coordinates**

* * *

The next morning, Clari sat in Tsunade's office with her fingers jammed in her ears, singing the most annoying songs she could think of at the top of her lungs. She'd kept this up for more than twenty minutes, and Tsunade was obviously becoming frustrated. But the Hokage didn't want to try any jutsu on this foreigner, because she didn't know anything about her. This was an advantage on Clari's part, but Tsunade was quickly regretting her decision to stay jutsu-free.

"F IS FOR FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER, U IS FOR YOU AND ME!" Clari sang, horribly off-key.

Tsunade's eye twitched.

"N IS FOR ANYWHERE AND ANYTIME AT ALL!" Clari continued, her face becoming red with effort. "DOWN HERE IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA!"

"Are you done?" Tsunade asked calmly as Clari paused to catch her breath.

"TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR! HOW I WONDER WHICH YOU ARE!" Clari began again.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?" Tsunade screamed, pounding her fists on her desk so angrily that the wood split in two, littering the ground around Clari's feet with splinters and papers.

Clari trembled a bit at Tsunade's rage, but refused to surrender. "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"PERHAPS THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR FINGERS ARE STUCK IN YOUR EARS!" Tsunade said, matching Clari's obnoxious volume.

"YOU WANT ME TO KEEP SINGING? OKAY!" Clari said, sucking in another deep breath to continue the nursery rhyme.

Tsunade marched over until she was inches from Clari's face. "Unless you want me to rip your hands off, I suggest you remove them from your ears."

Clari heard this threat and figured she'd better not test the Hokage's limits. She removed her fingers from her ear cavities.

"Good. Now, maybe we can get somewhere," Tsunade sighed.

Just then, Shizune burst through the doors of the Hokage's office. "Tsunade! The Akatsuki are invading Konoha!"

Clari didn't bother to hide her grin as the Hokage spared her a look of utter exasperation and disbelief.

oOoOoOoOo

Deidara flew over Konoha, considering the architecture of the city. It was acceptable by artistic standards, but nothing spectacular. It wouldn't be a shame to give them a lesson or two on art.

_Focus_, he thought. _Don't get carried away. Clari needs to be alive. _

Yes, Clari definitely needed to be alive.

It was for this reason that he was only supposed to bomb the outskirts of the city, but nowhere that Clari might be hidden. He could already see the crowds of people pointing at his beautiful creation, his pride and joy. At least these people appreciated art. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to put a little extra bang in -

No! No extra bang. This needed to be clean. If Clari, and the rest of the Akatsuki for that matter, were going to get out of this alive, then there needed to be as little damage as possible. Mainly it was going to be a bunch of smoke and some flame. No big deal. A bit of a disappointment, if you asked him.

But of course, no one was asking him.

He took a deep breath to steady the rush of adrenaline that shot through his veins. _Okay, no bombs. Just some fireworks. Think of Clari. Clari, Clari, Clari._

Carefully monitoring the amount of explosive, Deidara dropped the first bomb.

oOoOoOoOo

"Finally!" Hidan said when he heard the first bomb go off. "I thought we'd be standing here forever. C'mon, Kakuzu!"

"What was that, Hidan?" Kakuzu said. "I couldn't hear you."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"What?"

"I said shut the fu - ack!" Hidan coughed as his throat closed and he was thrown into a coughing fit. Whenever he tried to yell, he found that he couldn't speak. A fact that amused Jaye to a great extent.

Kakuzu chuckled sadistically. "This is karma."

"C'mon," Hidan grumbled, taking off at a rapid pace. He just wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible.

They leaped over the gates and darted through the city streets, dodging the screaming citizens as flame engulfed several buildings. A shadow circled overhead, cast by Deidara's art. Clay birds swerved between buildings, exploding at random. Spiders clung to people's clothes, spontaneously combusting and leaving the people batting tongues of fire off their skin. It was a beautiful kind of chaos; horrible, no doubt, but beautiful.

They tried to avoid Konoha ninjas, because Leader said to get out of there as quickly as possible if they couldn't find Clari. Hidan realized that he hadn't sacrificed anybody to Jashin in a while, so perhaps he would take someone hostage and bring them back to the hide out for later.

They looked everywhere they could think of in the west part of town, but they didn't see Clari. They even dared to ask some panicking people who were too busy running away to notice the pattern on their cloaks. But no one had noticed a teenage girl with orange, brown, and black hair.

"Bitch," Hidan muttered, "Making us search all over Konoha for her. Dammit!"

"Let's go check over there," Kakuzu said, pointing down a long, narrow street. "Someone said that they might have seen her."

Hidan, complaining under his breath, followed Kakuzu down the street. After that they searched another street, then another. They combed through the whole west side of the city for Clari, but she was nowhere to be seen.

"I don't think she's here," Kakuzu finally admitted. "We should go back before we're noticed. Deidara should be running low on clay by now."

Hidan eagerly agreed. Someone else had probably already found her anyway. As they were running through the gates, Hidan noticed a red-headed female with dorky glasses and an unattractive expression. She also had slutty clothes, so he assumed she was a prostitute. She was standing, alone, on the outskirts of the city._ No one will miss that bitch_, Hidan thought.

"Kakuzu!" Hidan called, hacking when his voice failed him once again. Kakuzu gave him a questioning glance. Hidan explained his situation, and with a sigh and an exaggerated roll of the eyes Kakuzu let him get the girl. As he was slyly sneaking towards her, however, she glanced at him and scowled. Then, seeing the pattern of his cloak, her eyes widened and she turned to face him.

"Get away from me, Akatsuki!" she shouted, pointing at him.

She didn't get to say another word, because Kakuzu had already knocked her out.

"What the fuck? Where's the fun in - ack!" Hidan attempted to yell.

"The mission was to get out of here as quickly as possible," Kakuzu said, retracting his hand and throwing the red-head over his shoulder. "Now let's go back. You can sacrifice her when we get to the hide out."

oOoOoOoOo

Kisame and Tobi were having similar problems on the east side of the city. They searched for Clari everywhere they could possibly think of, but she was nowhere to be found. No one had seen her. She was like a ghost.

"How hard can it be to find a girl with such a colorful description?" Kisame cried, just as Sakura had.

"Apparently very hard, Kisame-san," Tobi wheezed. They'd been searching for quite a while and they'd gotten into more than one scrimmage with a couple gennin. Luckily no one of a higher rank had discovered them. "Should we just give up?"

"I can't think of anywhere else to look," Kisame sighed. "But Pein will be mad if nobody finds her."

"Yes, so will Deidara-senpai," Tobi agreed.

"I bet Kakuzu and Hidan have given up already," Kisame predicted.

"Tobi agrees."

They thought it over silently.

"We should go back," Kisame finally said. "There's nowhere else to look."

Tobi nodded vigorously. "Deidara-senpai has stopped dropping bombs anyway. He must be out."

"Huh. Yeah, I guess you're right. Come on."

oOoOoOoOo

"Nobody found her!" Jaye screeched when Tobi and Kisame came back empty handed, like Kakuzu and Hidan before them. Pein was looking just as irritated. In fact, there was an evil aura surrounding him as he leaned silently against a tree, glaring at them all murderously. It was much more frightening than Jaye's screaming.

"We looked everywhere," Kisame explained, holding up his hands defensively. "There was no where else _to_ look."

"Evidently, there was! Because you didn't find her!"

"Is it possible that they evacuated her?" Kakuzu asked, shifting Hidan's red-head on his shoulder.

"Who is that?" Jaye asked suddenly.

"Huh? Oh, this is just some bitch Hidan wants to sacrifice," Kakuzu explained, setting the girl down.

"That's Karin!" Jaye said.

"Who?" Everyone said in unison.

"Karin. She's a whore that follows Sasuke around. The have this group called the Hebi or something like that. Anyway, it's her, Sasuke, a guy named Juugo and a guy name Suigetsu," Jaye said.

"If Sasuke's here, do you think that Clari might have been taken by him?" Kisame asked Pein.

"It's a possibility," Pein said. "The same person who told Konoha about the girls' whereabouts also might have told Sasuke. It's definitely no coincidence that he's here. We should investigate."

"What about her?" Kakuzu asked, nudging Karin with his foot.

Pein did nothing but shrug.

oOoOoOoOo

As it turned out, Clari had not been taken by Sasuke.

She'd been taken by Juugo.

And she was very disgruntled about it. Why the hell was this happening to her? She'd already been kidnapped once! She didn't want to be kidnapped again! Especially not by that duck-ass bastard! As far as Clari was concerned, Sasuke didn't _deserve _to kidnap her. Both she and Jaye agreed that he was an annoying emo brat, but Clari probably hated him the most. And she was not afraid to show it, even in the face of death.

"Put. Me. Down!" she commanded Juugo. "I know where you're taking me, and I refuse to go! I'll kill that Uchiha dumbass as soon as I see him!"

"I don't think that's possible," Juugo said, not obliging to her requests. He had her slung over her shoulder, which made the bruise on her stomach ache considerably. Juugo was pacing, and he didn't put her down for fear she'd try to run away. He was waiting for his partner, Karin, who was supposed to show up quite a while ago. Clari hoped something horrible happened to the red-headed bitch, whom she hated almost as much as Sasuke.

Another good ten minutes of pacing passed. Finally, Juugo groaned. "I'm going to have to go without her."

"Good. I hate her too," Clari sniffed. Juugo did not reply to this. He stopped pacing and began running. _Probably right to Sasuke_, Clari thought regrettably. She would much rather be a hostage in Konoha than a hostage with the Hebi.

Idly, she wondered what Jaye was doing. She better not have been in Konoha when all the bombs went off. No, Pein wouldn't have let that happen. Jaye was probably here, in the _Naruto_ world, though. She wouldn't have let that opportunity go by. Clari hoped they found her soon, so she could just go home. Truthfully, she was sick of the _Naruto_ world.

Juugo stopped running when they got to a clearing in the forest. He finally set Clari down, telling her not to go anywhere. Clari didn't think she could even if she wanted to. The bruise on her abdomen was giant, at least the size of a football. It hurt. She attempted massaging it, but Juugo looked at her weird so she stopped. That, and it hurt to move her arms, which also had bruises.

Juugo didn't talk. He paced a lot, but he didn't say much. After 907 seconds of this, he froze. In the cessation of his pacing, Clari could see that he was staring at a break in the trees. She squinted at the emerald canopy, but she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

Then, suddenly, Sasuke was standing in the middle of the clearing.

oOoOoOoOo

Another two days had passed in Lily-land.

"WHEN ARE THEY COMING HOME?" Lily cried, shaking Itachi by the shoulders.

"I don't know," Itachi said, somehow maintaining his calm. Though his face was the slightest bit surprised. Lily's outburst had been completely random and unexpected.

"Probably in the next couple days," Konan assured her.

"_Probably_?"

"Yes, probably. We have no way to know for sure."

"But - but...they're in the world of ninjas! What if something happens to them?" Lily moped.

"There, there," Konan said, awkwardly patting Lily's back. Bear, seemingly aware of his owner's misery, came to lay at her feet.

Itachi sneezed.

At least that made her laugh a little bit.

oOoOoOoOo

It was silent at the Akatsuki hide out. Everyone sat in a circle, waiting for Pein's plan. They'd been waiting for quite a while. The leader was still thinking it through. He had no way of tracking Sasuke or Clari, therefore no way of finding her. Even if they did somehow manage to find her, they would still have to battle three specially trained and genetically modified ninjas without hurting Clari. And on top of that, the girl named Karin refused to say anything. After a very long, frustrating conversation, Pein finally allowed Hidan to sacrifice her. He came back down to silence about an hour ago.

As suddenly as her mother had burst out in the real world, Jaye exclaimed, "OF COURSE!"

It caused everybody to jump.

"What 'of course'?" Deidara asked when they'd all recovered.

"Clari as her iPod, right?" Jaye said excitedly.

"I believe so...unless Deidara broke it again," Pein added, referring to the second camping trip the Akatsuki took with the girls that got cut short by a thunderstorm. The blonde artist had smashed Clari's iPod when they got home so she would have no choice but to let him sleep in her room so she wouldn't get scared by the thunder.

Deidara, recalling this incident, simply shook his head.

"It has a tracking device!" Jaye said.

There was total silence.

"...You couldn't have told us that BEFORE?" Kakuzu hissed.

"Sorry. It slipped my mind."

"How the fuck does that 'slip your mind'?" Hidan accused.

"Do I look like a brain surgeon to you? How the fuck should I know?" Jaye retaliated. "The point is that we can track Clari, someone can go get her, we can go home, and then everything's good again! Right?"

"We'll have to wait for a message from Itachi saying that the wards are up, but besides that minor detail your plan does make sense," Pein agreed. "How do you access this tracking device?"

Jaye swore. "You need Internet. Sorry."

"Do you think Lily would be able to access it from her computer?" Pein considered.

"I don't know...we've never tried it out in a different dimension," Jaye said sarcastically.

"It's worth a shot," Pein said, scowling. "I can call them."

"Do it!"

oOoOoOoOo

Konan was sitting on the couch when the phone rang. She jumped, along with Zetsu. Then she frantically tried to find the phone, glancing at the caller-ID before she answered it. Akatsuki, it read.

"H-hello...?"

"Ko - " Pein began, but then there was static.

"Konan!" Jaye's voice boomed from phone, causing Konan to lengthen the distance between her ear and the plastic communication device. Jaye, of course, couldn't have noticed this from the other side and kept talking. "Where's Mom?"

"Lily? She's on a walk with Itachi..."

Silence was heavy on the other end. "What the fuck is she doing with Itachi?"

"I-I don't know, they go on walks a lot...what are you doing, calling here?"

"Oh! We need something from the computer to help us track down Clari - "

"You still haven't found Clari?" Konan interrupted.

"We're working on it," Jaye assured. "Anyway, we need the computer. So when Lily gets home tell her that we need her to call us."

The front door suddenly opened, revealing Lily and Itachi. Konan alerted Jaye that they were home, and quickly handed the unfamiliar device to Lily. Jaye hurriedly explained the situation to her mother and told her to get a computer. After going through all the steps of the procedure, Lily was finally able to track Clari's exact coordinates.

"Uh...Jaye?"

"What?"

"It says she's in Mexico."

"Huh, I guess it didn't..." Jaye was engaged in conversation with someone on the other end. "Oh, okay. Mom, just read off the coordinates."

Lily read off the coordinates to Jaye and wished her well, asking several embarrassing motherly questions in between. "Are you getting enough to eat? You're staying out of trouble, right? Has Hidan done anything offensive? Do you need me to flick him in the ear?"

Jaye made a hasty retreat after the last few questions, which made Lily more than a little suspicious.

"Uh, gotta go, Mom!"

"Wait, Jaye, what did - ?"

"Love you!"

"Jaye - "

"Bye bye!"

_Click!_

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye stuck the piece of paper in Pein's face. "Clari is in Mexico!"

"Fantastic," Pein said. He took the paper from her and went over to a map of...was that the world? The _Naruto_ world, labeling all the countries. He traced his finger until he found the place he was looking for. "There, she's in a forest outside Konoha," he said, pointing on the map. "My theory was that the coordinates from your world would transfer to this one, and I was right."

"Well, now that you've explained your super amazing technique," Jaye said, possibly insulting every ninja that's ever engaged in battle because, after every great move, they give a lesson on their amazing skills. It amused Clari and Jaye very much. "We can actually go get my cousin!"

"You are not coming," Pein said, pointing at Jaye. "It's too dangerous."

"Let me go, un!" Deidara volunteered.

"There's no way in hell that he's going! He'll go all insane about his art and blow Clari up!" Jaye accused.

"I would never do that," Deidara said, insulted. "I promise, un."

Pein pondered it for a moment. "Very well. You can go. But your only assignment is to get Clari out of there. Don't fight if you can avoid it."

"Yes!" Deidara cheered, racing to his room to go get clay before Pein changed his mind. Pein sighed. Under normal circumstances he wouldn't send Deidara on a mission like this; that is to say, one that required stealth. Normally he would send Itachi or Konan or Zetsu. But all three of them were gone.

And besides, Deidara was most likely to get this particular job done anyway.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari found that repeating your tactics of defense was not a bad thing. She sat on a rock in the clearing, her fingers in her ears, singing at the top of her lungs. However, it wasn't the "F.U.N. Song" that she was singing. It was one of her own creation.

"OH, SASUKE, YOU DUCK-ASS BASTARD!" she sang, causing Suigetsu to erupt into another fit of hysterical laughter. "IF I DIDN'T HATE YOU SO MUCH, I WOULD FEEL BAD FOR YOU! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT OROCHIMARU'S TONGUE WENT UP YOUR - "

Sasuke finally had enough and removed her fingers from her ears.

She stuck her tongue out at him. "Look familiar?"

"Tsk!" Sasuke sneered, releasing her hands and walking away.

Suigetsu shook his head. "You know, you're head does kind of look like a duck's - "

"Shut up!" Sasuke roared. "Where's Karin?"

"She didn't show up at the meeting place," Juugo said.

"Wow, you just now noticed she was gone? Someone needs to take counting lessons again," Clari teased ruthlessly. She'd been awaiting this day for five years, and now she was finally extracting revenge on Sasuke.

Unfortunately, he ignored her. "Tsk!"

"You know, you say 'Tsk!' a lot," Clari observed. "It's kind of annoying, and only adds to your emo-ness. It's people like you who give teenagers their angst reputation."

"Would you shut up?" Sasuke snapped.

"That's not a nice word," Clari said. "Your name sounds kind of weird too. Like 'Sauce' and 'Gay' put together. Sauce gay!"

Sasuke glared at her.

"What? Are you having insecurities about Sakura finally leaving you for Naruto?" Clari said epically.

Sasuke pierced her with his hateful eyes. "How do you know about that?"

"Itachi told me," Clari said sadistically.

"Tell me where Itachi is!" Sasuke demanded for the twentieth time.

"I _could _tell you, but unfortunately I have no idea. I was kidnapped, remember?" Clari said. Even if she did know where Itachi was, she would never tell Sasuke of all people. It seemed irrelevant to point this out, however, considering that her position about Sasuke was clearly defined.

"The Akatsuki attacked Konoha looking for you," Sasuke said. "You must have some information."

"Nope," Clari said with emphasis.

"Then I guess I can kill you," he sighed.

Clari snorted. "I'd like to see you try."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"If you kill me, then you won't ever know Itachi's secret," Clari said slyly.

"Tell me or I'll make you tell me!" Sasuke said.

Clari shook her head. "I won't. Not until you promise to let me go afterwards."

"Fine. I promise."

"That was convincing," Clari said sarcastically.

"I guess I'm just going to have to make you tell me," Sasuke stated, his hands forming a seal.

"I wouldn't do that," Clari warned, quickly thinking up a lie. "Jutsus don't work on me, and they bounce back. That's why the Akatsuki keep me."

"Tsk!" Sasuke repeated. "We'll just see about that."

It was then that the first bomb went off. It exploded right beside Sasuke. So close, in fact, that Clari had to duck behind her rock. But the frantic panic was fleeting. It was replaced with relief. Finally! They found her!

A great shadow blocked the moonlight streaming down on the grass, and powerful gusts of wind beat down on their backs. Deidara's bird quickly swooped down to the ground, revealing the blonde artist on it's back. "Clari! Get on!"

Clari obeyed, racing over to the bird while Sasuke recovered from the attack. But Clari was no ninja, and he got there before her. Deidara jerked backward to avoid being hit by the flame, and Clari dove to the ground as it unfurled above her. She could the heat of the fire that was separating them on her back, and the wind from Deiara's art.

"You're not getting away that easy!" Sasuke called. "Suigetsu, get her out of here!"

A wall of flame separated the three of them from Suigetsu and Juugo. Another bomb went off near Sasuke, which he easily dodged. Unfortunately for him, there was another bomb where he was standing. In the time it took him to register this and dodge that one too, Deidara had swooped down again and was pulling Clari aboard the massive bird.

"Hold on, un," Deidara cautioned, rising back up into the air with a sickening lurch. Clari struggled to remain standing and quickly wrapped her arms around him, though she felt awkward as she did so. The feeling evaporated as soon as he swerved to the side. Then her only concern was not falling off the bird.

Sasuke was not ready to let them leave. He made hand seals and performed the fireball jutsu again, which Deidara narrowly escaped. He created a small bird and let it fly away, but Sasuke noticed it and dodged it with ease. He quickly made more seals and blew a blossom of flame at them. Deidara's bird spiraled and barely avoided the fire. Clari could see that the wing was starting to crack.

"Deidara, make a bomb. I have a way to make him stand still," Clari said.

"How?"

"You'll see. Just do it."

Deidara did, dipping his hands back into the pouches around his waist and producing two small birds from his hand-mouths. They flew down to Sasuke. Just as he was getting ready to dodge them, Clari took a deep breath and shouted the two words that she knew would make him freeze.

"BROTHERLY INCEST!"

Just as she had planned, Sasuke stopped and considered this topic with confusion. Before he recovered, Deidara clasped his hands into a seal and yelled, "Katsu!" The birds, which had landed on Sasuke's shoulders, exploded with a grand bang.

And Uchiha Sasuke finally got what he deserved: death.

* * *

**And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the battle between Sasuke and Deidara _should_ have gone. **

**Of course it didn't go that way, because that probably would have sent Sakura into a psych ward and Naruto into a killing frenzy. Which, in turn, would have eliminated all the protagonists and therefore ended the series. **

**Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?**


	7. Sushi Suggestions and Blue Speedos

**Chapter Six: Sushi Suggestions and Electric Blue Speedos**

* * *

Juugo and Suigetsu heard the explosion, and when the wall of flame evaporated they saw the large crater that was once the ground Sasuke inhabited. As for Sasuke, there wasn't even a hair left of him. They stood there, staring at the blackened ground, watching Deidara's bird fly away into the starry sky until it disappeared.

Suigetsu was the first to speak. "What do we do now?"

Juugo shrugged. They hadn't known Sasuke for that long, but Kimimaru died to protect him. He was more than a little disappointed that Sasuke had lost in a battle just because Clari had screamed "brotherly incest." It seemed a disgrace to Kimimaru.

"...Wanna go get something to eat?" Suigetsu suggested after a prolonged pause.

"Sure," Juugo said, following him out of the clearing. "Can we get sushi?"

oOoOoOoOo

Deidara let out a woot into the night wind. "Yeah! I killed Sasuke, un!"

"_We _killed Sasuke, you mean," Clari said from behind him. Her eyes scanned the area around her. The view from the sky was amazing. Long stretches of forest extended for miles to the indigo horizon, dimpled with cities and lakes. Behind them, Konoha was just a smudge in the landscape. Clari scowled. "Did you seriously blow up Konoha?"

"Only in order to find you, un," Deidara defended. "Don't worry, it was only a couple fireworks. They'll recover soon enough."

Clari shook her head and sighed. "Well, the view is nice from up here."

"You wanna see something really cool, un?" Deidara asked.

"Sure. As long as I'm not endangering myself in the process," Clari said.

Deidara chuckled before he moved aside and urged her forward. Clari blinked, astounded that the view was even more incredible. She could see everthing and feel the wind blow around her without Deidara in the way. For a moment, it almost felt like she was flying and not the bird.

That is, until Deidara suddenly made the bird drop ten feet to the ground.

Clari screamed and grabbed Deidara to keep herself from slipping off the rounded back of the sculpture. He rumbled with laughter. She looked up and glared at him. "That's not funny!"

"I think so," Deidara said, patting her head.

She redoubled her death glare potency. "Don't do that!"

"What? This - " he said, dropping the bird again. Then he proceeded to pat her head. " - or that?"

"Both!" Clari squeaked from the folds of his robe.

"Well, your not exactly discouraging me, un," Deidara remarked.

"Shut up!" Clari said, immediately letting go of him. She simultaneously slipped a little bit off the bird, but Deidara caught her before she could fall off completely. Clari sucked in a breath when his arm grasped her waist in his attempt to pull her back up.

"You okay, un?" he asked.

"Yeah, just a little bruised up," she said, showing him the bruises on her arms and explaining that she also had one on her stomach. As soon as she was done talking, he grabbed the edge of her shirt and pulled it up so he could see the bruise. He bent down to inspect it.

"Ouch, un. Looks painful."

Clari blushed vividly. "Y-yeah, kinda..."

He poked the purple area, causing a spasm of throbbing pain to ripple through her abdomen. She jerked away with a sharp "Ow!" and wrested her shirt back from Deidara's hand, letting it cover her stomach again. "Don't poke it!"

"Why, un?"

"Because it's a bruise! It hurts!"

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Sorry, un. I'm sure Kakuzu will have something to make it better."

"What happened to Zetsu?" Clari inquired, since Zetsu was the primary physician of the Akatsuki.

"He stayed back with Lily and Konan and Itachi," Deidara explained. "It's a long story; Pein'll tell you when we get to the hide out. More importantly, what happened to you, un?"

"I'll tell you when we get back to the hide out," Clari sighed, boldly resting her head on Deidara's chest and closing her eyes. It occurred to her that she really hadn't gotten a lot of sleep these past two days, not even at Shizune's house because Gai and Lee kept making noise outside. Already she could feel fatigue draining the adrenaline from her body. "So that way I don't have to tell the story twice."

"Okay," Deidara agreed. After another moment he said, "It's good to have you back, un."

Clari sighed contently. "It's good to be back."

oOoOoOoOo

Pein had to admit, he was surprised to see Deidara back so soon. In fact, though he would never actually say this, he was a little bit surprised to see Deidara back at all. Sasuke was a fierce opponent, and he had two other ninjas on his side.

However, only after an hour or two, Deidara landed his bird and carried Clari inside. At first Pein thought she was injured, and felt fear shoot through his veins. But when Deidara came closer, Pein saw that she was only sleeping.

"She fell asleep on the way back, un," Deidara explained. "Standing up. She must have been pretty tired."

"Should we let her sleep until tomorrow?" Pein asked.

Unfortunately, Clari didn't get this option. Jaye came bounding down the hall, screaming like a maniac. "CLAAAAARIII!" she shrieked, bolting past Pein and leaping right into Clari and Deidara. The three of them tumbled to the ground, forming a small pile of tangled limbs in the center of the floor. Clari, who was sandwiched between Jaye and Deidara, wore a confused expression. Deidara's face was equally bewildered, for he was not expecting Jaye to run into him too.

Jaye smothered her cousin in a hug, not bothering to stand in order to do so. "Clari! I missed you so much!"

"I-I..." Clari stammered, still gathering her surroundings.

Deidara interrupted her. "Get off me, un! I'm suffocating!"

"You're such a baby," Jaye scoffed, pulling Clari to her feet and leaving Deidara sprawled on the floor. She once again pulled Clari into a hug and squealed. "I'm so glad you're back!"

"Me too," Clari gasped. "But I need air."

Jaye let go and began pestering her cousin with questions.

"I'll tell you when everyone else gets in here," Clari said, grinning at Kisame and Kakuzu in the door way. A blur of orange and black shoved them aside and shot across the room, bolting into Clari and trapping her in yet another bear hug.

"TOBI WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT CLARI-CHAN!" Tobi squeaked, crushing the breath out of Clari's lungs and spinning around in circles. Over Tobi's whimpering she heard Hidan exclaim, "Finally, you're back! Maybe Bitch won't be such a pain now!"

"What was that, bastard?"

"You heard me, bitch!"

Hidan and Jaye launched into a well awaited argument, for they hadn't really bickered since Clari went missing. Hidan had attempted arguments, most of which were viciously severed by Jaye stomping away or growling ferociously at him to shut the fuck up. There had been something in her tone of voice that encouraged Hidan to do so.

"Enough," Pein said, putting a stop to their feiry debate before it spiraled out of control. "Let's sit down so we can talk."

"Good idea," Clari agreed, still tired after her long week.

"It is, but I have a question," Deidara said.

"What?"

"Can someone help me off the floor, un?"

After they peeled Deidara off the floor (the pressure of his, Clari's, and Jaye's bodies on top of the clay had softened it and stuck him to the ground) they sat and told their stories. Pein went first, but was constantly interrupted by Jaye until she was finishing up the story. Clari was shocked to learn that they'd have to stay for a couple more days, until Itachi finalized his security precautions in her world. She was also a bit touched to discover that they'd searched so hard for her, though she didn't voice this out loud.

When it was Clari's turn, they all listened intently to what she had to say. Pein, in particular, squeezed every detail possible out of her. She suspected he was using her to gather more information about Konoha, and she did not like it. But, if she had to choose between the Akatsuki or Konoha, she'd have to pick the Akatsuki. Deidara took over the story after Clari got to the part where he showed up. Jaye was exuberant that Sasuke was dead, but everyone else was surprised. That was, until Deidara revealed the means in order to defeat Sasuke. Then they all burst into laughter.

"I wonder what Itachi will say..." Jaye pondered absentmindedly.

"He doesn't seem to care about Sasuke too much," Kisame dismissed. "I'm sure he'll be alright. Hell, he might be pleased. That brat was always chasing after us, trying to get revenge or something. I don't know why Itachi didn't just kill him."

Clari and Jaye glanced at each other. _Would _Itachi care that Sasuke was dead?

Well, there was only one way to find out.

oOoOoOoOo

It was several days before the Akatsuki called again. Lily didn't want to call them, fearing that she would interrupt something drastically important and alter the fate of her girls, though Konan assured her that this was not probable.

Lily was getting ready to head out the door for work when the phone rang. She scrambled to answer it, gasping into the mouthpiece when she finally reached it.

"He...hel..."

"Mom? Mom, are you okay?" Jaye's voice cried in panic from the other end.

"Yes, I'm fine," Lily said eventually. "I just had to run to get to the phone. I was getting ready to go out the door."

"Oh, okay. Well, I just called to tell you that we found Clari and everything so - "

"YOU FOUND HER?" Lily exclaimed. "PUT HER ON THE PHONE!"

"...Ow. Lily, you're on speaker and you just ruptured everyone's eardrums," Clari said.

"CLARI!" Lily cried, wishing that she could hug over the phone. Instead, she pelted her niece with questions, much like her daughter's second instinct was to do. "Are you okay? When did you get back? Why did it take so long for you to call? Do you know how worried I've been? Did anybody hurt you? Is Jaye okay? Has Hidan been bothering her? She seems weird lately. Speaking of which, has Deidara been bothering you? Oh, who am I kidding, they both bother you girls all the time! I'm just so happy you're safe! You are safe right?"

"Yes, Lily, we're fine," Clari assured.

"When do you think you'll be back?" Lily asked excitedly. The first week in November had already flew by, and she didn't want the girls to miss Thanksgiving as well as Halloween.

"Whenever Itachi gives us the okay, I guess," Jaye answered.

"I will be done with the wards within a week's time," Itachi said. "I'll call you when they are done."

"Good. And, um, Itachi...there's something we need to talk about..."

"Okay."

"Well...you see...Sasuke had already kidnapped Clari from Konoha by the time we went looking for her, so we had to rescue her and...well, in the process..."

"Deidara and I killed your brother, Itachi."

There was absolute silence on both ends of the phone. Lily blinked, glancing over at Itachi. She hadn't even known he had a brother, much less one who was capable of kidnapping a young girl. It didn't quite occur to her yet that Clari just admitted to murder, but she would get to that eventually. If her parental sanity would be able to handle it, that is.

Itachi stared at the phone. He cleared his throat. "How did he die?"

There was an uncomfortable silence on the other end of the phone. "Um...it was a...interesting battle, Itachi. He, uh...he..." Clari paused. "You know what, I don't know a lot about the ninja stuff. Why don't you tell him, Deidara?"

"Wha - um, he, uh...he was distracted and I...well, I blew him up. It was the only way to get away safely and...it was a quick death. Painless. Beautiful, un. A great work of - " it was at that moment that someone must have elbowed Deidara in the gut, because he stopped talking. Lily almost sighed at their poor comforting skills. She glanced over to see how Itachi was handling it (this Sasuke person _was_ his brother, after all; no matter how emotionless Itachi seemed to be, it must have mattered to him somehow) but he had already fled the room.

oOoOoOoOo

After a conversation with Lily, Clari and Jaye said their goodbyes and hung up the phone, promising to call her tomorrow.

"Why did you drag me into it, un?" Deidara cried, after they were done talking.

"I wasn't going to be the one to tell him that we beat Sasuke by confusing him with the topic of incest," Clari said.

"I don't see why he should be upset at all," Jaye said. "You two did him a favor, if you ask me. Sasuke was just a pain in the ass. An angsty one, to boot."

Silence was restored.

Kakuzu suddenly snapped his fingers, making everybody jump. "Hidan and Jaye, aren't you forgetting something?"

The pair glanced at each other, wracking their brains for something that might have slipped their minds. After much evaluating, they both shook their heads. Kakuzu smiled slyly and told a story about a certain blue-haired ninja's outfit, which resulted in a certain argument on the way to school, and furthermore resulted in a bet made by Jaye and Hidan.

"We'll all judge," Kakuzu grinned after his story was over and his luminescent green eyes were twinkling from above his mask at the prospect of embarrassing the poor pair. "Who would make the best prostitute?"

oOoOoOoOo

When Lily came home from work, Itachi was walking around the room drawing strange shapes along the walls with what looked like a piece of chalk. Konan and Zetsu sat on the couch and watched in interest, following the Uchiha's every move with their eyes.

"What is he doing?" Lily asked them, plopping down beside Konan and taking off her heels. Bear joined her.

"We don't know, but I have a feeling we're getting ready to find out," Konan whispered back. Itachi had stopped walking and was checking the marks made on the walls. Absently, Lily wondered what it would take to clean the marks off.

She didn't have to worry about this for long. Itachi made several quick seals with his hands and said words too fast for her to comprehend. After he was finished, the shapes on the walls glowed brilliantly and just as quickly faded out of existence. Itachi blinked.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," he said.

"What do you mean...?" Lily said hesitantly.

"It wasn't supposed to do that."

"What do you mean it wasn't supposed to do that? What did you do?"

"It was supposed the be a ward on the house. It doesn't feel like it worked though," Itachi explained.

"Then what did it do?" Lily shrieked.

"I don't know."

"You don't know? It must have done something! The shape thingies did something! What did you do?"

"If I may, I believe your friend Itachi here granted me the ability to communicate with you in a language you understand," said a voice coming from Lily's feet. Lily slowly turned her head to look at Bear, who was staring at her with intelligent brown eyes. The dog opened his mouth once more. "That just an hypothesis, seeing as I can actually speak English now."

Lily's face went red, then purple, then blue, then white, a series of colors that couldn't have been healthy for her at all. She shot an accusing glare at Itachi, who was also staring at the dog in a face as close to shock as he got. "_What did you do_?"

"I thought I just explained that," Bear said in exasperation.

"MY DOG IS TALKING TO ME!" Lily screeched, gesturing to said dog. "_TALKING_! DOGS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK!"

"I...I don't have anything to say," Itachi replied honestly.

Bear stood and shook out his fur. "Would you mind getting me a flea collar? I think I might have one or two on me."

"I-it's okay, Lily," Konan reassured. "We'll find a way to get Bear back to normal. Right, Itachi?"

"I suppose so," Itachi agreed.

"No! I like being able to talk human!" Bear cried. "I can still act like a dog when people are around! Please let me keep my voice!"

"I don't know...we'll wait until Jaye gets home. You are her dog, after all," Lily said uncertainly.

"Yes! My Queen will most definitely let me keep my voice!" Bear cheered.

Lily gave the dog a look of disbelief. "Your...Queen?"

"Yes. My Honorable Queen Jayden, who rescued me from my sisters." Bear shuddered. "I am forever in her debt."

Lily could only say: "Wow."

oOoOoOoOo

"This is humiliating."

Clari scowled. "Stop moving! I need to fix your eyeliner."

"Why did I agree to this again?" Jaye inquired for the hundredth time, squirming despite Clari's complaint.

"Because you're headstrong and won't refuse any bet," Clari said baldly. "Particularly ones against Hidan."

Jaye huffed.

"Stop! You're going to make me mess up and then you'll lose! Do you really want Hidan to be the better prostitute?"

Jaye sighed. "I guess not."

"Then stop moving!"

Clari finished applying her cousin's makeup and appraised her work. The Akatsuki hide out had limited resources, but Jaye still looked a lot like a prostitute. She had on one of Konan's shorter black dresses and fishnet tights, with boots that could only be described as the stripper kind. That was paired with makeup done with a heavy hand and hair that was curled wildly around her face.

"How do I look?" Jaye said sarcastically.

"Like a prostitute," Clari admitted.

"Faaanastic."

"I think Hidan will be okay if he loses."

"You mean _when_ he loses."

Clari chuckled and left the room to see if Hidan was ready yet. He was on his own with his prostitute outfit, because everyone refused to help him. Clari knocked on the door. "You ready yet?"

"I was fucking born ready!"

Clari alerted Kakuzu, who was the announcer for the event, and sat back to watch the proceedings with Pein, who denied his position as judge. The judges were Deidara, Tobi, and Kisame. Hidan and Jaye would enter the room, and whoever got two out of three votes would be declared winner. Loser had to grant one request from the winner without complaint.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Kakuzu said, really getting into his announcer role. "Presenting Prostitute Number One: Jaye!"

Jaye entered the room, walking with as much confidence as she could muster in a stripper outfit. This mainly involved resisting the urge to cross her arms and shield as much of her exposed skin as she could. The judges seemed impressed.

"Next, Prostitute Number Two: Hidan!"

Hidan entered the room in his regular Akatsuki robe, though it was buttoned all the way. He strutted across the room and, right before the judges table, he ripped the robe off.

Revealing nothing but an electric blue speedo.

Jaye and Clari both slapped their foreheads and, in Jaye's case, turned beet red. Most of the Akatsuki roared with laughter. And just when they thought it couldn't get any worse, Hidan wheeled around and strutted across the room. When he reached to the place where Jaye was standing...

...He bent over and slapped his ass.

When he took his place beside a very flustered Jaye, he was confident of his victory. He would accept this humiliation in exchange of the prize.

After the Akatsuki finally stopped laughing, the judges gave their votes.

"Hidan," Deidara gasped. "Sorry, but that was too funny, un."

"Jaye," Kisame said. "Hidan's act was too disturbing. And I'm not gay, like Deidara."

"I'm not gay, un!"

Everyone turned to Tobi. His vote was the deciding one. He sat thoughtfully for a moment, considering the two competitors. He cleared his throat to speak. "Well, Hidan-san gave a performance, so I don't think that's fair to Jaye-chan. If she can do the same, then Tobi will vote her."

"What exactly do you want me to do...?" Jaye squeaked.

As an answer, Tobi tapped his lap.

Silence filled the room. Everyone's eyes were like saucers, disbelief and bewilderment written on every face. They thought they would never see the day when Tobi, of all people, would request a lap dance. Jaye's shock quickly turned into degraded rage. Hidan, too, looked more than a little bothered.

"FUCK NO!" They roared at the same time.

"Then Tobi gives his vote to Hidan-san," Tobi said.

"HIDAN IS THE WINNER!" Kakuzu announced. "Jaye, you have to obey one request from Hidan."

Amidst the fits of giggles and hoots coming from the Akatsuki, Jaye scowled and turned to Hidan. "What the fuck do you want?"

Hidan thought for a moment. Finally he looked at her and said, "Go on a date with me."

Surprised silence was restored, even more so than before. Jaye seemed the most flabbergast; she'd never, in a million years, thought that Hidan would ask her out on a date. In fact, she was having trouble comprehending it.

"W-w-what? You want me t-to..."

"Go on a date with me."

"Why?" Jaye shouted.

Hidan shrugged.

Jaye wore a deer-caught-in-headlights sort of expression. Damn him! She couldn't refuse, not even if she wanted to! It seemed like cheating. But it couldn't be too bad. They had lived under the same roof for a while, after all. How much worse could it be?

"I guess I don't really have a choice," she grumbled finally. She looked him over. "You're not wearing that, are you?"

Hidan grinned and struck a pose. "You know you like it, bitch."

"I'm leaving now."

Clari stumbled after her, at a loss of what else to do. Honestly, she was too disturbed to do much of anything. Hidan and Jaye on a date...Jaye and Hidan dating...Jaye...Hidan...Date...

When they got to Konan's room, Jaye slammed the door behind her and grasped Clari's shoulders, shaking her back and forth. "Clari! You have to come with us!"

"What? No! I'm not gonna be the third wheel on your date!" Clari cried.

"You have to! Or better yet, bring Deidara and make it a double date!" Jaye begged. "Please, Clari! I'll never ask you for anything again!"

"Yes, you will."

"Okay, I will, but that's not the point! I can't be alone on a date with - with - " Jaye started twitching.

Clari, a bit frightened by Jaye's nervous spasm, hastily agreed to the plan. "Okay, fine! I'll go!"

"Really?" Jaye exclaimed, swallowing back her last gag.

"Yeah."

"You have to bring Deidara too, or else Hidan'll get suspicious."

"Whatever."

"I owe you one."

"You owe me one-hundred."

"Yeah, yeah," Jaye said dismissively. Clari shook her head and sighed. A double date with Jaye and Hidan and her and Deidara.

What could go wrong?

oOoOoOoOo

**I'll answer that question: Everything. *insert evil laughter here***

**Sorry it took so long to publish this chapter. The holidays offered little in the means of computer access. However, I think the awesomeness of this chapter makes up for it. Bear speaking, a prostitute contest, an upcoming date...Anyway I'm back now, and chapters should be published just as fast as before. Also...**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D**


	8. Goldfish Buddies and Sparkly Things

**Chapter Seven: Goldfish Buddies and Sparkly Things**

* * *

When the girls called Lily the next day, they omitted the information about the prostitute contest and the double date. Lily didn't need to know that, and they didn't want to make her even more angry than she already was (Lily had finally come to the realization that Clari had help kill someone, and she wasn't at all happy about it).

Lily left out the fact that Itachi had granted Bear the ability to speak. She decided that that could wait until the girls got back. Besides, Bear actually had pretty interesting stuff to say. It had been almost three days since he'd been jutsu-fied, and it was already difficult for Lily to continue thinking of him as a dog and not as a human.

After the girls got off the phone with Lily, they glanced at each other glumly and shuffled to Konan's room to get ready for their dates. It had been unofficially decided that they would inhabit Konan's room for the duration of their stay, since Konan had her own bathroom and both of the girls felt uncomfortable taking the only other available room, which used to be Orichimaru's.

As Jaye left to prepare herself for Hidan (he'd said that she must make an attempt to at least act like she was excited), Clari knocked on Deidara's door to see if he would even come. She'd put off asking in the hopes that he would decline and she could be free of her promise. He answered the door with a slightly agitated look on his face; it was still fairly early in the morning.

"What, un?"

Clari took a deep breath. "Will you go on a double date with me and Jaye and Hidan?"

Deidara raised his eyebrows. "It depends. Whose date am I, un?"

"Mine," Clari said blandly.

"Sure, I'll go," Deidara said after a moment of consideration.

Clari blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh...okay," Clari said. She told Deidara the time they were leaving and followed Jaye to get ready for the date. Clari felt guilty for dragging Deidara into this mess, so she figured that she might as well do her best to make it a good time. When she entered the room, Jaye was wearing some of Konan's clothes and attempting to fix her hair. Pein said that Konan wouldn't mind the girls borrowing her stuff, as long as they didn't damage it or lose it or something. However, most of Konan's clothes were too big for Clari, who was very short and rather slim. After much rummaging, she found that the only thing that fit her was a yukata with a beautiful flower design on it. But she refused to wear it because it was too pretty and she wasn't exactly a yukata kind of girl.

"This sucks," she said, looking down at her battered clothes. She'd washed them but they still were worn down. Besides that, the band t-shirt and jeans didn't exactly blend with fashion in the _Naruto_ world. "What do I do now?"

"I dunno," Jaye said. She had no problem fitting into Konan's clothes and wore a surprisingly pretty violet blouse and black pants. Clari did notice, however, that she kept her scruffy combat boots. Nothing could ever separate Jaye from those.

"You're not very helpful."

"Sorry, fashion isn't exactly my area of expertise," Jaye said sarcastically. "Why don't you go ask Kisame?"

Clari stared. "Kisame?"

"Yeah. He picked this out for me."

"...Really?"

"Yup."

"Kisame?"

"Yes, Fish-sticks."

Clari, though still in a state of doubt, gave Konan's closet one last hopeless glance and went to ask Kisame for help.

oOoOoOoOo

Lily sat with Konan and Zetsu as they tracked Itachi around the room with their eyes. He was, once again, drawing shapes on the walls with the piece of chalk. Bear cowered nervously in the corner, worried that Itachi was going to take his voice away and leave him stranded in a world of mute frustration.

"Okay," Lily finally said after several minutes of this. "What are you doing this time?"

"The same thing I was trying to do last time," Itachi said. He dropped the chalk and chanted and made hand seals. This time the chalk shapes turned vibrant blue and melted off the walls, sinking to the floor in sloppy puddles. There was a moment of silence as they evaluated the goop on the floor.

"Was it supposed to do that...?" Lily inquired.

"No, it wasn't," Itachi admitted.

"Look everybody!" Bear cried from the corner. "I can fly!"

With that he zoomed around the room, over their heads, and out the back door like a superhero, his boisterous shouts and cheers echoing throughout the house and ringing in the ears of the disbelieving audience.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye struggled with her makeup as Kisame assisted Clari with her outfit. For her he picked out a flowing gray skirt and a black shirt with fishnet sleeves. He also put her in a pair of Konan's heel-like ninja shoes, as Clari's converse weren't acceptable in the _Naruto_ world. He found ways to make the clothes fit Clari, though he didn't reveal his methods. Jaye suspected that he had somehow permanently altered the clothes and would allow the girls to take the blame for it.

"Do you need help with that?" he asked, catching Jaye glaring at the eyeshadow.

"You do makeup too?" Jaye snorted.

Kisame rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah...don't say anything about this to anyone, okay?"

"Sure," Clari agreed.

"Whatever," Jaye said. "But just out of curiosity, how exactly did you learn to do all this?"

"Well, there was an undercover mission and..."

He was interrupted by a rapid knock on the door. Kakuzu's voice issued from the other side. "You guys ready yet? Hidan and Deidara are waiting."

"Yeah, hang on!" Jaye called, letting Kisame hastily finish her makeup before grabbing Clari's hand and pulling her out the door. Kakuzu quickly jumped out of the way as she burst from the room, dragging Clari behind her. After a few seconds, Kisame followed. Kakuzu did a double take.

"Kisame? What were you doing in there?" he said.

"I was...um..."

Kakuzu waved a dismissal hand. "Nevermind, I don't wanna know."

They hurried downstairs to see the chaos that was sure to ensue, but they were disappointed. Jaye didn't leave any time for anyone to say anything. She barreled through the room and dropped Clari's hand, quickly replacing it with Hidan's and tugging him out the door.

"Come on, let's just get this fucking thing over with!" she grumbled, disappearing out of the room with Hidan in tow. Clari and Deidara exchanged a look that clearly stated just how much fun they thought this date was going to be, and hurried to catch up with the other couple.

Jaye stopped when they reached the outside perimeter, which was a wide expanse of open area. The hide out was an enormous building. It seemed stupid for a hide out to be a huge building in the middle of a field that was only a ten minute walk from a city, but Jaye and Clari didn't question it. At least it wasn't raining, like it had been during their time here. The ground was spongy beneath their feet.

"What are they doing here?" Hidan suddenly asked, gesturing to Deidara and Clari. Obviously he hadn't been aware of the double date plans.

"It's a double date," Jaye said.

"What? I didn't - fuck, whatever. I don't even care."

"Good, because nobody else does either," Jaye snapped. "Where are we going anyway?"

At this, Hidan grinned. "There's a festival nearby. I thought it would be fun to go."

"A festival! Awesome!" Clari, who had never actually been to a festival, cheered.

"Well, take us to this festival then," Jaye said, trying to maintain an air of negligence.

They walked for a while, Hidan leading the way. It was obvious that no one was too excited about walking, particularly Jaye. "Why can't Deidara just create a bird-thingy and we can fly there?" she asked at one point.

"Because it doesn't fit four people," Deidara explained.

"Bull shit."

"It's true, un!"

"I'm okay with walking," Clari said, bouncing in her ninja shoes. "These shoes rock."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"We're almost there bitch! Stop complaining!" Hidan roared.

"Make me!"

"Don't give me any fucking ideas!"

Clari pointed forward, her outstretched hand coming between Jaye's and Hidan's faces and effectively interrupting their heated argument. "Look! There's lights coming from that direction."

It was true. There was a haze of luminescence coming from a spot a little ways in front of them. Encouraged by the sight of the festival, they all stopped bickering and quickened their pace. As they got closer, details popped into view. There was quite a crowd of people bustling around the many tents and attractions. Clari glanced nervously at the Akatsuki members.

"Won't anybody notice you?" she asked.

Deidara snorted. "Not without our robes, un."

"What about your forehead protectors?"

"I'm telling you, nobody's gonna notice."

"Okay..."

The festival was a lot bigger than they'd originally thought. There were food stands of all different kinds, games of every shape and form, performers entertaining large crowds with amazing feats, and also...

"An art exhibit!" Clari and Deidara exclaimed in unison. They rushed off to see the small section of the festival, leaving Jaye and Hidan standing alone in the middle of a crowd.

"Well shit!" Jaye said. "Those traitors!"

"You can go with them if you want to, but I'm not gonna go see some stupid fucking art," Hidan sneered.

"Me neither." Jaye surveyed the area until something caught her eye. "Oniguri! I wanna go try some!"

"Oniguri? That shit's nasty."

"I don't care! This is a chance to try authentic Japanese food and I'm not gonna let it go!" Jaye declared, elbowing her way through the crowd to get to the concession area of the festival.

"Fuck! Wait, bitch! You don't have any money!"

Jaye went ahead and asked for an oniguri, munching off the top while Hidan begrudgingly paid the cheerful cook. He glared at her. "I don't care whether you like it or not, you're gonna eat the whole fucking thing! That shit's expensive!"

"You sound like Kakuzu," Jaye retorted, her mouth full of sticky rice. "And it's not bad. Try some."

"I already told you, I don't like it," Hidan insisted.

Jaye shrugged. "Your loss."

No later had she finished the oniguri did she spot something else she wanted to try. "Takoyaki!"

"Fried octopus?" Hidan said. "Why would you want to try that?"

"Have you?"

"No, it sounds gross."

"Tough shit! You're trying some!" Jaye said, grabbing his hand and towing him towards the takoyaki stand so she wouldn't have to wait for him to pay again. As Hidan handed the vendor the money, Jaye popped the takoyaki in her mouth. "This is amazing! Try some!"

"I don't - "

But before Hidan had further chance to protest, Jaye had stuck the takoyaki in his wide, complaining mouth, ordering him to chew and swallow. He obeyed, for lack of any other option that didn't involve waisting all the money he'd spent on the food. To his surprise, he found the fried octopus fairly tasty.

"Yeah, it's okay, I guess," he admitted.

But Jaye was beyond noticing. "Ramen!"

And again, they were off.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari was admiring a jade sculpture of a dolphin when she heard commotion from another table. She looked up to see Deidara and an artist from the exhibit glaring at each other. With a sigh, she straightened up and went over to resolve the problem before they got kicked out.

"Your sculpture is all wrong," Deidara was saying.

"It's art! There is no right and wrong," the other artist pointed out.

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but there aren't any women around here who have scales, un. That's because most people don't."

"It's symbolic," the artist countered with passion. "It's saying that vanity is turning kindhearted women into coldblooded beasts."

"All that this sculpture's telling me is that you're an idiot, un," Deidara said matter-of-factly.

"What did you just say to me, kid?"

Clari quickly looped her arm through Deidara's and tugged him away from the stand. She flashed the angry artist a smile. "Sorry, sir, my friend's a bit of a perfectionist. He has trouble seeing the deeper meaning behind symbolism."

"Yeah, whatever. Just keep him on a leash," the artist growled.

Deidara opened his mouth to retort but Clari pulled him away from the artist's stand and scowled at him.

"What?" he snapped. "I was only giving my opinion, un."

"And that's okay, but you could afford to be a little nicer about it," Clari pointed out.

"I was nice!"

"You told that guy he was wrong and then called him an idiot!"

"It's true, un," Deidara grumbled.

Clari shook her head and observed the canvas in front of them. It was a detailed painting of goldfish swimming in the water, with water lilies floating above the surface. There was something written along the side in Japanese.

"See, this guy knew what he was doing," Deidara remarked.

"What's that say?" Clari asked, pointing to the writing.

"_Life is like a flash of sunlight in the rippling water; infinite in all it's brilliant beauty,_" Deidara read. He shrugged. "I've heard better, un."

Clari rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I thought it sounded pretty."

"Thank you," said a woman, appearing from nowhere. "You'd be surprised how long it took to come up with that."

Clari nodded, shaking the artist's outstretched hand. She seemed to only be a little bit older than Clari, probably somewhere around Deidara's age. She was very attractive, with red hair that spiked in all directions and slanted black eyes. Hana was what she said her name was.

"You're a ninja?" she said suddenly, eying Deidara's forehead protector. He touched the metal portion, quickly covering up the insignia before she could see it clearly.

"Uh, yeah."

"So was my father. He was a jounin before he died in the war between the Leaf and the Sand. That's actually when I did this," she added, gesturing to the painting. "It's been a while before I could put it up for display. Between you and me, I'm kind of insecure about my art."

"You shouldn't be, un. It's good," Deidara assured, looking over the painting. He jabbed a thumb in the direction of the other artist he'd gotten in an argument with. "Unlike that guy over there."

"Oh, Koh?" Hana giggled. "I know, he's touchy about his art. All I said was that his sculpture was interesting and he completely went off like I'd insulted him personally or something."

"I told you he was an idiot, un," Deidara accused, looking pointedly at Clari. She scowled.

"So are you an artist too?" Hana asked Clari.

"Yeah, I can draw okay I guess."

"That's nice," Hana said. "What about you?"

"Yeah, I do exploding sculptures, un."

"That's so awesome!" Hana exclaimed. "How do you manage that?"

"Um...lots of practice," Deidara said, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Special clay."

"Fire is gorgeous, in my opinion," Hana continued.

Deidara nodded. "Art is a bang."

And with that Hana and Deidara launched into a discussion about art, one that went well over Clari's head. She felt somehow inferior to them. As Hana and Deidara talked, Clari found herself growing bored and somewhat irked that she wasn't, couldn't be, included in the conversation, and finally, after several attempts at convincing Deidara to go, she simply wandered away from Hana's stand and studied art from other people. But she kept glancing over at Hana and Deidara.

"Can I help you?" one artist said after ten minutes of Clari glancing back and forth between a drawing and Hana's stand.

"No, just looking," Clari said. She sighed and walked on, intently kicking a little pebble with her foot so as not to look up again. She was so focused that she jumped five feet in the air when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Woah, un," Deidara said, startled after her dramatic reaction. "Didn't mean to scare you. I looked over and you were gone."

Clari shrugged, rolling the pebble around with her toe.

"We were having a nice conversation and you just left, un," Deidara insisted.

"_You_ were having a nice conversation," Clari said under her breath.

Deidara blinked. Then, he grinned from ear to ear. "I see what's going on. You're jealous, un."

"What? I'm not jealous!"

"Yes, you are. You're jealous because I was talking to Hana," Deidara said, still thoroughly enjoying himself.

Clari scowled. "Don't flatter yourself. I'm not jealous. I just got bored."

"Why? We were talking about art, un."

"I didn't exactly have much input," Clari mumbled.

"See, you are jealous because I was talking to Hana," Deidara persisted.

"Well, when people ignore other people that tends to make them upset," Clari admitted. "But that doesn't mean I'm jealous."

"I'm sorry if you felt like I was ignoring you, un," Deidara apologized, patting her head.

"Don't do that," Clari protested half-heartedly.

"What? Pat your head or ignore you?"

"Both."

Deidara grinned again and laughed. "Okay, un. Should we go find Hidan and Jaye?"

"Yeah, we should. Jaye's probably pissed that we left her," Clari said.

"That oughta be fun."

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan looked down sadly at the empty pocket of his wallet. "You cleaned me out! I don't have any more fucking money!"

"That's okay, we visited everything," Jaye said, looking around at the concessions with a smile. In addition to the oniguri, takoyaki, and ramen they had tried pocky, curry, and seven different kinds of sushi. Hidan looked up from his barren wallet and glared at Jaye.

"Where the fuck do you put it all? You ate enough for three people!"

"You shouldn't have had so much money with you."

Hidan was preparing a reply when Clari and Deidara found them. Jaye smiled and waved. "Clari! You're totally gonna have to learn how to make takoyaki! Oh, and curry, that was good too."

"Did you eat the entire time?" Clari inquired.

"Yes! And it was amazing!"

"I'm out of money!"

"So how was the art exhibit?" Jaye asked, ignoring Hidan entirely.

"Good, un. _I _certainly learned a lot," Deidara said with a sly grin. Clari scowled.

"Blah, blah, blah, boring art stuff," Hidan interrupted. "But I'm out of money! What are we supposed to do now? Everything costs money to do, and we've only been here for half an hour."

"Relax, I've got money," Deidara said. "You sound like Kakuzu, un."

"That's what I said!" Jaye agreed.

"So...what do you guys want to do?" Clari asked.

There was silence as everyone thought. Finally, Jaye pointed to the fishing game. "How about that?"

"Okay," everyone agreed, at a loss of what else to do. Deidara paid the money and everyone tried to catch a goldfish. Hidan quickly became frustrated and quit. Deidara got water in his hand-mouth and had to quit because he was thrown into a coughing fit. Clari quit soon afterwards because she was getting water everywhere and didn't want to ruin Konan's clothes. Jaye, after several tries, finally caught a goldfish.

"I got one!" she cheered as the vendor put it in a plastic bag for her. "Haha! His name shall be...Pablo."

The other three raised their eyebrows. "Pablo?"

"Yes, Pablo." She smiled at the fish in the plastic bag. "Hi, Pablo."

Clari shook her head. "Pablo...I guess it's better than Bob."

"It's definitely better than Bob, un," Deidara agreed.

"Much better than Bob," Hidan nodded.

They moved on, Jaye being careful not to jostle Pablo too much in his little plastic bag. There was a crowd surrounding a performer and the four of them gathered curiously. With closer inspection, they realized it was a fire eater. He tossed and twirled flaming batons, catching them and blowing bigger flames in the air. Deidara's eyes lit up.

"I wanna try, un!" he proclaimed, starting forward.

Clari caught the back of his shirt and began dragging him away with Jaye and Hidan. "We're going."

"Come on!"

"Nope."

"How about that?" Jaye suggested, pointing to darts.

"That looks fun!" Hidan said. Both he and Deidara got nearly all bulls-eyes, while Clari and Jaye failed horribly.

"Pick a prize!" the vendor said. Hidan picked out a stuffed animal and handed it to Jaye unceremoniously.

"Here, bitch!" he said. Jaye took the stuffed animal, raising an eyebrow. It was a huge plush goldfish with bulging eyes and puckered lips, it's round cheeks bloated with cotton.

"It's...a constipated goldfish..." she said.

"Damn, it does look constipated..." Hidan admitted, rubbing the back of his head. "I just thought that Pablo might get lonely or something...well, fuck! Whatever. Just take the fucking goldfish!"

"Yeah, I guess Pablo does need a buddy," Jaye said. She smiled. "Thanks."

Clari, who was watching Hidan and Jaye with amusement, suddenly noticed an absence in their party. She looked around, searching for the missing blonde head. "Hey, has anyone seen - ?"

No sooner had the words come out of her mouth was there an abnormally large burst of flame from behind them, where the fire eater was performing. Clari closed her eyes and sighed when she saw the shocked faces of Jaye and Hidan staring past her. "Do I really want to turn around?"

Jaye grinned. "Yeah, I think you do."

She slowly obliged, hesitantly opening one eye. Then she opened the other and gaped. Deidara was joining the fire eater in his performance with equal skill, juggling the batons of fire with ease. He seemed to be enjoying himself, a wide grin spread across his face and his blue eyes dancing with the fire. Clari laughed and said, "Wow."

Finally he threw both up into the air. Clari noticed that there was something else between the fire batons. _Shit! _she thought, but it was too late. Deidara had clasped his hands together and yelled "Katsu!"

There was an explosion that fanned out like wings in colors ranging from red to orange and blue to green. The audience screamed and, after they recovered, they cheered and clapped. Clari heard them chanting for more.

"Sorry guys," Deidara said, glancing at Clari and giving her a wink. "I've got a date to get back to, un."

The crowd seemed mildly disappointed and turned back to the other fire eater, who seemed relatively irked at being upstaged in his own show. He did his best to earn back the crowd's interest, but nothing he did could compete with Deidara's explosion.

"That was so cool!" Clari said in awe. "Can you show me how to do that?"

"Not unless you want hands like these," Deidara said, wiggling his fingers as he replaced his fingerless gloves.

"Damn."

"I did win this for you though," he added, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a ring. It was a simple silver band and had tiny black birds painted across it.

Clari blinked. "Really?"

"Well yeah. _I'm _certainly not gonna wear it, un," Deidara said, grabbing her hand and slipping the ring on her finger. Clari held it up to the light and wiggled her fingers around, watching it sparkle. She had to admit, the ring was very pretty.

"Shit! It's almost time!" Hidan interrupted, looking up at the sky.

"Time for what?"

Hidan ignored them and grabbed Jaye's hand, dragging her across the festival while she screamed out protests of, "Slow down! You're gonna kill Pablo, dammit!" Clari and Deidara glanced at each other a shrugged, following them to Hidan's mysterious destination.

Hidan stopped at a field along the borders of the festival. When he did, Jaye snatched her hand away crossly.

"What are we doing here?" she asked.

"You'll see," Hidan said.

Jaye huffed, realizing that she wasn't getting an answer out of him. The four of them waited and waited. After much impatience, they finally got their answer as to what Hidan had dragged them out here for. It came with a crack and a boom and a shower of sparks in the sky.

"Fireworks!"

Hidan seemed fairly pleased with himself. The four of them were transfixed by chorus of booms and the glimmering light show, as every human being is when confronted with anything sparkly. The sky was flashing like a ripple of fish scales beneath the surface of the water, writhing with color and splendor, upstaging the stars much like Deidara had upstaged the fire eater. After quite some time, the last firework was launched into the air and the spectacular show was over. By then the four of them were sprawled out on the grassy ground, as they got tired of standing after more than fifteen minutes.

"I have to say, that was pretty cool," Jaye admitted. She turned to the plastic back resting beside her head where her goldfish swam around contently. "What did you think, Pablo?"

Clari sighed. "I love fireworks."

"Me too, un," Deidara agreed.

"Who doesn't?" Hidan said, gloating in the reaction caused by his brilliant surprise.

They laid there and watched people get up and leave. The festival was obviously coming to a close, but none of them were ready to go back to the boring hide out. So they continued to lay on the grass until Clari pointed out that there were clouds rolling in and that it was sure to rain soon.

"And thunder," Jaye added, grabbing Pablo and his fish buddy as she stood up.

Clari made a face. "Hopefully not."

"Why, un? You can come visit my room," Deidara said with a grin.

"Another reason for me to wish it doesn't thunderstorm."

"That's just plain mean, un."

Even as the bickering continued, it was evident that the date was coming to a close along with the festival. However, no one in the party could honestly say they regretted going. Though spontaneous, as is to be expected, the date was strangely rejuvenating and refreshing. But as the two couples began their journey back to the hide out, they were unaware and oblivious to the fact that they were walking straight into an episode of complete and utter chaos.

* * *

**A nice, long, fluffy chapter. **

**AND BEAR CAN NOT ONLY TALK, BUT HE CAN ALSO FLY! How cool is that?**

**Fluff is getting fluffier, and is becoming easier and easier to write. So much fun! X3 If you haven't noticed, I love torturing my characters. Torturing them until they can finally admit their feelings for another character! Bwahaha! **

**But not yet...**

**...You've still got a while until that happens. Which is okay, because it means just that much more story to read. And who doesn't love just that much more story to read? I'll tell you who. **

**People who don't like fireworks.**

**And as for the episode of complete and utter chaos our two loverly couples are walking straight into? Well, you're just going to have to wait for the next chapter to be released. XP **


	9. Cannibalism and Spongy Hugs

**Chapter Eight: Cannibalism and Spongy Hugs**

* * *

"Can you give me laser vision this time? Or supersonic farts?" Bear asked as Itachi, for the third time, drew shapes on the walls of Lily's living room. He insisted that this time he had it right and proceeded to begin his ritual despite Lily's protests. Not only had it taken her several hours to get the sticky blue slime off the floor, but Bear had become extremely annoying ever since he'd gained the ability to fly.

Lily clamped the dog's mouth shut with her hand. "You've been watching to much TV."

"And you aren't getting any more superpowers," Itachi interjected. "I won't make any mistakes this time."

"That's what you said last time," Bear pointed out.

"Third time's the charm," Konan said. She found the situation relatively amusing and sat back to enjoy Itachi's mistakes. The first ones he'd ever made, in her memory.

"Exactly," Itachi agreed, putting down the chalk.

"Whatever, but even if the shapes decide to come alive and vomit all over my floor, you're going to be the one cleaning it up," Lily threatened.

Itachi blinked. "I highly doubt that will happen."

"It's just an example. Be prepared to clean whatever mess your chalk makes."

"That shouldn't be too hard," Itachi said, shrugging.

"You'd be surprised."

Itachi cleared his throat and began making seals while Konan, Zetsu, Lily, and Bear all watched in anticipation. There were a lot more seals this time, and not as many words. Finally, his hands fell to his sides and directed his gaze to the shapes on the walls. Nothing happened.

"See, I told you I had it right this ti - "

No later had the words come out of Itachi's mouth did the shapes explode, taking large chunks of Lily's living room wall with them. She gaped at the damage, thinking of the many hours it would take to repair her house.

"Itachi!" she cried, blinking away particles of drywall and dust that hovered around the room. "Why? Why would you do this to my house?"

"I - "

"No more! No more jutsus, not unless you know exactly what they're going to do! I'm sick and tired of you destroying my house and giving Bear superpowers on top of that!" Lily sputtered, feeling the urge to explode as her house had just done. "No more jutsus!"

Itachi blinked, unaccustomed to being yelled at by anyone other than Sasuke. And Lily wasn't even finished.

"And I'm not cleaning this up either! You're fixing every single hole in every single wall, even if it takes you all week. You're also going to clean my whole living room! And if Bear has another superpower, then you're cleaning the mud he tracks on the ceiling too, dammit!"

"But - " Itachi began.

"But _what_?" Lily growled.

"But it worked."

It was Lily's turn to be shocked. "What worked?"

"The jutsu. It worked." Itachi's brow furrowed. "Too well."

"What do you mean 'too well'?" Konan said, hopping up from her seat.

"I...I think we need to call the others."

oOoOoOoOo

When Deidara, Clari, Jaye, and Hidan entered the Akatuski hide out, it was clear that something was wrong. All the members were huddled around a table on which sat the tiny silver cellphone that was used for communication between worlds.

"What are we gonna do now?" Kisame asked Pein, oblivious to the fact that the four of them had just walked in.

"How are we gonna get Clari-chan and Jaye-chan back home?" Tobi cried.

"WHAT?"

The Akatsuki members wheeled around, meeting the horrified expressions of the girls they had just been discussing. There formed a bubble of silence as everyone was too surprised to move or speak; they could only stare at each other wordlessly, with shock written plainly on their faces.

Then, Kisame slapped the back of Tobi's head. "You were supposed to keep watch!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"There's no use blaming Tobi!" Jaye yelled. "The cat's out of the bag!"

"'The cat's out of the bag'? Really, Jaye?" Clari said, pausing her terror momentarily so she could ridicule her cousin's habit of using strange vocabulary in difficult situations.

"It slipped out."

"Anyway," Deidara said, steering the conversation back to more important matters. "What do you mean they can't go home, un? What happened?"

"It seems that Itachi was experimenting with jutsu so he could get you girls home faster, and it backfired," Pein explained. "His jutsu worked too well. All inter-dimensional travel has been completely blocked off."

"So we're stuck here?" Clari said. "Like...forever?"

"Certainly not forever," Pein hastily said. "I'm sure that Itachi is working on a way to fix this right now."

"How long will that take?" Jaye inquired.

"I don't know; it could be hours, days, weeks, or even months."

"Months?" Clari and Jaye said in unison. "We can't stay here for months!"

"It's not that bad here..." Hidan defended.

"That's not the point! We've got stuff to get back to in our world. There's Mom, and Bear, and - "

"We'll still be able to call your mother," Pein pointed out.

" - But what about Ryan and Seth? We can't tell them we're in a separate world! And school? Do you know how much school we're going to miss? We'll have to repeat the eleventh grade!" Jaye wailed.

"Ryan and Seth will be fine. And your school was burned down."

"What about Thanksgiving? And Christmas? We can't miss that!"

"I'm sorry about your holidays," Pein said.

Clari sighed. "There's nothing we can do. We'll just have to wait for Itachi."

"I'm sure he's working on a way to fix this right now," Pein repeated simply.

oOoOoOoOo

Itachi was not good with tools.

Lily had ordered him to fix the holes in the walls before he did anything else, even if it involved the girls. She said it was not only ugly, but potentially hazardous to have such big gaps in the walls. And since it was his jutsu that caused it, he was going to be the one to repair the damage, whether he liked it or not.

However, after three hours, Lily poked her head in to see how Itachi was doing. She found him balancing a two-by-four on his nose. And, while this was a spectacular feat, she was not amused. "What are you doing?"

"Working," Itachi answered, slipping the wooden board off his nose and letting it drop into his outstretched hands. Lily shook her head and scowled at him.

"Itachi, you better get these walls done soon. You're not leaving until it's fixed. Not even to take a piss."

"I'm fairly certain that's detainment," Itachi remarked.

"You're being awfully chatty."

Without further comment, Itachi walked over to a hole and placed the two-by-four against the wall, poising a nail on the grain of the wood and raising the hammer to strike.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "You're nailing the entire board to the wall?"

"Perhaps."

"You realize that thing's taller than you, right?"

"Don't rub it in."

Lily watched as he brought the hammer down, not even glancing at the nail as he did so. Unfortunately for Itachi, the sharingan seemed to have no consideration for tool-related jobs of any sort, and he smashed the hammer on his thumb instead. He winced and dropped the hammer. It landed on his toe.

Wide-eyed and jaw-dropped, Lily raced over to Itachi. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Itachi said, hiding his thumb from view.

"Let me see," Lily insisted, grabbing his hand and nearly fainting from the sight of his distorted thumb. It was purple and mottled and bent at a very disturbing angle. "Oh my God! We need to get you to the emergency room!"

"What about the wall?" Itachi asked as Lily hauled him to his feet. He grimaced as his toe bore the weight of his body.

"I'll hire someone to do it! You need to get to the hospital for that finger. I'd hate to see what kind of condition your foot is in," Lily cried, attempting to tug him to the door.

"Don't worry, I'll ask Zetsu to look at it," Itachi said. "We don't need to go to the hospital. I wouldn't want to risk discovery."

"Are you sure Zetsu can handle something like this? I doubt any of the nurses read _Naruto_," Lily said.

"Zetsu's handled worse before. I'll be fine," Itachi assured, limping up the stairs and out of view. Lily shook her head and went to find a phone book.

Zetsu met Itachi at the top of the stairs, looking down at him with disappointment. "Are you going to tell her that you used genjutsu on her?"

"Maybe," Itachi said, looking down at his perfectly healthy thumb. "After the wall is fixed."

"_That's strangely mischievous of you_," Zetsu's black half said. "_I like it. It's a nice change of pace_."

Lily's voice suddenly wafted up from the bottom of the stairs. "Zetsu! I have a favor to ask you!"

Itachi smirked. "Are you still liking 'this nice change of pace'?"

Zetsu spared him a scowl before heading down to, inevitably, fix the living room wall.

oOoOoOoOo

Kisame stared longingly into the fishbowl where Pablo swam contently. Jaye had placed the fish in the glass bowl so he could be more comfortable in this strange new habitat. She'd also leaned the plush golfish she simply referred to as "Buddy" next to the fishbowl. This had been several hours ago, and Kisame was still standing here, staring at the fish.

Ever since Jaye produced Pablo, Kisame felt this weird desire. It consumed his every waking minute to the point where it became torture to sit, watching this creature swim around in his little home. However, he couldn't bring himself to find something else to do. It was like an addiction.

As for this insatiable desire, it was to eat the fish.

To Kisame, this was not an abnormal craving. He ate fish all the time; in fact, sushi was his favorite dish. But he'd never felt the urge to leap into the fishtanks in shops and munch all the marine animals to their death. This severe level of want was increasingly agitating, and if it was any other fish he would have consumed it by now.

However, this wasn't just any fish. It was Jaye's new pet, Pablo, and it was obvious that she cared for this simple creature to some extent. She would be very upset if Kisame just devoured it out of gluttony. Probably so upset that she would rub it in his face every single chance she got. And Kisame was not willing to put up with that just for one little fish.

...Or was he?

Pablo the goldfish was just so tempting, paddling along in circles, light reflecting off his scales, water gushing in and out of his gills, bulging eyes flicking this way and that for any potential danger. Yet he was so oblivious, so at peace, such an easy target that Kisame was beside himself. Before he even knew what he was doing, he had thrust his hand into the water, pulled out Pablo the goldfish, and dangled the wriggling animal above his mouth, which was wide open in preparation for the meal.

"Kisame! What the hell are you doing?" Clari, who had just walked in to see Kisame holding poor Pablo between his thumb and forefinger and hanging him about his mouth, was agape at his conduct towards the fish. "Put Pablo back in the water right now!"

But Kisame couldn't do it. Clari saw it in his eyes. He was going to let go of the fish.

"Kisame, think about what you're doing - " But it was too late for thinking. Kisame had widened the gap between his thumb and forefinger and down Pablo fell, into the black hole that was his mouth. With an audible snap, Kisame shut it sharply and swallowed.

And that was the end of Pablo the goldfish. (May he rest in peace)

Clari was ogling at him, disbelief displayed on all of her features. The fact that he had just eaten Jaye's goldfish was both appalling and disgusting, but more importantly, she was a witness. Jaye would never forgive her if she found out. Which, if they didn't do something soon, she would.

"Kisame! What did you do?" Clari cried, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him.

"I'm sorry! I couldn't control myself! It just looked so tasty!"

"Tasty my ass! Do you know what you've done?" Clari looked around frantically for some kind of answer. Finally, one came to her. Jaye had went with the others to watch them train, so she would be gone for a while. Clari hadn't wanted to go because it was cold and raining outside, and she would rather be bored than chilly and wet. She stopped her assault on Kisame so he could focus. "We've got to get her another fish!"

"How?" Kisame asked.

"Isn't there any place to buy goldfish here? She's gone with the others, so this is the perfect opportunity! We'll just sneak out, go to the market, get a fish that looks like Pablo, and replace him," Clari explained deviously.

"O-okay..." Kisame said hollowly.

Clari slapped his face. "Get yourself together, man!"

"Ow...that hurt."

"Come on, if we don't leave right now then we might not make it back in time. We can't let Jaye ever know this happened. Not only will she be crushed, but she'll never let it go. Do you have a coat or something I can borrow? It's cold outside, and raining. Oh, and don't forget some money; we'll need some to buy the fish," Clari rambled, searching until she found a cloak she could wear against the rain.

Kisame was still in shock. "You...you slapped me."

"Sorry, I've always wanted to say that. It seemed appropriate." She turned around to glare at him, one hand fastening the buttons on the cloak while the other held his wallet. "Are you coming or not?"

"I'm coming," Kisame said immediately, idly wondering how she'd found his wallet. He grabbed his bamboo hat and his sword and followed her out of the hide out and into the moderate rain that was rapidly becoming a thunderstorm.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye looked up at the rumbling sky, blinking away raindrops. "Does anyone else feel...wet?"

"I'm not even going to reply to that," Hidan said, resting back on the grass. They were both already too soaked to be concerned about trivial things like mud or cover from the rain in general.

"It's thundering too...Maybe we should go back," Jaye said, worried.

"You can go back. No one's stopping you."

"Kisame's there. I'm sure Clari'll be fine," Jaye reassured herself, thinking of the long hours of melancholy that she'd previously spent in the hide out.

"I doubt Kisame will snuggle up with her in bed like Deidara," Hidan remarked sarcastically.

"Yeah..." Jaye said, biting her lip and looking back at the building, which was at least a twenty minute walk away. "But she's also got her iPod with her."

"The battery would have gone out by now, with all the thunderstorms we've been having," Hidan pointed out.

"You're not helping!"

"I'm just pointing out the obvious, bitch! Don't snap at me because you're looking for excuses not to go back!"

Jaye feigned hurt. "That was hateful, Hidan."

Before Hidan had a chance to reply, Pein interrupted. "Hidan! Break's over!"

With one last glare at Jaye, Hidan left to resume his training. Sighing, Jaye leaned back on the grass, wrinkling her nose at the icky squilch the soggy earth produced. Perhaps she should convince Deidara to go back...a breeze drifted by, and Jaye shuddered. _No, I'm sure Clari will be fine,_ she thought. _She's a big girl, and she's got Kisame and her iPod with her. Speaking of which...why did Kisame want to stay in the first place...?_

Jaye's thoughts trailed off as she watched lightning streak across the sky.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari winced, suppressing the urge to run back inside. It wouldn't do any good; her iPod was dead.

The wind and rain was getting fiercer as she and Kisame trekked to the market. They'd been walking for several minutes and were already soaked to the bone, shivering as the freezing gusts collided with their wet skin. But they both knew that Jaye's wrath would be much worse, and they traveled on.

Again, thunder boomed.

"I h-hate t-this p-place," she stuttered, pulling the sopping cloak closer around her shivering body.

"You didn't have to come," Kisame pointed out.

"It w-would h-have been j-j-just as bad alone," Clari sighed. "W-we're almost t-there anyway."

Soon they arrived in town. All the outdoor shops were closed, but Kisame knew of a sushi place where they kept a fishtank that was indoors. He led her there, in the hopes that they could find a simple goldfish.

There weren't many people in the shop, and most of them were getting ready to leave. It was obvious that the storekeeper was getting ready to close down for lack of customer. When the owner saw Clari and Kisame, dripping in the doorway, he gave them a passive-aggressive smile.

"I'm sorry, but we're getting ready to close down," he explained. "The storm is too bad."

"We just need to pick up one thing," Clari explained.

"I don't see any orders here," the chef said, poking his head out from behind the counter.

"We aren't preparing any more food," the owner said sternly.

"You don't need to," Clari said. "We just need a fish."

"A fish?"

"Yeah, just a plain goldfish."

"We don't serve goldfish here, ma'am."

"No, not cooked!" Clari cried. "A live goldfish. Plain, with no spots or anything."

"But...why?" the owner said, glancing at his decorative fishtank in which there were several fish swimming about.

Kisame glared from underneath his hat. "Just get the fish."

"Okay," the owner said, frightened. He led Clari to the tank. "Pick one out."

Clari observed the fish for a moment before eying one that seemed to be a solid orange color. She pointed it out to the owner, who was prepared with a fishnet and a plastic baggy. "That one. The plain one."

The owner nodded and dipped the net in the water, swishing it around until he caught the goldfish. He put it in the plastic bag that he'd filled with water, tied the top, and handed it to her. Clari smiled in thanks. "How much?"

"Uh...just keep it for free," the owner said, quivering in Kisame's ominous presence.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, just leave so I can lock up."

"Okay. Thank you!"

"Just...just leave."

Clari looked at the little fish and pulled up her hood. Thunder boomed again and she inhaled deeply, grasping the fabric of the cloak tighter. "The things I do for Jaye," she mumbled, stepping back into the pouring rain. "Come on, Pablo II. Let's go back."

oOoOoOoOo

Kisame, Clari, and Pablo II got home two minutes before the others, giving them just enough time to hide the evidence of Pablo's unpleasant demise and his replacement. They were drying off when the others arrived.

"Clari? You still alive?" Jaye called, her voice echoing throughout the empty house.

"Yeah, I'm here!" Clari called, rubbing her hair more viciously in the towel. It refused to dry all the way, so this was the best she could do for now. Konan didn't have a hair drier.

"Why is your hair wet?" Jaye said when she entered Konan's room, though she was leaving a trail of wet footprints herself.

"I...um...went outside."

"Why?"

"Because...because I remembered I forgot my shoes out there and I had to go get them," Clari said, nodding vigorously. Her shoes were also the only other thing she couldn't dry, and they were sitting beside a fan as they spoke.

"Okaaay..." Jaye said, grabbing the towel from Clari and attempting to dry herself off. "Did you do okay? With the thunderstorm and everything? I know that there wasn't anyone here except Kisame and you didn't have your iPod charged, so..."

"My iPod just ran out of charge, actually," Clari lied. "It was fine."

"Oh, well, Deidara was worrying about you and everything..." Jaye dodged, digging though Konan's stuff to get a change of clothes. As if on cue, Deidara burst into the room, soaking wet and grinning widely.

"Clari!" he said. "Come give me a hug, un!"

"No, you're all wet!"

"C'mon!"

"No, get away from me! AHHH! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!" Clari cried as Deidara caught her and pulled her into a squishy, wet hug that left her soggy and cold once more. When he finally let go, Clari looked down at herself. "Gah! I'm soaked! How much water does your hair absorb?"

"Yeah, it's like a giant, fluffy sponge," Jaye added in wonder.

"I'm pretty sure it's the robe, not the hair," Deidara said. He shook his shaggy blonde mane, sending abnormal amounts of water sailing through the air. "But my hair does hold a lot of water, un."

Clari looked down at herself gloomily. "Yes, it does."

Deidara grinned. "Sorry, un. I couldn't resist."

"Whatever. Just get out so we can change," Jaye said, shoving him out the door and shutting it in his face.

"Fine, be that way, un," Deidara's muffled voice came from the other side.

Jaye shook her head. "Idiots. So, what did you and Kisame do while we were gone?"

"Oh, uh, I don't know...I was basically in here the whole time..."

"I wonder why he wanted to stay. It's weird, don't you think?" Jaye asked.

"Yeah, weird."

Later, when everyone was relatively dry and warm and lazing around in the common area, Jaye decided to go check on Pablo. She grabbed the fish flakes and dumped them in his bowl. He swam up to the surface and plucked them into his mouth, one by one. Jaye watched, smiling to herself. Pablo was pretty cool...for a goldfish.

Suddenly she frowned.

"Clari...?" she said, walking back into the common area.

"Yeah?"

"What happened to Pablo?"

Clari's face went white. "W-what do you mean? Pablo's in his fishbowl."

"No, that's not Pablo. It's a different fish," Jaye said. "Pablo has a little white dot on his nose. That fish doesn't."

"You're...very observant," Clari remarked nervously.

"Where. Is. Pablo?"

"Um...well, technically that fish's name _is_ Pablo...the II."

"_You killed Pablo_!" Jaye screeched, scowling at her cousin.

Clari open and closed her mouth, looking very much like a fish herself. Then, she thrust an accusing finger in Kisame's face. "Kisame ate Pablo! I had nothing to do with it!"

"_You ate my goldfish_?" Jaye said, flabbergast.

"Well, I - "

"Isn't that cannibalism?" Kakuzu pondered.

"No, I - he was just so tempting!" Kisame cried.

"Tempting! Pablo was not tempting! He was a fish!" Jaye yelled. "And you ate him! That's just - that's just _wrong_! You don't eat other people's pets! How do you think Pablo felt about that? How would you like it if I ate you?"

"I wouldn't - OW! YOU BIT ME!"

"That's right, and you didn't like it, did you?"

"I can't believe you actually bit him..." Clari said, looking at the pronounced bite marks on Kisame's hand that fit Jaye's dental work exactly. At hearing her cousin's voice, Jaye turned her death glare on Clari.

"And you! You were a bystander!" she said. "You _watched_!"

"What a sicko," Deidara said, tsking Clari sarcastically.

"Shut up, blondie!" Jaye shouted.

"I tried to stop him! I swear!" Clari pleaded.

"And whose idea was it to get the replacement fish?" Jaye asked.

Kisame wasted no time in accusing Clari, practically jumping up and down in his seat as he did so. "She did! She said we should go into town to get another fish and that you wouldn't notice! She's an accessory to murder!"

"Traitor!" Clari hissed.

"If I'm going down, you're going down with me!" Kisame challenged.

"I can't believe my own cousin would assist the _murder _of my pet," Jaye said, devastated. "There's only one thing you can do to make up for it."

"And what's that?" Clari asked, suspecting the worst.

Jaye gave them a sadistic smile. "You have to buy me a shark."

"A SHARK?" Clari yelled, standing. "No way am I buying you of all people a shark!"

"_You're _not going to buy it for me," Jaye said. She pointed a finger at Kisame. "_He_ is."

"No sharks!" Clari repeated

"I don't recall asking you for your opinion. You owe me one anyway, since you were an accessory to the murder of my goldfish," Jaye accused.

"I got you another goldfish!"

"It's not the same."

Clari grabbed the collar of Jaye's shirt and pulled her down to her level so she could look her directly in the eye. "I walked for a half mile in the _middle_ of a _thunderstorm_, no iPod, freezing, wet, and cold, to get you that damn fish! Do you know how _terrifying_ that was for me? It was my worst fucking nightmare! So you're going to love and cherish that goldfish until he grows old and _dies_, and you're going to enjoy every minute of it, even if I have to force a happy pill down your throat every day before you feed him!"

By the end of her rant, Clari's voice was nothing less of a screech. Her face was red with effort at stringing that many words together with one breath, and the look on her face was utterly frightening. Jaye, who was shocked into compliance, mutely nodded her head. Clari let go of her shirt with a huff, her face returning to it's natural color.

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to bed. Today's been rather stressful, and I'm tired," she said. Everyone watched her walk out and heard the door to Konan's room close several seconds later.

"...That was scary," Tobi said.

"Indeed, Tobi," Jaye gulped. "Very scary."

Everyone whole-heartily agreed.

oOoOoOoOo

**POOR PABLO! DX **

**I feel awful that I killed him off. He was such a good little imaginary goldfish. At least he died a painless and quick death. His replacement has big shoes to fill. Perhaps there will be a shark in the near future... **

**Then again, no one wants to see Clari's "scary mode." XP**

**I used a lot of Italic in this chapter..._emphasis_! **

**Now, everyone, a moment of silence for Pablo the Goldfish.**

**...**

**...**

**May he rest in peace. **


	10. Scandalous Underwear and Creepy Balloons

**Chapter Nine: Scandalous Underwear and Creepy Balloons**

* * *

After three days of Zetsu angrily working on it, the wall was finally fixed. It looked as though nothing had happened, which is exactly how Lily had wanted it to look. She was still unaware of Itachi's treacherous ways, for he continued his genjutsu on her and Konan without shame. Only Zetsu knew the truth, and he wasn't going to speak a word of it because Itachi had some unlikely blackmail on him.

See, a few years ago, Zetsu had snuck into Pein's room and found something that would remain with him for the rest of his days. He'd only gone in out of curiosity; he really hadn't expected to dig up any dirt on the Akatsuki leader. He'd thought that Pein would be more careful than to leave gossip-worthy possessions in his room, where anyone would be able to find them.

As Zetsu aimlessly picked through the Akatsuki leader's possessions, he discovered none other than women's underwear. Racy woman's underwear. The last person in the Akatsuki to have a lover would be the leader! No women had even stepped foot in the hide out, as far as anyone else could tell. The only woman ever to even see the inside of the Akatsuki hide out was Konan.

Automatically, Zetsu's train of thought took a whole new direction. Konan and Pein did seem to have a rather intense relationship...what if there was an affair going on in the Akatsuki? Zetsu was beside himself with embarrassment at finding the underwear, disbelief at this new idea about the two most authorized members in the Akatsuki being lovers, and dread at what Leader would do if he ever found out what Zetsu had discovered.

It was then, in Zetsu's weakest moment, that Itachi found him holding the underwear.

So Zetsu could do nothing to betray Itachi's newest deception. However, Zetsu wouldn't ever have to cover for Itachi again, since he had blackmail on the Uchiha now. For, what would Lily do if she somehow found out that Itachi had used genjutsu on her to get out of work?

"Thank you so much, Zetsu," Lily praised as she inspected the wall. "I know it's not fair that you had to do the work, but Itachi is obviously an idiot when it comes to tools and he hurt himself."

"It's fine," Zetsu said. "At least the girls can get home sooner, right?"

"Yeah, I wonder how that's going...?" Lily pondered, padding away to find the lazy Uchiha. She found him in the basement, which served as his room when he was here. He was sitting on the bed in the far corner with his back to the door, bent over and working with something. Lily raised her eyebrows and cleared her throat. "What are you doing?"

"What is this?" Itachi asked, turning and showing Lily the thing he had been so avidly investigating. It was a rubber ducky, yellow and gleaming with plastic sheen, it's small black eyes staring blankly into oblivion and it's orange beak open in the slightest fraction.

"Uh...a rubber ducky..." Lily answered, confused. "Why?"

"What is it for?" Itachi continued, ignoring her question.

"It's a bath toy for little kids."

"I see..."

"Are you seriously wasting your time studying a rubber ducky?" Lily growled.

"I'm not wasting my time," Itachi said. "I know what I'm doing."

"Evidently not! You ruined my house, trapped the girls in another dimension, and gave Bear superpowers! And now your just sitting here with a rubber ducky in you hands!" Lily shouted, her temper reaching it's limit. "Why don't you get off your ass and do something to get the others back here! I don't care whether you have a broken thumb or not!"

"I am doing something," Itachi insisted. "You just don't see it yet. I will get the others back."

"You better, or else I'll stuff that rubber ducky down your throat until you choke to death!" Lily threatened.

"Why are you so upset?" Itachi inquired, his voice portraying irritation.

"Thanksgiving is a week away," Lily snapped. "I don't want the girls to miss it."

"I'll try my best," Itachi promised.

oOoOoOoOo

Everyone was huddled in the Akatsuki hide out the next day, for the rain was too bad to do any training. The thunderstorm was the worst one yet, and even with every single soul in the common area (including Pablo II), Clari jumped five feet in the air every time the thunder clapped.

Jaye sighed morosely and glanced at Pablo II. He was okay, but he was no Pablo. She glanced up and caught Kisame staring at the goldfish too. Scowling, she moved the bowl away from him. "Don't even think about it."

"I wasn't!" Kisame retorted.

"You're just lucky you didn't have to buy me a shark," Jaye remarked.

"I wasn't going to buy you a shark anyway. Where would you put it?" Kisame challenged.

"It didn't have to be a big shark," Jaye said.

"Tobi thinks all this talk about sharks is making Pablo-chan nervous," Tobi said, poking the glass fishbowl.

"Don't poke the glass!" Jaye roared.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"I'm fucking bored!" Hidan complained. "I don't care if I get wet! Let's go train!"

Thunder boomed again, shaking the walls of the hide out haphazardly and causing Clari cover her ears. Deidara put an arm around her consolingly, but quickly removed it when Pein shot daggers at him.

"I don't think it's getting wet everybody's worried about," Jaye explained. "It's getting struck by lightning."

"Lightning-shmightning," Hidan said, waving a hand dismissively.

"Fine, you go train and see what happens," Jaye challenged.

"I will!" Hidan accepted, standing and grabbing his scythe. They heard his footsteps fade away and the door to the hide out close. Pein shook his head as Jaye chuckled.

"What an idiot," she snorted.

"Do you really think he's going to get struck by lightning?" Kakuzu inquired, raising his eyebrows.

"He's carrying around a huge metal scythe," Jaye said. "If that doesn't scream '_strike me,_' then I don't know what does."

The room trembled with the force of the next roll of thunder. Several seconds later, there was another crash that caused everyone, not just Clari, to jump. It wasn't thunder. It was the door slamming shut. Hidan stormed into the room and gave them all a condescending glare, daring them to say anything. He looked like a character from a cartoon who just got blasted with fire. His robe was sizzling and smoking, his hair blackened and sticking up in every direction. Jaye's premonition had been right. Hidan had been electrocuted by lightning. If he wasn't immortal, he'd probably be dead, but that was the least of everyone's concerns.

"Pfffthahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Jaye guffawed, leading the boisterous laughter that followed. Hidan roared and swung his scythe around, humiliated into anger. Jaye barely dodged it. She was still wheezing with laughter. "I can't believe...you actually got struck by lightning!"

"Shut up, bitch!" Hidan spit, preparing to swing the scythe at her again.

"Enough, Hidan," Pein said sternly.

Hidan sneered at Jaye as he walked back to his room, dragging the scythe behind him. Jaye snickered and stuck her tongue out at him.

"H-he actually got struck by lightning..." Clari murmured, staring after him wide-eyed.

"That's because he's an idiot," Jaye repeated. "He was asking for it."

Thunder interjected once more. Clari squeaked and grabbed the nearest person, who (of course) happened to be Deidara. He hesitantly put his arm around her again, giving Pein a nervous glance. Clari had thought yesterday's thunderstorm was bad, but today's was ten times worse. Not only was the thunder louder and fiercer than before, but it came more frequently as well. And now her fears had only been confirmed by Hidan's episode. No amount of people in the room could sooth her now.

Tobi randomly stood up and left the room without a word.

Hidan came back, looking relatively unscathed except for several burns on his face and hands. Jaye suspected there were more hidden underneath his clothes...but she didn't want to think about that.

Everyone was idle when Tobi skipped back into the common area, carrying something in his hands. He stopped in front of Clari and revealed a deflated, white balloon. She watched in befuddlement as he blew it up and tied it to a string. He produced a black marker from his pocket and scribbled something on the other side so she couldn't see. When he turned it around, she saw it was a simple smiley face; something a kindergartner could have drawn.

"This is for you, Clari-chan," Tobi said, handing her the string attached to the balloon.

"Thanks, Tobi..." Clari said, assuming this was the masked-man's way of trying to cheer her up.

"That is Bobo-chan," Tobi continued. "He will protect you from thunder!"

"Oh...okay," Clari said, trying to hide her amusement. "That's, uh, very nice of...Bobo."

Tobi nodded and sat back down.

They never suspected the secret terror of Bobo the Balloon.

oOoOoOoOo

After many hours sitting with the others in the common area, Hidan's burns began to itch. Thanks to his "immortality," wounds tended to heal faster than they would on a normal person, therefore further heightening the discomfort caused by healing. As he scratched absentmindedly at his arm, Jaye leaned away with a disgusted look on her face.

"What, bitch?" he snapped.

"Hidan...you're bleeding," she replied, gesturing to the place on his arm that he had been scratching. His shirt was indeed soaked with blood. Irritated, he swore and proclaimed that he was going to get a shower, not only to rinse the blood off but to use the special herbal body soap that Zetsu had concocted to lessen the itching caused by Hidan's amplified healing ability.

"Jaye, Hidan's in the shower," Kakuzu chuckled. "Just so you know."

"Yes, I'm aware!" Jaye shouted, her face flaming. "And he walked in on me, dumbass!"

"I never did get to hear that story." Clari's voice came from the pile of blankets beside Deidara.

"Yeah, and you're not going to!"

The group lapsed back into silence.

"Hidan sure is taking a long time..." Kisame mumbled, resting his chin on his hand.

"What, do you time his showers or something?" Jaye remarked.

"No, I'm just saying..."

Hidan _was _taking longer than usual, because the soap eased the pain so much. He let out a sigh of relief. Zetsu was a genius; at least when it came to plants. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel, wincing as the coarse fabric grazed his burns. _Damn bitch_, he thought, tying the towel around his waist. _Jinxing me so I get struck by lightning_.

He opened the door and jumped back with a loud profanity. "Shit! Tobi, what the fuck is your stupid balloon doing over here?"

"It's not Tobi's balloon, it's Clari-chan's! And his name is Bobo-chan!" Tobi called. He gave Clari a sniff. "How could you lose Bobo-chan?"

"Sorry, Tobi, I thought he was over here," Clari apologized.

"It's kinda creepy," Hidan muttered, blocking out their boring conversation. The white balloon floated in mid-air, the same height as Hidan. It's blank, eternally gleeful stare was nothing less of disturbing. Gulping, Hidan grabbed the string on which the balloon was connected to and dragged it into the common room, handing it to Clari. "Here! Next time I'll pop it!"

"No!" Tobi cried.

"Bastard! Get some fucking clothes on!" Jaye ordered, shielding her scarlet face and covering Pablo II's eyes.

"Does this bring back memories?" Kakuzu snickered.

"No, I just don't feel comfortable with him going around half-naked!" Jaye defended.

"Then you must feel uncomfortable around him a lot," Kakuzu pointed out.

"Go fuck yourself! Hidan, go get some clothes on!"

Hidan wheeled around and disappeared down the hallway, slamming the door to his room shut. Clari inspected Bobo the Balloon suspiciously while everyone ridiculed Jaye. _How did you get all the way down that hallway? _she wondered. When she received no answer other than Bobo's usual happy grin, she shrugged and accused a draft or Bobo simply drifting away of his own accord. She carefully knotted his string around a lamp and snuggled closer to Deidara.

oOoOoOoOo

After getting on clothes as Jaye suggested, Hidan sighed and opened the door of his bedroom. There, bobbing in the doorway, was Bobo the Balloon.

"GAH!" Hidan screamed, jumping backwards into his scythe. It fell to the ground with a metallic clang, barely avoiding cutting Hidan's head off (again). He scowled at the balloon and picked up his scythe, leaning it back against the wall where it belonged. "Damn balloon."

Bobo floated emotionlessly, staring at Hidan with his blank eyes. Hidan gave it a measured look, studying the marker face closely. He shook his head after a second or two, grabbing the string again and tugging it down the hallway. "You really are a creepy fucking balloon. Bitch!" he called, stepping into the common area. Automatically, Jaye turned her head and glared at him, since this was his normal way of addressing her.

"What do you want, bastard?"

"No, not you! The other bitch!" Hidan said, gesturing to the pile of blankets that was Clari. Her head popped out from the immense mass, curious. Hidan showed her the balloon, which retained it's joyful expression throughout the conversation. "What did I tell you? I found it again, so now I'm gonna pop it."

"Was that what that scream was?" Kisame chortled. "I thought it was a little girl."

"You'd know what that sounds like, wouldn't you?" Hidan retorted.

"Not funny."

"Anyway, I'm gonna pop it," Hidan continued, giving Clari a pointed look.

"Why? I thought I tied it to the lamp," Clari said.

"Yeah, I saw her, un," Deidara agreed.

"Well, when I walked out of my room it was floating there. This thing deserves to be popped anyway. It's fucking creepy," Hidan added, giving the balloon a well deserved shudder.

"Hidan, it's a balloon," Jaye pointed out incredulously. "Balloons are the very essence of fun. How the hell could it be creepy?"

"It is," Hidan said. "Just look at it."

The room was quiet as they all observed Bobo drift up and down and gaze motionlessly back at them. Kisame shrugged. "It looks like a regular balloon to me."

"Well, it's stalking me and - "

"Who would want to stalk you?" Jaye interrupted.

"Shut up, bitch! I'm gonna pop this fucking balloon because I think it's creepy and it's stalking me!" Hidan cried, whipping a needle out of nowhere.

"Where did you get that from?" Jaye inquired.

"...I really don't know," Hidan said, looking at the needle in bewilderment.

"You're the one who's creepy."

Hidan shook his head and drew back the needle, ready to inject it into the balloon's fragile surface.

"Noooo!" Tobi cried, leaping onto Hidan's back and attempting to take the needle from him.

"What the - dammit! Tobi, get the fuck off me!" Hidan shouted, spinning around in circles in order to disorient the masked man.

"No! Tobi cannot let Hidan-san kill Bobo-chan!" Tobi declared courageously.

"It's not a person! It's a balloon!"

"He's Bobo-chan!"

The struggle ended when Tobi grasped the needle and removed himself from Hidan's back, holding it up victoriously. "Ah ha! Tobi got the needle! Bobo-chan is saved!"

"Not for long!" Hidan said, poising his foot over the helpless balloon and bringing it down.

"NOOO!" Tobi screamed.

"Hidan, cut it out!" Clari said, giving Tobi a pitiful glance.

Suddenly, there was a deafening crack of thunder and the lights all went out, leaving everyone in utter blackness.

"We're all gonna die!" Clari shouted with a note of hysteria.

"We're not gonna die!" Jaye snapped. "Get a grip, Clari!"

"Where are the candles?" Pein inquired.

"I believe they're in the drawer beside Kisame," Kakuzu answered.

"I got them," Kisame replied. There was a heavy, hollow thud and a splash.

"Kisame! You knocked over Pablo's bowl!" Jaye yelled. There was a smacking sound followed by a protest from Kisame.

"We'll get him when Kisame lights the candles," Pein said.

"Where are the matches?" Kisame asked.

"Over here," Deidara said.

"...Of course they are," Jaye said.

"Hand them over here," Kisame said.

"I can't see you, un," Deidara snapped.

"I'm right in front of you!"

There were scuffling sounds as Deidara felt around for Kisame's hand. Clari suddenly yelped in what sounded like a mixture of surprise and offense. "Oh, sorry," Deidara said.

There was another smacking sound.

"Ow, un!"

"Oh, sorry," Pein said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Thank you!" Kisame said, finally receiving the matches. He lit the candle and the room was filled with a dim, fiery glow. Jaye frantically searched for Pablo II and plopped him in what little water was left in the bowl.

"Water!" she shouted. "I need water!"

She exited the room with her fish.

"What did you do with Bobo-chan?" Tobi interrogated, glaring at Hidan beneath his mask.

"You're worried about that _now_?" Deidara growled, irritated as usual by his childish partner.

"Uh..." Hidan said. They all glanced at him inquisitively, for there was little that could render Hidan speechless. "I didn't pop the balloon yet..."

However, there was no balloon anywhere in sight.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye filled the fishbowl to the brim with water and sat the fishbowl on the counter with worry, staring at Pablo II. She really hoped he hadn't been stunned to death. That would've been horrible.

Luckily, after a prolonged pause, Pablo II started darting around in the fishbowl. Jaye sighed in relief and gave Pablo II an approving smile. "You're tough," she said. "I guess you're cooler than I thought. C'mon, let's go give Kisame hell."

She decided to leave Pablo II in the kitchen, however, so he didn't almost get squished again. Whistling, she turned around on her heel and started back towards the common area.

Bobo the Ballon was blocking her way, smiling at her with malice.

"AAAH!" she screamed, leaping back as Hidan had done. "Damn balloon! You scared the shit out of me! Maybe I should pop you."

Instead, she grasped the string tightly in her hand and tugged it back into the common area, figuring that Tobi (and possibly even Clari) would be upset if she popped it. But when she entered the room with the balloon in tow, the others shrank before it.

"Get that thing away!" Hidan cried. "It's possessed!"

"Possessed?" Jaye said, glancing at the simple white balloon.

"Yeah! It's haunted!"

"Haunted? By what?"

"A ghost! A demon!" Kakuzu accused.

"So, you're telling me that a demon possessed this balloon?" Jaye said, sarcasm dripping in every word.

"Yes! Now get that thing away from here! Pop it!" Hidan urged.

Jaye smiled. This could be fun. "Pop it? But wouldn't that release the demon?"

The group seriously considered this new approach.

"Oh for goodness sake!" Clari snapped. "Just pop it, Jaye! You and I both know there's no demon!"

"I don't know, Clari," Jaye continued. "It could be a storm demon!"

Pein glared at Jaye. "That's not funny. Everyone knows there's no such thing as a storm demon. Bobo is probably possessed by a thunder demon."

"Not you too!" Clari cried, defeated.

"That's right!" Jaye laughed. "A thunder demon!"

"Am I the only one with any sense here?" Clari asked, but her powerful declaration was diminished by the pronounced pang of fear she displayed at the next boom of thunder.

"You can't blame us for being scared of a demon, un," Deidara pointed out, gesturing to her hands, which were clinging to his arm. Clari gave him a heated scowl before removing herself from his person sharply.

"There's only one way to get rid of this thunder demon," Jaye announced with authority.

"What is it, Jaye-chan?" said Tobi, for even he was along for the ride if it meant getting rid of the demon.

"An exorcism." Jaye's devious answer was only accentuated by a sudden streak of lightning and crack of thunder, until everyone was quivering in their seats.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye waited until the thunderstorm was at it's very worst, so Clari would be too frightened for criticism. She explained to the Akatsuki that she had to wait until there was enough thunder to release the thunder demon. When thunder was echoing through the room every minute and Clari was well buried in her pile of blankets, keeping someone (usually Deidara or Jaye) glued to her side at all times, Jaye began preparations.

"Okay, someone needs to keep hold of Bobo while we get ready."

"Get all the mirrors in the hide out and lay them in a circle on the floor."

"Someone get the candles and lay them in another circle, outside the mirrors...Kakuzu, that's a square."

"Alright, now does anyone have Holy water? No? Well, I guess some of Hidan's blood will do."

"Hey, what are you doing with my scythe - Ow! Fuck you, bitch!"

Jaye had absolutely no idea what she was doing, however the resulting atmosphere was sufficiently terrifying. There were two rings in the middle of the room, the outer made of candles and the inner made by mirrors. There was also some of Hidan's blood on the floor, but he wouldn't let Jaye make a whole ring with it. In the middle Bobo bobbed, weighted down by a rock. Jaye instructed everyone to make a circle around Bobo, and the Akatsuki did so with hesitation. The only ones who didn't were Pein, who refused to take part in such a foolish activity, Tobi, who simply couldn't fit in the circle, Clari, who was too scared to even move, and Deidara, who was Clari's victim of choice in that particular moment.

"Alright," Jaye said after everyone was situated and holding hands. "Now, I'm going to banish the thunder demon from the balloon. Everyone, be silent." She cleared her throat before beginning. "Oh, evil thunder demon - "

" - eth," Hidan interrupted.

"What?" Jaye snapped.

"Demoneth. You have to end every word with -eth, right?"

"Hidan, shut up. I know what I'm doing."

"No, she doesn't," Clari mumbled from her corner in the room.

"Don't make me sic the thunder demon on you," Jaye threatened.

Clari was silent.

Jaye cleared her throat. "Oh, evil thunder demon! Remove thyself from this humble abode immediately! We banish you to the Underworld, where thee shall sit, or...uh...float...for all of eternity! Go back, I say!"

She ceremoniously repeated the words thrice. Then, she waited for an agonizingly loud boom of thunder and sighed as if the ritual was over and had actually taken effort to complete. "There. The demon is gone."

"Really? That seems anti-climatic," Kisame remarked.

"What were you expecting? The demon to come out and eat someone's face off?" Jaye retorted.

"Not exactly, but that would be really cool!"

"...You're disturbing."

"What do we do with this thing?" Hidan inquired, tugging at Bobo's string.

"It's probably wise to get rid of the balloon, just in case," Jaye said. "Someone should let it go outside."

Tobi volunteered and grabbed Bobo. He walked to the door and opened it, revealing the massive thunderstorm outside. Rain poured in and wind roared, nearly knocking over the bamboozled Tobi. Lightning erupted into the sky, followed by thunder so loud that it rattled the house. Clari's hysterical voice could be heard over the howling wind. "Close the damn door! Close it now!"

Tobi's fingers slipped from the string, causing Bobo to ride the gusts of wind and bound over the heads of the spectators. Everyone screamed and swung at the ghastly balloon, attempting to get the flash of white plastic away from them. It spiraled to the ceiling with flourish, gazing at all of them with it's creepy grin before swooping past Tobi and back out the door, into the angry, swirling thunderclouds above. Tobi scurried to shut the door, abruptly ending the whirlwind and leaving them all gasping for breath.

"That...was...terrifying..." Jaye said, her eyes wide.

"Shit!" Deidara swore. "Clari's crying, un!"

"No I'm not!" Clari sniffed. "I have something in my eye!"

"I think we should all go to sleep," Pein declared. "Now that the thunder demon is gone."

The idea was unanimously accepted, and, after Deidara was rejected by a trembling Clari several times, everyone departed to their separate rooms.

oOoOoOoOo

"Are you sure you're alright, Clari?"

"Yes, I'm fine. It's hardly even thundering anymore." Clari said to Jaye as they climbed into their beds.

"I won't hold it against you if you go sleep with Deidara, you know."

"You just want the good mattress."

Jaye gave her a shocked look. "Clari! I would never take advantage of your fear like that!"

"Whatever," Clari snorted. "You didn't have any trouble earlier during your 'exorcism.' "

"You can't deny it wasn't cool," Jaye urged.

"I can, actually! The exorcism itself was boring, but you just _had_ to have Tobi open the door. What the hell were you thinking? Not only did you take advantage of mine, and the Akatsuki's fears, but you had to make it worse by scaring us half to death!"

"I'm sorry I made you cry, Clari," Jaye said sincerely. "I didn't realize that the storm would be so bad."

"That's not the point! And I didn't cry," Clari added.

"Riiight."

"Just go to bed, you filthy creature," Clari spat, slamming her head down on the pillow and curling up under the blankets.

Jaye inspected her arm. "I think I'm quite clean, actually."

This received no reply from Clari, so Jaye assumed that the conversation was officially over. She, too, closed her eyes and went to sleep. Little did she know what was awaiting her the next morning.

oOoOoOoOo

**The story behind Bobo the Balloon is this:**

**When exploring the massive mounds of stuff that can be found in the landfill known as my bedroom, I discovered a white balloon. Out of complete and utter boredom, I blew up the balloon and drew a face on it with marker, similar to something like this: =) **

**I named him Greg.**

**Later that night, when I was laying down to go to sleep, the balloon just floated there, staring at me. I don't have any particular fear of balloons or clowns or anything of that sort (though I do find dolls a bit creepy...), but Greg was just downright frightening. **

**I popped him without hesitation.**

**So you see, I get a lot of my stories from my life. Which is interesting, because my own life isn't nearly as exciting as Clari's and Jaye's are in this story. You can tell because I update so often. My life is pretty uneventful. I guess you can say that I exaggerate the few entertaining moments in my life in this story. Exaggeration makes everything better. :)**


	11. DNA and Frosted Cookies

******Chapter Ten: DNA and Frosted Cookies**

* * *

When Jaye woke up the next morning, she sat up and stretched with a mighty yawn and looked about the room to see if Clari was still asleep or not. As she rubbed the blurriness from her vision and gave attention to her surroundings, she realized two very important things:

1) Clari was not in the room.

2) Bobo the Balloon was floating beside her bed.

With a scream, Jaye scurried backwards and fell off the bed, bumping her head on the wall in her attempt to get away from the possessed balloon. A deep, demonic voice emitted from the other side of the bed where Bobo bobbed.

"Jayden Itishi," it boomed. "For your foolish attempt at banishing me, a feared thunder demon, from my host, Bobo the Balloon, I hereby sentence you to a life in Hell, where you will rot forever!"

Jaye was trembling. What the fuck? There was no thunder demon! And that stupid balloon flew out of the door and into a storm yesterday! How on earth was it sentencing her to Hell?

She got her answer soon enough. It came in the form of laughter.

"Aw! You ruined it, un!" Deidara cried. "I was just getting to the good part!"

"I-I'm sorry," Clari chuckled, revealing herself. "I just...couldn't control myself. The look on her face was priceless!"

"Bitches!" Jaye hissed, jumping to her feet. "That was just cruel and unusual!"

"It was payback," Deidara said, pressing his palm against the replacement Bobo and effectively popping the balloon. "Clari told me about how you lied yesterday, un."

"Why?" Jaye whined.

"I needed someone to be the thunder demon's voice," Clari explained. "I knew that if I did it, you would recognize me."

"That was mean, Clari," Jaye sniffed. "I can't believe you would pull a prank on me."

"It was payback," Clari repeated, giving Deidara a high-five. "If you had seen the expression on your face, you would have understood."

"Whatever! I was just surprised," Jaye shrugged.

Clari giggled. "You were getting ready to pee your pants! Don't lie!"

"You're lucky you're my cousin," Jaye threatened, shoving them out of her way as she dramatically exited the room.

"What about me, un?"

"You have no such luck. I shall get my revenge!"

"I'm shaking."

"You should be."

oOoOoOoOo

"IIITAAAACHIIIII!" Lily cried, tearing through the living room where the three Akatsuki members sat and pointing a finger at the man in question. "What are you doing?"

"Watching television," Itachi replied.

Konan and Zetsu glanced at each other.

Lily's face became a dangerous shade of purple. "Watching. Television. Watching television? It is two days before Thanksgiving! You should not be watching television! You should be working to get my girls back here!"

"I agree," Bear sighed mournfully. "I miss my Queen."

Itachi stood and stared into Lily's eyes. They were the exact same height. Though this realization would normally entertain Lily, her fierce scowl was unwavering. Itachi, only seeing that look on one other face, did the same thing he would do if it were that particular person yelling at him. He took the first two fingers of his hand and jabbed Lily in the forehead, gently. "Tomorrow, I will."

He took his leave.

"_Tomorrow, I will_," Lily mocked, fuming. She stormed up to her room and slammed the door.

There was silence as Konan and Zetsu watched TV.

"Konan," Zetsu said suddenly. "Do you ever wonder about Pein and Clari?"

"Wonder? About what?" Konan inquired.

"If they are blood related or not," Zetsu continued. "We never really did find out."

"They can't be. Emi was pregnant before she met us," Konan lied.

Zetsu gave her a look. "No, she wasn't."

"Yes, she was."

"There's no use lying to me, Konan. _I know the truth_."

Konan sighed. "How do you know?"

"I didn't," Zetsu smiled. "It was just a lucky guess. _But thank you for confirming it for me_."

Konan scowled, betrayed.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I'm just curious for the truth. No one really knows who the father is, except Emi. _But of course, we all know what happened to her_," Zetsu rambled.

"Why are you so concerned about it?" Konan snapped. "It's not like we can ever find out."

"_Oh, but we can_," Zetsu grinned wickedly.

"...How?" Konan asked. She, too, was rather curious. Though she was rather afraid of the answer.

Zetsu gestured to the show they were watching. Konan hadn't really been paying attention to it, but now she did. It was one of those shows that do DNA testing to settle disputes between couples and to determine who the father of a baby was. After watching several minutes of the painfully exaggerated drama, Konan raised her eyebrows at Zetsu. "You want them to go on that show?"

"No, of course not. It would exploit Pein's identity. However, we could do DNA testing," he said.

Konan quirked an eyebrow. She didn't know much about DNA and things like that, but she was pretty sure you couldn't just order a DNA test on a whim. Besides, you needed some sort of spit or hair to get DNA, right?

Zetsu, in reply to her inquisitive expression, pulled two vials from his pocket. One contained spiky orange hair and the other a longer strand of brown hair. "You are one freaky dude," Konan said. Zetsu shrugged and put the vials back in his pocket. Konan crossed her arms and frowned. "Okay, so you've got the samples. But how are you going to do the test?"

"I already have," Zetsu said.

Konan blinked, shocked. "You have? How?"

"While you and Lily were at work, and Itachi was taking a walk, I went to the hospital and used to machines there. It was similar to the things we use in our world, and I only had to injure one doctor. I consider it quite the success."

"Do you have the papers?"

"Yes."

"...And...?"

"I haven't looked at them yet," Zetsu responded.

"Why?"

"Because, I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Also, I figured you should be the first to look at them since...well...you know..." Zetsu trailed off. Konan raised her eyebrows, prompting him to continue. He fingered the collar of his shirt before leaning in and whispering, "I know about the underwear."

Konan's eyebrows shot up further. "Underwear? What underwear?"

"You know...the underwear in Pein's room..."

"I've never left any underwear in Pein's room!" Konan sputtered, blushing.

"_For a ninja, you really are a horrible liar_," Zetsu said, shaking his head. He reached into his pocket, turned the envelope over in his hands, and waved her over.

Konan read over his shoulder as he carefully unfolded the papers inside and lazily swept his eyes over the results. Konan, who did not understand any of it, poked his shoulder. "Well? What does it say?"

Zetsu pointed to the bottom of the paper, where it told you how similar the DNA was. Konan snatched the paper from his hands and gazed at the little sentence, her face frozen into an expression of comprehension.

"Holy shit."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari and Jaye were splayed out on the grass of the field, watching the flat gray sky above them. It was getting ready to drizzle, but the Akatsuki still trained. It seemed as though they did nothing but train. It was incredibly dull, but it was better than being inside the hide out, where it was even duller. Both of the girls secretly wished that Itachi would hurry up and get them home. They liked the _Naruto_ world (or at least Jaye did; between the kidnapping and the thunderstorm, Clari was beginning to despise it) but they were just so bored. Perhaps Hidan and Deidara would take them to another festival...

However, Pein didn't give them this option. After much consideration, he'd finally decided that work could be put off no longer. The only two remaining teams, Tobi and Deidara and Hidan and Kakuzu, were going on missions.

"What about us?" Kisame, Jaye, and Clari exclaimed at the same time.

"You will not be going on any missions," Pein said blandly. "Kisame, you have no partner, and girls...well, you have no training."

"But we're bored!" Jaye cried. "We have to do something!"

"I'm sure that we could be of some help," Clari insisted. "What are the missions?"

"Hidan and Kakuzu will be collecting money and gathering information," Pein said. "And Deidara and Tobi will be stealing something for a client."

"I'm good at gathering information!" Jaye cried. "I could help!"

"Yeah, and I could...um..." Clari stuttered, frowning. She wasn't social like Jaye, and she'd never stolen anything, so she wasn't sure what help she would be in these missions.

"Clari-chan could be a distraction!" Tobi proposed. "She could help us distract the guards while we infiltrate the house and steal the monkey!"

Clari wasn't sure what she was more surprised about: the fact that Tobi had used the word "infiltrate" in a sentence or the fact that they were stealing a monkey.

Pein still resisted. "No, I don't think so..."

"Come on! We'll be much more use to them than we will be here, pestering you!" Jaye pointed out. "And these aren't even dangerous missions, not really. Please, can we go? Pleeeeaase!"

"I...guess you can," Pein sighed, defeated.

"Yeah!" Clari and Jaye cheered, high-fiving.

"What about me?" Kisame cried.

"You will stay here," Pein said. "Four people on a mission is just too much."

"But - "

"You can take care of Pablo II for me," Jaye grinned. "Just don't eat him."

Kisame scowled. "You can go to - "

" - pack!" Clari finished, smiling. "Let's go pack!"

The girls ran upstairs to do so, leaving both Pein and Kisame to bask in their defeat.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye, Hidan, and Kakuzu traveled down a long dirt road to the town. Their mission was simple: to go from town to town, gathering money and information on rival ninjas. Kakuzu would handle the money part; it was Jaye's and Hidan's job to handle information.

"How far are we walking?" Jaye asked.

"You're complaining already?" Hidan cried.

"No, I'm just wondering. There's no need to get so fucking defensive."

"The farthest town is about fifty miles away," Kakuzu said. "Well stop about halfway tonight and then continue tomorrow. We should be back at the hide out by then."

"Tomorrow? Really? That's a short mission," Jaye said, sighing. She was hoping for something a little more substantial, so she wouldn't be bored for much longer.

"Yeah, well, I think Pein is counting on Itachi having you guys home by then," Kakuzu said.

"Having _us_ home?" Jaye said. "You mean you guys aren't coming?"

"Well, of course not!" Hidan said. "If Itachi does his damn job, there won't be any need for us to! Konoha won't be able to bother you anymore."

"Oh," Jaye said. "Well, you guys should visit for Christmas, at least. Or Thanksgiving."

"I'm a Jashinist!" Hidan declared. "I don't celebrate those!"

"Hidan, do you even have holidays as a Jashinist?" Jaye inquired.

"Hell yes! We have...um..." Hidan thought. "Actually, I don't think we do. But my religion is so fucking awesome, I don't need holidays!"

"There he goes again, talking about his stupid religion..." Kakuzu sighed.

"Bitch started it!"

"Isn't there a religion based on money?"

"I don't think so, but with your dedication to it you could probably start one," Jaye said.

"True," Kakuzu said thoughtfully.

They made it to the first town, the small one that held the festival Jaye and Hidan and Deidara and Clari had attended. Kakuzu went off to do his own thing, telling them to stay in the pub until he arrived. Hidan walked right in, but Jaye was hesitant.

"What, bitch?" Hidan asked impatiently.

"I'm not old enough to drink," Jaye said.

"Just don't drink anything alcoholic. Come on," Hidan said, leaving her standing in the entrance. She scowled after him and followed.

The bar was friendly enough. Everyone seemed to know one another, and everything was clean. Jaye, who had never had any cause to go into a bar and therefore had never actually entered one, found it comforting. She and Hidan sat down and asked for something to eat and drink. To her surprise, Hidan only ordered a water.

"I can't drink on the job," he explained miserably.

"What exactly are we doing?" Jaye asked, looking around. Most of the guys were friendly, open faces. No one really shady.

"We're gathering information. Basically, you just listen and if you hear someone say something valuable or interesting, you talk to them," Hidan said, scarfing down his food as soon as it hit the table. Jaye stared at him, disgusted. She kept an ear on other conversations.

"Yeah, the bills are hard now..."

"I can't believe he would break up with me!"

"Yes! I win! You owe me a drink..."

"Do you think these pants make me look fat?"

Jaye sighed and picked at her food. No one had anything particularly interesting to say, and Hidan was so absorbed in his food that she doubted he would have noticed if anyone had said anything. This time she openly stated her opinion on his repulsive table manners.

"Deal with it, bitch," he scowled.

"I'm just saying..."

"Shh!" Hidan hushed, suddenly attentive. Jaye pricked an ear, trying to tune in to what he was hearing. He got up and left her, plopping himself next to a man with a forehead protector that Jaye couldn't read the symbol of and the ninja he was talking to. Hidan talked and laughed and bought them drinks; completely friendly, absolutely unsuspicious, utterly cheerful. Jaye was stunned to see him in such a different light and it weirded her out.

Someone tapped on her shoulder. She jumped and turned to see Kakuzu.

"Shouldn't you be eavesdropping on someone else?" Kakuzu said, sliding into Hidan's seat and giving the remnants of the food a leer.

"I was!"

"No, you were staring at Hidan. What use are you if you're doing that?"

Jaye ignored him. "Did you have any issues getting the money?"

"No, everything went fine. I suggest that you keep your voice down, though. We aren't the only ones who are on missions," Kakuzu warned.

"Sorry," Jaye sighed. "Still new at this."

"We should leave," Kakuzu said, standing.

"Wouldn't it be weird if I came in with Hidan and left with you?" Jaye inquired.

"Not if you want to pay the bill."

"Good point. I'm coming."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari and Tobi dangled their feet over the side of the giant clay bird, listening to Deidara's plan. It mostly involved bursting into the building and blowing up anyone who got in their way. It wouldn't be a good plan on a regular basis, and Tobi pointed out that "blowing things up and asking questions later" would be dangerous for Clari. While Deidara sulked, Tobi and Clari came up with a healthy, though not nearly as explosive, alternative.

"So what is this about stealing a monkey?" Clari asked. "That seems like an odd thing to steal."

Deidara explained that the target was a valuable ivory monkey, probably worth millions. If the client hadn't been offering at least twice that, then they wouldn't have bothered delivering it to him at all. "It must be a family heirloom or something, un."

"If it's a family heirloom, then how did it get to the other guy's house?"

The client, whoever he was, had told them about that too. The monkey had been stolen from his great-great-great-grandfather long ago in a bet. True to his word, the grandfather gave his competitor the monkey. However, it was discovered that the competitor had cheated, but when the grandfather asked for the monkey back, he was refused. Generations past, the ancestors didn't hire force to take the monkey back. But the client figured that there was no harm, and that the valuable monkey was rightfully his.

"That's strange," Clari insisted. "All this trouble for one little statue. Who is this client, anyway?"

"We don't ask questions, un," Deidara said. "We just do what we're told."

"So you have no idea?"

"Nope."

"What about the target? Who's he?"

The target was a rich man who lived in a mansion and had guards on every perimeter of his land, as well as butlers and maids trained in the art of karate. He was secretive and had no friends, but plenty of defense. They didn't have a blueprint to the mansion and they didn't have any inside sources. The only thing that they did have was information regarding his favorite food.

"Cookies?" Clari questioned as they landed the bird.

"Yes, cookies. Apparently he orders them from this restaurant every single day around this time. All we have to do is intercept the delivery person, steal their uniform and the cookies, and then Clari can deliver them while Tobi and I sneak in the house, un."

"Look! There she is!" Tobi alerted, pointing to a figure moving through the woods. Clari took one look at the outfit in which the server was dressed and shook her head.

"No, I refuse," she objected.

"Too late, un," Deidara smirked, poising to attack the girl. "You're the only girl on the team, and you're the only one that will fit."

With that, he darted away to retrieve the cookies and the uniform. Several uncomfortable minutes later, Clari was dressed in what was only a few ruffles short of a pink maid's outfit, holding a platter of iced cookies.

"You two owe me big time," she blushed as they chuckled to themselves.

"You look fine," Deidara said.

"I look like a freaking Playboy bunny!"

"You look fine, but you don't look _that_ fine, un."

Clari was tempted to throw the cookies at him.

"You won't have to wear it for long, Clari-chan," Tobi said.

"We better get going, so he doesn't get suspicious," Deidara said. "We're pretty close the the mansion; only about a quarter of a mile away. I couldn't fly any longer without alerting anybody."

They walked. Deidara went out of his way to comment on Clari's outfit, and if the remarks didn't earn him a lethal glare, they earned him a blush which he didn't fail to point out only made her more adorable. He was really enjoying himself, more so than he should.

"One of these days, I'm gonna stick you in a dress and see how you like it," Clari threatened after yet another crack at the outfit that sent the blood rushing to her cheeks.

Deidara did not find this very amusing.

When they finally caught a glimpse of the mansion, Tobi and Deidara slipped away to prepare for infiltration while Clari finished the journey with the cookies by herself. The relief in not having to listen to Deidara's comments died away at the sight of the ominous house and it's guards which flanked every inch of a towering iron gate. Clari gulped and idly wondered how on earth she was supposed to do this.

"D-delivery," she said nervously to the guard at the front gate.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I work at the cookie place down the street. Your boss orders from there every day."

"Where's Yuki?"

_Crap!_ Clari thought. _That must be the girl we knocked out. Is this guy really rich enough to have the same server deliver his cookies every day? _But as she thought about it, the name tag they had removed from the uniform had read "Hi, my name is Ren." Perhaps this was some kind of test...she decided to go with it, and said to the guard: "You mean Ren? She was sick today, so I came in her place."

"Your name?" the guard asked, his eyes twinkling with acceptance.

"Emi," Clari said immediately.

The guard nodded and opened the gate for her, urging her forward. She padded down the long sidewalk, clutching the platter of cookies in her hands. What to expect when she knocked on that door, she didn't know. She wished Deidara and Tobi had told her more.

Nervously shifting the cookies to one hand, she knocked on the door.

* * *

**Bum bum BUUUM! Cliffhanger(s)! **

**Sorry for the delay on this chapter. I've been extraordinarily busy lately (I know, it's a worn excuse, but it's true in this case). I also caught this horrible disease called _laziness_. It's terrible to have, really. Fatigue, unwillingness to do work, and a compulsion to lay in bed and do nothing are all symptoms. If you think you might have _laziness_, then please go to your nearest shop and purchase a caffeinated beverage. Remember: it's contagious. **

**But I'm all better now, so writing shall commence! :)**


	12. UltraSuper Bonus Chapter: Wonderland

**ATTENTION! PLEASE READ! **

**This is what you would call a "bonus chapter." Nothing in this chapter has anything to do with the previous story, nor will it effect future events. I figured that everyone could use a bit of a non-stop humorous treat right now, and, besides, every story needs an Alice in Wonderland parody, does it not? **

* * *

**Ultra-Super Bonus Chapter (of Awesomeness): Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (Akatsuki Style)**

* * *

One hot mid-summer day, a small figure sat on the banks of a river laying in the hot sun. It was a dreary day, one where the heat and the boredom suppress every thought that runs through a person's head until all that's left is the ability to look up at the sky and stare at the clouds drifting by. Which is exactly what our adorable little heroine was doing.

However, even the most sluggish of girls must jolt awake at the sound of their feared older sister's voice calling their name into the still summer afternoon. "Deidalice! Deidalice, where are you?"

Deidalice shook grass out of her long blonde hair and blinked her wide blue eyes, quivering in the recesses of her powder blue dress. How had Sissy found her? Alas, must her serene afternoon be ruined by such a terror as her older sister?

Deidalice, at a loss of what to do, fled the scene. She ran and ran, away from her fearsome sister. Finally, when she paused to breathe, she saw something that caught her eye. In the thistles of a blackberry bush, shaking in the blots of sun that filtered through the scant canopy, was a blue rabbit.

_How odd_, thought Deidalice, _I've never seen a rabbit so blue_. The blue rabbit caught Deidalice's eye and darted away with a flash of white tail. Deidalice loved animals, and chased after the blue rabbit. If she could only get a closer look so she could sculpt it later!

She followed the rabbit until it dove down a hole at the base of a gnarly tree. Deidalice dropped to her knees and peered down the hole. It was wide enough to let a person through, and deep enough that she couldn't see the bottom. The blue rabbit had completely disappeared. Curious, Deidalice leaned over the entrance, resting her weight on the soft earth surrounding the hole.

"Wait a second!" she said aloud, jumping backwards. "I'm not falling for that!"

Before the words had even finished leaving her mouth, Deidalice heard a screech that sent shivers down her spine. It emitted from where she had just been laying at the bank of a river. "Deidalice! I know you're out here! When I find you, I'll - "

Deidalice didn't wait to hear what her sister would do when she found her. Without a second thought, she scurried in the hole after the blue rabbit.

It seemed like the fall took forever. Deidalice cried out as she discovered there wasn't any ground beneath her feet, and that the hole in which she'd leaped into was much, much deeper than she could have ever imagined. She struggled to grab a hold on something, anything, however she could do nothing but watch the dot of sunlight shrink above her until it vanished completely.

As the walls of the cavern were swept into her vision, Deidalice could see that this was no ordinary hole. The walls were lined with bookshelves containing all sorts of odd things, from volumes as thick as a bricks to snowglobes that seemed to have somehow captured sunlight. Some items fell down the hole with her. She nearly died when a grand piano raced past her, into the shadows below.

With a splash, Deidalice finally landed in a pool of water. She burst from the surface, coughing and sputtering. There was no blue rabbit in sight, but that was least of her concerns. Not only had she just fallen an unimaginable distance, but she could see no immediate way to return. She'd only thought that she'd hide until her sister's fury passed, but this was not what she wanted.

She pulled herself from the water and looked around. She saw nothing but a tunnel to her right. There wasn't even a tunnel above her anymore; just flat, black rock. Shivering, she shuffled down the corridor.

Deidalice was dry by the time she spotted the light. With renewed hope, she sprinted towards the glow at the end of the dark tunnel. She would endure her sister if only it meant getting out of here!

The tunnel opened into what seemed to be a dilapidated ballroom. It was once splendid, but now everything was coated with dust and the heavy velvet curtains were grimy and the crystal chandelier's teardrop diamonds were cracked or shattered entirely. Doors of every shape and size lined the room. Besides those, the only thing in the room was a tiny table on which sat a brass key.

Deidalice took the key and tried to unlock every single door. When she finally made a complete circle about the room, all except for a door that wouldn't allow anything but her foot through, she discovered that the key opened it. Bending down, she closed one eye and looked inside.

There was a beautiful garden, one like she'd never seen before. It was only a fraction of what was there, and it took Deidalice's breath away. She needed to see the entire garden, and there was no way to do that except through this door.

Looking around, Deidalice saw nothing that could help her. Only a small glass vial that had appeared on the table, but it didn't surprise her. That was probably the least weird of things that's happened today. Now, how to get on the other side of that door...

With a shrug, Deidalice reached into her pocket and pulled out some firecrackers that she'd modified. She lit them with a match and tossed them before the door, running to the other side of the room and covering her ears. With a bang that made the chandelier shudder and flicker, the firecrackers went off. When Deidalice turned around, there was a gaping hole in the wall. The garden was hers.

Outside, the air was cool and damp, the ground soft and moist. Flora of every kind blossomed under the wealth of the soil and the nurturing of the sunny sky. Exotic creatures that Deidalice had never set eyes on fluttered and buzzed and hopped and galloped in and out of the intricate network of greenery.

Deidalice heard a timid voice. "Uhum. Excuse me."

She heard another, menacing voice. "_You're never going to get her attention that way! Hey, you! Yeah, the one with the stupid look on her face_!"

Deidalice turned, too shocked to glare. There were two tall flowers twisted together in their own little plot of land, looped together until the very top where their bulbs bloomed. The flowers were peculiar for this reason, and because they were completely drained of color. One had a black center with white petals, while the other had a white center and black petals. But perhaps the most disturbing thing about these flowers was that they both had an identical face growing from the center. Well, they would be identical if not for the expressions they wore. The black one was scowling; the white looked rather weary.

"Oh, you're so rude!" it cried. "This is why we never get visitors!"

"Y-you're flowers," Deidalice pointed out, shaking.

"_No shit, Sherlock_," the black flower snorted.

"Flowers don't talk!"

"_You really need mental help_."

"Oh! How mean of you to say that! You're going to scare her away!" The white flower looked at Deidalice apologetically. "I'm sorry he's so rude. It's just the way he is. Don't take it personally."

"I'm sorry, but this is just getting to weird for me," Deidalice declared, backing away. "I'm leaving."

"See what you do?" the white flower whined.

"_Whatever. Good riddance_."

"Wait!" This voice was different, a female voice. Deidalice turned to discover that the blue rabbit he'd been following was storming towards him. Only, this wasn't a blue rabbit anymore. It was a woman with blue hair and two fluffy, white rabbit ears peaking out from the top of her head. She scowled at Deidalice accusingly, as if she had done something horribly, horribly wrong. "You! I saw you earlier. Did you follow me here?"

"I - I - " Deidalice stuttered.

"You did, didn't you?"

"Now, let's don't go accusing people of things, Blue," the white flower said. "You're just as bad as Zetsu here."

"_Hey, now, let's not forget that I'm not the only Zetsu around_," the black Zetsu remarked.

Blue's rabbity ears twitched. "Come with me, you."

"Wait! We can't come!" White Zetsu called, leaning forward as far as he could go.

"_That's the point, smart one_," Black Zetsu sneered.

"You don't know how much trouble you've just caused me," Blue continued, towing Deidalice away from the garden and into a patch of towering trees. "Now we've got to register you in with the Queen, and that's not going to be fun. It never is."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a silky voice purred from the treetops.

"And why is that?" Blue said, halting and looking up. A figure appeared, sitting on a long branch. It seemed to be half-cat, half-girl. She had striped cat ears at the top of her head, to go with her striped cat tail and purple-black-brown striped hair. Her blue eyes were feline in nature, and she wore an unwavering grin. In a swirl of mist, she'd vanished from the tree to the ground in front of them.

"Because," she said, smiling. "The Queen is in a temper tantrum and refuses to see anyone. Not that anyone would want to see her, in that state. We all know how horrible the Queen's tantrums can be, don't we, Blue?"

Blue rolled her eyes. "Don't remind me, Clari."

"Who is this?" Clari asked, eying Deidalice.

"I don't know," Blue said, glancing at her.

"You were taking her to the Queen and you don't even know her name?"

"My name is Deidalice."

"Nice to meet you, Deidalice," Clari purred, holding out a hand. "I am the Claricat. You may call me Clari. And this is Blue, if she hasn't introduced herself to you already. Which, of course, she probably hasn't in her rush to take you to the Queen. Blue's a bit of a law follower. Boring people, they are."

Blue's face turned violent red as Deidalice shook Clari's hand. "You could stand to follow more laws yourself, Clari. Not all of us are born _that_ way."

"What way?" Deidalice asked.

"This way," Blue said, tugging at an ear. "Half animal, half human. I don't care what kind of temper the Queen is in, I'm taking Deidalice to her so I don't get punished for it."

"You won't get in trouble, but Deidalice will. I hope you enjoy being half hippo," Clari remarked, casting Deidalice an appraising glance as if imagining her as the fat, blubbery beast.

Blue scowled, her conscience catching up with her.

"Perhaps you should take her to the Mad Masker's?" Clari suggested, twirling a bit of Deidalice's hair around her finger. "No one will look for her there, of all places. Wait until the Queen's temper is over, and then take her to the palace."

"Perhaps _you _should take her to the Mad Masker's," Blue said angrily, shoving Deidalice forward. "You do like it over there so much, and besides, you don't mind breaking the law."

"That should be fine with me," Clari said. Her evanescent body evaporated once more. Blue stomped off, leaving Deidalice in the middle of the forest helplessly lost and confused. The Claricat appeared at the top of a hill, looking back. "Are you coming, Deidalice?"

oOoOoOoOo

The Mad Masker lived in a house more run-down than the ballroom. Outside the poor hut, a large, elegant feast was laid out on a spotless white tablecloth, delicacies of every culture glistening on silver platters and tea steaming in china teapots and teacups. As for attendance, there was only the Mad Masker, the Bear Hare, and a strange black mouse that was meditating on the tablecloth.

Clari and Deidalice had walked all the way up to the table before the Masker even noticed their presence. He cheered so suddenly that Deidalice jumped, and then scowled. She could tell she was not going to like the Mad Masker.

"Claricat-san!" he chirped, clapping and jumping up and down in his seat. His face, however, was unseen because of the orange mask he was wearing. "To see you, Masker is so glad!"

"I was here yesterday, Mask-san," Clari sighed. To Deidalice she whispered, "Mask-san gets very upset if you don't use honorables in his presence. Don't ask me why, just do it."

"And you have a friend!" Masker continued, as if she said nothing.

"Friend!" the Bear Hare barked. The creature was quite odd: a dog that wore ratty rabbit's ears on a headband on it's head. Deidalice wasn't entirely sure where the bear part came in, but she decided not to ask.

"This is Deidalice-chan," Clari introduced.

"Deidalice-chan!" the Masker and the Hare applauded.

"Please, sit," Masker said. However, there were no chairs available. The Mad Masker, realizing this, hopped up from his own and offered it to Deidalice. She took it gratefully, tired after her long day. Clari removed a platter from the table and threw it on the ground, making room for herself. The Masker did the same.

"Feel free to eat," Clari snickered. Bear chomped on a sandwich...or what looked like a sandwich. With a start, Deidalice realized that all of the food was plastic. How disappointing. It really did look good.

The tea wasn't plastic. It was poorly prepared, but it was still tea. The Masker babbled on, cooing about how excited he was to see them all here at his table. No one else said much, save Bear, who echoed everything the Masker said. Clari listened attentively with an amused expression on her face. She obviously found the Mad Masker an interesting, if not an entertaining, specimen.

Beside Deidalice, the black mouse did not move a muscle. She found this disconcerting, and wondered idly when it would do something. Everyone else did something. But the mouse just sat there, unmoving, unnerving, and utterly expressionless.

Finally, after much chatter, the black mouse opened his large red eyes and said in monotone: "There is a betrayer among us. If we don't do something, we will be captured by the Queen, Mad Masker."

There was a loud clang as the Masker dropped his spoon. Clari and Bear froze in fear. Twitching, the Mad Masker slowly turned his head towards the black mouse. "What was that, Itachi-SAN?"

Itachi said no more; he closed his red eyes and continued meditating.

The Masker hopped down from the table, knocking down several platters in the process. "I DIDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU, ITACHI-_SAN_! WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID, ITACHI-_SAN_?"

"Run," the Claricat warned before evaporating.

Deidalice did so after a moments pause. She heard the Masker behind her. "SENSEI! SENPAI! SAMA! SAN! CHAN! KUN! SENSEI! SENPAI! SAMA! SAN! CHAN! KUN! SENSEI! SENPAI! SAMA! SAN! CHAN! KUN!"

She ran until she could run no more. Itachi's prophecy rang in her ears: _There is a betrayer among us. If we don't do something soon, we will be captured by the Queen_...what could that possibly mean? Just who was this mysterious Queen?

In the distance, she heard the sound of bickering voices. Not sure what else to do, she let herself be guided by them. In a small clearing a few paces away was a cottage with an open door. Deidalice let herself in, her eyes watering at the smell of pepper that bombarded the house.

She found that the house was overflowing with people. In one corner was a tall woman with short black hair and a baby in a sling over her shoulder, stirring a pot of something. Grappling in the center of the room were two small boys, one with shiny silver hair and raging pinkish-purple eyes, the other with piercing green eyes and stitches on every visible part of his body.

"Hush, you two!" the woman screamed, chucking a handful of pepper in their direction to go with the pile they were rolling around in. They yelled in protest and continued arguing. The woman spotted Deidalice in the doorway and scowled. "And just who are you?"

"I'm Deidalice. Who are you?"

"Why are you asking questions? You're the one in my house, you should know who I am!" the woman roared.

"I don't."

"I'm the Duchess of the Lily. These are my troublesome children, Kakuzu-dee and Hidan-dum. And this is my baby, Kisame," the woman listed, stirring the pot and staring daggers at her children. Deidalice brightened. As a dedicated baby-lover, she raced over to pet the cute toddler. But when she saw the thing's face, she stopped. It was blue, with fishy features. But, either way, it was a baby, and it was cute. Deidalice reached out her hand, but the baby chomped down on it with shark-like teeth.

"Sorry about that," the Duchess said as Deidalice nursed her hand. "He's going through a rebellious phase."

Kisame smiled up at Deidalice viciously.

"Do you know how to get back to the real world?" Deidalice asked, suppressing a shudder.

"You mean the Uplands? No, I don't know how, but I'm sure that the Peinerpillar will know the answer. Kakuzu-dee! Hidan-dum!" the Duchess snapped. "You will take this young lady to the Peinerpillar, got that? No malingering!"

"Yes, ma'am!" the two said in unison. They each took one of Deidalice's hands and lead her out the door, supposedly to this mysterious creature known as the Peinerpillar.

oOoOoOoOo

The two troublesome children did not stop arguing the entire time they led poor Deidalice to the Peinerpillar. There was even once that they got into a scuffle, and Deidalice had to physically separate them. Eventually, they made it to a large mushroom which had planted itself firmly in the midst of a swirling cloud of bluish smoke. Deidalice coughed as she approached.

The Peinerpillar was perched on a the mushroom, his great orange body spotted with silver peircings. He smoked something from a pipe, forming large _O_'s as he exhaled. He gazed at Deidalice expectantly. "Who are you?"

"Deidalice."

"I see..."

"I've come to - "

"Did I ask you what you came here to do?" The Peinerpillar interrupted.

"I suppose not," Deidalice admitted.

The Peinerpillar considered Deidalice for a moment more. "What are you doing here?"

"I've come to ask you a question."

"What is this question?"

"Do you know how to get back to the real world? The Uplands?" Deidalice inquired.

"Well, which is it?" The Peinerpillar said after letting out another ring of smoke. "The real world, or the Uplands?"

"The...the Uplands."

"Returning to the Uplands is simple. All you must do is close your eyes, tap your heels together, and say, 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home,' " The Peinerpillar instructed wisely.

"Isn't that the wrong fairytale?" Hidan-dum asked.

"It's fable, stupid," Kakuzu-dee corrected.

They fell into another one of their skirmishes.

Deidalice did as the Peinerpillar suggested, mustering up her every desire to return home. But when she opened her eyes, she was still standing next to the mushroom, surrounded by a sweet plume of smoke, listening to Kakuzu-dee and Hidan-dum debate the difference between a fairytale and a fable.

"You liar!" Deidalice accused, pointing a finger at the Peinerpillar.

"Did I forget to mention that you must have the Red Queen's staff in order to return? It must have slipped my mind," the Peinerpillar sighed. "I'm becoming senile in my old age, I'm afraid."

"Maybe if you smoked a little less," Kakuzu-dee murmured.

"How do you get the Red Queen's staff?" Deidalice asked, ignoring her companions.

"Why, I have absolutely no idea. It's never been done," the Peinerpillar admitted wistfully. "I suppose the first thing to do is to get inside the Red Queen's castle, but that's wishful thinking. No one has ever snuck into her castle, much less stolen her staff."

Just as the words left his mouth, a giant bird of an unspecified species swooped down and grasped all four of them in his scaly talons, ascending into the sky and disappearing into the direction of the Red Queen's castle.

oOoOoOoOo

Some very rude cards (2, 5, and 7 of Hearts) shoved Deidalice, the Peinerpillar, Kakuzu-dee, and Hidan-dum into an already brimming cell. Contained in the cell were as follows: the blue rabbit, Blue; the Claricat; the Mad Masker; the black mouse, Itachi; the Duchess of the Lily; her baby, Kisame; and now the Peinerpillar, Kakuzu-dee, Hidan-dum, and Deidalice. The heavy metal door shut with a clang behind them.

"They caught you, too!" the Duchess cried. "I hope it wasn't because of my idiot children!"

"You wanna say that to my face?" Hidan-dum snapped.

"Come here! Let me flick your ear!"

"No!"

"Why are you all in here?" Deidalice asked. "Why am I in here? I didn't do anything wrong."

"You did! We didn't register you, and now we're all going to be executed!" Blue cried, twitching. She pointed an accusing finger at the Claricat. "And it's all your fault!"

"Is that any way to talk to the person who's going to save your furry blue hide?" Clari hissed.

"How are you going to do that, Clari-san?" the Masker asked.

Clari rolled her eyes and evaporated. Everyone's jaw dropped as she appeared again outside the cell, dangling a ring of keys in their faces. She silently unlocked the cell and let them all out, looking around nervously for any card soldiers. Suddenly, Deidalice noticed an absence.

"Where's the Bear H - ?" she began, but Clari covered her mouth with her hand.

"Don't say that name in front of the Mad Masker," she whispered. "He'll go on a rampage."

"Why? What happened?"

"The Bear Hare betrayed us all. Apparently he's been working for the Red Queen this whole time."

Deidalice gasped. The mouse's premonition had been right!

"What now?" Clari asked.

"You mean you don't have a plan?" the Duchess growled.

"No, I did my part. Anyone have any ideas?"

"I'm leaving," Blue sniffed.

"I will be taking my exit as well," the Peinerpillar agreed.

"I'm afraid I must be going," the Duchess said regretfully. "The children will be more of a pain than a help anyway."

"Masker will stay!" the Mad Masker jumped.

"So will I," the mouse said quietly.

Clari shrugged.

"I need the Red Queen's staff," Deidalice explained. "So I can get home. Will you help me do that?"

"Yes, why not?" Clari said.

"We must arrive in the throne room," Itachi mumbled, opening his red eyes in a prophetic manner. "That is where the Red Queen awaits with her staff."

"Great," Deidalice said. "To the throne room it is then."

oOoOoOoOo

Getting to the throne room took a great deal of careful sneaking and skillful fighting, but between the Claricat's vanishing acts and the Mad Masker's ultimate fighting technique they made it there in a matter of time. The black mouse sat on Deidalice's shoulder, whispering directions as they went about the palace.

The Red Queen's shrill shrieks were audible outside the heavy oak doors to the throne room. Deidalice gulped and burst inside with splendor, standing defiantly in front of the Red Queen.

She was tall and looked much like the Duchess of the Lily, with seething gray eyes and a cap of sleek black hair. She was dressed in the finest and most stylish attire, everything but the scruffy black combat boots that adorned her feet. In her hand was a slender gold staff with a heart-shaped gem poised on the top. When she saw Deidalice and Itachi and the Masker (Clari had disappeared) her face turned the color of the ruby on her staff. That is to say, crimson.

"How dare you escape prison!" she shouted. "How dare you burst into my throne room! Off with her head!"

"Please, Your Highness, all I need is your staff," Deidalice hastily explained.

"And you come in here making demands? Dispicable!" the Red Queen pointed her staff in Deidalice's direction and a shot of black light leapt from it, hitting the poor blonde girl directly in the chest. She fell to the floor, coughing.

The Mad Masker was furious. "Is that any way to treat Deidalice-chan?"

"What did you do to me, un?" Deidalice coughed.

"...Un?" Itachi questioned.

"Haha! Now you shall say _un_ at the end of every sentence!" the Red Queen bellowed. "And be the laughing stock of Wonderland!"

"But I don't want to be in Wonderland!" Deidalice cried. "I want to go home, un! Please let me borrow your staff!"

"Never!" the Queen declared. She snapped her fingers. "Bear, come forth and seize these prisoners."

The Bear Hare trotted from behind the throne, dressed in silk. The Mad Masker's face grew dark with hatred.

"Betrayer!" he shouted. "Scoundrel!"

"Yell all you want, but I'm not going to prison," Bear said smugly.

The Masker lunged at Bear, but the dog simply dodged out of the way, his feet floating off the floor with ease. He guffawed in midair, bragging of the gift the Queen had granted him. He could fly.

Suddenly, there were two arms around the back of the throne and a long black claw under the Queen's chin. The Claricat's head popped out from one side of the elegant throne, smiling in triumph. She said to the Queen, "Jaye-sama, it's time to let go. You've gotten way out of control with this 'magic' thing. I think you might need counseling."

"But - "

"No ifs, ands, or buts. We're going to send you to a nice rehab center that can help you. But the first step in recovery is helping others with your magic, like I have, even if it means giving it up for a second or two. Now, give the nice girl your staff so she can go home."

Jaye, the Red Queen, sniffed and let her staff drop to the ground. The Mad Masker grabbed it and handed it to Deidalice. Clari let go of Jaye and gave her a reassuring smile. Deidalice held the staff in her hands, breathing hard. It was time to go home.

Itachi climbed down from her shoulder and into the Masker's hands. "We'll miss you, Deidalice-chan."

"Goodbye, Deidalice-chan!" Clari called, waving.

"Goodbye, everyone," Deidalice said. "I'll remember you all, un."

She closed her eyes, clicked her heels, and said, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home."

Then, the staff fell to the ground with a clatter. Deidalice was gone.

oOoOoOoOo

Deidalice rubbed her eyes as she awoke from her slumber. It was nearly supper time, and the air around the water of the river was beginning to gain a great chill. Her older sister sat beside her, stroking Deidalice's long, blonde hair.

"How was your sleep?" she asked.

"I had the strangest dream, un," Deidalice answered. "There were blue rabbits and orange caterpillars and cats that smiled and - "

Her sister laughed. "That sounds like quite the dream. Do you want to come inside and tell me all about it?"

"Sure," Deidalice agreed, letting her sister help her off the ground. "Can I have some of your special candy too, Orochimaru?"

"Of course, Deidalice. You can always have some of my special candy," Orochimaru murmured affectionately, her tongue flicking out to wet her lips in her usual way.

The two of them walked towards the house hand-in-hand, Deidalice chattering on and on about her marvelous adventures in Wonderland.

* * *

**SURPRISE ENDING! :D **

**Ah, poor Deidara - or, uh, Deidalice. **

**I hoped you enjoyed this little short story. It's something I've been thinking about for a while now and never really got the chance to write down. But I think I've kept you on a cliffhanger long enough, so the next chapter will be the regular old story. **

**And, just so you know, if anyone has any suggestions for a cute little bonus chapter such as this one, feel free to contact me. I'd be happy to write it. :) **


	13. Mattress Battles and Rubber Duckies

**Okay, I think I've kept you waiting long enough. There are so many questions to answer: Is Pein Clari's father? Will Itachi get the girls back in time for Thanksgiving? Will the monkey be successfully stolen? And what about Kakuzu, Jaye, and Hidan? Will Kisame munch on Pablo II? This and so much more will be revealed! :D **

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: Mattress Battles and Rubber Duckies**

* * *

Lily sat sullenly at the head of the table, looking down at the burned buffet in front of her. There was a huge blackened turkey, oil-thick gravy, dressing that consisted of crispy black flakes, lumpy mashed potatoes, mushy corn swimming in butter, and smoking rolls. Itachi, Konan, and Zetsu stared at this nearly inedible banquet in front of them with baffled expressions.

They were the only ones in attendance.

Itachi had not kept to his word. He studied and experimented and did everything he could, but he'd failed. It wasn't really his fault; he did try his best, Lily supposed. The past two days she'd hardly seen him. When she'd miserably went to call him for Thanksgiving dinner, he was scurrying about the room and explained that he just had to find the last piece of the puzzle, then he could get the girls home. Lily told him to come eat. There was no use hurrying now. Thanksgiving was already here.

Lily took a large butcher knife and stabbed the turkey fiercely. "Anyone want turkey?"

No one wanted turkey, but they all took a helping large enough for two people. They looked at their plates in disgust. Lily gave them all a condescending stare, daring them to say something about her cooking. Finally, Zetsu took a fateful mouthful thinking, _How bad can it be? I've probably eaten worse._

He was horribly, horribly wrong.

Everyone saw it in his face. His chewing stopped, his nostrils flared, his face became green. Tears came to his eyes. But with one helpless glance at Lily, he continued eating as if nothing was amiss. Konan and Itachi did the same, with similar reactions to Lily's food.

Lily ate nothing. She didn't even make a plate. When everyone was finished (and Lily made sure they ate every bite) and thought their taste buds had been burned off, Lily brought out two black pies; one pumpkin and one apple.

"Pie, anyone?" she asked, stabbing the crusty apple pie with a fork.

Everyone raised their hands, wishing they were dead.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari raised her hand to knock on the door, but it opened before her fist made contact. Standing before her was a butler, she assumed. He had the butler look. She cleared her throat and spoke. "I have a cookie delivery."

"Yes, yes," the butler said, stepping aside. "He's in the back room."

"You...you want me to go inside?" Clari stuttered. Her only instructions were to deliver the cookies and give Tobi and Deidara time to sneak into the house undetected. She certainly didn't think that she'd be going into the house herself.

"Someone has to deliver the cookies," the butler sneered. "And it certainly isn't going to be me."

"R-right..." The butler stepped aside to let her in. The house was large and polished to perfection, but it looked very empty. Clari saw a few maids scurrying about as the butler lead her towards the back room, but she didn't see any family. Their target was truly alone.

_Perhaps he has a good relationship with his employees_, Clari thought optimistically before she could feel pity for the lonely soul that lived in the house. But her theory was proved wrong as the butler ceased walking and gestured to the door. He obviously didn't want any conversation with his master. Clari gripped the platter of cookies in her hands and hesitantly knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Cookie delivery, sir," Clari said.

"Enter."

Clari turned the brass knob and stepped inside, looking around curiously. The back room was a elegant office, leather bound books adorning every wall and a big mahogany desk littered with intricate metal pieces sitting in the center. Lounging behind the desk was a person that Clari did not expect at all. That person was a small child, probably around two or three, with blonde hair and big, innocent brown eyes.

_What the hell_? Clari thought, blinking as if to correct the image in front of her. She tentatively stepped into the room, glancing about to find the source of the silky-smooth voice that had beckoned her inside. For surely it didn't come from such a small child.

"Cookies?" the kid squealed.

"Um...yeah..." Clari said, setting the tray in front of the boy and watching him scarf it down without hesitation. She looked around once more, and, seeing no one, turned to leave.

"Wait!" said the voice from earlier. A figure popped out from behind a bookshelf. It was a man, only a few years older than Clari, with the same blonde hair and brown eyes as the younger boy. Clari was utterly baffled. Wasn't this mysterious millionaire supposed to live alone? She was expecting an old man, and she got a baby and a hot guy! How confusing! The speaker continued, digging around in his pocket. "You forgot your tip."

"Oh."

He slipped an unspecified amount of money in her limp hand with a smile. "I haven't seen you here before. Normally Ren comes on Tuesdays."

"She had an emergency," Clari lied. "So I'm covering for her."

"I see," he said, sticking out a hand. "Well, then I suppose I better introduce myself. I'm Azuma. This is my younger brother, Po."

"Emi," Clari said, shaking his hand. "So I'm guessing that he's the one who eats the cookies every day?"

"Yeah," Azuma laughed. He took two from the platter. "But occasionally I indulge myself. You want one?"

"I probably shouldn't..." Clari said.

"Come on, who can resist a free cookie?" Azuma tempted.

Clari took the cookie.

"Would you like to sit down?" Azuma asked.

"No, I should probably go back to work," Clari said hastily.

Azuma chuckled. "Don't worry about it. The girls stay here all the time. If you go back now, the owner'll get suspicious of them. You'd be doing everyone a favor if you stayed for a while."

_I can see why they choose that bakery_, Clari thought sarcastically as she sat down. _Po gets the cookies and Azuma gets the girls_.

"Relax," Azuma continued. "You probably had to walk a long way here."

Clari did not reply; she nibbled on the cookie.

"Po," Azuma said. "Are you almost done?"

"Yeah," Po said, his mouth full of cookie.

"Then why don't you go in the other room and play?"

"Okay!" Po hopped down and skipped from the room, a cookie in each slobbery hand. Clari watched him leave, suddenly feeling less safe. When she turned back to Azuma, she found that he had leaned in closer.

"What are you doing...?" she gulped, leaning away.

"Don't worry, most girls are nervous their first time," Azuma said with a grin, grabbing her wrists in one hand and pinning them down. Clari's mouth fell open, forming a distinct _O_.

"Holy shit! You're a creeper!" she accused, doing her best to kick him away. "Let me go, dammit!"

Azuma just laughed. He put his hand in his pocket again and produced a tiny white object. With a start, Clari realized it was a small, ivory figurine of a monkey, with glistening ruby eyes and extraordinary detailing. "This is what you're after, right?"

Again, Clari's mouth formed an _O_.

"Uh-oh," Azuma said, sticking the monkey back in his pocket. "Didn't see that coming, did you?"

oOoOoOoOo

"Are you sure we're going the right way, un?" Deidara asked as they crawled their way through the air ducts. It was a miracle that they'd managed to fit, and an even bigger miracle that Tobi thought he could sense the ivory monkey. And, since Deidara honestly didn't have any idea where it was, he figured it was best to go along with the masked man and see what happened.

"Yes," Tobi said. "Tobi thinks we're almost there."

They heard voices below them. Tobi gasped. "Deidara-senpai! That's Clari-chan's voice!"

"What? What is she doing in here, un?" Deidara growled. "She was supposed to deliver the cookies and leave!"

They speed-crawled towards the sound of Clari's protest, squinting through the slit in the vent when they were above the room she was in. They were directly above her and some guy, who was pinning her to the floor. Deidara scowled.

"Deidara-senpai, what do we - ?" Tobi began, but Deidara had already knocked out the vent and hopped from the air duct, onto the pervert below. Tobi stuck his head from the square hole, his gaze sweeping across the office. Deidara, Azuma, and Clari were in a dog pile in the center of the room.

"Ow," Clari groaned. "Deidara, you're heavy."

Tobi slipped from the air duct and landed on top of them, causing everyone present to object. Deidara glared up at him, his dying rage suddenly renewed. "Get off me, un!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

Clari shoved Azuma off of her, shuddering. "That guy is freaky."

"What the fuck are you doing here, un?" Deidara yelled, waving a fist in the air.

"The butler invited me inside," Clari said blankly.

"So you actually came _inside_?"

"I didn't want to blow my cover."

Deidara slapped his forehead and dragged it across his face.

Clari brightened up a bit. "But I have good news! I know where the monkey thing is!"

"Where?" Tobi quipped.

Clari padded over to Azuma's limp body and dug around in his pocket (effectively raising both Deidara and Tobi's eyebrows) until she revealed the tiny ivory monkey. She held it out to them for inspection. Deidara turned it around in his hands, admiring the artistry. "It matches the description. But it's not very big, un."

"Do you _see_ the rubies on that thing?" Clari pointed out. "And plus, it's ivory. It's probably worth a fortune."

"True," Deidara said. He stuck it in the pocket of his robe. "Let's go home."

"Can I change out of this outfit first?"

"No."

oOoOoOoOo

It was around midnight when Pein got the call. The silver cell phone beside his bed rang shrilly, causing him to snap awake and look around for the intruder. When he realized there was none, he answered the phone blearily. Why would Lily be calling him at this hour?

"Hello?"

"You son of a bitch," Lily hissed through the speakers. "Where are the girls? Why didn't they call?"

"Why would they call?" Pein asked stupidly.

"Because it's Thanksgiving!"

"Isn't that several weeks away?"

"Time moves differently here, dumbass! It's been more than two weeks! I want to talk to Clari and Jaye. Put them on the phone, now!" Lily yelled to the point where Pein had to remove his ear from the cellular device. A sinking, sinking feeling went through him as he realized the situation.

"Um...I can't."

"And why not?"

"Because...well, they're on missions," Pein confessed.

There was dead silence on the other line. Pein became concerned, as he could only here the sound of Lily's breathing. "Lily?"

"You sent my girls on _missions_!" she screamed. "_Why_? Why would you _do_ that?"

"They're not dangerous missions."

"Bull shit! A mission is a mission! They're walking around with criminals! How on earth is that in anyway safe?" Lily accused.

"It's not."

"See? When Itachi fixes this mess, you will be in a_ world of pain_! Do you understand me? You will meet a wrath like you've never met before! I will torture you until you are screaming for mercy! And I won't grant it to you! How can you - "

It was at this point that Pein hung up the phone, turned it on silent, and went back to sleep.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye stared at the single bed that stretched before her with a glazed look in her eye. For, you see, there was only one bed. And three people. Kakuzu had already claimed the couch, so she guess that made it two people. But...

"I'm sleeping on the fucking bed," Hidan declared.

"You are not," Jaye challenged. "I get the bed. I'm a lady, and ladies don't sleep on the floor."

"If you're a lady, then I'm Jashin himself," Hidan snorted. "Besides, I never said you had to sleep on the floor. I just said that I was sleeping on the bed."

Jaye burst into boisterous laughter. "I'd rather sleep on the floor than in a bed with you!"

"Suit yourself," Hidan said, flopping on the bed.

Jaye scowled and rolled him off, extending her limbs in order occupy as much of the mattress as she possibly could. She gave Hidan a smug look, though she didn't look at all comfortable on the mattress in that position. Hidan glared.

"This is exactly why I claimed the couch," Kakuzu sighed.

"Look, I'm willing to share, bitch," Hidan growled. "So you're either gonna have to deal with that or sleep on the floor, 'cause I'm not giving up this fucking bed!"

"I'm not giving up the bed either!"

"Then it looks like we're sharing."

"NO!"

"Stop being so fucking selfish!" Hidan cried.

"I have to side with Hidan on this one," Kakuzu agreed. "Either you share it or Hidan gets it."

Jaye's jaw dropped. "What the fuck? That's not fair!"

"He's willing to share. You're not. And you both want it," Kakuzu said.

Jaye thought for a moment. She crawled off the bed and curled on the floor. It was hard, and smelled like tuna. The bed was soft, and had a pleasant fresh cotton scent. But Hidan was on the bed. It was a difficult decision.

"What is it, bitch, so I can go to sleep?" Hidan urged.

She stood and sighed. "As long as there's a barrier between us and you don't touch me, I think I'm willing to compromise with you and share the bed."

Hidan grinned and patted the space beside him. "Excellent."

oOoOoOoOo

Just as Pein was drifting back into a doze, he heard a commotion outside his door. Sighing, he got up to investigate. Rummaging around in the kitchen was Deidara. Tobi and Clari sat on the counter, evidently waiting for him to find something to eat. But what really got Pein's attention was the outfit that Clari was wearing.

"What the hell...?" he muttered, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Sorry," Deidara said, standing up with instant ramen in each hand. "We've been walking all night and we're hungry, un."

"Hurry up so I can go to bed," Clari snapped.

"What are you wearing?" Pein asked.

"What - oh. Huh, I forgot I was wearing this," Clari said. "It was required for the mission, which we carried out successfully. Thanks to me."

"If I recall correctly, you were pinned down on the floor by some random guy," Deidara defended. "And probably would have been raped or something if I hadn't stepped in, un."

"_What_?" Pein said, suddenly remembering Lily's conversation over the phone.

Clari snorted. "Stepped in? More like fell in. What were you guys doing in the ceiling, anyway?"

"Does anyone want to explain what happened?" Pein said, befuddled.

"Not particularly," Clari said truthfully, becoming frustrated with Deidara's slowness and grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go change and then go to bed."

Pein twitched as she drifted by, munching on the chips as she did so.

"What're you gonna do with that outfit, un?" Deidara called.

Clari flipped him the finger as she disappeared down the hallway.

Pein, at an utter loss of what to do, dragged himself to bed. When he entered, the phone was glowing blue. Lily was still trying to contact him. Well, he might as well tell her that Clari was back.

"Don't worry, Lily, Clari's back already - " he began.

"It's not Lily," Konan said from the other end.

"Konan? Is something wrong?"

"No..." she paused. "Pein, I have something to tell you."

"Can it wait until morning? I'm tired," Pein yawned.

"It's actually only seven here...but no, it can't wait. I need to tell you now."

"Go on," Pein said, convinced to listen by the urgency in her voice.

"Zetsu and I...Pein, you might want to sit down for this," Konan warned.

"Just spit it out!"

"Okay...Well, do you remember the thing with Emi and you...and Clari being born...?"

"It's kind of hard to forget, with Clari running around in a maid's outfit in the next room," Pein said blandly.

"Clari's wha - never mind. Well, Zetsu and I, through DNA testing, found out the truth about you and Clari. We know if you're her biological father or not," Konan said, pausing to let this sink in. Pein blinked, his nerves suddenly alive. What did this mean? Taking his silence as a cue to continue, Konan finished her report. "The DNA was a close match. You and Clari are definitely related."

Pein felt the blood drain from his face.

"Did you hear me, Pein? You're Clari's father."

The silver cell phone dropped from his hands. He, Pein, had a child! A sixteen-year-old daughter! How freaky. His daughter was only ten or eleven years younger than he was. Pein quickly dismissed this. He was much older than that when he became romantically involved with Emi. It was simply the fact that time moved so much quicker in the other world without the special jutsu.

But he had a daughter!

"Pein? Pein! Can you hear me?" Konan voice still issued from the phone. Pein, coming out of his reverie, scooped it up and hastily repeated to Konan what she had just informed him of.

"Clari's my daughter!"

"Yes," Konan assured. "She's definitely your daughter. And you should tell her. Like, right now."

"She's sleeping," Pein dismissed. "I'll tell her tomorrow."

"Okay...Just make sure you tell her, Pein. She has a right to know." With that, Konan hung up. Pein set the phone down on the table and stared into oblivion.

Clari was his daughter!

oOoOoOoOo

There was little room left on the bed after Jaye had finished fortifying her area with pillows and sheets. Hidan observed, amused, as she piled all the sheets and nearly all the pillows in the center, effectively cutting off any contact one person might wish to make with another while sleeping on that bed.

"There," Jaye said, appraising her work with approval. "That should do it, don't you think?"

"You hardly left any room for sleeping!"

"Tough shit."

Hidan shook his head and dove under the one blanket that Jaye had left for practical use. Hesitantly, Jaye did the same. All was silent for a moment. Then, Jaye felt something crawling on her shoulder.

"_Spider_!" she accused, slapping the thing unnecessarily sharply.

"Ow!" Hidan cried from the other side. The "spider" quickly evacuated her shoulder.

"Hidan, what the fuck?"

"That was my hand..."

"I told you not to touch me, dammit!"

"I was trying to scare you!"

"Your very presence accomplishes that, bastard."

"Don't use big words on me, bitch!"

"Shut up!" Kakuzu barked from the other side of the room. "Go to sleep!"

Hidan and Jaye simultaneously glared at the mountain of pillows behind which their rival laid. Both of them began to fall into a doze after several minutes, the passionate scowls remaining on their faces until the early hours of the morning.

oOoOoOoOo

Another two days passed without a so much as a call from either one of the girls. Lily assumed that they had not yet made it back from their missions. This distressed her, even if she reminded herself that time moved more slowly where they were.

After the Thanksgiving incident, Itachi was more motivated than ever to get the girls home. Not that he was very motivated before, but the realization that weeks had passed and he'd still failed to get something accomplished was a well-awaited wake up call. He was beginning to slack off, to procrastinate, and that simply wouldn't do. Also, somewhere deep in the back of his mind, he knew that he would rather die than see Lily in such a state ever again. Or eat such food ever again.

When Itachi came rushing into the living room, the other three occupants were lounging. They gave him an indifferent glance then turned their attention back to the television. Their demeanor towards Itachi had suddenly become cold and distant since Thanksgiving.

"I have it!" Itachi exclaimed, the first time they'd ever heard him exclaim anything.

Lily looked up again, curious. "Is that so?"

"Yes, I guarantee it this time."

"If I recall correctly," Bear began, slinking into the room and plopping down at Lily's feet, "You said that last time and the house nearly exploded."

"The dog makes a valid point," Lily said.

"I know I've got it this time," Itachi persisted. "I found the missing factor in the equations and - look, just let me try it out."

Lily considered for a moment. "You seem pretty excited, so I guess I'll let you give it a shot."

Itachi nodded and began the usual procedure, taking his special chakra-chalk and drawing symbols on the walls. The audience of four watched with mild anticipation, half expecting it to work, half expecting it to blow up in their faces again. When he was finally done, he drew a small circle in the middle of the floor and placed something inside of it. With a start, Lily realized that it was the rubber ducky he had been so avidly inspecting.

Itachi began chanting before she could ask any questions. After he was done, his hands forming a complicated number of seals at a rapid pace, he looked around the room expectantly. The others followed suit.

"Well?" Konan urged.

Itachi's lip twitched, a meager beginning of a smile. "It's done."

"Are you sure?" Lily said frantically, hopping up and gesturing to the rubber ducky. "That was the solution to everything? A bath toy?"

"Apparently so," Itachi nodded. "It's all done. They can come home now."

Lily squealed and gave Itachi a joyful hug before racing into the kitchen, babbling on and on about how excited she was and how enthusiastic the girls would be and what would happen when they got home. Itachi blinked, stunned into silence as Konan and Zetsu grinned at each other, both obviously thinking of all the gossip that could be produced from such a thoughtless embrace between Lily and Itachi.

oOoOoOoOo

When Clari drearily opened her eyes the next morning after a long, well-deserved sleep, she nearly had a heart attack. For standing beside her bed in barely concealed anticipation was Pein.

"Gah!" she cried, shocked. "Pein, what are you doing in here?"

"I've got good news," he said animatedly. "Lily just called to say that Itachi fixed the problem. As soon as Jaye and the others get here, we'll be able to send you two home."

"That couldn't have waited until I came outside?" Clari asked, though she was very happy about the change. Between the two girls, Clari liked the _Naruto_ world the least and was ecstatic that she was finally going home.

"I guess so..." Pein trailed off. "But I have other news."

"What?"

"Uh...um..." Pein stuttered. "I...uh...we're going to celebrate your holidays with you!"

"Great," Clari said. "Anything else?"

"...No."

"Okay...well, then I think I'm gonna get changed now."

"Yes," Pein said, nodded. He left the room. Clari stared after him, confused. That was the most uncomfortable she'd ever witnessed the Akatsuki leader to be. What was his problem?

Before she had even gotten out of bed, he popped his head back inside. "Clari!"

"Ah!" she screamed, leaping backwards. "What?"

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I was just saying that Jaye, Hidan, and Kakuzu will be here any minute," Pein relayed. He seemed to want to tell her something else, but he dismissed it and slipped from the room once again. Clari shot out of bed and locked the door before he could pop in again. Going over all that Pein had told her, she quickly dressed and got ready to leave. When Jaye got here, they were going home! Finally!

She heard Jaye and Hidan's angry voices from the kitchen and grinned at their arguing for once. Nearly skipping, she went to greet them and tell her cousin the good news, if Pein hadn't already.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye and Hidan were in the midst of yet another vivid argument. Kakuzu wearily informed everyone that the two of them had been more heated than ever since this morning. In fact, they had been well into a debate when Kakuzu woke up at the hotel. They didn't stop bickering on their journey back to the hide out. And they incessantly insulted each other even as they walked through the doors. Secretly, Kakuzu had the growing suspicion that it had something to do with them sleeping in the same bed, but if anything had occurred last night, then he had fallen asleep too soon and rose too late to know about it.

Not even the fact that they were going back home distracted Jaye from Hidan for very long. Mere minutes after the news had been delivered by Clari, the couple had lapsed into yet another debate about whether or not it was normal for a person to carry money in their sock.

Everyone was visibly becoming frustrated with the two of them, and Deidara, who probably had the quickest temper of them all, shoved Hidan and Jaye outside of the hide out and closed the door behind them, effectively cutting off their voices.

"Thank you," Clari sighed as the room was finally peaceful. "I wonder what's gotten into them."

"Who knows?" Kakuzu growled, rubbing his temples.

It wasn't long before the loudmouthed couple realized that they had been locked outside and began ramming on the door, demanding to be let in. After negotiating with Clari, they were finally allowed entrance, staring daggers at each other with as much venom as they could muster.

"Are you all ready to go?" Pein asked, addressing them all.

"Are we going too?" Kisame inquired.

"Yes, we're spending the holidays in their world."

"Sweet, un!" Deidara cheered.

"We're ready," Clari said, looking around. Jaye nodded beside her, cradling Pablo II and Buddy in her arms. Everyone did seem ready to leave the boring confines of the Akatsuki hide out.

"Great," Pein said. He clasped his hands together and said some words. With a whirlwind of chakra, they were all transported from one world to another, completely clueless about what they were about to encounter but happy to be going back home just the same. Because, even to the members of the Akatsuki, the Itishi household had become about as close to a home as they had ever possessed.

* * *

**YAY! Going back home!**


	14. Engagement Rings and Action Figures

**Chapter Twelve: Engagement Rings and Action Figures**

* * *

When Clari opened her eyes, she was standing in the front yard of Lily's house, ankle deep in snow. It drifted down from the flat black sky, casting silence over the night. She looked around her in wonder. A snowflake fell on her nose.

Jaye glanced around too, sticking out a hand to catch the cool precipitation. "Snow? In November?"

"I guess so," Clari said, sticking out her tongue and anticipating the taste of a snowflake.

"Tobi is cold!" Tobi squealed, shivering in his cloak.

Hidan flopped down and began moving his limbs rapidly, attempting to make a snow angel. It looked more like a deformed circle.

Deidara tried to copy Clari, but a snowflake fell in his eye. "Shit, un! I hate snow!"

"Snow is awesome," Clari snapped, shaking snowflakes from her hair.

Before Deidara could reply, the front door of the seemingly silent house was thrust open and Lily's slender silhouette threw shadows onto the porch. As soon as she saw the crowd in her yard, she dashed across the pure surface of the snow and engulfed her daughter and her niece in a hug. Konan, Zetsu, and Itachi peaked from the door and waved.

"I'm so glad you're home!" Lily cried, grinning as she released them.

"We're glad to be home," Clari agreed.

"Indeed," Jaye said. She hugged Pablo tighter, trying to keep him warm. "How long has it been snowing? It's kind of early, don't you think?"

Lily's smile faltered. "You guys have been gone for a while."

"We were only gone for two weeks," Clari said, frowning.

"You were gone for two weeks there," Lily said. "It's been almost two months here."

"What?" the girls said in unison.

"It's December, guys," Lily explained sadly. "Merry Christmas."

oOoOoOoOo

Okay, so Lily had overreacted just a bit. It wasn't Christmas, at least not yet. It was December 16th. Christmas was a little more than a week away. Still, this information was a great shock for everyone. They'd all lost track of time.

The girls were aghast that they'd actually been on missions over Thanksgiving and apologized to Lily with all the sincerity they could muster. According to Lily, school hadn't started yet but would resume after Christmas break. The days missed because of the fire would be made up over summer vacation, much to the girls' chagrin. Both Ryan and Seth called, and when it was confirmed that the girls would come home Lily made arrangements to go over to Ryan's house on Christmas Eve. She'd told Ryan and Seth that the girls were visiting their grandparents and wouldn't be capable of contact until the visit was over.

Perhaps the biggest surprise came when Jaye walked through the threshold of her home and was bombarded by her flying, talking dog. He flew past her head, chanting, "My Queen has returned! My Queen has returned!"

Jaye did a double take. After a moment of baffled silence, she smirked and said, "I'm a queen now, huh?"

"Yes...my jutsu was an experiment of trial and error," Itachi explained, rubbing the back of his neck.

"He gave Bear the ability to talk and the ability to fly, and I didn't want to do anything about it until you got back. He is your dog after all," Lily elaborated. "It's your decision as to whether you want him to keep his powers or not."

"Fuck yes!" Jaye cried.

"I knew it! My Wonderful Queen Jayden has returned!" Bear exclaimed, close to tears. Jaye beamed. It seemed she was enjoying her new title quite a lot. Bear was introduced to Pablo, and the dog vowed to protect the goldfish at all costs. "Anything for my beloved Queen's pet." He gave Hidan a quick glance and added, "Though that doesn't apply to you, scoundrel."

"What the fuck did you say to me, mutt?" Hidan protested.

"You heard me," Bear said. "I know what goes through that silver head of yours, and I don't like it. Not one bit. If you so much as lay a hand on my Queen without her permission, I will chew you until you are nothing more than a soggy skeleton."

"What the fuck do you mean by that? What goes through my head?" Hidan snapped.

Bear looked Hidan up and down with lazy disgust. "It's too vulgar for me to say. Just remember: I can smell hormones."

Everyone gave Hidan a curious glance.

"Hormones?" Hidan sneered. "Whatever! You're just pulling this out of your ass!"

"Believe what you want to believe, but just remember what I said," Bear warned. He turned to Deidara. "That goes for you too, Blondie."

Bear trotted from the room, leaving everyone with their eyebrows raised. Everyone except Hidan and Deidara, who were quietly sulking. It was evident that the dog was going to be yet another obstacle on their way to oblivious romance, even if they didn't realize it yet.

As the Akatsuki ridiculed the two unfortunate targets, Konan pulled Pein aside. He looked at her with forced innocence. He had a feeling that he knew what this was about, and wasn't happy about it.

"Did you tell her yet?" Konan implored, nodding towards a blushing Clari.

"Not yet," Pein said. "I'm waiting for the right time."

Konan gaped. "The right time was after I got off the phone with you!"

"I will decide when the right time is," Pein said firmly. "I am the Akatsuki leader, after all. I've handled more delicate information."

"Have you?" Konan said, raising an eyebrow. "I bet that most of that information wasn't so personal. You've got to tell her, Pein."

"I will," Pein promised.

They slid back into the conversation.

"So what took so long, Itachi?" Kisame asked, elbowing his partner.

"He was too busy nailing his thumb to the wall to do any problem-solving," Lily snorted.

"I wouldn't have had to nail my thumb to the wall if _someone _didn't nag me to rush for a solution," Itachi defended.

"Hey, you're supposed to be the 'prodigy,' " Lily said. "I didn't ask for much."

Itachi shook his head.

The audience stared in befuddlement, with the exception of Konan and Zetsu, who had become accustomed to such skirmishes as this. Itachi and Lily, realizing they were being observed, scowled in defense. "What?"

"When did _that_ happen?" Jaye inquired.

"What?" Lily said again.

Clari gestured vigorously between Itachi and Lily. "_That_."

Itachi and Lily glanced at each other imploringly, then back at the crowd. "What?" they asked again.

Jaye slapped her forehead. "Nevermind. Just forget it."

"It's interesting that you should point out Itachi and Lily's chemistry when you're too oblivious to see your own," Zetsu said to the girls prophetically. It was his turned to be stared at.

"What?" the girls said.

"Just heed my words," Zetsu said, standing and leaving the room. As he passed, he chuckled under his breath. "Hypocrites."

Clari and Jaye glanced at each other questioningly, while Hidan and Deidara continued staring at the plant-man's receding figure. The four of them were the only ones who were utterly and undeniably confused, although Zetsu's latest fortune had been about them.

Perhaps Zetsu was onto something. It seemed that the people who made up this party were concerned with everyone else's mating tendencies, however they were too blind to notice their own. It was obviously going to take more than a talking dog and a vague plant-man to cure them of their obliviousness, but that is a matter for a later episode.

oOoOoOoOo

"I'm telling you, I think Zetsu is a walking fortune cookie," Jaye said as she carried Pablo II and Buddy up to her room. Clari nodded in agreement, yawning. They were both ready to go to sleep, even though it had only been a few hours since their heads last hit the pillow. After the week they had, it was more than understandable.

Jaye sat Pablo on her dresser, lost in thought. "Do you think he was talking about Pein and Konan?"

"What?" Clari asked, too exhausted to follow the conversation.

"That crap about how we're too involved in everyone else's personal lives to notice our own," Jaye explained. "Pein and Konan. I think he was talking about them."

"I think he was talking about you and Hidan," Clari muttered blandly.

"Psh! He could have been talking about you and Deidara," Jaye retorted.

The girls stared each other down for a moment.

Clari changed the subject. "Has Pein been acting weird?"

"I don't think so. Do you?"

Clari relayed to Jaye the events of the morning. Jaye thought it over and decided that he was PMSing and that Clari should just leave it alone. Clari pointed out that Jaye wasn't being any help, because technically guys didn't get periods. "I'm serious," she said. "He's been acting strange."

"Just leave it alone," Jaye repeated. "It's probably some Akatsuki leader crap. Maybe Konan dumped him or something."

Clari sighed. Jaye, though her responses weren't particularly helpful, was probably right. Pein's problems most likely didn't have anything to do with her, so she should not be sticking her nose in his business.

As these very thoughts ran through Clari's head, something on her finger caught Jaye's eye. It was the ring that Clari had received from Deidara at the festival, well forgotten by others in the midst of the usual chaos. But slipping it on her finger had become part of Clari's daily routine; she didn't even have to think about it anymore.

Jaye pointed to it. "What is that?"

"A ring," Clari said, holding out her hand for Jaye's inspection.

"Where'd you get it?"

"The festival. Deidara won it for me."

"Deidara gave you a ring?" Jaye repeated.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

Jaye's eyes widened. "Is it...an engagement ring?"

"No," Clari said blandly, her eyes glazing over at such a ridiculous thought.

"It is! You're getting engaged!"

"I'm not."

"You're too young to be engaged!"

"I'm aware."

"Lily's gonna have a cow!"

"No she's not, because I'm not engaged."

"I can't believe you're engaged! And not even out of high school!" Jaye shunned her cousin.

Clari gave up on the argument, knowing that it was a wasted effort. Jaye was quite aware of the fact that Clari and Deidara were certainly not engaged, and was simply tormenting her just for the fun of it. Clari suspected that Jaye would let it go if she revealed no irritation, so she left the room muttering something about hair dye and Poptarts.

Unfortunately for Clari, Jaye had no intention of letting such a juicy misunderstanding slip through her fingers. She knew that if she tried hard enough, she could convince everyone of Deidara and Clari's "engagement" and cause a great stir through the house. Things had become rather dull of late anyway, and besides, she had promised Deidara revenge since the incident with Bobo.

With an impish grin, Jaye followed her cousin from the room.

oOoOoOoOo

"I'm going to the store," Clari announced to everyone as she entered the living room. "Does anyone need anything?"

"Milk," Lily said.

"Icecream," Konan proposed.

"Pancakes!" Tobi squealed.

"Hold that thought," Clari said. "I'll need to make a list."

After the list was complete, getting longer and longer as most grocery lists have a tendency to do, Clari grabbed her wallet and her keys and looked pointedly at Deidara, who had attended nearly every single shopping trip with her. "Are you coming?"

"Sure, un," Deidara replied, standing. "Let me get my shoes on...where did I put them...?"

As Deidara scrambled around, looking for his shoes, Pein glared at the ceiling. With the new found information that Clari was his child, the thought of a pyro maniac terrorist having any intimate relations with her was nearly unbearable. He was prone to object, but caught Konan's eye and saw that she was minutely shaking her head. Pein, who was rather uncertain about things like parenting, decided to follow her silent advice since she was female and supposedly had the natural instincts when it came to these sort of situations. However, that didn't stop his agitation and as soon as Clari and Deidara left the house the full power of his emotions surrounded him, causing most everyone present to unconsciously avoid him. Tobi, as he was chatting with Bear, unknowingly stepped into this dark aura and nearly choked to death.

Unlike Pein, the area surrounding Jaye was deceptively bright and cheerful. This trip to the store presented the perfect opportunity to spread her nasty rumor around the house. She decided to start with Zetsu, since he was the most avid gossiper. As Tobi thrashed about on the floor, attempting to catch his breath, she sneaked closer to the plant-man. He gave her a look of lazy curiosity. "What?"

"I just thought I'd come sit over here," Jaye said, smiling and patting the cushion on which her bottom was placed.

"_'I just thought I'd come sit over here' my ass_," Zetsu snorted. "_You want something_."

"I don't want anything."

"Yes you do. Just tell me."

"Fine. I found out about something and I promised Clari I wouldn't tell anybody, but it's just so hard," Jaye hissed. "I need to tell somebody, so I'm going to tell you."

"Oh?" Zetsu said, his interest sparking. He considered pointing out to her that he was the last person she'd ever want to tell, especially if this was something truly worth talking about, but decided against it. If he did this, the likelihood of him being the first to find out was slim. "_Go on_."

"Well..." Jaye leaned forward and whispered the information into his ear while everyone else gathered around Tobi's limp body. The only person who noticed what was going on was Hidan, who frowned in their direction but said nothing. As he observed, Zetsu's eyes lit up and he looked at Jaye in disbelief. She nodded and said, "It's true. Every single word."

Jaye hopped off the couch and skipped away merrily, leaving Zetsu in blissful thought. Hidan scowled and stomped to the plant-man. Zetsu blinked as Hidan loomed over him, his magenta eyes seething with what could only be jealousy. "What was that?"

"What?" Zetsu said innocently.

"What the fuck did she say?"

"Who?"

"You know who! What did Bitch say to you?" Hidan snapped.

Zetsu grinned sadistically. He wasn't sure what he was enjoying more: the information he just received or the fact that Hidan was jealous of him. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Hidan. _Please don't involve me in your silly little hallucinations_."

"Tell me, dammit!"

"What?"

"Tell me what Jaye said to you!"

"Fine, I suppose I will," Zetsu said, seeing that Hidan was becoming genuinely upset and would probably start screaming any second. Without hesitation or any consideration for Clari and Deidara, he told Hidan, "Jaye informed me that Clari and Deidara are getting married."

"Huh?" Hidan gasped, for this was shocking even to him.

"Indeed. They're engaged. That ring Clari has been wearing is her engagement ring," Zetsu said. Hidan thought and, with some clarity, recalled the slender silver ring to which Clari had a tendency to wear. In his imagination, though, it had a tiny little diamond on it.

"How does she know?" Hidan said suspiciously.

"Clari told her herself," Zetsu said. "I was hesitant to believe it myself, but she backed it up with so much evidence that it makes it hard not to believe. Clari's got a ring and she asked Jaye to witness the event. They aren't certain when they'll be married, so she hasn't told anyone, but she had to tell Jaye and Jaye told me because she couldn't keep it in any longer."

Hidan considered this. "I bet she's pregnant."

"Who?"

"Clari. They _have_ slept together," Hidan said, matter-of-fact. "She could have a bun in the oven."

"Yes, but they told us that they didn't do anything," Zetsu pointed out.

"If they did do something, do you really think that they'd tell us?" Hidan snorted.

"_Deidara doesn't strike me as the type to keep his personal affairs very private_," Zetsu said.

"He's keeping this a secret, isn't he?"

Zetsu paused. "Yes, he is, isn't he...?"

"I'm just saying, there's only two reasons why a couple wants to get married right away. One, the bitch is knocked up. Two, they wanna fuck each other without guilt." Hidan shrugged. "They don't seem like the couple to be very guilty about abstinence, and they've already slept in the same bed, with the door closed, without anybody knowing about it. More than once."

"So it stands to reason that it's actually very likely that Clari's pregnant..." Zetsu mumbled, thinking it through. There were gaps, to be sure, but it was adequate enough to launch a thorough investigation. Hidan nodded, feeling smart for once, and drifted away.

"Clari's what?" Kisame inquired, plopping down next to Zetsu in an attempt to get away from Pein's evil aura and the others' attempt at reviving Tobi. He took the remote and began flipping through channels, not really expecting much of an answer to his absent-minded question.

"Pregnant," Zetsu stated.

Kisame's jaw dropped and the remote fell from his hand. "What?"

"Well, you see..."

And so, it began.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari strolled through the isles of the store, humming to herself and pushing the cart along. Beside her, Deidara glanced around the store curiously. Even after three visits he still hadn't quite grasped the concept of a mall. Clari smiled to herself. It was kind of...cute.

As soon as this thought crossed her mind, she ducked her head and stared at the list intently. _What's next_? she thought. _We already got milk, so...hair dye._

During Clari's infatuation with the grocery list, Deidara had unconsciously wandered in front of her. Suddenly, he stopped. Soon afterward, Clari ran into him with her cart. He still didn't move, transfixed by whatever had caused him to cease walking.

"Deidara? What are you doing?" Clari asked, irritated. She peaked over his shoulder to see what he was staring at, and her eyes widened. Deidara looked down at her and grinned. She shook her head vigorously. "No, no, no! Don't even think about it."

"C'mon, un!" Deidara said, turning back to the mysterious item and beaming at it with pride. "Please, can we get it?"

"No! I'm not getting you a stupid toy like that!" Clari growled.

"But it's me!" Deidara pointed out, grabbing the box off the shelf and thrusting it in her face. It was, indeed, a miniature plastic Deidara, wearing a very intent expression and clasping his hands together in a seal. It was pretty detailed, for a cheap plastic toy, but was still only equivalent to something you could get inside a Happy Meal at McDonalds. The only reason Deidara had for wanting to possess such a thing was because it was an action figure of him.

"No! It's a silly plastic toy!"

"Please? How often does somebody get to have an action figure of themself, un?" Deidara pleaded. He wouldn't be reduced to this if he had his own money, but obviously the money he did have wouldn't work here. He knew that if he couldn't convince Clari to get it then he could just steal her wallet, but that would make her angry.

Clari sighed. "How much is it?"

Deidara glanced down at the price tag and pointed at the set of numbers. Clari shook her head, outraged by the absurd price of such a cheap toy. "Sorry, but no. I'm not willing to spend seven bucks on something so stupid."

"You sound like Kakuzu!"

"I don't care," Clari snapped. "It probably costs a nickel to make that thing, and they charge seven dollars for it! No way am I buying - Deidara! Give me back my wallet!"

Deidara dangled the wallet out of her reach, smirking as she stood on her toes to try to reach it and was unsuccessful. When she was reduced to hopping in a foolish attempt to retrieve her wallet, Deidara compromised.

"If I can't get this," he said, waving the toy in front of her face. He gestured to the cart, "Then you can't get all that, un."

"This is totally a hostage situation!" Clari glared, crossing her arms and pouting like a child. "Give me back my money!"

"Buy me the toy."

"Ugh! Fine, I'll buy you the stupid toy. Now give me back my wallet!"

"I'll give it to you when we get to the register. Until then, I'll keep it so you don't try anything funny," Deidara said. He threw the toy in the cart and stuck the wallet in his pocket, grinning at Clari has she roughly seized the cart and stormed towards the health and beauty section of the store.

oOoOoOoOo

By noon, nearly every Akatsuki member was completely convinced that Deidara and Clari were getting married because Clari was having a baby. As the rumor spread, it even became more detailed. Clari was starting to get a baby bump, Kisame said. Kakuzu claimed that he thought he heard someone getting sick one morning...morning sickness, perhaps? Tobi pointed out that Clari had been more irritable lately. Besides that fact, there was the ring (which, according to Hidan, was a twenty-four carrat diamond) and Jaye, who had been told about the wedding directly.

The only people who weren't aware of the wedding and the baby were Pein, Lily, and Konan. Even Itachi had gotten whiff of it, but he simply didn't care. He considered telling Lily, but decided against it when he thought of the reaction that would surely surface. Why create more drama than there already was?

Konan noticed that the others were acting strangely, and investigated. Finally, she got the truth out of Tobi and was horrified. There was no lack of "evidence" now; what was once a rumor had slowly become concrete fact. Clari was pregnant, and was getting married to Deidara. If there was any doubt, it was washed away by the imaginations of those who concocted the story.

It was clear that Pein had no idea what was going on, and neither did Lily. It was also evident that no one else was going to inform them, because of their infamous wrath when it came to Clari and, in Lily's case at least, Jaye. Konan knew that it would be even worse than what the others could possibly imagine. Only Zetsu, Konan, and Pein knew of Clari's biological make up. The others had no idea that Pein had a reason to be upset. And if he didn't really have a reason before...Konan shuddered. But it was her duty was their friend to tell Pein and Lily, so tell them she did.

Immediately, the aura in the kitchen became overwhelmingly dark. Konan thought she saw demons flying around the two of them and trembled at their anger. Before they could cause her any bodily harm (for at this point, Konan was thoroughly frightened that they'd gone insane), she fled the kitchen. Lily and Pein glared at each other with all the malice they possessed, which was more than anyone had any right to possess, and uttered a single, chilling phrase simultaneously.

"_I'LL KILL HIM_..."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari shook her head in amusement as she and Deidara carried grocery bags to the house. He had not let anyone but himself handle his action figure, not even the cashier at the register. She couldn't help but think that he was acting a lot like Tobi, but she didn't say anything because she knew that he would probably skin her alive for comparing him to the childish masked man.

As they stepped onto the porch, Deidara shivered. "Did it suddenly get colder over here...?"

Clari frowned and opened the door to the house.

She was bombarded with people, asking her so many questions that she could only get tiny clips of each sentence. She felt hands on her stomach and on her left hand.

"There is a ring!"

"Would you look at that?"

"Shit, we were right!"

"Tobi doesn't feel it kicking!"

"It's too early for the baby to kick, dumbass."

"She does have somewhat of a bump..."

"Deidara, you cheapskate! This ring doesn't even have a diamond on it!"

"Are you feeling okay, Clari? Do you need some water?"

"Why are you letting her carry groceries? She's having your baby!"

Clari began twitching as her temper audibly snapped. "_WHAT_?"

The questions stopped. Everyone was nearly blown backwards by the force of her scream. Deidara was stunned into silence, blinking at everyone as if he had not quite absorbed the situation. Clari, on the other hand, was furious beyond words.

"Clari-chan," Tobi said, boldly patting her stomach. "You shouldn't stress yourself like that. It might hurt the baby."

"BABY?" Clari yelled. "WHAT BABY?"

"Deidara-senpai's baby," Tobi explained.

Deidara glanced at Clari questioningly. "You're pregnant, un?"

"OF COURSE I'M NOT PREGNANT!" Clari roared.

Suddenly, the roof started to freeze over. Everyone started and turned around, eyes widening. From the door, there were the thick black tendrils of an evil aura snaking towards them. From inside there came harsh whispers. "_Clari...Deidara..._."

The two in question were so horrified that they couldn't move. The figures of Lily and Pein drifted onto the porch, their rage so thick that they seemed to be floating on it. They made eye contact with the two "lovers," who jumped back with terror and befuddlement written on every feature.

_What have I done...? _Konan thought.

"Tobi can't...breathe..." Tobi gasped, clutching his throat and collapsing.

"_Clari...Deidara..._" Pein and Lily hissed again, raising an arm in unison. Clari and Deidara came to their senses and started to bolt from the house. Pein clenched his fingers and they were pulled backwards, unable to move.

"O-okay, t-this is a huge m-misunderstanding..." Clari stuttered.

"_Misunderstanding..._?"

"Y-yeah. I'm not pregnant. I swear," Clari said, momentarily coming out of her fear to bask in the absurdity of such a thing happening with Deidara.

Deidara noticed her tone and became defensive. "Why do you have to say it like that, un...?"

"You're not pregnant?" Pein said. The aura suddenly became less overwhelming.

"No," Clari said, her tone once again stabbing Deidara's ego.

"What about marriage?" Lily inquired.

"Marriage?" Clari repeated.

"You two aren't getting married?" Pein said, looking pointedly at the ring on Clari's hand.

"Wha - ah - no! Of course we aren't getting _married_!" Clari spat, as if she would never allow such a thing to happen. Deidara was beginning to sink into a depression from loss of ego. Clari stuck out her hand, oblivious to Deidara's woe. "Does this look like an engagement ring to you? I'm too young to get married anyway."

It was evident that Clari's testimony was taking affect. Pein and Lily were recognizable, though still angry. But at least their anger wasn't directed at the innocent pair in front of them. It was directed at the gossipers who were quivering in their shoes.

"Who started this?" Pein asked.

"Tobi heard it from Kisame-san!"

"Yeah, so did I!" Kakuzu said.

"Me, too," Itachi admitted.

"I heard it from Zetsu!" Kisame accused.

"_Hidan came up with the part about Clari being pregnant_!" Zetsu said. "And I heard if from Jaye!"

There was silence as everyone processed this last sentence. _Jaye..._

"JAAAAAAYE!" Clari screeched, seething. Her cousin was the only one missing, probably for this reason. Lily slumped when she realized that her daughter, who had caused all this mess, was at work and wouldn't be back until dinner time.

As the others migrated back into the house, Clari simmered on the porch. "I will get my revenge, dammit!"

"That's great," Deidara said glumly. "...un."

Clari raised an eyebrow. "Are you gloomy because I said that there was no chance that we would ever get married or have kids?"

Deidara winced, this question bringing back the newfound pain of his missing ego.

"You really do have a big head," Clari sighed. She reached into a grocery bag and pulled out the action figure. "This ought to cheer you up."

Deidara looked at the toy, pouting. "Yeah..."

As they began walking back into the house, Pein grabbed Clari's arm and stopped her. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. This was probably the time. She needed to know...before it was too late.

"Clari, there's something we need to talk about."

"Okay..."

Pein fidgeted. Clari believed that this was the first time she had ever seen him fidget. "I...I only found this out the other day...from Zetsu and Konan..."

"I know, you've been acting weird," Clari said. "Just spit it out."

"Clari, I am your father."

oOoOoOoOo

**Now you know what would have happened if Clari got pregnant with Deidara's baby, and they decided to get married. Oh ho, what good fun. As I've mentioned before, I love torturing my characters. **

**So now we're back in the "real world" and some interesting things are about to happen...**


	15. Star Wars and Future Happiness

**Chapter Thirteen: Star Wars and Future Happiness**

* * *

"I'm so sorry," Jaye cried, the very vision of pity. Before she'd entered the house, Bear had warned her that everyone was pissed at her stunt, particularly Clari, Deidara, Lily, and Pein. Apparently the brilliant Akatsuki members had elaborated on her story, much more than she'd originally intended them to. Clari had been pregnant.

It took all Jaye's willpower not to burst into laughter even as she apologized to everyone. Clari! Pregnant! And with Deidara's baby! It was better revenge then she could have ever imagined.

Lily gave her a stern look. "You know better than to start rumors."

"Are you...disappointed?" Jaye sniffed, looking up at her mother.

"Disappointed?" Lily repeated. Jaye trembled, in actual fear, as she felt the smothered wrath of Pein.

"You're lucky I didn't kill you, or Deidara," Pein said coldly. This was even more terrifying than if he had yelled and screamed at her, because he actually felt as if he meant it.

"I'm really sorry," Jaye sighed, more sincere. The person she wanted to get this message through to the most, Clari, was silent. She'd been silent ever since Jaye arrived home from work. It was evident that she'd been like this since before Jaye got home, for everyone, particularly Deidara and Pein, had been casting curious glances her way. Clari should've been the most upset, screaming and threatening up a storm. But she was acting like she didn't care.

_Or maybe she cares more than I thought she would_, Jaye fussed, once again giving Clari a worried look. _Maybe she's really, really mad at me. Beyond words_.

"Just go up to your room, Jaye, and don't come back down until tomorrow," Lily ordered with exasperation, her eyes flickering to the lonely corner where Clari sat.

Jaye nodded and went up to her room. She didn't feel like arguing now. What had she done? It was only a little joke! She hadn't meant anything by it. Clari should have been upset, but she shouldn't have been angry enough to completely ignore her. Clari hadn't said a single word to Jaye all evening. Jaye knocked her head against the wall, nearly ripping out her hair. "What did I do?"

oOoOoOoOo

"Luke, I am your father."

Pein twitched and glanced at Clari, who was still curled up in the corner of the room. The area surrounding her could only be described with one word: gloom. Even in the dark room, everyone was aware of her unusual depression. Pein doubted that anyone was actually paying any attention to the movie, _Star Wars_. Clari's attitude was just too strange.

After Pein uttered the very truth that Darth Vader was delivering now, Clari had stared at him and stared at him. It seemed forever before she finally spoke. When she did, it wasn't anything reassuring.

"What?" she'd said.

"I'm your father," Pein explained. "While we were gone, Konan and Zetsu ran a DNA test and found out the truth. I was...involved with Emi before, but after she left I didn't think much of it. I knew she was pregnant, but it didn't occur to me that I could've been the father."

Her next reaction was even more unexpected.

"Pfffthahahahahahaha!" she guffawed, shaking uncontrollably. "That's funny! Did Jaye put you up to this?"

"I'm completely serious," Pein sighed.

Clari stopped laughing. She gazed down thoughtfully for a moment, and, without a word, picked up the grocery bags and followed Deidara into the house. She'd been silent and thoughtful ever since. Pein felt a twinge of panic. It would have been worse if she'd simply refused to believe it, or yelled at him for missing sixteen years of her life. That, he could understand. But he didn't know what to make of this!

Suddenly, she stood. "I'm going to bed."

"Okay," Lily said. "Good night!"

"Night..." Slowly, Clari stood and walked from the room.

Immediately, everyone fell into hushed whispers. "What was that about?"

"I don't know, she wasn't like that until we got home, un," Deidara said.

Konan gave Pein a look.

"Do you think she's that made at Jaye?" Lily inquired.

"No, she was shouting when she originally found out, un. I don't think this has anything to do with Jaye," Deidara admitted.

"Then...what is this about?" Zetsu said.

Everyone was silent.

"Tobi thinks that everyone should try their best to cheer Clari-chan up!"

"That's right, Tobi," Konan agreed. "We should try pulling Clari through this instead of being nosy and figuring out what's wrong."

"But...wouldn't it be easier to cheer her up with we knew what was wrong?" Zetsu pointed out.

"He makes a good point," said Kisame.

Kakuzu thought. "So now the question is...how do we find out?"

Everyone turned towards Deidara.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye half expected it to be Clari that knocked on the door. Whether to come to say she forgave her or to say that she hated her, Jaye couldn't figure out, but she just wanted Clari to talk to her again.

However, when she opened the door, it was not Clari who was standing there. It was Deidara, with a helpless look on his face.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"I need your help, un!" Deidara cried. "They want me to find out what's wrong with Clari or cheer her up, but I don't know how! I figured that if anyone did, it'd be you."

Jaye shook her head. "I have no idea what's wrong. I didn't think the prank would be that bad..."

"It doesn't have anything to do with your stupid prank, un," Deidara said, his face suddenly becoming irritated.

"Eh..." was the only response Jaye could come up with. She should have known better than to bring that up now; Deidara had also been a target. Because of her, he'd nearly been killed by Pein and Lily.

Deidara continued. "There's something else wrong, un."

"Well, I can't really help you with that, but if you want to cheer her up..."

"What do I do, un?"

"Talk to her," Jaye said. "She's acting like this because she wants someone to ask her what's wrong. She wants to unload."

"So why doesn't she just say so?"

"Because, then she'll feel bad for burdening someone with her troubles," Jaye said, shaking her head as if Deidara should have known this. "Trust me. It seems like she wants to be left alone, but if she really did want to be left alone then she would be acting normal. She wants to talk about whatever's bothering her."

"...You women are so confusing, un," Deidara sighed.

"Excuse us for not being simpleminded neanderthals," Jaye retorted.

"What did you - "

"Just go talk to her," Jaye commanded. With that, she slammed the door in his face and flopped down on the bed. Bear padded over and curled up beside her.

"You just pulled all that out of your ass, didn't you?" he said blandly.

"Yeah, but I think that Clari really does need someone to talk to," Jaye said.

"And you think she'll actually talk to Blondie...?"

"Maybe. We'll just have to wait and see."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari did not open the door when Deidara knocked. She didn't open the door when he called her name on the other side. She knew it was him, yet she still did not open the door.

Deidara felt his ego diminishing. It was physically painful.

When he reported Clari's response to the others, there was a unanimous sigh. All they could do was wait until she told them, or until she was normal again.

This fact did not settle well with anyone. Most of them went to bed early, hoping that they would wake up and this would be a horrible dream. Everyone missed Clari.

But when they woke up the next morning, Clari was not downstairs making breakfast. Lily ended up making pancakes before she went to work. After eating breakfast, she still did not come down. The Akatsuki went to go train; Jaye went with them. Jaye knocked on Clari's door, asking if she wanted to come to, but there was no response.

As soon as they left, Bear floated up the stairs until he got to Clari's room. Then with a huff and a puff, he rammed her door down.

"WAAAAAAH!" Clari screamed, tumbling out of bed.

"Wow," Bear said, trotting into the room. "That's the first emotion I've seen you display all day."

"What are you - ?"

Bear stopped in front of her and looked her square in the eye, with more intelligence than a dog had any right to possess. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"I should be asking you that!" Clari exclaimed.

"I don't know what your problem is," Bear continued as if she hadn't spoken, "but it needs to end here. You're causing everyone to worry unnecessarily. If you have a problem, then tell somebody or keep it inside. But don't think that you have the right to sulk, because you don't!"

Clari stared down at the floor. "I can't believe I'm getting lectured by a dog..."

"It's shameful, isn't it?" Bear scolded mercilessly. "Assuming that you refused Blondie last night - "

"Why do you have to word it like that...?" Clari muttered.

" - Then you must not want to talk about it, right?" Bear stared at her. "If you do, this is your last chance."

Clari inhaled. "No, I don't."

"Then pull yourself together and stop burdening everyone with your self-pity," Bear said harshly. "You are causing a disturbance to everyone, making them all concerned when they should be happy to be back home. When they get back from training, you better be ready to confess what's bothering you or at least making an attempt to act like you're alright. If not, then you're just bringing them down with you."

oOoOoOoOo

When the others got home, sweaty and out of breath from training, they stopped at the door. The aroma of grilled cheese teased their noses, and music blasted from the kitchen, along with some very off-key singing. They edged into the house, peeping into the kitchen where Clari was singing and flipping grilled cheeses. Her old orange streaks were now purple. They stood in the entrance and watched her, but she did not notice them until Jaye cleared her throat.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "I didn't hear you come in...you guys want some lunch?"

"Sure!" everybody agreed. They all sat and ate grilled cheese. Clari seemed to be back to normal, talking and laughing and joking around. At first, everyone was suspicious, but as she persisted in acting the way she usually did they began to believe she was feeling better. She even passed Jaye's critical inspection. And although they were all curious, they still didn't ask her what was wrong for fear of sending her back into her depression.

Pein was particularly curious, but he withheld from asking Clari anything. He wanted to know what she thought about what he'd told her, but Konan suggested that he wait until she came to him. Don't push her into telling him. This was a huge shock to her.

After lunch, most of the Akatsuki migrated into the living room. Clari grabbed Pein's arm before he could exit with the others. He paused and looked at her, anticipating her response to what was said.

"I'm...not mad," were her first words. This caused Pein little relief, but he listened to what she had to say. "I know it's not your fault that you missed so much, and I believe that if you'd known you would have made an effort to see me. But you didn't know, so it's not your fault."

Pein waited for her to finish.

"But, I don't think that gives you any right to suddenly become a father figure," Clari said, wincing. The words had come out more harshly then she'd intended them to. "I look up to you, sure, but...what I'm saying is that I don't think we should make an effort to be father-daughtery after learning that we're related. I think we should just...be normal."

"Agreed," Pein nodded. "Do you want to tell the others? Zetsu and Konan already know, of course, but I've told them not to gossip about it or else they'll end up with the same fate as Orochimaru."

Clari gulped. "You mean...dead?"

"Oh, no," Pein said, waving a hand dismissively. "Of course not. I wouldn't kill them for something like that. No, when Orochimaru started a rumor about me when he was still part of the Akatsuki, I grabbed his tongue and pulled it until it stretched out the way it is now."

"That explains a lot..." Clari murmured, for she'd always wondered exactly how Orochimaru's tongue had become like that.

"So, do you want to tell the others?"

Clari shrugged. "You can if you think we should. They'll probably find out somehow anyway."

Pein nodded again and left the room. Clari sighed, and slumped. Even though she had told Pein everything that was on her mind, she didn't feel any better. Maybe it was just the general surprise at finding out that her father was not only a powerful ninja, but also the leader of a gang of criminals, and only ten years older than she. It was a lot to take in.

She heard footsteps coming into the kitchen and fixed her expression into a normal one.

"Hey, un," Deidara greeted, opening the pantry and digging around in the food. Clari gave him a look of disbelief.

"Didn't you just eat like, four grilled cheeses?" she asked.

"I'm hungry, un. Building muscles like these takes a lot of energy," he boasted, flexing his arms and grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry.

Clari rolled her eyes. "I see your big head is slowly returning."

"Slowly but surely," Deidara grinned, tearing open the bag of chips with his teeth and earning a look of disapproval from Clari. He dumped chips in his mouth and, curiosity finally getting the best of him, asked her the question that had been bothering everyone all day. "So...are you feeling okay now, un? You were kinda...depressed earlier..."

Clari was still for a second. Then she burst into tears.

Deidara jumped and dropped the bag of chips, in immediate panic mode. _Shit, shit, shit_! he thought frantically. _She's crying! She's definitely crying! This was exactly what I was afraid of! Shit! What do I do? How do I make it stop? Please, stop crying! What did I say? I don't think I've ever seen Clari cry before! God, Jaye's gonna kill me! Lily's gonna kill me! Pein's gonna kill me! Gaaaah! Shiiiiit_!

"Eh...uh...C-Clari, don't cry, un," he said cautiously. "I didn't mean to say anything..."

"It's not your fault," Clari sniffed, rubbing her eyes. "Sorry, I'm just...emotionally unstable..."

"Oh...is it...you know..._that _time?" Deidara asked awkwardly.

Clari scowled and slapped him. "No! I am _not _PMSing!"

"Well, sorry, un! You said you were emotionally unstable!"

"In what world does that translate into 'I'm on my period'?"

"Everybody's world!"

Clari pouted crossly. Deidara sighed. "Why are you emotionally unstable, un?"

"You don't really want to hear the story," Clari said, slightly irritated because that is exactly what his tone conveyed.

"Not really," Deidara said honestly. He turned to leave.

Behind him, he heard a mournful sigh. As he took another step, he was hit with another long sigh. Deidara paused, debating on whether he should continue walking or not. When Clari gave yet another heavy sigh (that seemed to last for a full minute) he rolled his eyes and turned back around.

"You know, you loose a little bit of future happiness every time you sigh, un," he warned.

"Really?" Clari said, blinking.

"Yeah."

Clari was silent. She stared ahead intently, for a really long time. Deidara raised an eyebrow, idly wondering what she was doing. The veins in her forehead started to pop out, and her face turned purple.

"Breathe! Clari, breathe!"

She exhaled an exorbitant amount of air and immediately covered her mouth in horror afterwords, as if she could stop the flood of future happiness from rushing right out of her mouth. Deidara shook his head. "That sigh doesn't count, un."

"How do you know?"

Deidara gave her a look. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong or not?"

"Not really..." Clari admitted, causing Deidara to start.

"Then what am I here for, un?" he inquired, frustrated.

"...I dunno," Clari answered, shrugging. She was unconsciously returning into full sulking mode, which is definitely not something that Deidara could let happen. Not only would he probably be blamed for it but...well, it was weird to see her spirits so broken. It was clear that, even though she put on a good act, she was not happy. And Clari was not Clari when she wasn't happy.

Suddenly, Clari was engulfed by Deidara's radiating warmth and his earthy scent, felt his arms wrap around her slim frame. She blinked, realizing that she was being hugged. Not like the spongy, wet hug that she'd received that day in the hide out. Not even like those terrible nights when the thunder was shaking the walls of the house and Deidara's arms were her only comfort. This time he was not doing it to tease her, and he was not doing it to protect her from her fears. He was hugging her simply because she was sad. It wasn't unpleasant...in fact, it was nice. She relaxed, letting herself rest her head on his chest. It was what she needed. A hug.

"Better, un?" Deidara asked, his voice a deep rumble next to her ear.

"Yeah," Clari replied quietly, closing her eyes. "Much better."

oOoOoOoOo

Later that evening, Pein told Lily and Jaye that he was Clari's biological father. He only told them because he felt like they had the biggest claim to such information, but, unlike Zetsu and Konan, he said that they could choose to tell the others if they wished.

Needless to say, everyone knew of it by dinner time. Most of them didn't really mention it, and just gave Clari and Pein weird looks. Jaye wore an air of triumph, because her theory was right. Tobi actually congratulated the both of them, much to their confusion. Deidara seemed to be in a state of shock.

No one wondered about Clari's odd behavior anymore either. It was evident that this was the cause of it, and there was no use bringing up such awkward subjects. The initial surprise of Clari's parentage would eventually be accepted and fade into the backs of their minds. After all, this was nothing compared to the gossip that she was pregnant with Deidara's baby.

"Bitch!" Hidan ordered, pointing at her with his fork. "Pass me the corn."

"You are so needy," Jaye sneered, reaching across the table to grab the bowl containing the yellow vegetable. As she rudely passed Hidan the bowl, his fingers brushed against her hand, sending an electric pulse up her arm. Jaye started. This shock was so great that they dropped the corn on the floor, getting the side dish everywhere and causing the bowl to shatter.

The room was instantly silent, like the calm before the storm. As the two of them stared at each other with baffled expressions, pressure seemed to build up in the very air surrounding them until...

"BITCH! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"

"ME? THAT WAS ALL YOU, BASTARD!"

"I ONLY DROPPED THE BOWL BECAUSE YOU SHOCKED ME!"

"_YOU_ SHOCKED _ME_, DUMBASS!"

"YOU'RE CLEANING THIS UP, BITCH! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

"I AM NOT, I REPEAT, _NOT_ CLEANING THIS MESS UP!"

Before they could argue further, Lily flicked Hidan in the ear and Clari covered Jaye's mouth with her hand. Pein took action in punishment, since the other two had their hands full with the pair.

"Hidan, you will clean the glass off the floor," Pein instructed, rising from his seat and clearly suggesting that the others do so, since everyone was almost done with dinner anyway. "And Jaye can clean the food. Any objections?"

"No..." Hidan said grudgingly, rubbing his ear.

"Uh..." Jaye mumbled. She wanted to object, but she couldn't with Clari's hand in the way. She tried licking it, but Clari was so used to that trick by now that it didn't affect her anymore. She didn't even flinch.

"Great," Pein said, leaving the room. The others followed, looking at the spilled corn on their way out. Clari wiped her hand on Jaye's sleeve and left too.

The two of them stared at the mess they made in silence. Jaye sighed and looked down at her hand, which was still tingling where Hidan's fingers had brushed against it. "That was weird."

"You're telling me," Hidan said. He was looking at his hand too.

"It really felt like you electrocuted me..."

"No, it was different."

The glanced at each other, then back down at their hands. Jaye flexed her fingers, trying to work away the prickles that still lingered. There was silence again as they stared at their hands. When the needles started to fade, Jaye looked up at Hidan. Hidan looked up at Jaye. They stared at each other for a moment. With a sigh, Jaye looked at the mess of corn and stood up. "I'll go get the mop. You start picking up the bowl you broke."

"That I broke? I don't think so, bitch!"

"What, are you saying I broke it?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying!"

"Bullshit!"

"Whatever," Hidan muttered, squatting to pick up the remains of the glass bowl as Jaye left to retrieve the mop. Still, the touch lingered in the back of his mind, much like the secretive kiss that had started it all.

oOoOoOoOo

**THE FLUFF! AH, IT BURNS! **

**It's so hard to write fluffy stuff! DX Banter between characters is so much easier. But, as my friend so gladly pointed out to me, the deeper relationships between characters were being neglected and were going nowhere. I've been meaning to put fluff in this story for a while. It's not that I don't like writing fluffy scenes, it's just that every time I do they turn out cheesy and awkward and out of place. You don't know how long it took me to get the Deidara/Clari scene right, and even now I still have some issues with it. **

**Fluff...curse you, fluff. **

**And most of you are probably wondering: _Well, if she doesn't like fluff then why does she put it in her story_? The simple fact is that I do like fluff, I just have more experience reading it then I do writing about it. I also figured that perfecting fluff in my stories will help me expand as a writer, and then I can progress to even more intense scenes and, therefore, more intense characters. Generally, couples in my stories exchange a lot of affectionate banter and childish fluff. I have trouble with anything more than that.**

**dot dot dot**

**So anyway...sorry about the shortness of this chapter and the "soap opera" feel. This story is loosing the comedy, isn't it...ISN'T IT? Don't worry, I will eventually balance the soap opera-ness and the comedy. Like I said, I've been putting off a lot of the deeper aspects of the story that I had originally planned for it. **

**This is a really long author's note...**


	16. Vows of Honor and Cold Closets

**Chapter Fourteen: Vows of Honor and Cold Closets**

* * *

Everyone was bored out of their minds.

They'd exhausted every possible activity: training, television, video games, even a board game or two. There was absolutely nothing else available for entertainment at the house. The only person still spouting ideas was Tobi, and all of them were immediately rejected.

"Hide-and-seek?" he suggested.

"No," everyone dismissed.

"Tag?" he hoped.

"No," everyone denied.

"Truth-or-dare?" he blurted.

The others thought about this suggestion. Truth-or-dare was notorious at slumber parties for little girls, who often giggled and squealed amidst their friends admitting who they liked at school or performing some random, almost always obscene stunt. However, disregarding the fact that these were the general conditions in which truth-or-dare was played, it wasn't a completely terrible idea. _And_, Clari thought deviously, _I still need to get Jaye back for that rumor she spread_...

As Clari was steadily recovering from the discovery that she was related to a gang leader from another world (and he was her father, on top of that), she found herself pondering revenge for Jaye more and more often. Jaye deserved revenge, for her little rumor was much too severe a punishment for Clari's balloon prank. But as for what was acceptable revenge for the rumor, Clari couldn't figure out. Perhaps this truth-or-dare tournament would supply an ample opportunity.

"That sounds okay with me," she said aloud. "It's better than sitting here, doing nothing."

The others also agreed, with the exception of Pein, Itachi, and Zetsu, all of whom claimed that they would rather be bored than participate in such a childish activity. Everyone else shrugged and continued with the preparations for the game. They were too used to being described by words like "childish" and "immature" to be bothered by it anymore.

"Okay everybody," Jaye began as everyone sat in a circle. "Raise your right hand for vows of honor."

"Vows of honor?" Hidan inquired, raising his left hand.

"It just ensures that you'll tell the truth and do whatever is required of you during the game," Jaye explained, cheerfully correcting him by pulling his right hand into the air and slapping his left hand. When everyone had their right hands in the air, Jaye recited, "Everyone participating in this honorable game of truth-or-dare must solemnly swear to tell the truth, the complete truth, and nothing but the truth. If they choose to select a dare, they must perform the dare to the best of their ability no matter what the circumstances. If anyone in this circle disobeys the previous rules then they will suffer horrible nightmares so frightening that they will wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, sobbing into the depths of their pillow and possibly even urinating the bed, for the next week. To everyone who agrees with these terms, say 'Aye.' "

The "ayes" were a bit hesitant after that speech, but eventually everyone took their vow.

"Who wants to go first?" Clari asked.

"Tobi wants to go first!" Tobi said, waving his hand in the air and whacking Deidara's head in the process. The irritated artist pushed Tobi into Kisame, who retorted by slapping the back of Tobi's head.

"Uh...okay, Tobi..." Clari said, amused by the episode.

"Does it matter who Tobi picks?"

"Nope, pick anybody."

"Hmmm..." Tobi debated. "Tobi picks Deidara-senpai!"

"Crap, un..."

"Truth or dare, Deidara-senpai?"

Deidara sighed. "Dare, I guess."

"Tobi dares Deidara-senpai to say, 'Tobi is a good boy'!"

"No way, un!" Deidara refused, crossing his arms and shaking his head like a kid. "I'm not doing that!"

"You have to, Deidara-senpai, or else you'll get nightmares..." Tobi pointed out.

Deidara who, even after Clari revealed the truth about Bobo, was still weary of Jaye and her demonic exorcism abilities, swallowed his disgust (there was a considerable amount of pride, too) and said, grudgingly, "Tobi...isagoodboy!"

"What was that, Deidara-senpai?" Tobi asked, cupping a hand around his ear. "Tobi couldn't hear you."

"I said it, and you can't make me say it again, un!" Deidara shouted.

"He's right, Tobi," Jaye admitted. "Your turn, Deidara."

"Tobi!" Deidara yelled. "Truth or dare?"

"Uh...um...truth! Ah, no, dare! Yes, Tobi picks dare!" Tobi said, flustered by Deidara's sudden outburst.

"I dare you to go sit outside until the game is over, un."

"But it's cold!"

"If you don't do it, you'll get nightmares," Deidara said sadistically.

Tobi sniffed. "Yes..."

He exited the room and opened the back door, slumping in front of the window where they could all clearly see him. He turned his head and pressed face against the glass, staring at them with a hopelessness that was painful to see.

"That was cruel and unusual," Clari accused, shaking her head.

"So who's going next, since Tobi obviously can't do it?" Jaye asked.

"I'll go!" Hidan said. He pointed a finger at Kakuzu. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth," Kakuzu said without hesitation.

Hidan drooped. "Fuck you! Why?"

"Because I'm not stupid enough to take a dare from you."

"You mean you're too scared," Hidan taunted.

Kakuzu shrugged. "To me, bravery and stupidity are one and the same. I can't count the number of episodes of obvious idiocy I've encountered that were masked by the word bravery. If you ask me, unless you're defending your life or your savings, there's no need for simple misconceptions like courage."

"Well...no one asked you!" Hidan cried.

"Are you going to continue with the game or not?"

"I can't even think of a stupid fucking question anymore!" Hidan exclaimed, scowling at his partner. "I pass!"

"Fine, then I suppose it's my turn," Kakuzu said. "Clari."

"Eh? Me?" Clari said.

"You're the only Clari here, are you not?" Kakuzu sneered. Boredom in addition to cold weather was making him snappish, for he cared about neither circumstance. "Truth or dare?"

Clari, who also wasn't stupid enough to perform a dare demanded by Kakuzu, picked truth.

"Is it true that you kept the waitress outfit from your mission with Deidara and Tobi?"

Clari blushed vividly. "Yeah, b-but only because I wanted to - "

"I didn't ask for an explanation," Kakuzu interrupted, causing everyone to chuckle.

"It was just an inspiration for a maids outfit I was drawing on one of my characters!" Clari finished before he could rudely interrupted her again and, therefore, embarrass her further.

"Can I see, un?" Deidara asked, completely serious.

"It's still a rough draft..."

"Okay, let's get on with the game before you two launch into a _riveting_ discussion about art," Jaye said sarcastically.

"I guess it's my turn," Clari said. She pointed a finger at Jaye. "Truth or dare?"

Jaye debated this for a very long time. Never, not once, in the history of this childish little game had Jaye picked truth as her option and she had no immediate plans of changing this pride when the game began. However, Clari was seeking revenge and Jaye was painfully aware that this was the perfect opportunity for her to commence with it. By choosing Jaye, Clari was declaring a challenge.

Jaye decided that whatever Clari did couldn't be too bad, and (as childish and stubborn as it was) she honestly wanted to keep her "dare devil" title. So, looking her cousin in the eye and graciously accepting the challenge, she picked dare.

Clari smiled deviously, a change of expression that was so pronounced and terrifying that Jaye suddenly wondered if she should have just given up her title. Clari had thought about this and had ensured that she had everything she needed to torture Jaye.

"Jaye, I dare you to spend seven minutes locked in the closet with Hidan."

Everyone's jaw dropped. _Clari must really be pissed about the rumor_, they thought. _To demand this of Jaye...does she have a death wish_?

"...In a closet...for seven minutes...with..." Jaye stared at Hidan, who stared back with eyes just as wide.

Clari gave another evil grin. "Seven minutes in a closet alone with Hidan. I'll be clocking."

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan and Jaye sat side-by-side in the dark closet, which was about as far away as they could get from each other. The closet was absolutely minuscule and allowed no room for separation. Jaye simmered silently, already going through the many ways she could extract revenge from Clari.

"How long has it been?" she asked.

"How the fuck should I know?" Hidan countered. "I'm not counting."

"It's not like you can count," Jaye retorted.

"What was that, bitch?"

Jaye did not bother answering, so stupid a question it was. She sighed and rested her chin on her knees. "I never knew Clari could be so...devious. It must come from Pein."

"It's not like being trapped in a closet with me is the end of the fucking world," Hidan muttered, a bit offended.

Jaye blinked, and then smirked. "Aw, did I hurt your feelings?"

"Fuck no! I'm just saying, you're being dramatic!" Hidan snapped.

"Right, _I'm_ the dramatic one," Jaye chuckled.

"What's that supposed to mean, bitch?"

"Oh, nothing." Jaye sighed again and shivered. "Is it me, or is it getting colder in here?"

"I wouldn't know, I've got this nice warm cloak," Hidan said smugly, snuggling deeper into the black folds of his Akatsuki robe. Jaye glared at him for a moment before realizing that he probably couldn't see her face. And if he couldn't see her face... Jaye sprouted another idea, this one involving her getting warmer. She silently moved her hands closer to the edge of the robe and, when she felt the soft fabric under her fingers, attacked Hidan.

"What the fuck?" he shouted, batting her away.

"I'm cold!"

"Then why are you - hey, that's mine, bitch!"

"Sharing is caring!"

"This isn't sharing, it's stealing!" Hidan wrenched the cloak away from her. Jaye slumped against the wall, dejected. Hidan scowled at her forlorn black form, a tiny trickle of guilt seeping into his heart. He sighed. "It's not that cold in here."

"Yes, it is," Jaye pouted.

"No, it's not."

"That's easy for you to say, you've got the cloak."

Hidan stared at her for a second. Then, with a huff, he shrugged off the cloak and threw it at her face. The weight of the enormous garment would have knocked Jaye over if there hadn't been a wall behind her. She looked at the cloak in her hands and then back at the owner with an imploring expression. Hidan, though he couldn't see her face, seemed to sense the question.

"I'll prove to you that it's not that cold in here," he stated, nodding and folding his muscular arms over his bare chest. Jaye smiled to herself (unwillingly) and slipped the cloak on. She was warm within seconds.

As she observed her cell mate, he began to become uncomfortable. Then, suddenly, he shivered. Jaye, who was perfectly content, paid no heed to this and relaxed against the wall. Hidan held out for as long as he could, but he didn't like the cold. He was soon shivering violently.

"Give me the cloak, dammit!" he roared, pulling the cloak open and squeezing inside with Jaye. He buttoned it up around them, firmly claiming his side of the cloak. He settled, resting his head against the wall and closing his eyes.

Jaye gaped at him. She wriggled around, but no matter what position she forced herself into she always seemed to be mashed against Hidan's chest. _There's no escape_! she thought, finally giving up and trying to find the most comfortable position, which was unfortunately the most embarrassing one. As Jaye rested her head on Hidan's shoulder, she thought, _Well, at least I'm warm_.

oOoOoOoOo

"Bear...what are you doing?" Clari asked, staring at the dog with befuddlement written plainly on her face. The dog had his ear pressed against the closet door, clearly listening to what Hidan and Jaye were doing in there. The others had heard some yelling and a thump or two, but they were too frightened of what they might hear if they actually tried to spy on the argumental pair. Bear, however, had no shame and pressed his ear against the crack in the door as soon as Clari shut it.

"I want to know if that poor excuse for a human being tries any dastardly deeds on my Queen," Bear whispered.

"That's kind of the whole point of this game..." Kisame pointed out. Somehow, an innocent game of truth-or-dare had become a thrilling episode of seven-minutes-in-heaven. _But with Hidan and Jaye, it might just be hell in there_, he thought blandly.

Clari said: "Dastardly?"

"Time's up!" Kakuzu called from the kitchen, prancing into the room with a giddy expression. The others paused in their conversation to simultaneously stare at him. He stared back. "What?"

"What the hell was that?" Kisame asked.

"What was what?"

"You were...skipping," Clari explained, equally freaked out.

"I'm eager to see what they're reactions will be when we open the door," Kakuzu said, barely containing his smile.

"Translation: 'I'm eager to see if they're gettin' it on right about now,' " Bear accused.

"Pervert," Deidara muttered.

Kakuzu scowled. "You're one to talk!"

Everyone gathered around as Clari rested her hand on the knob. Clari shook their head (even though this was her idea) and, on the count of three, quickly opened the closet door.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye sighed. "This sucks."

"Yes, it does. And it's all you're fault, bitch," Hidan said.

"My fault? How is it my fault?"

"You're the one who was so damn cold."

Jaye glared at Hidan, and Hidan glared at Jaye. They could clearly see each other's faces right now. It was impossible not to, with them being less than an inch apart.

After a while in the cloak with Hidan, Jaye had begun sweating. Hidan radiated warmth, which the cloak reflected back. No wonder he was always warm; he generated enough body heat to keep the whole house toasty! Why Jaye had never noticed this before, she wasn't certain. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that she'd never been this close to him before...

Anyway, she'd promptly complained about being hot. Hidan told her to evacuate the cloak. However, they soon discovered that there was one problem with this solution.

Jaye couldn't get out of it.

Neither of them could reach the buttons, and no matter which way Jaye wiggled or rolled, she was still stuck. They tried pushing away from each other, hoping to unsnap the buttons, but that didn't work either. The fabric didn't even rip. They were stuck, together, in a cloak.

Which is why the situation sucked.

And on top of that, Jaye couldn't come up with a good retort to Clari's dare. Between the sweltering heat and Hidan's immense body beside her, she just couldn't concentrate hard enough. Then again, she did have an S-ranked criminal ninja with her...might as well use him.

"Hidan, I need you to help me come up with revenge for Clari," Jaye said straightforwardly.

"Really? I was just thinking the same thing," Hidan said.

_Creepy_... Jaye thought.

"I was thinking that she would be a good sacrifice for Jashin..." Hidan continued, trailing off.

"No! No sacrifices!" Jaye forbid.

"Why?"

"Because we're not going to kill her for this! It's not that bad!"

Hidan smirked. "It's not so bad being in a closet with me, huh?"

Jaye hit him as hard as she could.

"Ow! Bitch!"

"I think we've already established this," Jaye said bluntly. "Now, back to revenge. Since neither of us can come up with a good plan ourselves, maybe if we put our heads together we can."

"I never said I didn't have a good plan," Hidan interrupted.

"What is it?" Jaye asked, curious as to what kind of plan would involve her in it.

Hidan leaned in and whispered the plan in her ear, as though they were being spied on. Which, they very well could have been. Jaye was disgusted by the plan at first, but Hidan managed to pester her until she saw the rewards of it. Yes...this was a good plan. Better than any she would have been able to come up with herself, as much as she hated to admit it.

Just as Hidan was finishing the details of the plan, the door was thrown open. The two of them squinted in the sudden harsh light, glaring up at the silhouettes above.

When they were finally able to make out the faces, they saw that everyone wore the same expression: the infamous _WTF_? look. Jaye scowled at them, thoroughly irked that they were looking at her like that. "What?"

"What are you doing?" Bear growled, flashing his teeth at Hidan.

"What the fuck are you talking about, mutt?"

"You're sweaty, and snuggled up together in a robe!" Bear accused.

Jaye realized what the others were seeing, and resisted the urge to push Hidan away from her with all her might. "So?"

The _WTF_? look became looks of complete and utter shock.

"What do you mean, 'so?'" Clari cried.

"Clari, I should thank you," Jaye said, looking up at her cousin earnestly. "In the last seven minutes, I've realized something that I never thought I would ever realize."

"...And what's that?" Clari asked, a bit cautiously.

"That I love Hidan."

No one was sure what made this lie so believable. It could have been the current circumstances, it could have been the years of practice that Jaye had invested into lying, or it could have been the fact that everyone had already clearly seen that these two made a compatible couple. Maybe it was Zetsu's premonition. Or perhaps it was the fact that, deep down, the two of them really did have some special relationship.

Still, the living room was dead silent.

oOoOoOoOo

Through the combined efforts of the hollow Akatsuki members, they managed to get Jaye out of the robe. The only ones who seemed to be even relatively lively were the two deceitful lovebirds themselves. And they, too, were more than a little bit awkward. Jaye was contemplating on how she would keep up the charade of the adoring girlfriend. They couldn't behave like they normally would, because they spat hateful words at each other and that wouldn't convince anyone of their "love." However, if they started acting sickeningly sweet towards each other then it would make everyone suspicious. Besides, Jaye almost vomited whenever she thought about it. She didn't think she'd be able to pull that off.

Sounds echoed from the front door, and Jaye felt her face go white. Lily! She hadn't thought about how Lily would react to this news! If Lily was upset like she had been with Deidara and Clari, then it wouldn't be worth it for revenge. She and Hidan would be too dead for revenge!

Lily clicked in the room, throwing her coat across the back of the couch and flopping down between Konan and Itachi, shedding her heels as she did so. When she finally sensed the tense atmosphere in the room, she frowned. "What's going on?"

"Uh...um..." Jaye stuttered, blushing as she thought about what she would have to tell Lily in order to get revenge. Maybe she should do something else...it wasn't worth it...

Hidan stepped in. "Jaye and I are dating."

Lily dropped her shoe on the floor. The noise echoed. "Huh?"

"Jaye and I are d-dating," Hidan said, his air of indifference threatening to collapse as he caught the look on Lily's face. It wasn't anger just...surprise. Disbelief. Confusion. _It's not _that_ shocking_, he thought blatantly.

Evidently, Lily thought so. "WHAT? Since when? Why wasn't I informed?"

"We're telling you now," Jaye gulped.

"I suppose you two are dating now too, right?" Lily accused, pointing a finger at Clari and Deidara.

"What?" they said in unison.

"You heard me!"

"How did we get sucked into this?" Clari said. "Of course we're not dating! Didn't we cover this yesterday?"

"I don't see how this involves us at all, un," Deidara said. "It's about them - we found them in a closet and everything."

"A _closet_?" Lily gasped.

"It was a dare!" Jaye jumped in. "We were playing truth-or-dare, and Clari dared me to spend seven minutes in a closet with Hidan!"

"So it is your fault!" Lily said, turning back to Clari.

"It is not! I only dared them to stay in a closet! I thought that Hidan would annoy her! I just wanted to get back at Jaye for the rumor she spread about me and Deidara!" Clari squeaked. "I didn't know they'd be like _that_!"

"Like _what_?"

Clari pressed her lips into a tight line, refusing to say anymore.

The living room was dead silent once again.

oOoOoOoOo

"That - " Hidan said, flopping down on Jaye's bed. " - was awkward."

"Please, go sleep in your own room," Jaye said, her voice drained of any emotion.

"You didn't seem to mind my company in the last bed you slept in."

"Whatever."

Suddenly, a blur of black and brown accidentally bulldozed into Jaye, knocking her to the ground. "I humbly apologize, my Queen," Bear said, floating off of her immediately and helping her off the ground. "I still haven't gotten used to my flying powers."

"S'okay," Jaye said, sitting on the floor and watching Bear turn his angry head at Hidan dramatically.

"And as for _you_!" he declared, pointing a paw at the silver headed ninja. "You scoundrel! Not only to do fantasize about my Queen, but you sleep in the same bed as her - and you convince her to follow your little scheme!"

"You know?" Jaye said, blinking.

"Of course I know!" Bear said, offended. "I know everything about my Queen."

"Creepy," Jaye decided.

"I'm just trying to protect you," Bear said. "And I don't think you should continue with this plot any more. Not only is it demeaning, but it's forcing you to do stuff that you obviously don't want to do, my Queen."

"Don't worry, it'll be fine," Jaye said, shrugging. "Just think; tomorrow we'll be moving on to the next stage, and it'll be much, much more enjoyable. That's when the real revenge begins."

Hidan and Jaye shared a look of such determination and deviousness that Bear knew he could not interfere with what they had planned. He had to admit, it was a good plan for revenge; if it was performed in just the right way, of course. One mistake and the whole think could collapse. However, by the look that these two were giving each other, Bear didn't think there was a chance of this sadistic plan crumbling at all.

oOoOoOoOo

**Bear...he defies all logic; and gravity. **

**I love this chapter! X3 It was so fun to write and, while Jaye's and Hidan's plan might not make any sense right now, it will in the near future (like, the next chapter kind of near future). Promise!**

***hears a knock on window and peers outside* **

**It's...Tobi? Tobi, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be in the author's notes.**

**Tobi: Sorry, Smurf-chan, but can Tobi come inside now? It's snowing out here... **

**-_-"**


	17. Frying Pans and Glitter Wars

**Chapter Fifteen: Frying Pans and Glitter Wars**

* * *

Hidan's plan was a good one, and with Jaye's careful polishing it had become flawless. No one suspected that they were pretending, although they did get a lot of stares the next morning. This irritated Jaye to no end, but she did not show her aggravation.

But with every good plan, there comes some kind of glitch. No matter what, something doesn't go right in even the most perfect scheme. It can be something so insignificant that no one even notices, or it can be something that drastically changes the course of events. When Lily bounded into the kitchen as Clari was making breakfast, the glitch in their plan was announced.

"Will you make apple pie for tonight, Clari?" she inquired, pinching a muffin from the plate Clari had just set on the counter.

"Sure," Clari replied, dodging the hungry hands of the Akatsuki members.

"What's going on tonight?" Jaye asked.

Clari stared at her. "It's Christmas Eve. We're going over to Ryan's."

"Or were you too lost in Hidan's pretty pink eyes to remember?" Lily teased, flicking Hidan's ear. The agitated Jashinist batted at her hand without success.

"They're not pink!" he defended. "They're..."

"Magenta," Clari offered.

"Yeah!" Hidan agreed.

Bear snickered. "That's not much better, idiot."

"What'd you call me, mutt?"

Jaye looked down at the blueberry muffin Hidan had retrieved for her, crushed under the weight of dismay. She didn't particularly want to act all girlfriend-y in front of Ryan and Seth (especially not with Hidan of all people) but if she commenced with the rest of the plan before they went over there, then she would ruin Christmas for everyone. She and Hidan didn't have enough time to finish the plot, not if they wanted everyone to enjoy their holiday. They would have to convince even more people that they were dating. _Great_, she thought sarcastically.

"What's wrong, Jaye?" Bear asked. "I thought you'd be excited to go over to Ryan's house. You haven't seen her or Seth in so long."

"I am," Jaye said, flashing Bear a smile.

Bear raised one doggy eyebrow and decided to leave it alone.

As they were preparing for Christmas Eve, schooling the Akatsuki on the rituals and reasons for such an event, Jaye and Hidan continued with their act. Jaye was certain they'd convinced everybody of their affection for each other, but when she flopped down next to Itachi (who was watching TV, rather then joining the rest of them for Christmas cramming) he said bluntly, "I'm pretty sure what you're doing is a form of prostitution."

"What?" Jaye exclaimed, recoiling from him.

"Pretending to be in love with Hidan, that is," he finished.

Jaye ogled. "How did you know?"

"These eyes see everything," he declared, pointing to one red sharigan.

"That's contradictory, considering you're blind," Jaye pointed out.

"May I ask why you're putting all this effort into deceiving us?" Itachi continued.

"You may, but I'm not answering," Jaye said stubbornly. "You might tell Mom."

Itachi made no attempt to deny it. "That is true."

"Itachi, do you like my mother?" Jaye asked, gazing at the Uchiha innocently.

"She's adequate company," Itachi said.

"But do you like her?" Jaye persisted.

"I'm not following," Itachi dodged. "I just answered that question."

Jaye stared at him for a moment. "I'm not sure if you're acting to hide something, or if you're really just that ignorant."

"And you shall never know," Itachi concluded, turning up the volume on the television and clearly indicating that the conversation was over.

Jaye sighed and stood up. After a moment of consideration, she padded away to search for her "boyfriend."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari wore a thoughtful expression as she prepared the apple pie. Deidara was greatly amused by this, because it was rare that she wore a thoughtful expression for such a long period of time. She was the type of person to come up with an immediate answer, and didn't spend too long contemplating solutions to her problems. Because of this, Deidara didn't often have to ask what she was thinking since it came out of her mouth soon after it crossed her mind. But now, she said nothing. He burned with curiosity. However, the thoughtful expression was an endangered one, so he relished in it for as long as he could.

"What are you thinking, un?" he implored finally, curiosity getting the better of him.

She flopped her hands onto the floor-covered counter. "I don't get it! What could happen in seven minutes that would make them come to the realization that they love each other?"

"A lot," Deidara answered, not bothering to ask who "they" were.

"I don't mean what's crossing through your nasty head," Clari scolded, glaring. "They wouldn't do that stuff. Coming to the conclusion that they're in love with each other means that there was conversation, which is not something they're good at. I don't get it."

"Hidan and Jaye, not good at conversation?" Deidara snorted. "You're kidding, right, un?"

"They don't converse, they argue," Clari pointed out.

"True."

"I just don't get it!" Clari exclaimed for a third time. "It's not the way that Jaye would handle things!"

Deidara shrugged. "You know her better than I do, un."

"You're not helping!" she bristled, slamming her fists into the dough, her thoughtful expression quickly becoming one of irritation. Not at Deidara, but at the fact that Jaye was up to something that she couldn't figure out.

And it bothered Clari to no end.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari didn't finish the pie in time, so she and Deidara stayed behind while the others left for Ryan's house. There wasn't enough room in Lily's van for them anyway, so they would take the truck later.

Lily hated her van. It was an ugly green beast, and the three of them affectionately referred to it as such. Every time Lily saw the Beast, she would wrinkle her nose and proclaim that she hated the thing and couldn't wait until it finally died. Jaye and Clari had suggested selling it and buying a new car, but Lily wouldn't hear of it. She'd won the Beast at a golf tournament for the bank (she won the award for most enthusiastic; she didn't know the first thing about golf). When the Beast was presented to her, she declared that she would kill the thing herself because she hated it so much, even if she'd have to drive it into the ground.

And so, she'd been driving it for the past three years.

One good thing about the Beast was that it was much more spacious than the truck, and everyone was able to fit inside with little difficulty. The interior was relatively clean, contrary to the rugged appearance of the outside. As Lily drove to Ryan's house, she muttered under her breath about how the brakes squeaked and how ugly the Beast was and how the gearshift stuck and how she couldn't wait until the thing finally died. Itachi glanced at her from the passenger seat and suggested monotonously, "Why don't you just wreck it?"

"Because that's hazardous," Lily said.

"Not with you in it, obviously," Itachi snarked. "With a sledge hammer or something of that nature."

Lily considered this. "That's actually not a bad idea..."

"Itachi, please don't give her any more advice," Jaye remarked.

They arrived at Ryan's house around three o'clock. Although Ryan's normal response to seeing the Beast pull up to her driveway would have been to run out of her house screaming (and this was on a regular basis), she made no appearance. Jaye thought this weird, but then she decided that Ryan was probably too busy preparing for Christmas Eve to sit by the window waiting for them.

When they knocked on the front door, Ryan simultaneously thrust it open. She was surprisingly calm for Ryan, and greeted them one by one as they entered the house. Hidan and Jaye were the last ones to enter, but before they could she screamed "WAAAAIIT!" and slammed the door in their faces.

"I knew something was up," Jaye commented, her nose inches from the door.

"What the fuck?" Hidan cried.

The door opened again, and Ryan quickly stepped out of the way. "Sorry, spaz attack. Come inside."

Jaye cautiously entered, followed by Hidan. Ryan snickered and pointed upwards. "Look, guys."

The couple glanced at the place above the door, where a mistletoe was nonchalantly hanging. Jaye stared at it with a glazed look in her eye. How could she forget that Ryan was a pairing nut?

"Ry," she said. "Hidan and I are already going out."

"WHAT?" Ryan shouted. "No you're not! Prove it!"

With a sigh, Jaye grabbed the collar of Hidan's shirt and pulled him down for (another) kiss. _This is becoming a nuisance_, Jaye thought to herself. _Hidan and I might as well be dating; we've kissed three fucking times_!

Yet, this time was different. Jaye had already noted the Hidan was a good kisser, much to her chagrin. But unlike the first two times they kissed, Hidan wasn't taken by surprise. This time he actually contributed, moving his lips in a way that made Jaye's knees go weak. She was suddenly glad that Lily had gone to find Rhonda, Ryan's mom, and wasn't in the room.

When he finally released her, Jaye cleared her throat awkwardly and looked at Ryan. "Satisfied?"

The room was in a state of shock; everyone but Ryan, that was. She was disgruntled, because she had centered her Christmas Eve around getting Jaye and Hidan or Clari and Deidara together. However, when Jaye informed her that the other couple had yet to have an epiphany, Ryan was appeased.

"Um, Ryan-chan?" Tobi quipped, tapping her on the shoulder.

"Yes, Tobi?"

"Where is Ryan-chan's brother?"

Ryan laughed. "You don't have to worry about him; he's not coming home until tomorrow. We sent him off to military school."

"Woah, really?" Jaye said. "When did that happen?"

"While you were gone." Ryan punched her in the arm, with more force than necessary. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? I was worried about you forever! So was Seth!"

"Yup," Seth agreed, nodding.

"Sorry, I wasn't exactly aware of my departure either," Jaye muttered, sparing Pein a glare.

"What?" Ryan asked, confused.

"Oh, nothing."

oOoOoOoOo

"Don't even think about it," Clari snapped as she pulled into Ryan's driveway.

"What, un?" Deidara asked innocently.

"I know what you were thinking," Clari said. She lowered her voice an octave, in an attempt to match Deidara's. " 'Maybe she won't notice if I try some of this pie.' I'm telling you that if you try it, I will take a shotgun to your head with a smile on my face."

"Are you a mind reader, un?" Deidara said, clutching his head as if to protect his thoughts from Clari's probing intuition.

"Only on Tuesdays and Thursdays," Clari said sarcastically. She retrieved the pie from Deidara's lap and got out of the truck, closing the heavy door with her foot.

"I could have carried the pie," Deidara said.

"It took me three freaking hours to make this thing," Clari remarked fiercely. "I'm not letting it out of my sight."

Balancing the pie in one hand, she knocked on the front door. Suddenly, as fast as lightning, Ryan had popped out, taken the pie from Clari's hands, and closed the door again. Clari gaped, processing what had just happened and looking at her empty hands. She pounded on the door. "Ryan! What the fuck?"

As a reply, Ryan stuck a note in the window. On the note was an arrow pointing up. Clari and Deidara both immediately looked in that direction and saw the mistletoe resting ominously on the door frame. Ryan stuck another not in the window. It read: _Must kiss for entry_.

"...Ryan..." Clari groaned, slumping.

"She's not really gonna make us stay out here all night if we don't kiss, un," Deidara said.

Clari nodded dejectedly. "Yes, she will."

Deidara raised an eyebrow.

"Ryan is what you'd call a 'pairing nut,' " Clari explained. "When she's determined that two people should get together, she will stop at nothing to make sure that it happens. And I mean _nothing_."

"So, why don't we just kiss and get it over with?" Deidara suggested.

Clari blushed. "B-but - "

Before she could protest further, Deidara had swooped down and pressed his lips against her cheek. This simple act caused Clari's whole face to go crimson. Deidara chuckled mischievously and gave the window a pointed look. After a pause, Ryan slammed another note in the window. _Doesn't count_.

"Can I break down the door, un?" Deidara asked.

"No, we'd have to pay for it," Clari sighed, her face still flushed.

Deidara grinned and playfully pinched her bright cheek. "I don't think you can take much more from me than a kiss on the cheek, un. You might fall into a coma or something."

"I see the ego is back," Clari snapped, rubbing the rosy spot on her face.

Deidara was preparing a come back, but Ryan threw the door open with a squeal. "Okay, you guys can come in! I can't take anymore of this! You two are so cuuuuute!"

Clari scowled. "That was not funny, Ryan."

"Don't be a spoil-sport," Ryan teased. "Hidan and Jaye did it, and with much more enthusiasm, I might add."

"They're already dating!" Clari said.

"Which is why I can focus all my efforts on you and Deidara now," Ryan grinned.

"You don't get any pie," Clari pouted.

Ryan grinned again and pointed to herself. "Allergic to cinnamon."

"I'm so sorry!" Clari gasped, her scowl becoming a look of horror. "I completely forgot! I knew I should have made something else!"

"Don't worry about it, Clari."

"I'm sorry!"

Deidara watched Clari stalk Ryan, repeatedly apologizing about the pie. Ryan obviously didn't seem to care, but Clari was persistent. Deidara shook his head and smiled as she literally followed Ryan around in circles. Sometimes, she could be so -

"Whatcha staring at?" someone inquired, popping up beside Deidara. He jumped, and recalled the conversation about mind reading he'd had with Clari before realizing it was Seth who'd appeared. He followed Deidara's eyes and flashed a smile. "You know, I told Ryan I'd help you two get together."

"Really, un?" Deidara replied, for Seth didn't seem like what Clari had called a 'pairing nut.'

"Yeah."

"And are you?"

Seth grinned again. "I don't think you guys need any help."

He left to go help Ryan with something, leaving Deidara standing alone and confused.

Lily and Rhonda came into the room a few minutes later. Luckily, they'd both missed the previous mistletoe events along with Pein and Konan. Otherwise, they probably wouldn't have ever taken place. Clari sighed as she realized this, rubbing the place on her cheek where Deidara had kissed her. It was a few degrees warmer than the rest of her skin, and made her feel like there was a big red impression of his lips on her cheek. She'd even gone into the bathroom to make sure there wasn't.

Ryan talked a mile a minute, so no one else really contributed to the conversation. This suited everyone just fine, because they all enjoyed watching her. Ryan was more entertaining than anything you could find on TV.

The only thing that was irritating about her was that she was determined to be part of the girls' relationships. When dinner was finally ready, she demanded that everyone stop so Deidara and Clari could sit together. She marveled at how Jaye and Hidan hadn't said one hateful thing to each other the entire evening. Jaye was afraid to let up her girlfriend act for one second, fearing that Ryan would pop up and declare them fraud. She could also tell that Clari and Deidara were uncomfortable with the attention Ryan was directing at them, probably because Pein was just as aware of them as Ryan.

Finally, Seth introduced Ryan to Tobi, leaving everyone in momentary peace.

After eating dessert (Clari launched into a new string of apologies as Ryan picked at her ice cream, and didn't stop until everyone told her to shut up), the Akatsuki and the girls left, making promises to visit on New Year's Eve as well.

"It's snowing again!" Clari exclaimed, grinning at the eerie white flakes that drifted down from the sky.

"Why do you like snow so much, un?" Deidara growled, shivering. "It's cold and wet and gross."

"It's also pretty," Clari pointed out. "I've tried to paint it before, but I can't ever get it right."

Deidara had a new appreciation for snow. It seemed it would be a hard subject to replicate.

As the four of them (Jaye and Hidan were accompanying Deidara and Clari in the truck so the Beast wouldn't be so packed) separated from the rest of the group, Jaye and Hidan smiled devilishly. This was the opportune time to commence with the plan, and hopefully they would have their revenge extracted before Christmas morning.

oOoOoOoOo

The others got home in the Beast before the two young couples did, which concerned them considerably. Perhaps they had stopped for gas, or had forgotten something at Ryan's house and had to turn around. After about an hour sitting and watching television, they heard the others coming up the driveway. And it wasn't the truck's thunderous motor that announced their presence. It was Jaye and Hidan's furious shouting.

"Uh-oh," Tobi said.

They burst into the house like an explosion, yelling horrendous profanities at each other and presenting the audience with an array of new, creative gestures. It was the worst argument Jaye and Hidan had ever suffered, which was saying quite a lot. They didn't stop screaming even when they entered the house, and they didn't relocate. They continued the obviously extensive combat in the living room, exposing everyone to their harsh antics and even causing a few headaches instantaneously.

The others hardly noticed Clari and Deidara come in. The two of them were the exact opposite of the quarreling couple, their faces white and gaunt with exhaustion. This had evidently been going on for quite some time, by the frustrated looks on their faces.

"What's going on?" Pein asked when Clari got close enough for him to speak. Even then, he barely heard her answer over the voices of Hidan and Jaye.

"I am so stupid!" Clari cried, rubbing her temples. "This is all my fault!"

"What?"

"I should have never locked them in the closet. I didn't know that this would happen," Clari groaned vaguely.

"What?" Pein persisted.

"They were like a ticking time bomb," Clari explained. "Deidara said something; I don't even remember what he said, but it was right after we left Ryan's house. Anyway, it was like an explosion. They just started arguing and they haven't stopped. I don't know what it's about, but I do know that it has something to do with them going out."

"I still don't see how this is your fault," Pein pointed out, wincing as a new gust of obscenities flew from the fighters' mouths.

"Because I'm the one who unintentionally got them together in the first place. I should have known what would happen if they broke up," Clari accused herself, placing her head in her hands.

"Are you feeling guilty for _that_?"

"Of course not!" Clari snapped. She grabbed his shoulders and leaned in close in order to fully convey the intensity of her message. "Their yelling is _driving me crazy_. I can't take anymore of it! I don't know if you've ever had the kind of headache that makes your entire spine throb, but that's what I've got right now. I've listened to it for over an hour, and it has to stop! But nothing I say works! If anything, it only makes it worse!"

"I see," Pein said, recoiling from Clari's deranged face. "Let me see if I can talk some sense into them."

Clari shook her head. "No, it's impossible."

Pein stood and boldly stepped in between Jaye and Hidan, holding up his hands for peace. "You two need to calm down. If you don't, then I will _make_ you calm down."

The actually stopped yelling, but they shot daggers at each other.

"Now," Pein continued. "You two go upstairs and think about why you're upset."

"I'm upset because your psychopathic son-of-a-bitch is - "

"I said upstairs to _think_," Pein interrupted. "Now go, with no insults."

The two of them stomped upstairs, pushing each other out of the way and not completely succeeding in this last request. Everyone flinched as they slammed their doors in synchronization (actually causing the walls to rattle), but after that the house was silent.

"Thank God," Deidara groaned, flopping down on the couch and clutching his head. "They shut the fuck up!"

"What exactly were they so mad about?" Lily inquired.

"I don't even know," Clari said hopelessly. "They just started yelling out of nowhere."

"That's not normal yelling," Deidara added from his perch on the couch. "That's some kind of super-sonic screeching, un. No ordinary person should be able to scream that loud."

"Maybe I should go talk to Jaye..." Lily debated.

"No, let them cool off," Pein instructed. "At least we can have some peace and quiet right now."

From upstairs, there was thumping. From both rooms.

"When will it stop?" Deidara cried, burying his face in a pillow dramatically.

Then, from upstairs, there was screaming. Hidan and Jaye were screaming at each other from a across the hallway, with the doors to their bedrooms closed. Clari sighed, and got up. "I'll go talk to them. This is my fault anyway."

"Clari, it's not your - " Lily began.

"I can't take anymore of this freaking noise!" Clari blurted, pulling her hair. She ran upstairs and burst into Hidan's room, grabbing his ear and dragging him into Jaye's room. She closed the door, leaving the three of them isolated.

Jaye and Hidan immediately started screaming at each other.

Clari twitched. Her nerves were worn down to a dangerous extent. She couldn't take anymore of their shouting! Before she even thought about it, she grabbed a frying pan and whacked Hidan on the head as hard as she could, effectively shutting him up and venting some of her anger. He collapsed to the floor, but Clari didn't worry about him being dead.

Jaye paused, and pointed to the frying pan. "Where'd you get that?"

"I don't know, it's your room," Clari said, throwing the frying pan on the bed. She fell to her knees and looked at Jaye through the eyes of one who was desperate. "Please, please, _please_ stop fighting. I don't think I can take anymore! I'll give you anything you want, and I promise I won't think about revenge ever again. Just, please, _shut the fuck up_!"

"You won't ever think about revenge ever again?" Jaye quoted, raising an eyebrow.

"Never ever. I swear on my life."

Jaye considered this. "I think that's satisfactory. What do you think, Hidan?"

Hidan stuck a thumb up into the air.

"Wait..." Clari began.

"This was all a ploy," Jaye explained, helping her fake Jashinist ex-boyfriend off the floor. "Revenge for locking us in the closet. We thought that if we convinced you we were dating and then had a big fight, you'd eventually cave and beg us to shut up. Plus, no one will ever tease us about being all couple-y again. Two birds with one stone."

The two of them high-fived, leaving Clari utterly speechless. She was shocked, relieved, and livid all at the same time. How could they do this to not only her, but everyone? How could they lie with such ease? They'd definitely put all they had into making it a convincing relationship. Though, this did explain why the relationship didn't quite make sense to Clari.

But, as she watched the two of them bask in their success, she decided that the plot (at least the relationship part) wasn't all a lie. There was no way that they could've been so convincing without some kind of feelings driving them. And, Jaye wouldn't have kissed just anybody; not the way she had. So, Clari decided that this was a good thing, a step closer to what could be a very strong relationship.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to her. "What were you guys fighting about anyway?"

Jaye and Hidan looked at each other imploringly, then back at Clari.

"We don't remember," they said simultaneously.

Clari shook her head. It would be a strong relationship, but an ignorant one indeed.

oOoOoOoOo

The others didn't really care that Jaye and Hidan had bamboozled them. They were just happy that the nettling noise had finally stopped. Now that this obstacle was hurtled, it was time for the holiday emotions to shine. Tobi was perhaps the most excited, for he believed Santa Claus was coming to put Christmas gifts under the tree after all of the stories Jaye had mischievously conspired to feed him. He even offered to trade beds with Zetsu so he could be in the same room as Santa when he slipped down the chimney (not that there was a chimney...the girls failed to point this out to Tobi). It was an offer that the plant-man instantly refused, much to Deidara's disappointment.

However, there was one important thing missing.

"Um...Clari-chan?" Tobi said suddenly, halting in his jumping for joy.

"Yes, Tobi?"

"Where is the Christmas tree?"

"Shit!" Clari swore. "I knew I was forgetting something!"

After much confusion, Kisame and Itachi hauled in the plastic Christams tree while Clari fussed about and gave directions. In a shower of needles and branches, they also managed to stand the thing upright in the corner. It was a hulking ten-foot tree, so tall that the tip brushed the ceiling. Everyone stared up at it in appreciation while Itachi and Kisame struggled under the weight of the boxes labeled _X-Mas Ornaments_.

"Alright, everyone," Clari said lavishly, opening the boxes with flourish. "Enjoy!"

Together, they decorated the tree. Deidara and Clari bestowed lights after lights upon the tree; blinking lights, blue lights, white lights, multicolored lights. Hidan and Kakuzu fought over tinsel, creating a flying frenzy of shiny debris. Konan and Lily had a glitter war, eventually pulling the disgruntled Pein and an unwilling Itachi amidst it's battle field. Kisame and Jaye jousted with the long, spiraling ornaments made to be hung upon the branches of the tree. Zetsu watched the proceedings with amusement.

At the very end of it all, Tobi insisted that he be the one to place the star on the top. However, because of previous feuds between Jaye and Clari, Lily had stopped using the star and, therefore, had misplaced it. They looked through every box, but it was nowhere to be found. Tobi was so disappointed that he started to cry.

Clari observed the masked man with pity and suddenly had a clever idea. She tip-toed over to Deidara while the others tried to comfort Tobi. "Deidara," she said. "You should make a star for Tobi to put on the tree."

"No way, un," Deidara objected.

"Come on! You can't be this heartless," Clari said, gesturing to Tobi's emo corner.

"I can. There's no way you can guilt me into it."

"Please? Think of it as a Christmas miracle."

"How about you think of it as a Christmas present, un?" Deidara compromised. "And, in return, you have to give me one tomorrow."

Clari flushed. "Actually...Jaye and I got everybody one big present in general..."

"No, I want a present that's from just you to just me," Deidara insisted.

"But I didn't get you anything."

"I'll think of something, un."

In the end, Clari agreed. It took Deidara a little more than five seconds to craft a perfect star out of clay, to which he presented to Tobi with a grouchy demeanor. Nevertheless, Tobi was appeased and placed the little star on the tip of the tree with glee simply radiating from him.

The tree was probably the brightest, most colorful thing on the planet. It was covered head to toe with lights and glitter and tinsel and ornaments and every other decoration one could think to put on a Christmas tree. The girls' Christmas trees were generally like this, however this particular tree was the biggest, sparkliest, most bedazzled tree they'd ever created.

"Awesome," Lily said with pride.

"_This is not going to help me sleep at all_," Zetsu complained. "But it is pretty magnificent."

"You could always switch beds with Tobi for tonight, Zetsu-sama," Tobi suggested.

"_It's not _that_ bothersome_."

It was well past midnight. Tobi ushered everyone to their rooms, with the excuse that Santa would pass them by if he saw they were still awake. No one had any objections, and they migrated to their separate bedrooms, leaving the brilliant tree lights on and illuminating the living room as if a portion of the sun itself had been trapped inside the silent house.

oOoOoOoOo

**Yay, Christmas fluff chapter! **

**I. Love. Christmas. I know Christmas has already passed, but I still love it. If only the advertisement world hadn't screwed it up for everybody with their impossibly idiotic commercials. *insert wistful sigh here***

**I hate to break the news, but this story is slowly (but surely) coming to a close. There is certainly going to be one or two more chapters, but I'm afraid that we're at the beginning of the end. ****And, since I haven't thanked all you readers in a while, I'm going to thank you now. THANK YOU! Especially those who review. I love reviews. :) **


	18. Epilogue: Snowball Fights and Mistletoe

**Epilogue: Snowball Fights and Mistletoe**

* * *

The next morning, Clari got up extra early so she could make a big Christmas breakfast and set up the Akatsuki's gift. When she hopped downstairs, she thought it unusually bright outside for the morning (and not because of the blinding Christmas tree). She peaked out the window and squealed, causing Zetsuto jump out of the pull-out couch that sufficed for his bed.

"What?" he cried, looking around wildly.

"Snow!" Clari clapped gleefully, pointing outside.

Indeed, snow covered every inch of the ground outside. It was at least a foot deep, but this didn't seem to impress Zetsu. He glared at Clari through his plant-like appendage savagely. "_If you wake me up again for such a ridiculous reason I will kill you without hesitation, whether you're Pein's child or not. Do I make myself clear_?"

"Crystal," Clari squeaked timidly. "Oh, um...Merry Christmas, by the way."

Zetsu said nothing further, but flopped back onto the couch.

With one last grin outside, Clari skipped into the kitchen and began gathering up materials for breakfast. While biscuits were baking in the oven and bacon was snapping in a skillet, she slipped into the garage to prepare the Akatsuki's Christmas gift. As she stuck a bow on the top (the finishing touch) she couldn't help but smile. They were going to love it!

Then suddenly, she thought of the gift she'd promised Deidara. He said he'd think of something, but he'd yet to make any request as to what he might desire. Until then, she had no idea what to get him. _I suppose I'll just wait until he actually asks for something_, she thought._ But I wonder what he'll want..._?

Clari heard her name being called, so she stowed the Akatsuki's present safely away and hurried back inside before anyone got suspicious. Lily stood in the kitchen, poking at the gravy Clari was cooking to accompany the biscuits. Konan and Pein sat at the table with mugs of coffee warming their hands. Clari smiled radiantly. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas," they replied. One by one, everybody drifted into the kitchen and wished each other a merry Christmas. Tobi shot through like a bullet of orange and black, trying to get to the brilliant Christmas tree. When he saw that the bottom was lacking gifts, he was mildly disappointed.

"It's not like you would've gotten anything but coal, un," Deidara remarked.

Tobi sniffed.

"Don't worry, Tobi," Clari said. "Maybe the gift was just too big to fit under the tree. We'll check outside later."

Tobi brightened up at this considerably.

After breakfast was ready, everybody sat down and ate. It was more cheerful this morning than it normally was, because of the holiday spirit. Even Jaye and Hidan weren't fighting, though they shouldn't have had anything to argue about after the huge combat they'd staged last night. When breakfast was over with and everyone migrated into the living room, Clari and Jaye were surprised to find that there were two gifts under the tree.

"What're these?" Jaye inquired.

"We thought we'd get you something, since Christmas is such a big deal for you," Pein said. Jaye took the boxes and passed one out to Clari. The other she kept for herself. They tore open the wrapping and unleashed bundles of black and red fabric.

"No way!" Jaye cried, holding the Akatsuki robe across her body. "Are these for us?"

"Your name is on the box, is it not?" Pein said.

"Awesome!" Jaye slipped hers on. "It fits perfectly."

"Um..." Clari said. Everyone turned to stare at her, because it wasn't like her to be ungrateful even if it was a present she didn't like. However, the shocked expressions didn't last long. As soon as they laid eyes on her, everyone was laughing.

Clari's Akatsuki robe was much too big for her, and overwhelmed her whole frame. At least two feet of black fabric was bunched at her feet, and at least a foot of the sleeves hung past her hands. The high collar rose just above her nose. She looked like a child, swallowed by the ominous black robe.

"I must have ordered the wrong size..." Kakuzu apologized, rubbing the back of his neck.

"S'okay," Clari said hurriedly, her voice muffled by the collar of the robe. "I still love it." She attempted to shift the fabric, hoping to get better results, and sent the Akatsuki into another fit of giggles.

Konan got Lily's attention. "We got you something too, but we didn't think you'd like a robe."

"Oh, really?"

Konan felt around her person, frowning. Itachi came up behind her and produced a small black box. He bypassed Konan entirely and handed it to Lily. She opened it and pulled out a long silver necklace, with a silver mold of Japanese writing for a charm.

"It says 'Yuri,' " Konan explained, sparing the thieving Uchiha a glare. "Which means Lily."

Lily loved it of course, and had Itachi help her put it around her neck immediately.

"And something for Bear," Pein said, extracting a dog collar from his pocket. It was black, with a red Akatsuki cloud for a tag. Etched on the cloud was Bear's name.

"Hardware," Bear said, tapping over to the Akatsuki leader. "Lovely."

"Okay!" Jaye said with splendor. "Time for your gift! Clari, go get the gift."

"You're kidding, right?" Clari said, holding up her engulfing sleeves.

Jaye sighed and disappeared into the garage. Minutes later, she came out bearing a huge package. She placed it on the ground and stretched. "Enjoy, Akatsuki."

Tobi leapt onto the gift and tore it open like an animal, stepping aside for his fellow members to appreciate it to it's full extent. It was a big cardboard box, with a picture of a TV on it.

"You got us a TV?" Tobi squealed with glee.

"Yeah, we figured you might need some entertainment in that boring hide out," Jaye explained.

"Awesome!"

"Will this work in our world?" Deidara inquired, inspecting the box.

"Who knows?" Jaye said. She nudged it with her foot. "If not, you could always sell it for parts or something. One step closer to world domination, eh, Pein?"

"It's snowing again!" Clari interjected, grinning out the window.

"Tobi has an idea! We should go play in the snow!"

"Tobi is a good boy!" Clari agreed. "You read my mind."

So, after packing up the TV and carefully storing the robes, everyone got ready to play in the snow. They scrambled around for clothing, covering as much of their bodies as they could. Eventually, they filed outside.

No one could deny that Clari had good reason to like snow; it was beautiful. But it was a modest, silent kind of beauty, unobtruding and unappreciated, revealed only if one chose to notice it. Everything was a double edged sword; the glittering icicles that perched on the roof, the crunchy, wet blanket of delicate snow that was pillowed on the ground, even the thrilling cold that nipped at their skin. It was all wonderful, and it was all a nuisance.

Suddenly, Jaye felt slush smack the side of her face.

She turned slowly, sending daggers at the guffawing Hidan. She bent down to scoop up a snowball of her own and chucked it at him while he was doubled over. It hit him square in the face, stopping his laughs immediately.

"It's on," he declared, rubbing slush from his face.

"Gladly," Jaye retorted. They had a stare down that lasted about ten seconds, then quickly gathered snow into their be-gloved hands. In her rush, Jaye miscalculated and accidentally hit Kakuzu, who launched a snowball in return and ended up nailing Kisame. Kisame hurled one at Kakuzu, but ended up aiming at Konan, who retorted by sending a snowball flying in his direction but fell short and hit Itachi. Soon the front yard was a flurry of snowballs, and no one was safe.

Clari, who wasn't a fan of snowball fights due to her incapacity to throw anything correctly, managed to dodge the group after the first few snowballs landed. She didn't fair too horridly; she had only taken fire to her arm and the back of her head. Sighing in relief, she turned to the woods and studied them fondly. The trees were mostly evergreens, and therefore their needles were frosted with a light dust of ice, creating a most splendid picture. Sunlight bounced through the scene, branch by branch, initiating a prismatic collection of iridescent rainbows.

As Clari admired the picturesque morning, she was so distracted that she hadn't noticed the footsteps sneaking behind her. Until, of course, she felt the frigid chill of slush crawl down her spine. With a yelp, she jumped and tried to remove the bothersome snow from her jacket, while Deidara roared with laughter. By the time she'd finally managed to get rid of the snow, her back was wet and she was colder than ever.

"_Why_?" she snapped, shivering.

"You should have been more attentive to your surroundings, un," Deidara said, shrugging.

"How can I pay attention with that right there?" Clari defended, gesturing to the wide expanse of frosty forest. Deidara observed it for a moment, then shrugged, an "eh," escaping from his lips. This irked her considerably, though she had no reason to be offended.

"Eh?" Clari repeated. "Eh? That's it?"

"It's pretty, I guess."

"You guess? It's not pretty; it's amazing!"

Deidara shrugged for the third time. "It's okay, un. I've seen better."

"Better? Wha - gah, just forget it!" Clari exclaimed, waving her hands dismissively. "I don't want this to ruin my good mood. It's Christmas. Speaking of which, have you decided what you wanted your present to be? I don't know what to get you, and you said you'd think of something."

"I did think of something, un," Deidara said, pulling a snowflake from a lock of her hair.

"What?"

From behind his back, Deidara produced a small piece of Ryan's mistletoe and held it in the air above their heads.

Clari's eyes widened and she blushed scarlet. "Wha - that - no! No, that's not - "

"You said anything, un," Deidara taunted, wiggling the mistletoe between his fingers.

"But this isn't what I meant," Clari objected.

"You said you didn't know what to get me, and this is what I want," Deidara argued. Before she could protest further, he cupped her chin in his hand firmly and brought his lips to hers, only for a second or two. He lingered momentarily, pressing his forehead against hers and laughing at her dazed expression. With another, final kiss, he pulled back completely and it was over, leaving Clari shaken and blushing brighter than ever before. Deidara placed the mistletoe back in his pocket and ruffled her hair endearingly. "See, that wasn't so bad, un."

Clari scowled as he calmly walked away, wishing that he would be as flustered as she was. Her hands absently rested at the top of her head where her hair was tousled. "Don't do that!"

"What, pat your head or kiss you?" Deidara inquired. Clari could tell that he was smirking, and it pissed her off even more.

"Both!"

Deidara boomed with laughter. "No promises, un."

oOoOoOoOo

"What should his name be?"

"Doug. We should totally name him Doug."

"Why Doug?"

"Because Doug's a cool name."

"We're not naming him Doug."

Jaye and Lily, who were the only ones remaining outside, stared at the snowman which they had stayed outside so long to construct. It was nearly as tall as they were, with three spheres of snow sufficing for a body and two long branches for arms. It's face consisted of black rocks they'd found on the ground, and the buttons running down his middle were of the same organic material. Lily took her scarf and wrapped it around his neck; Jaye sacrificed her hat. They were both ready to go back inside with the others (who all evacuated after the snowball fight) but they couldn't leave until they decided a name. Jaye wanted to name it Doug, but Lily was against it.

"How about Bob?" Lily suggested.

"No, Bob's too generic," Jaye argued.

"And Doug isn't?"

"Not as generic as Bob."

They thought in silence.

Clari stuck her head out the door, scowling at them. They'd been outside for over two hours, and she didn't want them catching a cold. "Why are you two just standing there? Come inside already."

"We need to think of a name!" Jaye called.

"Just name it Charles or something! You guys are gonna get sick."

"Charles," Lily contemplated. "I like that."

"Ugh, no," Jaye disagreed.

"I've got hot chocolate!" Clari tempted.

Jaye snapped her fingers. "I've got it! His name should be Marshmallow."

"Marshmallow. That has a nice ring to it," Lily said. "Marshmallow it is then."

They wrote the name in the snow before the snowman and hurried inside. Clari held the door open for them, taking their wet outerwear and throwing it in a laundry basket with the rest.

The Akatsuki were warming their hands with mugs of hot chocolate, and seemed to be in relatively good spirits. Jaye could smell cookies baking in the oven, so she assumed that they were going to be frosting them later. Clari handed them both a steaming mug of frothy hot chocolate, dimpled with tiny prepackaged marshmallows. Jaye sat back contently, blowing the steam away from her cup. The atmosphere was nice; she kind of wished it was like this more often. _The beauty of Christmas_, she thought.

Beside her, Lily sputtered hot chocolate. "I think I burned my tongue!"

"Mom..." Jaye sighed, shaking her head.

The oven beeped in the kitchen. Clari jumped and went to retrieve what she said was the second batch of sugar cookies. Apparently, Tobi was frosting the first batch now. He'd seen a commercial and decided that he wanted to try it. But when he showed up beside Clari, carrying the first batch, he was covered in red and green icing from head to toe. The cookies looked nice, though.

"This kind of reminds me of that mission we went on..." Deidara said, grabbing a cookie and studying it curiously.

"Don't remind me. That was awful," Clari said.

"Speaking of missions," Jaye interrupted. "Are you guys going back soon?"

"Not that you have to leave right away," Lily interjected. "You're welcome to stay as long as you like."

"I was actually planning on leaving this evening," Pein said.

"WHAT?" everybody cried in unison.

"We've been here long enough. We've only completed two missions in the past three weeks, and they weren't very profitable. Besides, the girls will be restarting school soon, and with Konoha safely in check, we don't need to be their body guards anymore," Pein explained.

The group glumly agreed, but they still didn't seem too happy to accept it.

oOoOoOoOo

With this information in mind, the day seemed to fly by. Before they knew it, they had finished eating dinner and were cleaning up the dishes from the table. Everyone knew that after dinner was the ideal time to leave, so they took as long as they could eating. The looming presence of farewells still lingered throughout the meal, though.

When they were tensely sitting on the couch, watching TV, Pein announced that it was time to go.

"I don't know why you're all so depressed," he said. "It's not like we won't ever see you again. We did promise that we'd come visit briefly for New Year's, and probably after that. With Hebi dispersed, Konoha will be focusing their full efforts on us. We'll probably be in need of a hide out more often."

"Oh...right...because we killed Sasuke..." Clari said, rubbing the back of her neck and glancing at Itachi.

"And Karin," Jaye added. "But that was Hidan's doing."

"That bitch deserved to die," Hidan said simply.

Lily shook her head.

"Everyone, get your belongings together. We're leaving in ten minutes," Pein finished.

Lily grabbed his arm. "Say, can I talk to you for a second...?"

The Akatsuki heaved a unanimous sigh and began saying their goodbyes. It wasn't as sad as the last time, when there was no certainty of their return. But it was still rather sorrowful. The Akatsuki bore mixed feelings; they were excited to finally be returning back to their world, and back to work, but they would miss the girls very much.

"Bye-bye," Tobi sniffed, giving each of the girls a giant hug.

"Thanks for the TV," Zetsu said gruffly.

"We'll miss you," Konan said.

"Sorry about Pablo," Kisame apologized.

"How much do you think the TV parts will sell, if it doesn't work?" Kakuzu inquired.

Itachi nodded solemnly, his mouth barely lifting in the ghost of a smile.

When Jaye got to Hidan, she did something very surprising. She burst into tears. The baffled Jashinist recoiled, as this was so unexpected and he didn't know how to handle a crying girl. He awkwardly put his arm around her shoulders and patted her hand. "Uh...there, there..."

" 'There, there?' " Jaye ridiculed, roughly wiping away the tears from her face. "Is that really the best you could do?"

"What an idiot," Bear agreed.

"What'd you say, mutt?" Hidan roared, his awkwardness quickly forgotten.

Clari eyed Deidara suspiciously as this whole fiasco was taking place. He raised his eyebrows, questioning her distance. Finally, after Hidan and Bear were well into their argument, Clari said, "You don't have that mistletoe anymore, do you?"

"I do, but I wasn't planning on using it, un," Deidara replied.

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"Pinkie swear?"

"How can I pinkie swear when you're way over there, un?"

"Air pinkie swear," Clari persisted.

Deidara sighed. "I'm not going to use the mistletoe. Now come over here and give me a hug before I have to go over there myself. And if I do that, you won't like it, un."

Clari tentatively edged over, until Deidara rolled his eyes and grabbed her hand, pulling her into a massive hug. She waited for it to end, and when it didn't, she said informed him that he could let her go.

"Or not," he countered.

"Deidara, I can't breathe."

"Deal with it, un."

Soon afterwards, though, he released her. Clari saw that Pein and Lily had walked back into the room. Idly, she wondered what they had talked about...but she decided not to bring it up now. Pein received a hug from her, and it wasn't as awkward as she thought it would be. Maybe him being her father wasn't so weird after all.

"Itachi?" Pein said, when the Akatsuki were all in a group. Itachi nodded and did his seals. There was a flash, an echo of Tobi's voice calling, "Merry Christmas!" and a slight breeze. Then, the room was as silent as the snow settling outside their door. The Akatsuki were gone.

As the three of them drifted into the kitchen, Jaye glanced at her mother curiously. "What exactly did you need to talk to Pein about anyway?"

"Oh, in time you'll see," Lily said smiling.

The girls raised an eyebrow at Lily's strange behavior, but decided to leave the subject alone for now. They weren't sure if they wanted to know or not. Any diabolical plotting that Lily was participating in with Pein couldn't be beneficial.

Clari sighed while she cleaned the dishes. "I miss them already."

"Yeah, but they'll be back," Jaye pointed out.

"They'll definitely be back," Clari agreed.

This thought made them both smile.

oOoOoOoOo

**Okay, so this is the official-ish ending, but I have one more chapter in store for you guys. It's sort of an epilogue/ultra-super bonus chapter (of awesomeness). As for it's content...let's just say it has something to do with Pein and Lily's discussion...hehehe...**

**Sorry for the shortness of this chapter. I did the best I could. :( **

**So, in light of this being the official-ish ending, I suppose I better ramble on and on about how I loved writing this story and how glad I am that it turned out the way it did and how I hope you, as the readers, enjoyed it. Or, I could just end this author's note and save you the torture of having to read about all that, because I know you really don't want to. **

**Yeah, let's just do that.**


	19. UltraSuper Bonus Chapter: A Cliché Prom

**This is probably the last chapter for a while, but I might update when I get an idea. :)**

**Until then; sayonara, everyone!**

* * *

**Ultra-Super Bonus Chapter (of Awesomeness): A Cliché Prom Night**

* * *

After weeks of begging and threatening, of demanding and commanding, Lily had finally done it. It'd taken unyielding perseverance, an iron will, and a lot of annoying tactics, but she'd accomplished her life-long goal.

She'd finally convinced the girls to go to prom.

They were dead set against it because they did not like social gatherings, particularly ones staged in the newly constructed school gymnasium. Their school rarely held dances or anything of the sort, and on the occasions it did they were always held in the gym. The gym also always had a lingering odor of sweaty socks and floor polish, but the school was too small to accommodate the student body in any other way.

That was reason number one for them not wanting to go. Their second reason was that they didn't have anything to wear, but Lily quickly handled this situation and took them dress shopping. Therefore, reason number two was abolished.

Reason number three was that they didn't have dates, but Lily said that they could probably get dates if they were so concerned about it. The girls honestly weren't too troubled about that (two or three guys _had_ actually asked Jaye, but she'd turned them all down) and had only used this as an excuse so they wouldn't have to go.

But, finally, between the combined efforts of Lily and Ryan (who was attending the prom with Seth) the girls resigned and bought their tickets. They didn't have dates, but maybe they could have a good time with just their friends.

"This is a milestone," Lily said as they ate dinner on the night of the prom. "I never got to go to prom, and I've regretted it since I graduated high school. You'll thank me in the future."

"So what you're saying is that you're living vicariously through us," Jaye remarked.

"I suddenly feel for the poor kids off of that show, _Toddlers and Tiaras_," Clari said.

"Me too."

"Oh, you're being ridiculous," Lily interjected. "I just don't want you to miss out on it now and regret it later. I've been thinking about it all year, and I even did a few things in preparation."

Clari and Jaye glanced at each other. "Preparation?"

"I know you were worried about not having dates, so I brought in some service," Lily began, rising from her chair as the doorbell rang. She walked to the door smugly, causing Clari and Jaye to worry even more. What exactly did she mean by "service"? After a moment of consideration, they decided to follow her.

"Mom," Jaye said. "Who did you bring in?"

"You didn't hire somebody, did you?" Clari inquired, desperately hoping that this was not the case.

"Of course not. Have some faith, will you?" Lily snapped. She grinned as she opened the door with flourish. Standing on the other side of the door, held in place by Itachi, were Hidan and Deidara. They both seemed ashamed to be dragged in by the Uchiha, who had them by the collar of their robes, and looked away with embarrassment as the girls met their demeaned gaze.

"Mom...what is this?" Jaye sighed.

"Your dates to prom."

"..._Why_?"

"You two were moaning and groaning about how you didn't have dates, and I got you two...somewhat...fantastic dates. I don't see why you're still complaining," Lily said.

" '_Somewhat _fantastic?' " Deidara repeated.

Lily ignored him. "Now, you girls go get ready; you only have an hour or two. I'll make sure these guys are presentable and then you can be on your merry way. How's that sound?"

"Vomit-inducing," Jaye remarked, shuffling up the stairs.

"I wonder if this has anything to do with that day she had a talk with Pein..." Clari pondered.

"That's probably what she meant when she said she 'made arrangements,' " Jaye concurred.

As they trudged upstairs to get ready, Itachi released the pre-meditated dates and plopped down on the couch, flicking on the television while Lily lectured Hidan and Deidara. His only involvement in this whole scheme was transportation, since Pein didn't trust the two Akatsuki members to come here in order to be dates or, if they did actually agree, to come back. Therefore, Itachi was liable to view this as a short hiatus from work.

"Now," Lily said. "When you go to prom, there will be no explosions, no sacrifices, not even a reference to _Naruto_. We're already taking a huge risk sending you to a school full of possible fangirls, but I thought that the girls might use not having dates as an excuse to skip out on prom. I'll do my best to make you unrecognizable, like I promised Pein.

"Secondly, you will ensure that Clari and Jaye have the best night of their lives tonight. You don't know how much pleading I had to do to get them to go in the first place, and I won't have my efforts wasted. I don't want them to regret going to prom. You will behave yourselves, and try to be as gentlemanly as possible."

Itachi snorted, causing Hidan and Deidara to glare at him.

"We are perfectly capable of being gentlemen, un," Deidara defended. He glanced at Hidan. "Or I am, at least."

"I can be a fucking gentleman!" Hidan growled. "I'm not the perverted one here!"

Lily plugged her ears. "Please, stop talking. I'd rather forget the fact that I'm sending my girls on a date with two maniacs, and that's easier to do when your mouths are closed."

The two of them shot each other one last scowl before returning their attention to Lily's lecture.

"I have to get you presentable, so put these on," she said, handing them two black and white bundles. "Come out here after you're done so I can make sure you look good."

Hidan was the first one to come out, and Lily almost had a stroke when he did. The suit he'd put on was acceptable enough, except it was missing one little detail...

"Hidan!" Lily cried. "Where is your shirt?"

"I didn't want to wear it," Hidan said.

"Where is it?"

"Here." Hidan lifted the shirt out of the tangle of cloth that was his Akatsuki robe. Lily told him to put it on. He blatantly refused. She flicked his ear. He screamed at her. It had become a full blown battle when Itachi finally intervened.

"Hidan, just put on the shirt," he commanded.

"Since when do you tell me what to do?" Hidan roared.

Itachi gave him a condescending stare, and Hidan wheeled around to finish dressing. When he came out, he was wearing a shirt and even the tie. Lily was relieved and began trying to make him less recognizable. His silver hair would be a problem, but she couldn't fix that. Colored contacts did the trick for his bright eyes, though. She took away his forehead protector and his ring, promising to keep them safe. He absolutely refused to give her his rosary, so she told him to stick it in his shirt. It wasn't much, but it was the best she could do. He might have been recognizable, but at least he looked good.

Deidara was another story entirely. It seemed that he had never worn a suit before in his lifetime, and was incapable of getting the buttons right on his jacket. Lily had to help him with that, and his tie. She knew that his unruly hair would be a problem too, as well as his hands. How would she cover them up in a way that didn't clash with the suit? She eventually gave up on that aspect, and handed him the fingerless gloves to put on. As for his hair, she couldn't leave it the way it was...but she couldn't just let it down either. In the end, she decided to rearrange it into a less exotic ponytail. Deidara lost his forehead protector and ring too.

"Better," Lily said approvingly as she inspected them. "Not good enough for my girls, of course, but close enough."

Hidan sighed. "Whatever."

"Clari! Jaye! Get your asses down here!" Lily called from the foot of the stairs. "Ryan and Seth'll be here any minute!"

"They're taking us, un?" Deidara questioned.

"Seth has a nicer van."

"Calm down, Mom," Jaye said, coming down the stairs. "Ryan said they'd be here at six, and it's only quarter past five."

"I know," Lily whined, holding up a camera. "But I want pictures!"

"No, no pictures," Clari said.

Hidan and Deidara said nothing, because they were staring at the girls. Clari and Jaye never ever _ever_ wore feminine things like dresses; it was a very rare occasion that one of them flounced even a skirt. However, in light of prom being a strictly formal event, they were forced to go dress shopping with Lily on the one condition that the dresses would be what they wanted.

Jaye was sporting an elegant black dress with a deep red sash around the waist. It was sleeveless, with a slight dip in the neckline and inch-long straps. She'd actually made an attempt to make her hair neat, and the result was a shiny cap of jet black locks that had more of a tendency to swing in her face than usual. Scarlet lipstick adorned her mouth, and (besides the usual eyeliner) that was about the only spot of make up on her.

Clari had also had a voice in her dress, and she'd chosen an indigo spaghetti-strap with black accents. Her dress wasn't floor length like Jaye's (mainly because they all trailed due to her petite height) and only came just above the knees. It had a tighter bodice before gradually flaring out at the bottom. Her hair was styled in a messy tangle of curls (the streaks, of course, matched the indigo shade of the dress) and she'd made no special attempt with make up.

"What are you staring at?" Jaye snapped, snatching Hidan's attention with her tone.

"Nothing!" he roared, his face growing crimson.

"Aw, Hidan's blushing!" Lily said, pulling the camera up to her eye and snapping a picture.

"Give me that fucking camera!"

Clari snapped her fingers in front of Deidara's face. "Hello? Anybody in there?"

"Wha - oh, yeah. Sorry, un," Deidara said, clearing his throat.

"Let me get one picture!" Lily begged. "Please please please!"

"No!" the girls said in unison.

"Fine, then at least let me get a mental picture," Lily said, handing Itachi the camera. The girls shook their heads sadly as she inspected them with an excited light in her eyes. They were two very odd couples; Hidan and Jaye looked too debonair to be going to prom, with his slick back hair and her elegant stature; on the other hand Deidara and Clari looked too rough with his long hair and fingerless gloves, and her short dress and multicolored locks. Lily smiled at their awkwardness affectionately. Prom was definitely not something either couple was suited to.

From behind her, Itachi snapped a photo.

"HEY!" the four of them said, preparing to lunge for the camera. Before they could, there was a honk outside.

"Oh, look! It's your ride!" Lily said cheerfully, shoving them towards the door. "Have a good time!"

"But - " Clari said, eying the camera in Itachi's hand.

"Bye-bye!" Lily said before slamming the door in their faces.

Itachi handed her the camera. "You're welcome."

"I have to upload these onto the computer...and fast..." Lily muttered, scuttling around for said computer.

"Why?"

Lily looked down at the camera in her hands, as if it might spontaneously combust at any moment. "Let's just say...I have problems with electronics. As you can see, there aren't many photos on the walls for this reason. Every time..."

"I'm not sure I want to know," Itachi said, holding up a hand.

"No, you probably don't."

oOoOoOoOo

Ryan went ecstatic when she saw Hidan and Deidara. "I thought you said you didn't have dates?"

"My dear mother surprised us," Jaye remarked.

"Remind me to thank her later."

Seth drove out of the neighborhood. Like Hidan and Deidara, he was also wearing a suit. Ryan wore a neon green dress with black stripes. It was a hideous dress, and it wouldn't have worked on anyone but Ryan.

Ryan scowled at Clari. "I thought Jaye would be the one with the problem attire-wise, but look at yourself. Your dress is too short for prom."

"Jaye is wearing her boots," Clari said, pointing an accusing finger at her cousin.

Ryan gasped in horror and reached back to lift the hem of Jaye's dress high enough to see the scuffed combat boots, almost killing them all in the process by bumping Seth away from the wheel. When Seth had urged Ryan to sit down and got the car back on the road, Jaye pointed an equally accusing finger at Clari. "Not only is her dress short, but she's wearing converse."

"No!" Ryan shrieked.

Clari stuck her foot out for Ryan's inspection. "If it makes you feel any better, they're my nice ones."

"In what universe are black high tops nice shoes?" Ryan cried. She grabbed Clari's ankle and forced Clari to extend her leg across Deidara's lap so she could get a better view of the shoes. Deidara slapped his forehead. "And your tights are ripped! There are holes in your tights!"

"They're supposed to be like that," Clari defended, obviously unaware of her suggestive position.

"Put your leg down, un," Deidara said, containing the urge to laugh as he dragged his hand across his face. Clari blushed and quickly reclaimed her appendage. Ryan shriveled into her seat with a disappointed noise and said nothing for the rest of the ride. In the back of her mind, Clari wondered if perhaps Ryan had done that on purpose. But in the end, she decided that the disgruntled pairing nut was only nettled over the shoe fiasco and sank back into the seat.

The parking lot was probably fuller that night than it was on a regular school day. The rebuilding of the school had gone well and it was now completely reconstructed. Jaye asked Deidara if he could possibly blow it up again, but he was strictly ordered no explosions. As a precaution, Pein had even taken his clay.

As they were getting out of the van, Hidan suddenly began removing his jacket. Jaye, who came out after him, did a double take and hit him on the back of the head with the small red bag she'd carried with her. "Don't just start stripping in the middle of the parking lot, idiot!"

"I'm not stripping!" Hidan roared back. "I just don't like this jacket or - this - fucking - tie!"

The five of them watched as he struggled with the tie, his face going red with effort, then purple with lack of oxygen. Instead of loosening the tie as he'd obviously thought to do, he'd constricted it around his neck. It was amusing until his face went blue and he collapsed on the ground. Jaye shrugged and started to walk off as he convulsed.

"JAYE!" the other four cried.

"What?" she asked, stopping.

"Hidan! Help him!" Clari said.

"Why don't you do it? You're closer."

"I don't know how to do a tie!"

"Neither do I," Ryan dismissed.

"Me neither," Seth, who was not wearing one, said.

"I'm not even going to answer, un."

"Fine," Jaye sighed. She marched over to the limp Hidan and in one swift movement, undid the tie around his neck. He gasped, coming to his senses and looking around frantically. Jaye threw the piece of cloth in his face and continued with her business. "Now can we go?"

The gym was as extravagantly decorated as a gym could be. The three couples snuck in the back way, in order to avoid the torture of getting their picture taken. Prom had no particular theme, other than outrageously cheesy. There were signs that read _Prom Nite_ and everything. Clari and Jaye gave each other a look, both obviously thinking: _This is exactly why I didn't want to come_.

"What the fuck is that smell?" Hidan implored, yelling over the music.

"That would be the fine aroma of school pride," Clari shouted back as he made the mistake of sniffing the protective mats on the walls.

"Your school pride reeks," Deidara said.

"We know," the girls said simultaneously.

"C'mon, stop being so pessimistic!" Ryan cheered. "While your here, you might as well have fun!"

"That's your motto in life, isn't it?" Jaye asked.

"Exactly, that's why I'm always in a good mood."

"Why don't you and your good mood go get me a drink?"

Ryan scowled, grabbing her date by the sleeve and tugging him away. "Forget you. Seth and I are going to have a good time."

"Not it!" Deidara called, tapping his nose and pulling Clari onto the dance floor.

Jaye looked at Hidan expectantly.

"Fuck no, bitch! Go get your own damn drink," he declared.

"That's what you're here for, isn't it?"

"No!"

Jaye flicked his ear.

"Ow!"

"Go get me a drink."

"Never!"

She flicked his ear again.

Hidan clapped a hand over his ear. "Ha! Whatcha gonna do now?"

"What's that?" Jaye asked, pointing in the opposite direction.

Hidan wheeled around. "What?"

Jaye flicked his newly exposed ear.

"Would you stop doing that?" Hidan shouted.

"Not until you get me a drink, slave."

"Slave! When the fuck did I become - "

"Just do it before I flick you again."

"Fine!"

Jaye watched him storm away, smiling after him. If there's one useful thing her mother ever taught her, it was this. Sighing contently, she leaned against the wall and watched the whir of bodies on the make-shift dance floor. It was a rare occasion when people actually danced at a social event, but this school was one of the few whose students did. Jaye spotted Ryan and Seth effortlessly glide through the dance floor; only, the song was a fast one. She chuckled when caught a glimpse of Clari and Deidara attempting to dance, but failing epically. As she watched, Clari gave up and flopped down in the center of the floor, earning several stares from the crowd.

Hidan came back with two cups of soda just as Clari snapped up, grabbed Deidara, and sprinted from the gym. Jaye raised an eyebrow. _Where are they going, hmm..._? Then she noticed the pink cotton ball that was Kat Mathews, and she understood Clari's retreat.

Kathrine was decked out in enough pink that she could've been mistaken for a flamingo. Bedazzled pink shoes, a fluffy, puffy pink dress, a pink tiara; from her head to her toes, she was pink. Jaye was afraid her eyes would burn out of their sockets if she stared too long, so she turned her attention to Kat's date. It was poor little Georgie Thumbman, a rather geeky but sweet freshman. He was red up to his ears, and his glasses were fogging up. Rumor had it that Kathrine's boyfriend, some basketball player by the name of Rick, had broken up with her two days before prom. This was probably the only date she could get, because it would, of course, be worse showing up with no date at all than with Georgie.

He'd attempted to ask Jaye out, because she was one of his few genuine acquaintances and he'd heard she didn't have a date. She recalled that he'd started the conversation with, "Did you know that some of the freckles on my face form the constellation Camelopardalis?"

Somewhere, deep down in her heart, Jaye felt a little bit bad for Kat Mathews.

She also felt bad for Georgie, but he looked like he was having a blast right now. After prom, Jaye was certain that Kathrine would ditch him in a red-hot second. But, the prom queen couldn't come without a date. It was common knowledge that, for some inexplicable reason, Kathrine was to be prom queen this year. Jaye couldn't fathom why, because she certainly wasn't the prettiest in the school (that was probably Ryan) or the most popular either (that was, also, probably Ryan). And, on top of that, Ryan was actually nice to people, and funny, and she had an IQ.

_Why _isn't_ Ryan prom queen..._? Jaye pondered.

"What are you staring at?" Hidan inquired, handing her a soda.

"Nothing. Just thinking."

There was a silence. Hidan glanced at her. "Do you wanna dance?"

Jaye stared at him. "Fuck. No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't dance."

"Me neither."

They lapsed back into silence.

oOoOoOoOo

"Seriously, un. Get off the floor."

"No," Clari said. "I'm tired, and I don't want to dance."

Deidara shook his head.

From her station on the ground, Clari noticed a ripple in the crowd and saw Kat Mathews prance in, none other than Georgie Thumbman on her arm. While Georgie did have some pretty awesome freckles on his face (they formed some constellation or another), Kathrine didn't seem too excited to have him as a date.

Kat and Clari locked eyes.

The pink powdery puff ball looked back and forth between her rival and Deidara, and her face turned beet red. Without thinking, Clari hopped off the ground, grabbed Deidara's hand, and sprinted out of the gym.

"Where are we going, un?" Deidara inquired after they'd burst outside.

"I dunno, I just wanted to get away from the scene that was about to happen," Clari huffed, stopping to catch her breath.

"I'm not sure if you remember, but you were laying in the middle of a dance floor. There was already sort of a scene," Deidara remarked.

"Not that kind of scene," Clari explained. "I mean the kind of scene that happens when a blonde egomaniac realizes that the person she hates most of all in the world has a better date to prom than she does."

Deidara grinned. "I'm the better date, right?"

"No, you could be the blonde egomaniac."

Deidara gave her a look that clearly said he preferred to be the better date.

Clari sighed with exhaustion. "I'm just gonna follow Ryan's advice and make the most of my prom night, and that doesn't include _her_."

"But it includes me, un?" Deidara smirked.

"Sure, I guess you can tag along," Clari permitted.

Deidara looked around suddenly. "Where are we again, un?"

Clari observed her surroundings. It was probably one of the many new courtyards that were dispersed throughout the complicated web of hallways that made up the school. It was a lovely little nook, a small square with brick walls on every side except for the breezeway that connected the gym to another building, only big enough to fit an ancient tree of unknown specimen and a bench or two. The tree was one of the few that survived the explosion, so most of the left side was scorched. But it still provided an adequate source of shade and it's branches made a the whooshing sound that Clari loved.

"I think we're in a courtyard," she said, turning her attention back to Deidara.

"Hm."

"What are you doing?" Clari asked, for Deidara seemed rather distracted and was devoting an enormous amount of concentration to listening to something in the distance.

"I hear...voices, un."

"Are they in your head?"

"No," Deidara snapped. "I think...I think it's...I don't know. It's high pitched, kinda bitchy sounding..."

Clari thought. "It's either my English teacher or Kathrine."

"It's Kathrine," Deidara realized.

"What? No, I was only joking," Clari said.

"It is though, un."

Clari looked around for an escape. There wasn't one. "Shit! What'd we do? I really don't want to deal with her right now."

"Instead of running," Deidara suggested, suddenly gaining an evil glint in his eye. "Do you wanna make her really pissed off?"

"Sure, but how would we - ?"

Before she could finish speaking, Deidara had grabbed her waist and pulled her close to him. As he stared down at her sadistically, Clari realized what he was going to do.

"Wait, I don't think - "

It was too late to protest. It was impossible for her to protest, actually, because Deidara had already pressed his mouth against hers. It wasn't like the quick peck under the mistletoe; it was a real, deep kiss. She could feel Deidara's radiating warmth on every part of her, from the slow movement of his lips to the hands that held her waist. If Clari wasn't so overwhelmed, she would have been embarrassed beyond comprehension and blushing like crazy. As it was, she was too preoccupied to be embarrassed or to blush.

Clari didn't hear anything, but, after a what seemed like forever, Deidara pulled away. Clari still didn't have any thoughts about embarrassment, because she was still in shock. Her expression was one of wide eyes and a nonplussed, _O-_shaped mouth. Deidara smirked once more and said, "I don't mind or anything, but you can let go of me, un."

Now the blood did rush up to her face as she retrieved her arms from around his neck and took a step back. Then her face became even brighter, because she realized that this was the exact opposite of what she wanted to do.

Deidara looked back at the breezeway. "She's gone. We can go inside to find the others if you want, un."

Clari certainly did not want to go find the others, much to her surprise. She wanted to stay right here, with Deidara. In a moment of extreme courage (for Clari, at least), she pushed back her usual winsome self, grabbed his tie, and pulled him to eye-level. "Who said anything about going back inside?"

"But she already left," Deidara repeated, being the puzzled one for once.

Clari considered this for a moment. "We have to make our act convincing."

Deidara's eyebrows shot up to his hairline before Clari pulled at the tie once more, completely bridging the gap between them.

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan huffed, crossing his arms. "This is fucking boring!"

"I agree," Jaye said. "And on top of that, the music is crappy."

"Do you wanna just go back to the car and listen to the radio?" Hidan implored hopefully, suddenly coming up with this brilliant idea.

"Sure, as soon as you get me another soda," Jaye said, grinning.

"What the fuck? That's the third one!"

"I'm thirsty, dammit!"

"Bitch," Hidan muttered under his breath, turning on his heel to go get her another soda.

As he was making a selection, he noticed that the pink fluffy bitch that Jaye and Clari hated was talking to a teacher with a know-it-all expression on her face. Curiously, Hidan tuned in.

"It's absolutely _disgusting_, Mr. Williams. Claribel Sazume and her date are _making out _in the courtyard outside. I was shocked myself, but it's true. Did I mention it was disgusting? They're _really_ getting into it, Mr. Williams. I wouldn't be surprised if they were violating over a _dozen _school rules right about now. Not to mention federal _laws_," she rambled, with emphasis on every other word.

"We'll just see about that," the teacher said, marching towards the door with the fluffy pink bitch at his heels. Hidan had to turn around in order to suppress his laughter. Clari and Deidara? Yeah, right. When Hell froze over, maybe.

"What are you laughing at?" Ryan asked, suddenly popping up beside him.

Hidan told her about the encounter, chortling as he did so.

Ryan's face became white as a sheet. "Was the teacher really tall?"

"Yeah, and bald. Why?"

"Because that's Mr. Williams!" Ryan gasped in horror.

"So?" Hidan said, shrugging.

"He just got divorced, and he gives students really harsh punishment for stuff like that! Clari could get suspended - or worse!" Ryan cried, looking around as if for an answer. "We have to distract Mr. Williams and warn Clari!"

Hidan nodded. "Let me just get Jaye - "

"No!" Ryan snapped, grabbing his arm. "Jaye can't know about any of this."

"What the fuck? Why not?"

Ryan shook her head. "She'd never let Clari live it down. Clari would face a lifetime of ridicule, and I don't know what that might do to her and Deidara's relationship!"

"You're honestly worried about their relationship?" Hidan said. "Sounds to me like it's going pretty fucking well."

"Enough of your chatter!" Ryan exclaimed dramatically, putting her hand over Hidan's mouth. Hidan glared at her, a tiny vein popping out on his forehead. "We have to go save Clari! I'll distract Mr. Williams while you go warn them." With that, Ryan elbowed her way through the crowd to Mr. Williams' bald head, shining like a beacon under the bright lights. Hidan sighed, and put down the soda he'd grabbed. _How the fuck did I get sucked into this_?

He made his way through the crowd, sneaking past Ryan and Mr. Williams and Kathrine. When he finally reached the courtyard with the scorched tree, he looked around. Deidara and Clari were nowhere to be found.

"Wait, sir!" he heard Ryan call. "It's really important!"

"You can tell him all about it later," Kathrine sneered, practically shoving the the teacher out the door. All three of them froze when there was no Clari or Deidara in sight. Mr. Williams looked at Kathrine accusingly.

"They were out here!" she cried, gesturing to the area where they supposedly were.

"Evidently not," Mr. Williams sighed, going back into the building. "Ryan, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, I forgot now."

Simmering, Kathrine stomped back into gym. Ryan sighed in relief. "Thanks, Hidan. How'd you get them out of here so fast?"

"I didn't," Hidan said, shrugging. "She must have been lying after all. Crazy bitch."

"I agree with you on that note," Ryan said as they entered the gym. On their way, they ran into Seth and Deidara. Clari poked her head out from behind them.

"Where were you?" Ryan exclaimed. "I was looking everywhere!"

The three of them glanced at each other. Hidan saw Clari's face go scarlet, and he caught Deidara quickly averting his eyes. Seth cleared his throat. _Oh, fuck_, he thought.

Seth did all the explaining. "...I heard what Mathews told Mr. Williams, and I warned them in time."

"You are amazing," Ryan applauded.

Hidan shook his head. "Deidara, you idiot. Pein's gonna be pissed."

"Why would Pein be mad?" Ryan inquired, cocking her head to the side in confusion. She, of course, didn't know that Pein was Clari's father and wouldn't ever comprehend it, since he was only a decade older than Clari herself.

"No reason."

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye was irked at everyone for suddenly disappearing and not telling her why. The excuse they made up was that Hidan had choked on his tie again, and that they were helping him with it. They all unanimously agreed not to tell Jaye, mainly because she would never let Clari live it down. Not even Hidan was evil enough to hand Clari that fate.

"I thought you left me!" Jaye whined for the thousandth time.

"We're sorry, Jaye," Ryan apologized.

Jaye scowled and opened her mouth to say something, but she was interrupted by the principle of the school talking into the microphone on stage. He was announcing the prom queen for this year. The six of them waited for him to call Kathrine Mathews' name, but they all got a huge surprise. The principle flipped open the envelope and Ryan's name boomed from the speakers.

They gave her frozen body a good-natured shove and watched as she stumbled on stage to get her crown. The prom king was some football player or another (they all looked the same to Clari and Jaye), but when it came time for the traditional prom king and queen dance, Ryan left the baffled football player and grabbed Seth's hand instead.

Kathrine Mathews stormed out of the gym, her pink tail of dress slithering after her. Some people said that she'd actually burst into tears, but no one was quite sure whether this was true or not. The next day she would dump poor little Georgie Thumbman via text message, but for now he was chatting with his science lab partner, Becky Jones. When he did eventually get that text message, he wouldn't dwell over it for too terribly long.

After a few more songs, it was evident that the prom was coming to a close. The six of them decided to leave immediately and avoid the traffic rush that was sure to happen after the students were informed it was time to go. As they walked across the parking lot, laughing at how inevitably cliché the whole ordeal had turned out, something caught Jaye's attention.

"Deidara?" she said questioningly.

"Yeah, un?"

Jaye grabbed the end of his tie, which was slung over his neck in uncaring haste, not even tied. It had been tied before he disappeared. The blood drained from everyone's face was they predicted the question she was about to ask next.

"Why exactly is your tie undone?"


	20. UltraSuper Bonus Chapter: The Mask

**Hi there! Well, I have some big news.**

**Although I said I wasn't going to write a third story, I've decided to change my mind (again) and go ahead and do it. Writing this chapter made me realize how much I love writing about the Akatsuki and the girls, so the third story in my "Ghosts of the Past" series, officially entitled "An Arbitrary Akatsuki Threequel," will be out and about soon enough. Make sure you keep an eye out for it. ;) **

* * *

**Ultra-Super Bonus Chapter (of Awesomeness): Behind the Mask**

* * *

As Tobi skipped merrily out of the kitchen with yet another meal in his gloved hand one day while the Akatsuki were visiting, Clari huffed and slammed her fist down on the table, much to the surprise of the others in the kitchen. "Why?" she said, directing her attention to Pein. "Why do you let him do that?"

"Do what?" Pein inquired, shocked by her outburst.

"Why do you let Tobi eat his meals in his room?" she cried. It had aggravated her for some time now that she hadn't seen his face, because she really wanted to. After many annoying tactics, she and Jaye had eventually convinced Kakuzu to show them his stitchy face, but no amount of pestering could get Tobi to remove his mask, nor his gloves.

Pein simply shrugged. "He does his job with little to no compliant, unlike the rest of them. I don't see any reason why his compliance shouldn't be rewarded."

"By 'them,' are you referring to us?" Kisame asked.

"Yes."

"But don't you ever get curious as to what he's hiding?" Clari interjected. Everyone was absorbed in the conversation now, because they, too, were undeniably intrigued by Tobi's modest nature.

Pein thought this through, and finally said, "I am curious sometimes. But I respect his privacy enough to not ask or insist that he remove his mask and gloves. I give the rest of you a choice of what you want to wear, with the exception of the cloak, and I don't see any reason why Tobi should not also be given that privilege."

Clari scrunched her nose and picked at her food, surrendering. What Pein was _really_ saying was that, even though they were all burning with curiosity, they shouldn't bug Tobi about it. Nonetheless, Clari's outburst had triggered unusual thoughts among the Akatsuki and Co., and when unusual thoughts are triggered, there is no stopping the chaos.

oOoOoOoOo

"I bet he's an ugly motherfucker."

Kakuzu sighed and stared at the ceiling. "I assume that you're talking about Tobi."

"Yeah. That's the only thing that makes sense, right? He's ugly. That's why you wear a mask too, isn't it? And even you take your mask off sometimes, so that must mean he's uglier than you," Hidan reasoned, nodding vigorously all the while.

Kakuzu chucked a pillow at him. Hard.

"Ow! What's your fucking problem?" Hidan roared, wrestling with the fluffy projectile until he could glare at Kakuzu with the desired amount of vehemence. Kakuzu continued to glower at the ceiling, his green eyes flashing in the dark room. "I could ask you the same thing," he said.

"I don't go around throwing pillows at people for no reason!"

"I'm not throwing pillows at people for no reason. I'm throwing pillows at you for a reason." This statement was followed by another pillow being launched, and knocking an unsuspecting Hidan onto the ground with the force of it's release. Hidan laid on the floor, to disgruntled too get up. Then something occurred to him.

"Ha," he said. "I have all your pillows." There was silence as Hidan shifted into a more comfortable position, arranging the pillows in a cocoon. He buried himself deep inside the abundant fluff, sighing as loudly and contently as possible.

Kakuzu threw his third and final pillow at him.

"Fuck you!" Hidan cried, grabbing a pillow in both hands and tossing it as hard as he could. Kakuzu dodged it with ease. Infuriated, Hidan picked up another pillow and ran over to his partner, prepared to swing it and knock him to the ground. Kakuzu was expecting this, and snatched the pillow from Hidan's hands. He rammed Hidan to the ground and held him down as he squished the pillow onto his face. He didn't let go until Hidan stopped twitching, and was completely still on the ground. Kakuzu sighed and got up, dragging the pillow with him into bed and laying his head on it.

One nice thing about having an immortal partner; you could vent your frustrations and never get in trouble with Leader.

oOoOoOoOo

"Konan," Pein said as they laid down in bed that night. "Have you ever seen Tobi's face?"

"No. Have you?"

"No."

"...Do you ever wonder what he's hiding?"

"Sometimes." Pein paused. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing by letting him keep his mask on all the time?"

Konan glanced at him. "You're the leader of an organization who's killed hundreds of people for profit and who's ultimate goal is to show people the true meaning of pain. I really don't think you should worry about doing the right thing anymore."

"Are you saying I'm going to hell?"

"Probably. Don't worry, I'll keep your spot warm."

"But if it's hell, then it will already be hot. I'd rather you keep my spot cold."

"How exactly would I do that?"

"With the ice inside your heart."

"Pein?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you have a death wish?"

"If I say yes, are you still going to kill me?"

"Most likely."

"Then I guess there's no point in answering, is there?"

It was at that point that Pein was shoved off the bed. He tumbled onto the cold hard floor, a cascade of blankets and a single pillow creating a pile atop his back. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out," Konan said.

oOoOoOoOo

"Zetsu?"

"Yes, Leader?"

"Does this chair recline?"

"Indeed, it does."

"Good. Thank you." There was a clatter as Pein struggled to recline the decrepit chair, finally succeeding after many failed attempts and wiggling around with his pillow until he found a bearable position. He made a mental note not to insult Konan again for a while. It was obviously that time of the month.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye huffed and scrunched the pillow over her ears, glaring at the ceiling. She didn't know _what_ Hidan and Kakuzu were doing up there, but they were certainly making a lot of noise. She glanced at Bear, who she saw was laying at her feet with his eyes open. "You can't sleep either?" she asked.

"No. It's impossible with those disturbing sounds," Bear replied, covering his eyes with his paws in a gesture of extreme irritation. "I would go up there, my Queen, but I'm terrified of what I might see."

"Same here." Jaye sighed, and blinked up at the ceiling. "Hey, Bear...you have a really good sense of smell, right? Is Tobi's smell...different from the rest of ours? You know, is it off or something?"

"Not that I can tell. He is definitely strange in his behavior though."

Jaye snorted. "Tell me about it."

"Is this about the mask thing that Clari brought up?" Bear inquired with a yawn, flashing his sharp white teeth.

"Yeah. She's got me thinking about it now. I really wanna know what's behind his mask. Even his gloves. I guess if he's super ugly I'd get the whole mask thing, but what about his gloves? Are his hands hideously disfigured or something? It's perplexing."

"No offense, but I don't think Tobi would smell any different if he was ugly or had disfigured hands."

"True. I was just wondering." Jaye sighed with relief when the noises from the attic finally stopped. "Thank you!" she cried. "Now maybe I can finally get some rest." She closed her eyes and yawned.

The thumping started again.

Her eyes snapped open. "Are you kidding me?" she hissed. "They're going at it _again_? How much freaking stamina do they have?" The words Hidan and stamina didn't coincide within her mind without a blush, which she was sure that Bear was able to sense. He growled and launched himself towards the ceiling, knocking on it as hard as he could with his paw. "KEEP IT DOWN!" he yelled, hovering in midair until they were quiet. A minute or two later, the thumping stopped and didn't start up again.

"Hey, Bear? What does Tobi smell like anyway?"

"He has a distinct cotton candy aroma."

"...Yummy."

"I think so."

oOoOoOoOo

"I bet he's controlled by a leprechaun."

Itachi sat up on his elbows and shot Kisame a weak _WTF?_ look. Kisame sighed and decided he should elaborate, considering Itachi had actually bothered to make a facial expression. "I mean Tobi. I bet that the reason he won't take off his mask is because his body is actually a robot, and a leprechaun sits in a room where his head should be and controls him. It explains why he won't take off his mask, and why he won't take off his gloves. He has robot hands. Also, it explains how he's so damn peppy all the time, and why he talks in that high-pitched voice."

"That's preposterous," Itachi said, shaking his head and laying back down. "Everyone knows that leprechauns are irritable and cranky all the time, not peppy. Besides, Tobi's chakra is normal. He's not a robot."

"Oh. Well, then what do you think he's hiding?"

"It's probably just a fashion statement. It's no different than a tattoo or skinny jeans. His modesty is a projection of the childish innocence he's trying so hard to convey. I wouldn't be surprised if he was molested as a small child."

"Huh. I guess that makes sense."

Itachi didn't answer.

"...Do you think Orochimaru had anything to do with it?" Kisame asked.

"No, everyone Orochimaru molests turns out emo and angst-ridden, with a twisted sense of logic and an abundance of self-hatred."

"Oh, like Sasuke!"

"Exactly."

oOoOoOoOo

Deidara couldn't sleep. That annoying brat, Tobi, was talking in his sleep again and rolling around. Basically, unconsciously making a bunch of noise so Deidara wouldn't be able to rest. The blonde artist believed that, even when in slumber, Tobi strived to irk the hell out of him. He thought about going up to Clari's room but...well, she was probably already asleep. If not, she wouldn't answer the door anyway. He pursed his lips and wiggled his toes, debating on what to do.

Suddenly, there was a protest from the bunk above and Tobi's body flashed through Deidara's peripheral vision before crashing to the floor. Smacking his lips, he rolled over and sat up on his elbow. Damn. That kid was still sleeping. Tobi slept like a rock, which struck Deidara as odd because he was a ninja. Ninjas were supposed to be really light sleepers. Like him, for instance. It was amazing that Tobi had managed to survive this long.

Deidara squinted, trying to detect if Tobi still had his mask on. Some part of him knew that this was the case, but he was still disappointed to make out the swirly design in the dark. Ever since Clari had brought it up at the table, it had been tugging at his mind all evening.

But...if Tobi was such a heavy sleeper...

Deidara swiftly crawled out of bed and kneeled beside the masked man, reaching under his bed to grab his scope so he could see better. He exhaled, swallowing a lump in his throat. He didn't know what Tobi would do if he caught him...then again, he could totally take Tobi. And if it was truly a desperate situation, Deidara could lie and say that he was trying to carry Tobi back to his bunk. Tobi was gullible, he would believe it.

He wiggled his fingers experimentally and gently brought them to the clasp of the mask, located at the back of Tobi's head. He silently undid the clasp, and paused. Tobi did not stir. He gripped the edge of the orange mask in one hand, and prepared to carefully pull it away from Tobi's face.

Suddenly, Deidara found himself flying through the air. He crashed into the wall, ignoring the dull pain at his back and elbows where they hit the wall. He blinked, expecting to see a seething Tobi standing before him.

Tobi was still asleep on the ground.

Deidara groaned and knocked his head on the floor. Stupid Tobi. Of course, _of course _he had some freaky fighting ability while sleeping. Of course. Tobi really was like a cockroach; hard as hell to see his face, much less kill. Plus, Deidara was convinced that Tobi could survive two whole weeks without a head. He wouldn't be surprised if it happened.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari started awake when something from Deidara and Tobi's room next door made a loud noise. _What was that?_ she thought, blinking. She heard a continuous thump from upstairs too. _Hidan and Kakuzu? What are they doing?_

There was a knock on her door, which also made her jump. She padded over to the door, opening it to find Deidara standing there with a blanket and a pillow. She rolled her eyes. "No."

"Please?" he pleaded. "I already checked downstairs, but Leader took the recliner."

"Why is Pein sleeping on the recliner?" Clari asked.

"I don't know. But Tobi's freaking driving me insane, un. He sleep talks, and he rolls around. He rolled off the bed. And I tried waking him up, but he refused to and _attacked_ me in his sleep," Deidara explained.

"I thought I heard a thump from you guys too," Clari said thoughtfully.

"Please, un?"

Clari sighed. "Fine, come in."

Deidara grinned and brushed passed her, flopping on the bed as she closed the door. "Thanks, I owe you one," he said, making himself comfortable. Clari raised her eyebrows and grabbed the covers, snatching them from under Deidara and effectively knocking him on the floor. He blinked at her from the jumble, gaping. "What the hell, un?"

"I never said you could sleep on the bed," Clari explained, taking another blanket from the closet and tossing it in Deidara's face. "Here. You have three blankets. That should be enough to make a bed on the floor."

"You've gotta be kidding me."

"Nope."

"Why are you doing this to me, un? I helped you out, why can't you help me?"

Clari smiled before laying back down on her bed. "Because I'm cruel and unusual like that. Also, you've developed a slight snore. It's rather irritating. I'd get it looked at."

"C'mon, please? I'm tired!"

"Good, then you shouldn't have any trouble sleeping on the floor."

Deidara glared, and stood up. "Move over, un."

"No."

"I'll make you move over."

"Try it. I dare you."

Deidara rolled his eyes and grabbed Clari, restraining her with one arm and putting a hand over her mouth when she inhaled in preparation for a scream. He laid down on his side of the bed and threw Clari on her side, rolling over so he could look at her. "Scream. I dare you."

Clari pressed her lips into a tight line and glared. She hated having her words thrown back at her. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and walked around, grabbing a pillow out from under Deidara's head and spreading the blankets on the floor. Deidara scowled. "What are you doing, un?"

"You win."

"Get back up here."

"No." She set the pillow down and flopped down on the blankets, laying on her back so she could stare Deidara down with merciless venom. "If I give you an inch, you take a mile. It happens every time."

Deidara scoffed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I let you in here, but you refuse to sleep on the floor like I asked. I know that if I allow you to manhandle me into laying beside you, then you won't let me go to sleep. It happens every single time," Clari said, narrowing her eyes for emphasis.

"You're making it sound worse than it is. You haven't seen a full mile yet, un," Deidara remarked with a wink. When Clari was not amused, he continued. "Besides, I said I was tired. I won't even touch you, I promise."

"Bullshit."

"Do you really want me to sleep on the floor, un?" Deidara asked with a sigh.

"Yes, I do."

Deidara held out a hand. "Get up here, then."

Clari blinked, and allowed herself to be pulled up onto the bed. Usually arguments weren't this easily won. But when she laid down, Deidara made no indication of moving. He simply rolled over so he was facing away from her, not touching her at all. Clari poked his back with her finger. "Hey, aren't you forgetting something?"

"A goodnight kiss?" Deidara implored rolling over to flash her a grin.

Clari rolled her eyes. "No. Shouldn't you be relocating to the floor?"

"I asked you if you wanted me to sleep on the floor, un," Deidara laughed, rolling back over so she couldn't see his face. "I never said I would. Just go to sleep, you'll hardly know I'm here. I'm too tired to mess with you tonight anyway."

Clari gave up with an exasperated sigh and closed her eyes, sailing towards dreams of Tobi's swirling mask and measuring tape.

oOoOoOoOo

"What were you doing last night?" Jaye growled early the next morning, as everyone gathered around the table for breakfast. She was addressing Hidan, who looked at her like she was crazy. "I couldn't sleep because you and Kakuzu made so much fucking noise."

"Jealous, Jaye?" Kakuzu said, wiggling his eyebrows and causing Jaye to shoot him a dirty look.

Hidan pointed an accusatory finger at his partner. "He threw a pillow at me! And then he smothered me with it! I died last night, dammit! I was murdered, and nobody came to see if I was okay!"

"We were all afraid of being scarred for life," Bear remarked.

"And if I recall correctly, you called me ugly," Kakuzu interjected.

"No, I said Tobi was ugly," Hidan defended.

"I believe your exact words were, 'He's ugly. That's why you wear your mask all the time, right?' It was implied," Kakuzu said, spreading jam on his toast with a strangely sophisticated air. "I was deeply wounded."

"Aw, you hurt his feelings, Hidan!" Jaye said sarcastically.

"You should apologize," Clari chuckled. "To Kakuzu and Jaye."

"And me," Bear piped up.

"Fuck no! If anybody should apologize, it's you! You're the one who got me thinking about what's behind Tobi's fucking mask! Seriously, I wanna know really bad now!" Hidan exclaimed.

Clari sighed. "Yeah, me too."

"I don't see why you guys don't just ask him to take off his mask," Lily said, popping in to grab a piece of toast before work. "If he says yes, you get to see his face. If not, then nothing changes."

"That's a good idea," Deidara said, nodding.

So when Tobi skipped in the kitchen as Lily was leaving, everyone stared. He didn't seem to notice. "Good morning!" he said cheerfully. "What did you make for breakfast, Clari-chan?"

"Just toast," Clari said, stepping aside so he could get a plate. As he loaded it, Clari squirmed and cleared her throat after many looks she received from the others. "Um, Tobi? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course! Clari-chan can ask Tobi anything!"

"Would you...take off your mask for us?"

The room was utterly silent as Tobi stopped getting food and turned to stare at Clari through his peephole. He cocked his head to the side. "Clari-chan," he said. "Tobi doesn't mean to be rude, but he doesn't ask you to take your shirt off simply because he wants to see what's underneath. Tobi doesn't think that Clari-chan should ask him to take off his mask, either."

Clari turned seven shades of red as the room erupted into guffaws, with the exception of Deidara, who looked rather peeved. The laughter was hushed as Pein wandered in, looking around to find the source of their amusement. "What's so funny?" he inquired, eying Clari's scarlet blush and Deidara's irritated scowl.

Tobi wheeled around to beam at Pein. "Oh nothing, Leader-sama," he quipped. He skipped from the kitchen with his plate in hand, presumably to eat in the solitary confines of his room.


End file.
